What to do...

[JaneDoe]

I feel like I might be slipping out of love with my husband. Since he's a porn addict and makes mistakes on a weekly basis. He still attends his PA meetings twice a week and goes to church on Sunday. The day he gives into temptation, he tells me. I appreciate him telling me. At the same time though, I'm getting fed up with the same reasons of why he gave in. It's frustrating. He's wearing me down and it's depressing. I hate that he brings that crap into our home. He knows my frustration yet still does this. I want to be married to a WORTHY priesthood holder. Someone that I can go to the temple with.

I don't know if I should just hang in there and continue to pray that he will overcome this even though he hasn't made much progress so far.

Or find someone else that is worthy to go to the temple with me.

I'm lost and don't know what to do.

[RMGuy]

Jane,

Do you know what his triggers are? Does he?

How did you find out about him viewing porn?

I think that those are important questions. If he doesn't yet know what causes him to look or want to look it will be very difficult for him to curb the behavior. If you know what triggers his behavior, AND you want to help him, then you can also be on alert for those triggers and help to redirect him.

I think it is a good sign that he is willing to be open and honest with you. That is a positive. If he came and told you originally, then that should also be seen as a positive. The fact that he attends his meetings can be seen in one of two ways, either he wants to overcome this, OR he loves you enough to put in the effort to try to overcome it, or both.

Let me ask another question, a bit outside of the church context for a moment. What do YOU think about his viewing of pornography. Forget for a moment what the church teaches about it, or what you thnk you are supposed to say. How does it make YOU feel. What bothers you about it? Have you shared that with your husband as well, not in anger, or in pain, but just open conversation? It sounds like he is open to talking to you.

-RM

[JudoMinja]

Is he really striving to overcome the addiction? Is he giving himself limitations? Is he tightening those limitations when he identifies what caused him to give in?

I understand how frustrating it can be to be patient with someone not living up to your expectations. Especially when that someone is so close to you and holds such a strong influence over your family/children. What you need to look for is whether or not he is really trying, or if he is just letting things slide and making excuses because he doesn't really want to work on it. Look for signs of this in his behavior and attitude. Does he seem to be frustrated with himself? Or does he balk at restrictions? Does he seem to be just doing what he needs to do to get by, what he thinks will make you happy enough to leave him alone? Or does he seem to be giving it real effort? Your answers to these questions will tell you whether you just need to exercise patience or take other measures.

[JaneDoe]

Rm,

Yes, he knows what the triggers are and so do I. Latest mistake. He rented the new Xmen movie. We watched it together. He turned his head during the inappropriate parts. I forgot to take it back to redbox, and was out running errands. He watched the inappropriate parts then messed up. Told me about it.

He told me when we were dating that he was an addict. I've known the whole time. If I could go back in time, I would definitely change it. I had a choice then, but now it's not so easy.

I hate the fact that he's looking at women like they are a piece of meat. He's fantasizing about their body parts. His brain is warped and needs a lot of healing. I've talked to him about it multiple times. In anger and calmly. I've written him letters also explaining my feelings. Sometimes I just don't want to be around him.

[JaneDoe]

JudoMinja, I don't think he's really, truly striving right now. It seems like a lot of going through the motions. I've seen him strive in the past, but I think he may be giving up on himself. He doesn't see much hope in himself since he hasn't gone long without giving into temptation.

[Bini]

I'm not so tolerant with this stuff.

My exhusband viewed porn and had a long line of infidelities (mental and physical) that I forgave/ignored for almost six years. There came a point when I knew in my heart that I had to free myself from a down spiraling marriage. We had already seen our bishop, did the couple counseling, and he kept "slipping up". I also really wanted to have children but knew that bringing a child into this kind of environment was harmful. So I insisted we use contraceptives to avoid pregnancy, despite my ex wanting kids. It was just an unhealthy and untrusting relationship. I remarried and I couldn't be happier. I'm so glad I made the decision that I did so I could start anew and get my life on track. I also just had a baby and that just tops everything off!

[Guest]

Does he still have unlimited access to porn in your home, i.e. computers/smartphones with internet and/or cable TV with plenty of inappropriate material? Like I mentioned in your last thread, I think taking any opportunity for him to view porn out of your home may help, if he's really willing to try. Then he has to make more effort to get to it.

[slamjet]

Working on a porn addiction is a multi-year effort. You knew he had this issue when you married him. Unfortunately, you may not have known just how difficult it is to deal with and how bad an addiction it is to get over. You're up against decades of mental programming.

BTW, there is no turning away at inappropriate parts of the movies. I know I had to decide to no longer watch them. I would leave my then-wife alone in the living room watching her movies while I was watching TV in some other room. With this addiction, as with all others, it's all or nothing. The gray area between is rationalization. If you don't want his junk in the home, then you need to be strict about it also. That includes movies you may want to watch. If you want to see them, go with your girlfriends and have a girls-only movie/video night. You have a say as to what comes into the home. Don't leave any wiggle-room fore something else to sneak in.

But before you decide to leave him, please read these few books:

- He Restoreth My Soul: Understanding and Breaking the Chemical and Spiritual Chains of Pornography through the Atonement of Jesus Christ

- Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged By Virtual Infidelity

- The Worth of Every Soul

I've read the first one and it is excellent at explaining in a clinical and spiritual way the addiction of pornography. The second one is new and I have not read it yet, but I know folks who have and it has been a huge help to them in their relationship in dealing with this addiction. The third one is a bit aged but it's the journey of one family through sexual transgressions. Their experience is almost textbook and has given me many insights.

One other book, which has helped my ex-wife understand, and got me started on the road to recovery is a book called the The White Book from Sexaholics Anonymous (SA).

To leave him for good is a huge decisions. But to stay with him means you need to be willing to stand beside him in his fight. But if he's not really fighting, then I'm not sure what to tell you other than his addiction is not your addiction. Make sure you take care of you and your family first. Then see if he'll come down the trail with you.

[BenRaines]

Porn in the latest X-Men movie?

Ben Raines

[JaneDoe]

Eowoyn, no he doesn't have a smartphone. We have pretty good filters on the computers.

Thank you, Slamjet. Your comments are always very helpful.

[JudoMinja]

JudoMinja, I don't think he's really, truly striving right now. It seems like a lot of going through the motions. I've seen him strive in the past, but I think he may be giving up on himself. He doesn't see much hope in himself since he hasn't gone long without giving into temptation.

Sounds like he needs to get back into the positive mindset so that he doesn't give up on himself. One thing that helped me a lot when I was working on this myself was creating a "win/lose" checklist. Every time I would feel a temptation or have a desire to masturbate or view porn and I would resist and overcome, that would be a check in the "win" column. Every time I gave in, that would be a check in the "lose" column. It also helps if you date your checks, so you can see how long you go on a "winning" streak before you "lose" again.

The reason this helps is because we tend to look at every "loss" as an absolute failure. We think less and less of our personal self-worth and think we can never win, that we are too weak and incapable to resist the addiction. However, keeping this checklist revealed all the "wins" I was pulling off and forgetting about when I experienced a "loss". It also revealed when the temptations started weakening and becoming more spaced out- another sign of success.

If he masturbates or views porn daily, that doesn't necessarily mean he's "lost" every day. If the thoughts and temptations are creeping into his mind frequently, every few hours, or even every few minutes, giving in once a day is still less than all the times he "won" that day. And as he charts his progression, he will see longer and longer streaks of "win" between his losses, and the urges and temptations will slowly be spaced farther and farther apart.

[zuko725]

First of all, I don't believe for a second that leaving him would be the "right thing to do". Every marriage will have it's struggles..

I know this is hard, painful and frustrating.. however being angry and resentful towards your husband wont help anything. He needs you to be supportive and to love him unconditionally.

Remember, he's struggling too and if he feels like you want to give up on him then he will want to give up on himself. Be his rock.

Stay strong and keep praying. Good luck.

[sister_in_faith]

Find a good counselor and go do some couples therapy. Sounds like whatever he is doing isn't working. A good therapist can help both you and him, and help you work out marrital issues.