seeking_peace Posted November 2, 2011 Report Share Posted November 2, 2011 (edited) Although "celibacy" is the wrong word, the question still remains: I've recently started to wade in to the dating pool (since my divorce two years ago) and I'm wondering, when is the right time to bring up the fact that I am practicing abstinence? Obviously, "Hi. I'm Sue and I don't have sex outside of marriage." is a little premature, but since I've had an "I wanted to kiss you last night" conversation, I should probably prepare myself for that issue to come up. Or maybe I should have already explained it? Twenty five years ago--when I last dated-- I lived in Utah among a large LDS population, my virginity was rarely questioned in dating. Now, I'm living in an area that does not have a large LDS singles population and I'm a parent. I think that intimacy will be expected. Edited November 2, 2011 by seeking_peace Changed the word "celibate" to "practicing abstinence" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMinja Posted November 2, 2011 Report Share Posted November 2, 2011 By celibate do you just mean that youare abstaining from sex until after marriage, or that you don't plan on having sex again at all? If it's the first, why not just explain that you live the law of chastity? Since it's such a large LDS population and most of your dates are probably LDS, I don't think the fact that you are a parent means people are going to be expecting you to break the law of chastity... I'm having trouble making that stretch, and if keeping the law of chastity is what you mean by celibate, I'm failing to see what the problem is... If by celibate you're talking about not ever having sex again... Are you sure you want to be dating? Dating leads to marriage, and marriage includes well.. sex. You're going to be hard-pressed to find a spouse who doesn't expect sex to be part of the package. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
seeking_peace Posted November 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 2, 2011 (edited) Currently celibate. Practicing abstinence. Living the law of chastity. No sex until marriage. Sex is one of the things that I miss most about being married, so the fact that dating leads to marriage and marriage leads to sex, is not a problem here. And I don't live where there is a large LDS population, I did when I was in my 20's. Edited November 2, 2011 by seeking_peace Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMinja Posted November 2, 2011 Report Share Posted November 2, 2011 Ah, okay. Gotcha. Sorry about that. It's late here, and I realize I overlooked the "does not" in your previous post.Now, I'm living in an area that does not have a large LDS singles population and I'm a parent. I think that intimacy will be expected.It's late here . That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.Anyway....My policy, whenever I go on a date with a non-member, is to very clearly stipulate what dating means to me and my standards on the very first date. I don't want there to be confusion, issues, or disappointment. And I've found that this is even a good idea when dating members, because even all members don't necessarily agree with my view of dating. My own brother and a single guy in my ward (who I don't want to date) for example, both have a very different view of dating from mine.It's good to cover this particular topic on the first date, especially with non-members, because the standard of the world is so very different from the standard of the church. I'd make it either a pre-requisite to the date (discussing your standards) or something to bring up and explain toward the end of the date. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMinja Posted November 2, 2011 Report Share Posted November 2, 2011 Share this song with your dates. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dravin Posted November 2, 2011 Report Share Posted November 2, 2011 Edited the title for you to help avoid further confusion. My advice, and you may not like it, is to date those who you know have, or you can at least expect to have the same standards on the issue as yourself. So I'd say date LDS even though the population isn't particularly large, or at the very least date those, such as other Christians, who you can expect to hold the same stance. I realize the latter may be a bit trickier because you don't necessarily have the 411 on the adherance or teaching of any Christian you may date but it makes it a smoother conversation because at the very least they should understand a religious argument for chastity. If you do go the second route I recommend telling them you are LDS (particularly since for some Christians that'll be a red flag for them), and some of the things that entails such as being chaste and abstaining from coffee, tea, and alcohol (these days people don't seem to expect one to use tobacco) on the first date. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sister_in_faith Posted November 2, 2011 Report Share Posted November 2, 2011 I think saying, "I'm very traditional when it comes to dating, and I wait until marriage." works... If they don't catch the hint there, then maybe you should move on.... :) Good luck! I hope you find THE ONE! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drr456 Posted November 5, 2011 Report Share Posted November 5, 2011 I think if you behave like a "lady" and stay away from "swapping spit" (lol) they'll catch on pretty fast what kind of gal you are. By swapping spit I mean heavy kissing! The kind that floats your boat! After going out a few times and the conversation turns to doing the hokey pokey, that's when you can tell him that you're waiting until marriage. Getting the guy all hot and bothered and then trying to tell him doesn't work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HEthePrimate Posted November 8, 2011 Report Share Posted November 8, 2011 If you do go the second route I recommend telling them you are LDS (particularly since for some Christians that'll be a red flag for them), and some of the things that entails such as being chaste and abstaining from coffee, tea, and alcohol (these days people don't seem to expect one to use tobacco) on the first date.+1Yeah, it seems to me that if he knows you well enough to (try to) have sex, he should know you well enough to know you're Mormon. Even if they don't always practice chastity themselves, people understand that some people remain chaste for religious reasons. And if they're not willing to respect that, then you may want to consider dating somebody else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest mormonmusic Posted November 8, 2011 Report Share Posted November 8, 2011 I would bring it up when it becomes an issue. It's like bringing up salary in a job interview. You only talk about it after the second or third interview -- when it gets serious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sister_in_faith Posted November 8, 2011 Report Share Posted November 8, 2011 I know I already commented, but while I was listening to Judo's song (which was awesome by the way!) I started to think about how I felt growing up... I was determined (and this was before I was a member of any church) that I wanted to have ONE husband. One of love my life, and everything I did was to honor this man that I would some day be with. I wanted to be able to stand next to him at the alter and him know that I had been with no one else and been virtuous all my life, FOR HIM. I explained this when I started dating to the guy I was seeing. I told him how I have prayed for my husband since I was little. I would stop what I was doing and pray for him, where ever he was in life, that he was having a good day. It was very important to me. I think that by telling these things to the one you are seeing, they will realize what a good catch you are. If you are doing this to honor your future husband, yourself, and your God, they can't help but want to help you achieve these things. And they will value you more for it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dravin Posted November 8, 2011 Report Share Posted November 8, 2011 I think that by telling these things to the one you are seeing, they will realize what a good catch you are. If you are doing this to honor your future husband, yourself, and your God, they can't help but want to help you achieve these things. And they will value you more for it!Yes they can. There are guys who are going to listen to such a spiel conclude, "I won't be getting any" and terminate the relationship. I agree they should value such virtues but that doesn't mean they can't help but value them, they have agency and there are a fair number of people on this planet that don't hold chastity up to be the virtue it is (some indeed consider abstinence outside of marriage to be a bad thing). Of course if a guy upon learning she values chastity splits, well... good riddance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MorningStar Posted November 8, 2011 Report Share Posted November 8, 2011 You could be like my friend who introduces herself to people by saying, "Hi, my name is ______ and I don't babysit." Instead, you could say, "Hi, my name is _______ and I won't be having sex with you." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ReynaRosa Posted November 9, 2011 Report Share Posted November 9, 2011 Be temple worthy in spirit and flesh, don't date anyone outside the faith. Remain, a man will go as far as you allow him. If he doesn't respect your values, morals, character and faith than he isn't of this fold. Remember that you have the Spirit of God in you to prevent fornication, greater the spirit in you than that which is in the world. Also, don't give pearls to swines, you don't have to preach to them your reasons why you chose to be abstain from sex, if they don't know then the date is over... don't lead them on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dravin Posted November 9, 2011 Report Share Posted November 9, 2011 (edited) Remain, a man will go as far as you allow him.Did you mean to disparage half the population (give or take a little) as having no self control and/or values? Or am I reading too much into your lack of qualifiers? Edited November 9, 2011 by Dravin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annewandering Posted November 9, 2011 Report Share Posted November 9, 2011 Did you mean to disparage half the population (give or take a little) as having no self control and/or values? Or am I reading too much into your lack of qualifiers?Well add the other 50% because it means we women are responsible if guys go to far. There is some truth on both sides but in the end both are responsible unless its rape. It really is up to both sides to put a stop to doing things that are wrong not just women. We can have our weak moments too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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