Getting married, is this appropriate??

[matai]

I'm getting married in a few weeks, we're both active members. My fiance is a recovering alcoholic and still goes to AA and ARP.

She has a close friend who contacts her when he's having a hard time with drinking and confides in her. She has also confided in him in the past as well. I feel like a single guy confiding to a married woman may be inappropriate. She says that since I was never an alcoholic I'll never understand those feelings.

Does anybody have any advice or references on how to address this concern?

Thanks!

[Guest]

I agree with you that it is inappropriate. When I was dating my husband, one of his newly married girl-friends (not girlfriends) often called him to complain about her marriage problems. Both her husband and I had to put up a bit of a stink about it to make them see that once you're married, such sharing isn't appropriate with someone of the opposite sex. Not the same thing, I know, but I think it still applies to you. I suggest that she start looking for a female sponsor and tell her friend to find a sponsor that will be able to help him more actively as she needs to put her energies into her new life.

[JudoMinja]

Thats a tough one. An addict needs someone they can trust who understands what they are going through to help keep them "straight". It's a kind of buddy system that many recovery programs suggest and that works really well for many people. You keep tabs on each other, let each other know when you mess up, and give each other encouragement to keep pushing on. I can certainly understand why your wife would want to maintain that "relationship" even after she is married...

Whether or not that becomes a concern though is questionable. You will find a variety of opinions covering a great range of views concerning opposite gender friendships with married couples. Some say you shouldn't have them at all. Some will say such friendships are perfectly okay. Some will say interactions/friendships with the opposite gender are allowable as long as they are carefully regulated. Etc, etc. I still don't know exactly where I stand on this particular topic, but I do feel that if there ever has been even a hint of "attraction" toward any individual, that relationship needs to be cut off completely. It is better to lose a friendship than it is to lose your marriage, I think...

I would suggest discussing your concern with your wife in a way that lets her know you are considerate of her feelings and opinion on the matter. Express how it makes you feel and invite her to express her feelings. Then, take it up in prayer and decide together what you should do.

[Jennarator]

I would have her find a female sponser.

[slamjet]

Eowyn is 100% correct. Besides, sponsors should ALWAYS be same gender. Anything else breeds dysfunctional emotional attachments.

In addition, as an addict she may feel desperate to try to keep his attention (yes, I've seen this and also have fallen into it). Addicts are learning to establish boundaries. He needs to set them with her and adjust them for himself as well as understand that throwing the "you don't understand addicts" is no longer a viable excuse when it comes to his relationship with other addicts. It is now a cop-out. He is going to be a husband, 100% of his attention must be on you and your relationship. Time for him to temper his support for others until he's at least a year married to you and has established a solid marriage relationship. That way he can have time to adjust his need to do Step 12 and still have a strong relationship with you. Otherwise, his addiction will get in the way.

Edited November 3, 2011 by slamjet

[matai]

I'm sorry I should have said that she does have a female sponsor.

Her sponsor is pushing that she maintain this relationship with him.

[Dravin]

I'm with Eowyn as well, and I know that my wife would be too.

She says that since I was never an alcoholic I'll never understand those feelings.

That fact that she has such a special connection doesn't make it less of a concern it makes it more of one because they already share an intimate bond, most people don't just end up committing adultery (in all it's various shades) with those they don't have a bond with. The idea of setting boundaries on relationships is to prevent the bonding that can lead to problems before it starts.

Does anybody have any advice or references on how to address this concern?

I would suggest putting this particular situation aside for a moment and just discuss relationship boundaries with unmarried people of the opposite sex for the both of you. A baseline if you will before moving on to this particular issue.

Edited November 3, 2011 by Dravin

[Guest tbaird22]

Pay someone to beat the crap out of the addict friend (or do it yourself).

Im just kidding but it does seem highly inappropriate to me. I would be fine with my wife having friends of the opposite gender so long as they were not dependent on her like this guy apparently is. if she has a female sponsor what is she doing talking to this guy in the first place...?

[ryanh]

Ask yourself: Why does she choose to confide/lean on him as opposed to any other person? I suspect it is because there is an emotional connection. Even if it is a completely benign friendship emotional connection, it poses some level of risk to your relationship.

Eventually you two will have disagreements and bumpy patches. And where would she go for a listening ear? Such is the arrangement that is the precursor to many unintentional affairs. I would suggest you two read His Needs, Her Needs to understand more fully why a close connection with a member of the opposite gender is an unwise practice for a married person.

The couples are now on speaking terms with each other. Jim has come to the solid understanding that there must always be a distinct emotional distance between himself and any person of the opposite sex, and that a breach in proper relationships must never happen again. He is now convinced that there is great security, after all, in the kind of healthy caution we are all counseled to maintain.

Keeping the Marriage Covenant - Ensign

Jane didn’t wake up one morning with an intentional desire to hurt Aaron or pull away from him. She simply found herself emotionally attracted to a man who demonstrated qualities she perceived lacking in Aaron. As her relationship with that co-worker progressed, she began to feel justified in her behavior. She admitted, “I felt more important and valued around my co-worker than I did around my husband.”

. . .

Physical infidelity is only one of the many temptations Satan uses to break up families and marriages. Emotional infidelity, which occurs when emotions and thoughts are focused on someone other than a spouse, is an insidious threat that can weaken the trust between a couple and shatter peace of mind.

Emotional infidelity doesn’t usually happen suddenly; rather, it occurs gradually—often imperceptibly at first. This is one reason why those involved often feel innocent of any wrongdoing.

Jane didn’t wake up one morning with an intentional desire to hurt Aaron or pull away from him. She simply found herself emotionally attracted to a man who demonstrated qualities she perceived lacking in Aaron. As her relationship with that co-worker progressed, she began to feel justified in her behavior. She admitted, “I felt more important and valued around my co-worker than I did around my husband.”

Fidelity in Marriage: It’s More Than You Think - Ensign

[Jennarator]

Since she has a female sponser, then that is the person that she should confide in. If she doesn't feel close enough to this sponser, then she finds to find a better one.

Sounds like the sponser doesn't want to give her the time she needs. I would NOT be comfortable if my (now ex-husband) had a female "friend" that acted like a sponser. That is asking for trouble. Before you know it she will be venting to the person about you or something that the two of you should be discussing and not this dude.

[JudoMinja]

Well, I'm on the same page as everybody else now. I didn't realize that sponsors are always assigned same gender, and didn't realize that her sponsor is female. As tbaird said, why is she confiding in this guy if her sponsor is a completely different person? That, indeed, makes this an inappropriate relationship to be having while married, as there is clearly no reason for it other than an emotional connection.

[Jennarator]

ryanh was typing at the same time I was, he said exactly what I was thinking.

[slamjet]

Her sponsor is pushing that she maintain this relationship with him.

That may have been semi appropriate when he was single, but as soon as he became engaged, the opposite needed to be pushed.

Someone needs to have a talk with this person. And that someone is your future husband.

[NeuroTypical]

I feel like a single guy confiding to a married woman may be inappropriate.

It sounds like you have a choice to make, about whether to marry this woman or not. If you marry her, you are accepting that she doesn't think it's inappropriate, and will be occasionally doing it. Or, you can marry her and fight with her every time she does it. And maybe wreck and end your marriage over it. Because you hoped that things would work out. I know it's only two weeks away from the big day and all, but I really suggest you either get over it, or call off the engagement. Because this won't go away. She's been open and honest with you about who she is, and what she thinks is appropriate.

There's one other thing to suggest - if you haven't already. Go get a copy of the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book and read the holy livin' heck out of it. Know who you are marrying, and figure out if you should be married to her.

Edited November 4, 2011 by Loudmouth_Mormon

[RMGuy]

I'll give you a slightly different take for what it is worth.

It is inappropriate IF you believe it is inappropriate. The real question here isn't if there is some cosmic and eternal right or wrong regarding this issue, but rather what it does to your relationship together. Can you support her and trust her in this, or does it make you uncomfortable, insecure, nervous, or anxious. If this is the case then the two of you need to talk about it. If she feels it is more important to maintain this past friendship even in the face of your concerns then that should tell you how she values each relationship. On the otherhand, you need to understand that if this makes you nervous or insecure, she is going to feel that you don't trust her judgement.

Either way, this isn't about what people on this board think, or even what your friends, family, or anyone else thinks, it is about what you as a couple believe.

Good luck.

-RM

[Guest mormonmusic]

I agree with RMGuy. We look to the Church and other people's ideas too much -- perhaps we're so conditioned to believe we can't make such decisions on our own.