bytor2112 Posted November 26, 2011 Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 Affairs often begin because of close work relationships. Friendships turn into romance unexpectedly and people just fall in love. Why? What causes a friendship to turn into "love"? An associate of mine is happily married, but is also "in love" with a co-worker. They work together...closely and have been friends for a long time, but, now there is something deeper going on. He has not been unfaithful nor has he mentioned his feelings with the co-worker....nor does he intend to. Yet, the feelings are real and he thinks she feels the same. The knowing glances... He feels guilty for having these feelings....should he? He is happy at home with his wife and has no intention of leaving or acting on his feelings. Yet, there is a danger because these feelings of "love" or super attraction can be overwhelming. Advice? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vort Posted November 26, 2011 Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 He should quit working with the woman, change departments if necessary. Or jobs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bytor2112 Posted November 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 He should quit working with the woman, change departments if necessary. Or jobs.That's drastic. Might not be that easy to change jobs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vort Posted November 26, 2011 Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 That's drastic. Might not be that easy to change jobs.Disagree. If he's involved in an emotional affair, nothing else matters. He must stop. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 26, 2011 Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 Why does it matter if it's easy or not? Doing the right thing often isn't. At very least he needs to widen boundaries. A lot. No more communicating with this woman outside of necessary work business. It would seem to me that if he's making an earnest effort to do that, changing jobs might actually be easier than staying there. Beyond that, a greater effort in scripture study, prayer, and temple attendance would probably do him some good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annewandering Posted November 26, 2011 Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 Ask him which he places the highest priority, the job or the family. Then he can act accordingly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bytor2112 Posted November 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 What if his going would impact the objection of his affection livelyhood? She is after all innocent in all of this....and really he is as well, he hasn't divulged his feelings to her. He is a good and faithful saint, attends the Temple regularly and these feelings were uninvited and unintended. So, how does that happen? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bytor2112 Posted November 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 Disagree. If he's involved in an emotional affair, nothing else matters. He must stop.Having feelings for someone hardly constitutes an emotional affair. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 26, 2011 Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 When it comes to my marriage, my opinions are pretty extreme. One of the primary ones is that I don't have male friends outside of where my husband is, and I don't have conversations that are below the surface at all, even with men at church. I keep things friendly, but brief. I don't think that men and women can be friends with 100% safety. If he had never had a personal conversation with her, had never talked about anything in his heart or heard anything in hers, how could they have fallen in love? Their boundaries weren't wide or strong enough. Hindsight now, but for all the arguing people do against my idea of not having friends of the opposite sex, I have to say that this is exactly why. No one is immune. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruthiechan Posted November 26, 2011 Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 There are probably aspects of her personality that are similar to his wife's personality. I have had unexpected feelings for male friends but I realized it's because they are similar to the man I am married to. These men also happen to be my husband's friends so chucking them out of my life is not an option. I am just careful with boundaries so as to not trigger anything and keep my focus on sibling type love. If I begin to feel anything inappropriate again I take it to prayer and fasting and then go serve my husband. I also focus on the BROTHERLY love I have for them, and leave it at that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bytor2112 Posted November 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 There are probably aspects of her personality that are similar to his wife's personality. I have had unexpected feelings for male friends but I realized it's because they are similar to the man I am married to. These men also happen to be my husband's friends so chucking them out of my life is not an option. I am just careful with boundaries so as to not trigger anything and keep my focus on sibling type love. If I begin to feel anything inappropriate again I take it to prayer and fasting and then go serve my husband. I also focus on the BROTHERLY love I have for them, and leave it at that.I am of the opinion that personalities are what they are and they can unexpectedly attract others. There are certainly more suitable matches in life than just our spouses, so, it happens. In life, we can often feel for others and their life events and feel pain when they do and on occasion this deep caring can turn into something more....unexpectedly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vort Posted November 26, 2011 Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 Having feelings for someone hardly constitutes an emotional affair.Perhaps I misunderstood you when you wrote:An associate of mine is happily married, but is also "in love" with a co-worker...now there is something deeper going on...the feelings are real and he thinks she feels the same. The knowing glances...He feels guilty for having these feelings....should he?...there is a danger because these feelings of "love" or super attraction can be overwhelming.Sounds to me like an inappropriate emotional attachment, whether or not it rises (or sinks) to the level of "emotional affair". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruthiechan Posted November 26, 2011 Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 However, love is also a choice, especially romantic love. I choose not to fall in love with anyone but my husband. But there are different kinds love and it's the shift in focus on the type of love that allows me to love without infidelity. One thing he must never do is complain about his wife to his coworker. They must never go out to lunch to discuss work together alone. They must never hug, or rub each other's shoulders. He needs to talk about his wife to her in positive ways, such as how amazing she is and all the wonderful things they do together, etc etc. It may seem over blown but it is not. This, what my above advice will allow him to work with this woman without having inappropriate feelings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bytor2112 Posted November 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 Perhaps I misunderstood you when you wrote:An associate of mine is happily married, but is also "in love" with a co-worker...now there is something deeper going on...the feelings are real and he thinks she feels the same. The knowing glances...He feels guilty for having these feelings....should he?...there is a danger because these feelings of "love" or super attraction can be overwhelming.Sounds to me like an inappropriate emotional attachment, whether or not it rises (or sinks) to the level of "emotional affair".Yes and I think he totally sees it that way as well. That being said, he isn't a love sick....young person, but he is surprised by his feelings....or maybe confused. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bytor2112 Posted November 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 However, love is also a choice, especially romantic love. I choose not to fall in love with anyone but my husband. But there are different kinds love and it's the shift in focus on the type of love that allows me to love without infidelity. One thing he must never do is complain about his wife to his coworker. They must never go out to lunch to discuss work together alone. They must never hug, or rub each other's shoulders. He needs to talk about his wife to her in positive ways, such as how amazing she is and all the wonderful things they do together, etc etc. It may seem over blown but it is not. This, what my above advice will allow him to work with this woman without having inappropriate feelings.Sound advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruthiechan Posted November 26, 2011 Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 That what in my last sentence should be with in reference to my first post. >_< Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beefche Posted November 26, 2011 Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 There is nothing inherently wrong about being attracted to someone who is not your spouse. However, it is wrong to entertain thoughts or actions to further deepen a "friendship" once an attraction is realized. The moment this friend realized he was attracted to the co-worker, he should have limited his interactions with the co-worker and stopped the thoughts of "being in love" or attracted to her. And the friend is NOT responsible for the co-worker's emotional health. If he must stop all contact (including leaving the job) to avoid her, then he should do so (and I think he should). His leaving may hurt her emotionally (or even financially), but that is a consequence of allowing oneself to become attached emotionally to someone who is not one's spouse. Should he feel guilty? Yes, in the sense that the guilt prompts him to change his behavior and thoughts to better his marriage and self. He may think that these feelings came from "nowhere", but I'm a firm believer that love is a choice. The attraction may have come from out of left field; however, furthering friendship, entertaining emotional thoughts and maintaining contact with her did not just "happen." Those were chosen actions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leah Posted November 26, 2011 Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 Affairs often begin because of close work relationships. Friendships turn into romance unexpectedly and people just fall in love. Why? What causes a friendship to turn into "love"?An associate of mine is happily married, but is also "in love" with a co-worker. They work together...closely and have been friends for a long time, but, now there is something deeper going on. He has not been unfaithful nor has he mentioned his feelings with the co-worker....nor does he intend to. Yet, the feelings are real and he thinks she feels the same. The knowing glances...He feels guilty for having these feelings....should he? He is happy at home with his wife and has no intention of leaving or acting on his feelings. Yet, there is a danger because these feelings of "love" or super attraction can be overwhelming.Advice?One doesn't "just" fall in love. It's a choice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soulsearcher Posted November 26, 2011 Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 Some thoughts If it's only one sided then it makes things a little easier. I've had this pop up at work myself and I might dispute that it's a choice. The developing feelings and attractions were a complete surprise to me. Acting on the feelings is of course a choice but i really don't think there was any choice to fall for the guy at work. Changing jobs, or transferring departments or locations doesn't always work. There has to be a conviction of will to avoid contact otherwise it can actually make things worse almost like feeding an addiction because there's the loss of constantly feeding the feelings. In my case i knew it was getting bad, the guy worked directly under my supervision and we got very close so i took a transfer to another store. He took it badly because we were close friends, but he had no clue my feelings went deeper and so he kept making contact and i wasn't strong enough to make a clean break. 3 months later we were dating. I knew there were things wrong with it, but finally i didn't care and just gave in, so there are times even when trying to do the best and be strong isn't enough if temptation is still there in any little way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bytor2112 Posted November 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 One doesn't "just" fall in love. It's a choice.Really? I don't think so....it may be a process, but not so sure it is a choice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beefche Posted November 26, 2011 Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 How does one fall in love then? Doesn't one choose to progress from being an acquaintance to getting to know someone? Isn't that a choice? You meet someone that you find attractive, then you choose to begin thinking of that person more and more and allow yourself to think of that person in a romantic sense. You choose to spend time with that person. How is love not a choice? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soulsearcher Posted November 26, 2011 Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 How does one fall in love then? Doesn't one choose to progress from being an acquaintance to getting to know someone? Isn't that a choice? You meet someone that you find attractive, then you choose to begin thinking of that person more and more and allow yourself to think of that person in a romantic sense. You choose to spend time with that person. How is love not a choice?I can answer in the last example i gave. I didn't have a choice of spending time with him. I was his boss. There was no way at the time to avoid spending time with him. As for choosing to think about someone i agree there are times we do choose to think on certain things, but also time we find our minds on things we didn't really intend to dwell on. I spent more effort trying not to develop feelings rather than making choices to develop feelings for a number of personal and business reasons. I specifically limited time and refused to think in romantic terms and yet it really didn't change the feelings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dravin Posted November 26, 2011 Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 Really? I don't think so....it may be a process, but not so sure it is a choice.Love is a choice, attraction may not be, but attraction is not love. Maybe the issue is one of terminology, I note that you scare quote love which suggests to me that you mean it in a particular way, most likely one that isn't the most common. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bytor2112 Posted November 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 Love is a choice, attraction may not be, but attraction is not love. Maybe the issue is one of terminology, I note that you scare quote love which suggests to me that you mean it in a particular way, most likely one that isn't the most common.I can't agree that love is a choice....the heart wants what the heart wants despite the logical choice might be otherwise. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dravin Posted November 26, 2011 Report Share Posted November 26, 2011 (edited) I can't agree that love is a choice....the heart wants what the heart wants despite the logical choice might be otherwise.Fundamentally one cannot love someone in a romantic sense without knowing them, and getting to know someone is fundamentally a choice. There are many emotions that do not require any sort of intimate attachment or level of knowledge; romantic love is not one of them. Infatuation, attraction, obsession, pining, these can all be built around a scaffold of fantasy, true romantic love requires knowledge and connection which are choices.P.S.: I am of course talking about my understanding of romantic love and not a dictionary definition. Edited November 26, 2011 by Dravin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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