Husband is questioning the church...

[pam]

I read this post and currently struggling with this with my wife also. She has read many articles about the masons and the similarities with the temple. She is also struggling with plural marriage and how Joseph was engaged in marriage and sex with married women. I must admit that is disturbing.

What is "fair"? A couple people mentioned looking at Fair?

FAIRMormon

[cwald]

I read this post and currently struggling with this with my wife also. She has read many articles about the masons and the similarities with the temple. She is also struggling with plural marriage and how Joseph was engaged in marriage and sex with married women. I must admit that is disturbing.

What is "fair"? A couple people mentioned looking at Fair?

FAIR would be a good place to research if one is having troubles with doctrinal and history issues. I would also recommend John Dehlins, stayLDS.com website. New Order Mormon also discusses tough issues like polygamy and temples, and tries to help people navigate a middle way. Both these sites are designed to help folks find a middle ground, somewhere between absolutely fundamentalists and complete rejection.

[DasMarcos]

If you want your husband to be convinced of the faith do so by your actions and the way you carry yourself as a caring and empathetic human being. You could show him all the facts available but unless he sees you enacting the faith through your acts he won't change his mind, if anything he'll drift apart further.

Don't pressure him to conform to your worldview but show him how much better your faith makes you as a human being. Show him the great things the faith does for you and how it makes your life all the better. Be positive and exude that power that the faith has for you. He'll witness all of that and he'll want to be a part of it. If you show him how the faith can change your life for the better he won't need any convincing.

So please stick to your faith and grow stronger. Read scriptures, enact the principles of what you hear and read, and don't just make it a side dish of your life. Religion is supposed to flow throughout your day and throughout your years. Use the path you've been given to your advantage and be a light unto others. Then your husband will see and appreciate the faith for what it is.

Good luck and God Bless.

[RMGuy]

I think you have gotten some good advice here in the last couple of posts. Remember too what Covey said, "seek first to understand, and then be understood." Try to see things through his eyes. Sometimes I think we are so quick to defend our faith because we know it is true, that we forget that others don't. We always ask them to study and pray and find out if it is true too. While this is good advice, it might also be a good idea, especially with a spouse, to review what their concerns are and try to see the church through their eyes. Seek to understand.

-RM

[Gramajane]

It is when we question things that we find out what we really know or don't. God wants us to go to study and go to him when we lack wisdom and for confirmation through the Holy Ghost. We are not to just be doing blind obedience.

FAIR is a help, and just be aware that anti distorts things so much that though there may be a nugget of truth, that it becomes a lie when so distorted- like a fun house mirror. Get to the sources, read the context, compare the whole flow of the Bible, and what other things were taught by the same person.

Yes, you can come out much stronger by study AND prayer- so you have the path, keep with the scripture reading- together out loud, each reading a verse at a time and talking it over when questions come.

Remember, as I understand the greeting MOST used by Jesus was "Be of good cheer, or Be not afraid" as it is Satan that wants us to fear as in fear we pull back and he gains influence! It will all work out as you trust God and obey the commandments. Nothing will be put before you that will be more than you can handle, if you love (obey) the Lord. God bless us, everyone!

[Gramajane]

Work to be in scripture reading at least 20 min a day. :)

[Dlister]

I just wanted to say that I am sorry that you are going through this. I know from first hand experience how painful this can be. You have a idea how your life is going to be. I never thought in a million years I would be married to a spouse that doesn't go to church. I always thought that I would raise my kids in an 2 parents LDS home. Breaks my heart that my kids aren't going to have this as their childhood.

Lots of HUGS

Jen

[cwald]

I just wanted to say that I am sorry that you are going through this. I know from first hand experience how painful this can be. You have a idea how your life is going to be. I never thought in a million years I would be married to a spouse that doesn't go to church. I always thought that I would raise my kids in an 2 parents LDS home. Breaks my heart that my kids aren't going to have this as their childhood.

Lots of HUGS

Jen

I don't get what you are saying? Is raising your kids in a 2 parent LDS home AND being married to spouse that doesn't go to church - necessarily related?

[HEthePrimate]

I just wanted to say that I am sorry that you are going through this. I know from first hand experience how painful this can be. You have a idea how your life is going to be. I never thought in a million years I would be married to a spouse that doesn't go to church. I always thought that I would raise my kids in an 2 parents LDS home. Breaks my heart that my kids aren't going to have this as their childhood.

Lots of HUGS

Jen

Sorry, but you lost me there.

Does your spouse love you and treat you well? If so, that's great!

Do your children have two loving parents? If so, they are pretty darn lucky!

Having an active LDS spouse may be what you envisioned, and both spouses sharing a faith can make certain things easier, but it is not the "end all and be all" of happy family life. You can enjoy a loving and happy family even if you view religion differently. Enjoy the wonderful blessings you have!

Peace,

HEP

[RMGuy]

I just wanted to say that I am sorry that you are going through this. I know from first hand experience how painful this can be. You have a idea how your life is going to be. I never thought in a million years I would be married to a spouse that doesn't go to church. I always thought that I would raise my kids in an 2 parents LDS home. Breaks my heart that my kids aren't going to have this as their childhood.

Lots of HUGS

Jen

Isn't it interesting though that if there was a family of (insert religion of your choice here) and the missionaries knocked on the door, taught the family, and only one of the parents elected to join the church while the rest remained faithful to the existing religion...that we wouldn't see that as sad or heartbreaking at all. In fact, we have no problem whatsoever with the missionaries doing exactly this thing.

Yet if an LDS parent leaves the faith for another, or for no religion at all, we see that as someting bordering a disaster. Without seeing some of the things that the previous posters pointed out. Like it is still a loving family.

Don't get me wrong, families sealed together forever is a beautiful concept. In practice I would take a loving family that is striving to live Christlike principles everytime over the one that has the right ordinances and isn't living up to that ideal. While they aren't mutually exclusive, it sounds like the OP has good family relationships. I would be surprised if that doesn't count for more than we think at the judgement bar.

-RM

[LDSJewess]

I decided to respond to this thread in two spparate posts since they really address two separate issues.

The first is regarding Masonry and the LDS church.

1. Joseph Smith himself was a Mason.

2. There are a number of Temple worthy men in our church that are Masons and have held high offices in the Masonic lodge while also being Priesthood holders in the church; one I know of is a former Bisop and another a former Stake President.

3. If you "read a lot of things" about Masonry please keep in mind that the rituals and beliefs in the Masonic Lodge are kept as confidental among it's membership much as Temple rites are among Temple going LDS members. Because of this some confuse the words "sacred" and "private" with "secret" which are not the same things at all. And when people are trying to find answers to all these "secrets: that they choose not to be a part of, they often get very confused and distort the truths (which is the main reason Masonic rites and Temple rites are kept confidential). To keep them from being the subject of ridicule from those who don not understand and frankly they likely only want to believe scintillating stories and myths rather than truths.

So there are Masons that are also Mormons, and there are Masons that are members of other churches and synagogues. It is unlikely that any Mormon who is also a Mason will lose their faith and testimony in the church because of their Masonic affiliation.

[LDSJewess]

KRCP,

My advice would be to continue to love him. Your situation while difficult, is not entirely unique. There are many on this board as well as others who have dealt with a faith crisis of their own or that of a spouse. You do need to take some time and ponder what this means to you. Then you need to be open and honest with your spouse.

1. What if he falls away totally, and even asks for his name to be removed from church records. but in all other ways remains the good upstanding man you married, a fantastic husband and father. What will you do?

2. What if he falls away totally and decides to "sin a little" and decides to have a beer or wine with dinner? What will you do?

3. What if he struggles and is willing to do some gospel related things, callings, attend church, etc. but not others....won't pay tithing or attend the temple? What will you do?

You can control you, and you need to know that he is on a journey. At this point even he probably isn't sure where he will end up. I can promise you that if you try to control him that it might "bring him around" for a short while, but in the end he will resent you for it. :-(

Best thing is to open up the dialogue, let him know how you feel, your concerns and worries and fears, as well as your hopes and dreams. Let him know you love him, and care for him, and listen to him as well. Really listen. Don't just brush his fears or concerns aside anymore than you would want him to do this to you.

Finally, best of luck. It is not an easy road, but you might just find that if it is handled well it brings the two of you even closer together, regardless of where he ends up.

-RM

Ok now in addressing the spouse issue. I clicked the thank you icon to RM's post because I was struggling with some of these issues.

Neither my husband or I were born and raised in the LDS church. We are both converts of 20 plus years and our children are grown (5 between us). One child was baprised as a teen and another grandchild since baptized. The rest are either faithful members of Catholism, Judiasm or are not particularily religious (meaning they have no organized church affiliation).

My husband and I were sealed in the Temple, were very active in the church and then out of complacency and laziness became fairly inactive. My husband didn't discuss any of his reasons other than he preferred working on Sunday where the pay was best, and he did not want a calling. So like the OP, I got lazy too and although kept up on prayer and scripture study it seemed easier to stay home and sleep in most Sunday mornings.

A year ago we decided to return to church with a little prodding and encouragement from a new enthusiastic pair of missionaries and an enthusiastic new Bishop who called on us in our home. We made the committment to return and we both are active in our callings.

So a year has passed and I wanted to renew my Temple recommend but was hesitant because my husband did not want to renew. His reasons were 1. Did not want to commit to tithing, 2. Did not want to commit to wearing garments because he felt they were to hot???? and 4. He wanted to "keep the option to have a beer once in a while" but I am not sure when he ever had that beer he wants to keep the "option open" to have. And 4. He has to have that morning cup of coffee.

For me it is easier to tithe because my income is not responsible for paying many of the household expenses. 2. I never liked coffee or alcohol in the first place including before I ever joined the church, and I am perfectly comfortable in garments and don't find them relative to weather hot or cold etc:

So for a while I felt guilty that it was probably easier for me to be Temple worthy. Or at least that was my thinking so I decided to wait to see if my husband would change and we could eventually go back to Temple together.

But then I talked to a sister about this and she said, the Temple and my decision to go is about me and my covenants with Heavenly Father, not anyone else. So I had a heart to heart discussion with my Bishop, and eventually my Stake President. And my Stake President asked me the very questions almost verbatum that RMguy just posted here. And needless to say I received my recommend and will simply go to Temple with others in my Ward when they go.

I will miss not sharing this with my husband at least for now. I have hopes that he will have a change of heart. But I know that if he does not choose to, it is about him and not about me. Perhaps he may never attend Temple again in this life. And perhpas we may not even wind up in the same place in the after life. But our lives are indeed eternal and with an eternal perspective, we are ever progressing in this life and in the next. We each need to allow our loved ones to use their free agency and progress at their own rate and Heavenly Father will answer our prayers in his own time., not ours. After all we have an eternity.

But in the mean time, as my Stake President added, through prsayer, scripture study and regular Church attendance, and accepting a church calling as well as attending the Templee as often as possible, I would be setting an example.

My husband and I are happily married but in two different places regarding at least the Temple right now. Only one of 5 children and one of 14 grandchildren are baptized, and none are Temple Worthy right now.

But it has to begin somewhere in each family. With so many members of the church (perhpas close to the majiority being converts), it is likely that many of us do not have complete families in the church at all. So it is up to those of us that are to pray, read scriptures, and lovingly encourage our spouses, family members and loved ones. We cannot force anything to happen. But we can do our part, and I believe with all my heart that the blessings we receive will be worth the effort and the wait.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

[Guest tomk]

I think in many ways you have actually ended-up answering your own question because of some of the statements you have made.

I know the church is true...I have just been lazy in my prayers and scripture study, personal and with the family. I feel like my laziness is finally catching up to me and I'm struggling.

Seems to me like you know where to begin! Prayer & scripture study!!

He asked if it is bad to believe the church is true, but not the temple?

Our testimonies are living things. They are strengthened by some things and are weakened by other things.

This has confused me so badly! He said he feels like he has never felt the spirit there...but he does in attending church.

Yeah -- it's the Temple's fault that he's not feeling the Spirit there!

I know he needs to figure these things out for himself, but I am letting myself get way too worked up over it.

The fact that you ARE worrying about this suggests that you DO NOT understand that he needs to figure this out for himself!

My concern is that he will eventually decide that he's going to leave the church. I fear going to church by myself with our kids...not having the priesthood in our home...the judgments from the members of our ward...not being able to spend forever with him. I don't just want him for our earth life. I feel so scared.

None of which you really have any real control over.

I know things will happen in the Lords time, but I am so impatient and can't stop worrying about it. He had such a hard time telling me that it is starting to hurt him w/ all of my crying and freaking out.

You are full of contradictions. You know how things should work, and yet have no faith in those beliefs.

I would just focus on getting your own self spiritually well again. You can't force your husband to heaven, no matter how much you worry about it.

[krcp]

You are full of contradictions. You know how things should work, and yet have no faith in those beliefs.

I have no Faith?

I am speechless. I don't even know how to respond to that because it couldn't be any further from the truth!!!

[RMGuy]

I have no Faith?

I am speechless. I don't even know how to respond to that because it couldn't be any further from the truth!!!

Welcome to the group KRCP, you can't be considered a real member here until you have been hazed a few times. it seems to go with the territory.

-RM