Husband is questioning the church...

[krcp]

3 days ago I'm not even sure how it came up, but my husband (of 11 1/2 years) told me he is struggling. It was so much of a shock, i was in tears, he was in tears. We were both so scared. We were both born into the church and have been active our whole lives! He served a mission, we were married in the temple, and now we have 4 beautiful kiddos. Life seemed so perfect! Then I feel like this came out of the blue, but not really because I have been having my own struggles.

I know the church is true...I have just been lazy in my prayers and scripture study, personal and with the family. I feel like my laziness is finally catching up to me and I'm struggling. I have thoughts about being done and it scares me to death. I don't want to give up. I feel like satan is really tempting me. I was able to share these feelings with my husband. I felt such a relief. His concerns had me really worried though. He asked if it is bad to believe the church is true, but not the temple? This has confused me so badly! He said he feels like he has never felt the spirit there...but he does in attending church. I know he needs to figure these things out for himself, but I am letting myself get way too worked up over it.

My concern is that he will eventually decide that he's going to leave the church. I fear going to church by myself with our kids...not having the priesthood in our home...the judgments from the members of our ward...not being able to spend forever with him. I don't just want him for our earth life. I feel so scared.

He said he was excited that we were in this journey together and it will make us stronger. When I tell him I don't want to lose our eternal family he tells me to stop thinking like that.

I guess I am looking for advice, hopefully something comforting from someone that has been through something similar...I know things will happen in the Lords time, but I amso impatient and can't stop worrying about it. He had such a hard time telling me that it is starting to hurt him w/ all of my crying and freaking out.

I feel like I have been over-doing things the last 2 days. Just need to get back to basics of scriptures and prayer, personal, family, and together...I pray that helps us. I think I have seen too many fall away and I never wanted that to be us.

[Tyler90AZ]

Whatever you do, do not take his free will. I was in a questioning phase which probably would have been a few weeks. However, the in-laws felt the need to destroy my life over it. It took me three months to even desire a testimony again. Off course when I rejoined the church a week later I got my life back. I think it was a few extreme members, not church policy.

[krcp]

I know I need to be here for him and help with what I can...have faith that he will make the right choice! Just need to be reassured that people can have doubts/questions and it strengthens them, not always turning them away!

[Tyler90AZ]

I know I need to be here for him and help with what I can...have faith that he will make the right choice! Just need to be reassured that people can have doubts/questions and it strengthens them, not always turning them away!

You just gave yourself better advice then anyone will give!

[livy111us]

What exactly are his concerns? You may want to contact FAIR with his concerns, they specialize in answering questions which shake peoples faith Contacting FAIR

[pam]

I know the church is true...I have just been lazy in my prayers and scripture study, personal and with the family.

I also feel this answers part of your questions. You can't fully support someone with their own struggles if not utilizing the things that can be of support and comfort to you as well.

[krcp]

What exactly are his concerns? You may want to contact FAIR with his concerns, they specialize in answering questions which shake peoples faith

The main thing was him feeling like he had never felt the spirit in the temple, and then in a later discussion he mentioned similarities with Masonic...? I had never heard anything regarding this before but after looking at some of the FAIR stuff I am seeing some. I will have to pass it along to him!

I am feeling a little more calm, which is good! I have been a mess! I know this is going to be a process that is going to take some time. As long as I can remain calm (I tend to freak out a lot, lol) and keep moving forward increasing my own testimony I can hope he will be by my side increasing his as well!!

[krcp]

What exactly are his concerns? You may want to contact FAIR with his concerns, they specialize in answering questions which shake peoples faith Contacting FAIR

The main thing was him feeling like he had never felt the spirit in the temple, and then in a later discussion he mentioned similarities with Masonic...? I had never heard anything regarding this before but after looking at some of the FAIR stuff I am seeing some. I will have to pass it along to him!

I am feeling a little more calm, which is good! I have been a mess! I know this is going to be a process that is going to take some time. As long as I can remain calm (I tend to freak out a lot, lol) and keep moving forward increasing my own testimony I can hope he will be by my side increasing his as well!!

[pam]

You have a good attitude and a willingness to make things work and that's important. I really wish you the best as you go through this.

[Jenamarie]

I was in your husband's shoes not too long ago. My husband was very supportive, and let me do my own searching.

One piece of advice I might give to your husband is: Don't let what you don't know destroy your faith in what you DO know.

I would suggest that he write down a list of things he feels confident that he DOES believe, and then another list of his questions. This will help him to focus his "search efforts" for answers, although the answers won't likely come from obvious places, and when/if things start to feel too overwhelming, he can look over the list of things he DOES know and they can help ground him and not feel so... untethered. At least, that's how I felt when I found myself questioning the Gospel I'd been raised in and identified with my entire life.

And more specific advice for you (though it doesn't sound like you're doing this, I'm just going to put it out there): Don't criticize his questions. Don't ever say "Is that really that important to understand?" or "Do you really need to know that in order to have a testimony?" or anything like that. Let him work out his own understanding of the Gospel, whatever side he comes out on.

[krcp]

One piece of advice I might give to your husband is: Don't let what you don't know destroy your faith in what you DO know.

I was posting here not really wanting him to know, just looking for my own comfort of sorts...but I am definitely going to share this with him. Great advice. I looked at your blog and saw you live in WA, that's where I grew up! Big state, but I lived in Centralia! :) I miss it up there!

[skippy740]

The main thing was him feeling like he had never felt the spirit in the temple, and then in a later discussion he mentioned similarities with Masonic...? I had never heard anything regarding this before but after looking at some of the FAIR stuff I am seeing some. I will have to pass it along to him!

Very few aspects of the LDS church are done with such 'precision' and with a lot of 'ceremony' and 'rites'. It can feel very different. But that usually goes away after a while (from my own understanding).

I'm going to add something that may or may not be an issue. But if a member is thinking 'chronologically' about history, they'll think that any similarities between temple rites and masonry means that masonry 'had it right first' and we just 'adapted' it.

This negates our core doctrine of revelation. Joseph Smith was a mason. He joined the masons for many reasons. 1) the Lord told him to. 2) brotherhood protection and 3) to learn the masonic rites.

When Joseph Smith was martyred at Carthage Jail, he exclaimed "O Lord My God"... which was a masonic cry for help.

This is a podcast about Mormons & Masons... discussing (quite frankly) the history of Masons & Mormons... and what Joseph Smith has said about Masonic rites including a long-time current member and Mason. I think you'd find it quite interesting:

Mormons and Masons | Mormon Chronicle

[livy111us]

Here are some GREAT articles showing the endowment to be ancient and to have *not* came from masonry. The Lord has said over and over that the endowment was "revealed" which means it didn't need to have been "borrowed" from anything. There is so much that is documented in ancient literature which shows the endowment to be ancient.

The Israelite Temple and the Early Christians

LDS Temple Endowment

The Temple in Time and Eternity by Donald W. Parry, and Stephen D. Ricks

Restoring the Ancient Church, Chapter 6

Early Christian and Jewish Rituals Related to Temple Practices

[applepansy]

krcp, I'm sorry your family is going through this. You're received some great advice. So I won't repeat. I just want you to know that neither you or your husband are alone. Everyone...well almost everyone... struggles with their testimony sometime during their life. Sometimes it happens when we learn something we didn't know about church history, or maybe a gospel principle we didn't understand becomes clear and its not what we're comfortable with.... I could go on... I won't.

My crisis came after about 10 years of constant unrelenting pain. I was praying but I didn't feel my prayers were being answered because I was still in pain. If there was really a Savior and the atonement was real then why wasn't I granted this request? I was doing everything else right - going to church, paying tithing, reading scriptures, constantly praying (really constantly), fasting. Why did I have to be in so much pain? I stopped praying.

We hadn't lived in this ward very long and I didn't know people here very well. No one here knew about the health issues I was struggling with. One night after a particularly stressful day at work the RS presidency showed up at my door without calling. All FOUR of them. Not just the RS pres and her counselors but the secretary too. After the usual hellos and how are you? how is your family? questions, (Of course I was doing my best to hide the pain.), the RS president said "I don't know why we're here but I have felt there was a need and we came to make sure you were ok." I assured her I was fine and they left. But when she said that I felt like a warm blanket had been wrapped around me. It was all I could do to not let it show... wow was I prideful...but I succeeded. After they left I went upstairs to my room and cried. It wasn't the answer to my prayers that I wanted but it was an answer I needed and all the doubts melted away.

Satan will find the crack in our armour. He knows us well. He will use that crack to plant seeds of doubt.

I will suggest one thing: put your names on the temple prayer roll and keep them there. Call every two weeks (that's how long they keep the names on the prayer roll). It works especially when we combine all those prayers with our own.

[Finrock]

Good evening krcp! :)

The best thing I know to say is that if you haven't already, make the decision to latch on to the Church with all of your heart and believe that it is the church of Jesus Christ. Once you've made that decision, live your life so that your husband will see and feel how this gospel has brought you closer to Heavenly Father.

You can't entertain the thought that if you explore your weaknesses together that you will somehow have the strength to come back to the light.

Regards,

Finrock

[krcp]

Everyone...well almost everyone... struggles with their testimony sometime during their life. Sometimes it happens when we learn something we didn't know about church history, or maybe a gospel principle we didn't understand becomes clear and its not what we're comfortable with.... I could go on... I won't.

thanks so much for your thoughts! i really appreciate them! i know that everyone struggles with their testimony, I guess i never thought that would happen to me. I think mine has more to do with my anxiety. A lady in my ward had a seizure while the sacrament was being passed a couple years back and it really freaked me out. I'm not sure why, maybe that something like that could happen at church? So my anxiety got worse and I have struggled w/ a mild panic attack almost every sunday. It is a horrible feeling. Satan knows my fears and weaknesses and he is totally using them against me! I had to give the opening prayer once and thought I was going to die. Last night I woke up and had a panic attack, i have been obsessing over what he (hubby) may choose to do that I am making myself sick over it!

Anyways, ever since we had our initial discussion about this I have had some major ups and downs. I decided this wasn't a time for me to have my own doubts, but a time to strengthen what I already believe in. I could NOT live without this gospel. This morning I was praying and a few moments later I felt peace. It wasn't intense or anything, but I really had a feeling everything will be ok in the end. I understand that I have to let him figure his things out in his own time, so I will make myself stronger, be a better example (especially to our kids) and keep praying that he will do the same.

Church was great today, the closing song was I know that my Redeemer Lives. I felt the spirit so strong and it brought tears to my eyes. I hope he felt it too! My primary lesson was on faith. It was exactly what I needed to hear! Funny how the Lord works that way!

I have also been doing lots of studying and praying on my own. I have a special journal just for writing down my feelings and struggles right now, as well as any scriptures, quotes, and thoughts I may run across!

Thanks so much for all of your encouragement! I really appreciate it!

[krcp]

The best thing I know to say is that if you haven't already, make the decision to latch on to the Church with all of your heart and believe that it is the church of Jesus Christ. Once you've made that decision, live your life so that your husband will see and feel how this gospel has brought you closer to Heavenly Father.

You are so right! And that is the decision I have decided to make. I have no desire to leave the church or find reasons to doubt it! Even though we are struggling w/ different things (mine pure laziness) I hope that he will see my effort and follow me!

You can't entertain the thought that if you explore your weaknesses together that you will somehow have the strength to come back to the light.

I completely agree! Our plan wasn't to explore our weaknesses, but to pray together daily (something we haven't done very often) and study the scriptures together! Try to make us stronger together while we get the answers we need!

I hate that right now I feel like I am the only one really interested, but I have been really good about family scripture study and family prayer each night. The spirit that that brings alone cannot be denied!

[Backroads]

I also feel this answers part of your questions. You can't fully support someone with their own struggles if not utilizing the things that can be of support and comfort to you as well.

I agree. Every time I find myself wondering about the state of faith of a loved one, I work on my own spirituality.

[Finrock]

Good evening krcp! I hope you are doing well tonight. :)

You are so right! And that is the decision I have decided to make. I have no desire to leave the church or find reasons to doubt it! Even though we are struggling w/ different things (mine pure laziness) I hope that he will see my effort and follow me!

Very nice!

I completely agree! Our plan wasn't to explore our weaknesses, but to pray together daily (something we haven't done very often) and study the scriptures together! Try to make us stronger together while we get the answers we need!

I gotcha. I misunderstood you. Thanks for clearing it up. And, that is a very good route to go together.

I hate that right now I feel like I am the only one really interested, but I have been really good about family scripture study and family prayer each night. The spirit that that brings alone cannot be denied!

I was just thinking about this, this Sunday, that how much those around us can either help us or hinder us in our spiritual progression. It's particularly true when it comes to spouses who are on very different spiritual "levels". When both spouses are living in relative sin they have the connection and commonality of sin. However, if one spouse decides to move up and out of sin and the other one doesn't, it can be difficult on many levels. In any case, I just am more writing to show that I empathize with your situation and hope that over time it improves.

Regards,

Finrock

Edited January 30, 2012 by Finrock

[krcp]

I was just thinking about this, this Sunday, that how much those around us can either help us or hinder us in our spiritual progression. It's particularly true when it comes to spouses who are on very different spiritual "levels". When both spouses are living in relative sin they have the connection and commonality of sin. However, if one spouse decides to move up and out of sin and the other one doesn't, it can be difficult on many levels. In any case, I just am more writing to show that I empathize with your situation and hope that over time it improves.

Thank you for thinking of me! I really in my heart feel like everything will be ok! I know that I still feel crappy about how things feel right now, but I have to rely on the Lord and have faith that everything will work out ok! I was having so much anxiety this morning and I went into our bedroom while he was getting ready for work and read half a chapter from the book of mormon to him, and then we prayed together. I said it. I loved the peace I felt! I don't care if I have to say it everyday...I can see it improving our relationship and everything tremendously! :)

[Finrock]

Good afternoon krcp! I hope you are doing well. :)

I loved the peace I felt! I don't care if I have to say it everyday...I can see it improving our relationship and everything tremendously! :)

To me it is absolutely amazing that such a seemingly small thing as reading the scriptures and praying daily can so powerfully affect the basic path our lives take, whether good or bad. But, amazing or not, it is true that reading the scriptures and praying daily can change your life.

The gospel is wonderful!

Regards,

Finrock

[RMGuy]

KRCP,

My advice would be to continue to love him. Your situation while difficult, is not entirely unique. There are many on this board as well as others who have dealt with a faith crisis of their own or that of a spouse. You do need to take some time and ponder what this means to you. Then you need to be open and honest with your spouse.

1. What if he falls away totally, and even asks for his name to be removed from church records. but in all other ways remains the good upstanding man you married, a fantastic husband and father. What will you do?

2. What if he falls away totally and decides to "sin a little" and decides to have a beer or wine with dinner? What will you do?

3. What if he struggles and is willing to do some gospel related things, callings, attend church, etc. but not others....won't pay tithing or attend the temple? What will you do?

You can control you, and you need to know that he is on a journey. At this point even he probably isn't sure where he will end up. I can promise you that if you try to control him that it might "bring him around" for a short while, but in the end he will resent you for it. :-(

Best thing is to open up the dialogue, let him know how you feel, your concerns and worries and fears, as well as your hopes and dreams. Let him know you love him, and care for him, and listen to him as well. Really listen. Don't just brush his fears or concerns aside anymore than you would want him to do this to you.

Finally, best of luck. It is not an easy road, but you might just find that if it is handled well it brings the two of you even closer together, regardless of where he ends up.

-RM

[daboosh]

i hope everything works out.

[HEthePrimate]

If I might recommend a few resources for you and your husband...

For you:

Faces East Forum, for people who are "devoted to the ideal of eternal marriage, even when a spouse does not accept LDS beliefs."

For both of you: StayLDS for Mormons who have experienced a trial of faith, or know someone who has, and want to help each other stay in the Church.

Your husband may or may not find this one helpful: New Order Mormon, for people who have doubts or don't believe everything, but still want to maintain ties with the Church.

On a more personal note, krcp, DO NOT blame yourself. Mormons have an unfortunate (to my mind) tendency to blame themselves for everything. Even if you didn't pray or read the scriptures as much as you think you ought to, that has little or no bearing whatsoever on your husband's questions. Your husband is probably questioning because he's curious and wants to understand things, and because the answers he's been given in the past are not sufficient. There are things about LDS history and doctrine that many people find challenging, and that's ok. It's also ok to talk about these things and discuss them openly.

It is true that Freemasonry had an influence on the form the temple endowment ceremony took. That is okay! It doesn't mean the temple endowment is "not true." There is a good Mormon Stories podcast about this here: Mormon Stories Episode List. Look for Episode 005 "Masonry and Mormonism — An interview with Greg Kearney, a lifelong, multi-generational Mormon and Master Mason." Kearney is a faithful Latter-day Saint and a Freemason, and he talks about the connections between the temple and Masonry, and thinks of them as a positive thing.

I suggest that the most important thing for you right now is to love your husband. Unless he is treating you badly, I see no reason why you can't have a happy marriage even if he has doubts about the temple or the Church, or doesn't believe certain things. I understand that you fear for your eternal future together, but I have a hard time believing that a loving God would separate a couple who love each other for eternity because one spouse had doubts during this finite mortal life. The fact is, NOBODY on this earth, no mortal person, not even the Prophet, has a perfect understanding of God or the gospel, and in the next life we will all have things to learn. So don't panic. Know that you have loving Heavenly Parents, and that they smile when two of their children love each other enough to stick together even if they have differences of opinion. True religion is not meant to tear families apart, but to bring them together.

I wish you and your husband the very best. Take care, relax, get a babysitter, and go on a date with Hubby. Have some fun together! He's still the same person you married.

HEP

Edited February 14, 2012 by HEthePrimate

[Tcstang54]

I read this post and currently struggling with this with my wife also. She has read many articles about the masons and the similarities with the temple. She is also struggling with plural marriage and how Joseph was engaged in marriage and sex with married women. I must admit that is disturbing.

What is "fair"? A couple people mentioned looking at Fair?