15 year old son seems to show no emotion

[kathysmike]

In June of last year, my Son moved in with us, my wife and myself. Some quick background he had been living with his Mom, Her Parents. The grandmother passed away in Feb 2010, she was the leader of the family. Grandfather remarried a year latter. My ex is physically disabled and very dependant on others making her decsions for her, constantly needs to get an experts opinion.

My main concern is my son Bruce, he expresses very little emotion, when we raise our voices to him he shuts right down. A perfect example was this week he lost his binder for his History class, when I dropped him off this morning I instructed him to check the resource teacher,s office and the regular class room, he was unable find it. This afternoon he was shocked when we sent him back into the school to check the lost and found. We stopped and used his money to replace the folder. He was asked what his plan was to catch up the six weeks of notes he has lost, Bruce did say he would borrow a folder from a friend and catch up the 6 weeks of notes. Later this evening we talked about how he needs to approach his teacher, present the problem of having lost 6 weeks of work, and then present his solution.

Bruce is also going to approach his physics teacher, and ask for help in developing testing skills, as bruce can score 100% to 80% on regular assignment, but tank on his quizes and tests.

We have tried to stress the importance of education and doing your best. We have stressed the importance of Bruce being the one to initate the outreach for help. In the past the outreach for help was always initated from his Mom, which resulted in embaressing Bruce and forcing resinment, and ultimitly no work being completed.

It is our hope that by putting the onus of asking for help on our Son will inspier him to complete the tasks he needs to reach the goals for the day.

Just looking for someoutside input (this is his freshman year in High School)

[Dravin]

My main concern is my son Bruce, he expresses very little emotion, when we raise our voices to him he shuts right down.

Shutting down when being yelled at is pretty much an emotional response. Not everyone responds to such by raising their voice back.

[IamMe]

A few things come to mind for me, I have 10 kids, but my experience in teens is somewhat limited.

As the poster above mentioned, it could be the yelling that's an issue. My hubby has a habit of raising his voice with the children, and they'll often shut down in reaction. Personally, I find it goes a lot further to actually lower my voice when disciplining. By me remaining calm and trying to speak more matter of factly, they need to try harder to actually listen to the words I'm saying. I know with my tween daughter, she's even pointed out to the others that the calmer I appear, the more trouble they're in.

Secondly, you mention that in the past, his mother has dealt with things in a most embarrassing way for your son. Public image is everything to teens. I would assume he may also be afraid that you will do the same to him. At 15, I wonder WHY his mother was handling everything for him? I would expect at that age, it would be more about guiding him to do it himself (and following up) rather than jumping in and doing it for him.

What is his relationship now like with his mother? Are they still able to maintain one? He's lost his grand mother, who you say was a major person in his life, he's now in a sense lost his mother as well, and I assume there was also a grand father involved since you used plural in parents. He's lost a lot for a 15 year old boy. Have you considered counselling? I don't know what you're relationship is like with his mother, but I would also encourage you to do everything in your power to help him in maintaining some sort of relationship with her.

One thing we stress in teaching our children is "choices and consequences" They have a choice to make, be it a wise one or a poor one... they do not however, have any say in the consequence to their choice.

[kathysmike]

At this time Bruce, just tolerates being with his Mom, he has expressed the only reason he wants to go visit her is so he can see his friends. He has no respect for her at all, he has shared with us that while his Grandmother was alive, grandma did all the parenting mom would defer all decsions to her. As far Mom taking care of or doing everything she was doing exactly as she was taught step in and never let your child fail at anything never allow them to have hurt feelings.

As I look back I saw all these things going on but felt helples in changing anything. The change in custody took place after she started having problems waking him up for school. I would get calls at 6:30am asking to come get him out of bed, mind you it is a 45 minute trip between our homes. I had Bruce stay with me for 3 weeks I took him to and from school each day, never had trouble waking him. I told Bruce my home was open if he wanted to come stay. Shortly after he went home his Mom asked that I let him come live here after school let out. We made arrangements for him to move in here in July. I got a call at the end end of May, his Mom asked (told)me that he would be moving in on June 17 the last day of school. This led to some real issuses for Bruce as he had no time to adjust and say good-bye to his friends. I do have him attending a group therapy, not sure how much help it has been, he is set for 1on1 to start in March.

One perfect example of the relationship with his Mom she called him last night never asked how his day was but wanted know know if he wanted to attend a "Glayds Kinght" Fireside in March, he told he would talk to her when he saw her, the call lasted about 3 minutes. He will not hear from her until she picks him up on the 9th. We try to encourge the relationship but it seems to go no where.

My main concern right now is Bruce shows little to no emotion about anything, when things go well or bad he seems flat no outward response. He will and does show affection to our dog, but will genrally appears to express very little emotion. There is alot banter and teasing between him and his step-mom, he is very willing to do little things around the house to please us. If I could only find a way to crack this emotional barrier he has built up.

[rameumptom]

I suggest you don't thrust a ton of stuff on him all at once. He isn't used to it. You don't expect a 10 year old to drive perfectly. But with some training and time, he can learn.

Kids shut down when they feel anxious. If you are putting demands on him that are too great, then back off just a little and help him enough for him to gain confidence in himself. Then you can let him have more responsibility, as he is ready to use it. Shouting at him when he has been raised in a different manner will only make things worse. Encourage him to determine a solution, and you help him come up with alternatives. Then ask him how much is he able to do, and how much he needs assistance from you. If you make the demands, then he really isn't thinking for himself. Give him a voice in how things are actually done, rather than thrust responsibility upon him without the power to do it for himself.

[applepansy]

In my experience shutting down in children and teens is the result of a trust issue. Teens are especially adept at shutting down to hide their feelings. He doesn't want you to know how he's feeling. Asking him will not help. If he tells you anything it will only be what he thinks you want to hear.

My suggestion: Tread lightly but firmly. Paradox? not really. If you can be unwavering in your expectations and kind with the discipline he will eventually trust you. Be prepared to be tested when he starts to trust. Even years after you think you've resolved the issues, kids will test you again.

Also... fasting, prayer, father's blessing, get his name on the prayer roll. My oldest son's name was on the prayer roll almost constantly from age 12 to age 21. It works!

[NeuroTypical]

If I could only find a way to crack this emotional barrier he has built up.

I would advise you carefully consider the reasons you want to do this, and how you'll react should you get what you want.

It's possible that he's got a big wall up around you, because he does not see you as a positive or helpful force in his life. What with all the raised voices, and coming down hard because of lost binders, and micromanaging him, and not being able to stay married so he has to uproot his life and move to where you and your new wife live.

(I'm just guessing at his deal, but yeah, agreeing with applepansy here.)

[kathysmike]

My son has never known his parents to be married I won't go into it other than to say that his mother left when he was a week old.

I do not micromanage his life, he is simply expected to keep his grades up, including doing his homework, this is the first year he has not had three or four outsiders siting on top of him forcing him to do the homework, we discovered he will and do his homework and do much better if he is left alone to do it. Our main concern about his schooling is the fact he performs poorly on tests, we are looking into different avenues to approach this issue.

One of the sad things we see is that Bruce refuses to attend church with his Mom, he won't tell me why other than to say she opened her big mouth and now the members in the ward "hassle" me. She has never pushed the idea after the first visit when she called me and expected me to force him to go, I suggested she bring him to our ward building on Sunday Mornings. We have just now gotten him to attend the Young Men's activties, we never pushed just suggested, Bruce comes home in a good mood each week.

We have made progress with him but maybe just not as fast as I had wanted.

I appreciate the input and advice.

[Gwen]

I think others are giving you some good advise so I'll keep my comment to a side note..... Do everything you can to encourage him to attend the Gladys Knight fireside with his mom. I've been to one and it is amazing. If I ever get another chance to attend one I will bring all the kids I can with me (I think they put an age limit on it last time).

[NeuroTypical]

I see you correcting me. Again, the point I'm trying to get across, is that if your son predicts you will correct him, then it makes perfect sense to have a wall up around you. You don't share personal feelings with people who will tell you why you're wrong to feel that way.

I restate my original advice:

If I could only find a way to crack this emotional barrier he has built up.

I would advise you carefully consider the reasons you want to do this, and how you'll react should you get what you want.

[lizzy16]

When my parents screamed at me it was a varied response. If she was screaming at me and I felt i was in the right I'd shout back or go away from her depending on how upset she was. Whether that meant getting out of the car and walking home or leaving the living room.

If she was screaming to me/raising her voice about something I knew she was right about/if she was crying or concerned about me. I'd be quiet and just let her carry on and lecture.

The most effective talks I've had with my parents we opened with a prayer first. My mom would sit me down, she'd open with a prayer. and instead of screaming at me she'd talk about God ect. What a guilt trip those talks were.

Anyways, I think a parents prayer is one of the most amazing things in the world. Pray for him :)