When do you feel better?

[kimzirker]

I'm looking for thoughts, ideas, personal experiences from peope who have to tried work out their marriages after their spouse had an emotional affair. How long until you feel better? How can you start to feel better? What can I do to start to feel anything for him again? Brief history is my husband has been diagnosed with NPD, cheated on me with numerous women for two years (online, but very, very sexual relationships), I found out 8 months ago, he cut off all contacts in January, and we are going to therapy and he's going to sex addicts meetings. It's been a long, horribly painful experience and I have tried to be very prayerful. I feel like if he's wholeheartedly willing to seek repentance then I am willing to stay in the marriage. I fully believe in the atonement and its application to him and to me. Trouble is... I'm so broken. I feel nothing for him at all. Don't get me wrong. We are acting very normal. We have 5 kids and they are all ok. I'm not wandering around the house in sobbing despair. Everything is business as usual, except, of course, for intimacy. I just don't know how to feel normal on the inside again. I know there's no standard time, just looking for some stories or thoughts to hold on to while I try to work through all this.

[Bini]

That's wonderful that you BOTH have decided to work through this AND are taking the necessary steps in rebuilding your marriage. I have been in your shoes but my exhusband was not willing to make any adjustments and I finally left him. So I can't directly relate to a situation where the cheater wants to repent and is repenting. Good for him! But I will add this.. If I cheated on my husband (emotionally or physically), the damage will have been done, regardless of whether I proceed in the process of repentance. I will have hurt my husband and lost his trust, and who knows for how long that would be. BUT I know that if I am sincerely working to make things right, for myself and our marriage, that he'd be there right by my side. I'm not sure how soon we'd be intimate again (on an emotional and physical level) after I'd committed an affair with other men. It could be a good long while. The disconnect is a consequence to my actions of betrayal. But I know that through prayer, diligence and faith in the Lord, anything and everything broken can be mended again. In short, don't beat yourself up. It's absolutely possible to rekindle that flame that burnt un-wavered before. The distance you're feeling now is normal and with time that distance will shorten.

[Guest]

I don't know that I would have the strength that you're already showing. I suppose it's just one foot in front of the other, and lots of time praying. Good luck to you.

[karlaa]

well, that's a good question indeed and my answer to it is 'when praying'.. i guess that most of you would say that.. right? karla

[FunkyTown]

I have a question: I've heard this before and have to ask -

What's an 'Emotional Affair'?

[kimzirker]

Well, to me the term emotional affair refers to an affair that doesn't include actual physical intimacy. In my husband's case, he never actually met anyone in person. He chatted, texted, called, skyped, emailed, etc. He had sexually intimate conversations, sent and received explicit pictures, told other girls he loved them. (None of them knew he was married, had 5 kids, or that he was 40 years old) An emotional affair involves all the regular affair stuff but none of the physical contact goodies. However, it doesn't seem to feel much different to me. The emotional withdrawl has been devastating to me and to our family. Knowing that he shared things freely with other women that I view as special and sacred and saved only for him, has been very difficult. He's working on getting back, but it's still very painful. It can be argued that emotional affairs are what lead to physical affairs. In my husband's case, I doubt he would have actually ever met anyone, but his betrayal to me is very real. I think that it would be easier to get over a one time insane sexual encounter. I hope that explains it better for you.

[RescueMom]

In my opinion an emotional affair can be far more damaging to a marriage than a one time opps. Emotional affairs are not just about sex, like a one night stand, there are real intimate emotions involved that are far more binding than the act of sex. That is why they are so devastating, and hard to heal from. It's the emotional affairs that tend to end the marriage, because the spouse is in love with someone else too...it's not just a romp in the hay and they don't have emotional ties to the person. It's more than just bodily fluids that get exchanged in emotional affairs. I think the betrayal is far more real in an emotional affair, because the spouse is sharing their mind, spirit and emotions with someone they have no promise too.

I've lived through both...and one is far easier heal from than the other.

I do wish you happiness and peace Deniallady ((((hugs))))

[Still_Small_Voice]

I think a physical affair is far worst than an emotional affair in my opinion. Knowing that another man had been with my wife physically would be harder to endure than emotional. An emotional affair would disgust and really bother me, but not as much as physical adultery.

[kimzirker]

I suppose it is probably different for each person. For me, the emotional intimacy of my relationship with my husband far supersedes the physical. He did not have a physical affair, so I can't really speak from experience. I can only say that the pain I feel and the turmoil it has caused to our family is very real and very deep. I honestly don't know if we will be able to get over it.

[clevermoniker]

It's going to definitely be different for everyone. In my opinion, the emotional part of your marriage, the connection that the two of you have, should be of far more importance than the physical part of your marriage. I guess it all depends on how you look at it and where you put your priorities.

Bottom Line: Both are disgusting, and in an ideal world none of us would ever have to deal with it. The pain caused by both of them is just as real.

[shine7]

You and your husband are amazing!! To want to rebuild is a rare thing and a treasure. Perhaps one of your concerns is feeling loved? Has this been addressed in your counseling sessions? You feeling truly loved was most likely broken into bits with what he did. I like that you are willing to stay in the marriage if he is willing to repent and change.....that takes great courage.

I also stayed when my husband asked me to, though our reasons were not the same as yours. Infact, my bishop did not want me to stay. In counseling, I faced a lot of hurt that had never been faced/fixed that was from my past. And in counseling, my husband faced post traumatic syndrome from his work that had never been addressed, so it had grown out of control. The end result, which took a long time: we are deeper in love than ever. Our home became a haven of peace. We gained skills of communication and developed great respect for each other. The mutual respect brought back not only intimacy, but an improved intimacy and tenderest of love.

[tiseveningtide]

I truly am sorry you are having a hard time. I really do understand some of what you are enduring. I can tell you patience is huge. The Lord will heal your heart. This I know but you have to really be willing to do what ever he asks of you. Journal everything good and bad. Start walking to get the fresh air to help clear your head and listen for that still small voice and allow the Lord to guide and direct you in all that you do. The more you follow those promptings, the more they will come, and by giving you will to the Lord he can give you his grace to heal you. Once you make that choice to give it to him. His strengths comes. When thoughts that are not good come ask Heavenly Father to take them from you.

[Guest leejason86]

Good day! In a marriage life we can't avoid to encounter problems. Problems are test of how strong our relationship is? It is our hand of how we handle and face it. But the best we can do is trust and pray God to become strong in our relationship.

Best Regards,

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[kimzirker]

Thank you all for your kind comments. It's been a hard struggle. I can't begin to explain how much I want to do the right thing--for me, for the kids, for my husband, for the family. It really helps to have another place to come for support and advice.

[Hie_to_Kolob]

I think a physical affair is far worst than an emotional affair in my opinion. Knowing that another man had been with my wife physically would be harder to endure than emotional. An emotional affair would disgust and really bother me, but not as much as physical adultery.

Totally disagree. As a man, I know physical relations are usually high on the priority list, however, having been through this, the emotional affair is far worse. That's the person I love that's being hurt, not just the tabernacle she's clothed with.

[Vort]

Totally disagree. As a man, I know physical relations are usually high on the priority list, however, having been through this, the emotional affair is far worse. That's the person I love that's being hurt, not just the tabernacle she's clothed with.

Totally disagree with your disagreement. I do not pretend to have any deep insight into the issue, and thankfully no direct experience. But adultery is an act performed with your genitals. To consider emotional infidelity to be on par with, or even worse than, actually inserting tab A into slot B is amazing to me.

[Leah]

Totally disagree with your disagreement. I do not pretend to have any deep insight into the issue, and thankfully no direct experience. But adultery is an act performed with your genitals. To consider emotional infidelity to be on par with, or even worse than, actually inserting tab A into slot B is amazing to me.

I have to suggest that you get over your amazement.

Emotional affairs are hugely damaging to marriages. They can be just as damaging as a physical affair can be without actually becoming physical. Often, the tie to the other person runs far deeper than when a person is having a physical affair. An emotional attachment can be far harder to break than a physical one.

I am sure someone else can explain it better than I, but the pain and damage from an emotional affair is devastating. There's a reason the Church offers guidelines regarding married people and friendships with the opposite sex....and it extends to protecting against emotional affairs as well as physical ones.

[Vort]

I have to suggest that you get over your amazement.

Emotional affairs are hugely damaging to marriages. They can be just as damaging as a physical affair can be without actually becoming physical.

I never even hinted that emotional affairs were not damaging. I can believe that, in some cases, they might even be as damaging as sexual affairs. But I do not believe they generally are as damaging as (or more damaging than) sexual affairs.

Often, the tie to the other person runs far deeper than when a person is having a physical affair.

I disbelieve this, and am unlikely to change my opinion based on the insistence of some person or persons on the internet. Do you have any evidence beyond your word that the tie in emotional affairs "often...runs far deeper" than that in sexual affairs? This might be true in some cases, especially comparing emotional affairs with sexual affairs that are based primarily on lust and convenience. But I doubt that describes most sexual affairs. And for men, at least, the very act of sex is an intense bonding experience that creates those emotional ties.

There's a reason the Church offers guidelines regarding married people and friendships with the opposite sex....and it extends to protecting against emotional affairs as well as physical ones.

I have never heard of a man being excommunicated for an "emotional affair". Given the choice between a husband who gets overly chummy with a female coworker and inappropriately discloses private matters to her and one who takes a female coworker to a motel and shares a room with her for a couple of hours, I have difficulty imagining any Church leader who would point to the latter case and say, "That one is preferable." And frankly, I would be shocked to find very many wives who would say so.

[kimzirker]

Vort - the purpose of posting on these sites is to be helpful to the poster. Perhaps in your need to be right, you have overlooked one detail. You have no idea what you are talking about. I have been living in absolute **** since discovering my husband's emotional affairs. It's the hardest, most painful thing I've ever had to face. And I have things to compare it to being a victim of childhood sexual abuse. Your gross over-simplification of an emotional affair being equivalent to a spouse becoming too chummy to a co-worker could not be farther off base and is actually highly offensive. No one wishes to change your mind here. Believe what you want, but this thread is for help on moving on from the immense pain caused by my husbands betrayal of our temple covenants and marriage vows. He may not be have been excommunicated for his actions but he did have to turn in his temple recommend while he works through the process of repentance. I can assure you that our bishop said his actions were grounds for disfellowshipping and may be serious enough for excommunication. Maybe you should educated yourself so that you can make more helpful, informed posts on these types of threads.

[Vort]

Not sure what you want, deniallady. I am very sorry for your pain. I am very sorry for the betrayals you have experienced. But I do not believe that sexual infidelity is somehow less awful than "emotional infidelity". My experiences do differ from yours, it is true, but that does not make them wrong. I do indeed have some idea what I'm talking about -- even if my opinions do not agree with yours.

The purpose of posting on these sites is to share one's opinion and viewpoint, consider the opinions and viewpoints of others, and discuss them -- hence the term "discussion list". Nevertheless, since you are obviously bothered and offended by my contributions to "your" thread, I will bow out of it.

[kimzirker]

As a point of clarification, I'm not saying sexual affairs are less awful than emptional ones. I'm saying both bad. Both horrible. Both immensely painful. I can only speak for what I'm going through and it's not great. Just as a point of reference, I would never tell a victim of childhood sexual abuse that just because it only happened to them once or because there wasn't actual penetration that their experience was any less awful than mine. Both bad. Both scarring. That's what we are talking about here. Two very bad, devastating acts. There needs not to be a debate on which is worse.

[Leah]

I never even hinted that emotional affairs were not damaging. I can believe that, in some cases, they might even be as damaging as sexual affairs. But I do not believe they generally are as damaging as (or more damaging than) sexual affairs.

I disbelieve this, and am unlikely to change my opinion based on the insistence of some person or persons on the internet. Do you have any evidence beyond your word that the tie in emotional affairs "often...runs far deeper" than that in sexual affairs? This might be true in some cases, especially comparing emotional affairs with sexual affairs that are based primarily on lust and convenience. But I doubt that describes most sexual affairs. And for men, at least, the very act of sex is an intense bonding experience that creates those emotional ties.

I have never heard of a man being excommunicated for an "emotional affair". Given the choice between a husband who gets overly chummy with a female coworker and inappropriately discloses private matters to her and one who takes a female coworker to a motel and shares a room with her for a couple of hours, I have difficulty imagining any Church leader who would point to the latter case and say, "That one is preferable." And frankly, I would be shocked to find very many wives who would say so.

Vort, it is clear that you have your mind made up on this subject and no one's words - be they of personal experience, data, studies....whatever......will dissuade you from your pre-set opinion. I suggested you open your mind to the possibility. You clearly do not want to do that. Your words clearly reveal that your opinion does not care to be bothered with the experiences of other people or the observations of experts. Your statement about "the very act of sex is an intense bonding experience that creates those emotional ties" is not true for everyone. I have no doubt that is true for YOU...the type of worthy priesthood-holder that you are. And it is what sex SHOULD be. But for MANY men (and plenty of women, too!) , sex is "just" sex and is no more of an "intense bonding experience" than is going bowling together. They can have sex and walk away and not give that person another thought. People who engage in sex under the appropriate circumstances as taught by the Church DO find it the bonding experience that you describe. But for a large percentage of people in today's society.....sex is just something fun to do - no emotional attachment needed.

There ARE women who would prefer - if cheating is going to happen - that their husband engage in a purely physical affair than an emotional one. An affair that is purely physical will not last..and often any body will do...just as any purely physical relationship between two single people will not last. But when you allow your heart instead of just your genitals to become attached to someone else.....that is harder to overcome.

God forbid it would ever happen, but believe me, if your wife ever developed that kind of emotional attachment to someone else, you would understand exactly what I am talking about.

[Leah]

As a point of clarification, I'm not saying sexual affairs are less awful than emptional ones. I'm saying both bad. Both horrible. Both immensely painful. I can only speak for what I'm going through and it's not great. Just as a point of reference, I would never tell a victim of childhood sexual abuse that just because it only happened to them once or because there wasn't actual penetration that their experience was any less awful than mine. Both bad. Both scarring. That's what we are talking about here. Two very bad, devastating acts. There needs not to be a debate on which is worse.

Exactly.

Just as there are also those who think that verbal abuse is not "really" abuse, nor that it is damaging. That as long as - for example - the husband is not hitting the wife, there is really no abuse happening.

[findthehappiness]

You and your husband are amazing!! To want to rebuild is a rare thing and a treasure. Perhaps one of your concerns is feeling loved? Has this been addressed in your counseling sessions? You feeling truly loved was most likely broken into bits with what he did. I like that you are willing to stay in the marriage if he is willing to repent and change.....that takes great courage.

I also stayed when my husband asked me to, though our reasons were not the same as yours. Infact, my bishop did not want me to stay. In counseling, I faced a lot of hurt that had never been faced/fixed that was from my past. And in counseling, my husband faced post traumatic syndrome from his work that had never been addressed, so it had grown out of control. The end result, which took a long time: we are deeper in love than ever. Our home became a haven of peace. We gained skills of communication and developed great respect for each other. The mutual respect brought back not only intimacy, but an improved intimacy and tenderest of love.

This is amazing, and gives me great hope in my current situation.

[ALLBEEF]

Sorry for your heartache.....just keep praying...maybe try doing some of the thhings you use to do before getting married. Go bowling, watch movies, spend alot of time together...maybe a weekend off with just the two of you......I don't think trying to pretend is the way to go tho.