Discussing past transgressions with potential spouse

[guast]

But would it be Christ-like to say, "Oh, well you may have repented of that, but that's not good enough for me."

I'm going to echo what others are kind of saying but say it a little bit differently: you statement completely misstates the issue. Of course it isn't Christ-like to say you may have repented but that's not good enough for me... but that really has nothing to do with the issue being discussed in this thread. This issue is more whether a person's past will affect the marriage NOT whether the person has or hasn't repented of the past (which may be another issue if the person hasn't repented).

After my dad left my mom she refused to date any man who had left his wife or cheated on his wife. It had NOTHING to do with whether he'd repented; it was about what she could handle in a second relationship after what she'd been through (and any suggestion that there is any sort of requirement that a person simply overlook anything that he/she feels would be abrasive towards having a good marriage just because the other person repented or that refusing to marry someone because of his/her past is somehow reflective on the quality of repentance is absurd!).

A divorced woman with young children may chose to refuse to date a person who has struggled with child porn in his past but has repented. There's nothing wrong with that and whether he has repented doesn't mean she has to feel differently. Or someone being unwilling to marry another person because of struggles with homosexuality even if that person has never acted on that desire (and therefore never sinned as far as acting on thoughts goes). Nothing wrong with any of that and it has nothing to do with repentance.

Back to the OP's question - the issue around what you should tell her really has nothing to do with what posters on this thread (sorry everyone else) think you should tell her; the question is what does SHE want to know. If you want her to know tell her you've made mistakes in the past and you've repented. Then the ball is in her court. Some people want to know more, others don't. But collecting a majority on opinion here on the internet doesn't address the question of what does she want to know. Let her ask the questions and then be completely honest to her questions. Being honest with her is much more important that being honest on the internet.

[NadiaStar]

I say bring up the topic. You don't have to spill everything, but bring it up casually ask her thoughts on "knowing everything" about another person. I can see both sides to this, and I say it's up to you and her.

[carlimac]

Here's a situation I heard about today. A young woman who was conceived out of wedlock and then given up for adoption decided to find her birth parents. Her birth mother didn't want anything to do with her. The young woman was alright with that. The birth father on the other hand wanted to respond to the girl and let her know he had been praying for her and hoping she'd had a good life. He has been exchanging emails with her. He parted ways with the birth mother and never married her. Some 25(ish) years later he is now a bishop, married to someone else. Only problem is that he never told his wife about the baby he'd fathered before they were married and he's still trying to keep it secret. The girl doesn't like that he's keeping her a secret- almost like she's having an "affair" of sorts (not physical of course) with a married man- her biological father! She feels like SHE has no reason to keep herself secret and if his wife finds out, it's HIS problem. AWKWARD!!

I just think that cleaning skeletons out of the closet is a good idea. They'll always come back to haunt you. It has nothing to do with repentance. It doesn't invalidate the repentance at all. It does have everything to do with honesty, full disclosure and trust.

Edited March 21, 2012 by carlimac

[guast]

Here's a situation I heard about today. A young woman who was conceived out of wedlock and then given up for adoption decided to find her birth parents. Her birth mother didn't want anything to do with her. The young woman was alright with that. The birth father on the other hand wanted to respond to the girl and let her know he had been praying for her and hoping she'd had a good life. He has been exchanging emails with her. He parted ways with the birth mother and never married her. Some 25(ish) years later he is now a bishop, married to someone else. Only problem is that he never told his wife about the baby he'd fathered before they were married and he's still trying to keep it secret. The girl doesn't like that he's keeping her a secret- almost like she's having an "affair" of sorts (not physical of course) with a married man- her biological father! She feels like SHE has no reason to keep herself secret and if his wife finds out, it's HIS problem. AWKWARD!!

I just think that cleaning skeletons out of the closet is a good idea. They'll always come back to haunt you. It has nothing to do with repentance. It doesn't invalidate the repentance at all. It does have everything to do with honesty, full disclosure and trust.

I think there are some categories of things a person should ALWAYS share with a potential spouse. STD's, children out-of-wedlock, incarceration for homicide, yup I think all of this things fall under the mandatory disclosures up front so that it isn't an issue down the road.

[sgp375]

Of bonanzafan!!!! I love you! I have just gone through the same experience!!!

The wonderful thing about the Atonement is it puts all your sins in the past and the Lord "remembers them no more." And you know that.

Have you forgiven yourself though?

You have repented, and your past does not make you are any less worthy/entitled to love and a happy beautiful relationship with a nice lady. If this woman truly loves you, she will be understanding and she will not care that you have a past. She will not see you differently. She will love you just the same.

You have repented and you have developed a very deep relationship with the Savior and a very personal understanding of the Atonement. You want to marry someone who shares this same understanding of the power of the Atonement.

I don't care what other people tell you. I will tell you that you do not need to give details at all. You can just tell her that at one point in your life, you made mistakes and went through the repentance process.

You don't need to tell her what you did, how many times, who it was with, etc. That doesn't matter. This can actually be an opportunity for you guys to grow closer. You can share with her how you have developed a strong testimony of the Atonement.

here is a quote from a gc talk:

As with other failures, once we have repented of a sin, we should not dwell on it. The comparison has been made between a sin and a wound. Suppose that after a wound has been bandaged, we were to repeatedly take off the bandage to examine the wound, each time tearing it open again. Would this not be foolish? Yet this is what we sometimes do with our sins. How much better it would be to put the bandage on the wound and forget it until it heals. Likewise, once we have repented of a sin, let us follow Paul’s advice: forget it and look to the future. No matter what our past is like, our future is spotless.

The woman who loves you will understand this, too. ^

Forgetting Those Things Which Are Behind - Ensign Sept. 1972 - ensign

Pray about it. Pray for her to be understanding. You can even ask your bishy for advice.

--- And if you want to know what happened when I told my boyfriend about my past, let me know. I cried and was sooo scared to tell him. But it ended up bringing us so close.

[mhsmd]

How do you know that she has no past indiscretions? Has she told you that she's perfect? Just wondering. But I'm really here to tell you about how I told the man who became my husband. Before he asked my on our first date, I felt that I had to let him know about certain past indiscretions. He was actually relieved, because he was able to tell me his as well! It really opened a door for being honest and supportive of each other during our relationship. Just let her know that you've repented of it, but you want her to know so that she knows to be more careful about certain boundaries with you. That's what I did. :)

[Timpman]

I think you need to disclose a serious transgression to her. If she thinks she's superior to the Lord and won't forgive you, then you will know she's not a potential spouse. The Lord forgets our sins, but we do not forget our sins. It's nearly impossible. We need to remember our mistakes so we don't repeat them.

I told my finance that I wasn't a virgin and she just shrugged. She knew me well and knew that I had repented.

[olytitan]

This is what the engagement time is for...or if you are getting to that point then this is the time to tell more than you would someone you date a few times. I made mistakes too. My husband had as well, but in different ways. I told him I wasn't a virgin. He wanted more details. That part is not always helpful. Too many details are not necessarily helpful and can be hurtful. My husand didn't have the greatest self-esteem from his upbringing and there were some details he would ask about that would just be too hard for him. I didn't deny what I did, but I didn't need to drag out the full blown history of the past with every detail either. Honestly I had to try to go by the spirit and what I felt would be honest and helpful without causing unnecessary pain for things that really wouldn't make a difference for him to know. We did however go to the doctor have some testing to check for things to make sure there were no health problems that would concern us as a couple once we were married. We did that together.

[gmaxx0071]

Good Luck ... I think both options are bad =[