I feel like my marriage is falling apart :(

[zuko725]

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Edited March 21, 2012 by zuko725

[Guest]

Sorry to hear you are still struggling zuko... Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and feel the good vibes I'm trying to send you...

I'm wondering though, I'm fairly certain the military covers family counselling. You're under Tricare, right? Military OneSource covers at least 8 counselling sessions for free, and you can get more if you get a referral.

Counselling can really help you. As a military dependent, you can make the appointment yourself. Bring it up to him and see if he'll be okay to taking the sessions with you. If not, just go by yourself.

Hope things get better. You really can't change your husband (or stop him from changing), you can only change how you react to it. Your problem is too deep seated that everything that irritates you is not the problem. The problem is deep inside, you just lost that loving feeling and you need to find it again. It's a vicious subliminal cycle. He is having a very difficult time dealing with your changes (the changes you went through is only good in your point of view - it doesn't necessarily mean he agrees). You changed the dance steps and so now he doesn't know how to deal with that so he created his own dance. You just need to find the same music again. You can't solve this problem by solving every piddly bit of something that irritates you - Germany, drinking, sex - because, those are only manifestations of the real problem... and that's dealing with CHANGE.

A marriage doesn't stay stagnant. It changes, morphs, grows. A happy marriage results when both parties lay down their natural self-preservation tendencies and can decide as one unit what the boundaries are - to know how far they can change without breaking the unit. This means that both parties have to be cognizant of the other - Not only to realize that growth/maturity requires change and we need to be able to relax the boundaries a bit to allow positive growth but also to realize when the other party is having trouble with the change and to be able to slow down and be patient for the other party to adjust to it. This requires a strong bond - stronger than epoxy glue - and the ultimate Charity, to love somebody without condition.

Seek counselling. Don't let anything stop you from getting it. Find a way. And don't forget to Pray.

[JudoMinja]

It sounds like you need to have a sit down with your husband. I think he resents the fact that you changed into a woman who is different from who he fell in love with. This change in his drinking habits and preferences, to me, sounds like a reaction- He knows you disapprove of his drinking and that it is a change you don't like. I think he is being passive aggressive and trying to give you a taste of what he is feeling, so that you will either revert back to your old ways or be forced to accept his change the way he's "accepted" yours.

He may be doing this consciously or subconsciously, but I really think that is what is going on. He wants his "old wife" back. He may have agreed to be tolerant of you going back to church and said he is okay with it, but from his behavior here and what you've explained in other posts, I don't really think he is okay with it. He didn't want a "Christian wife" and now that's what you are.

Sit down with your husband when you are in a setting where you can both comfortably talk to one another. Let him know that your faith is very important to you and you are not going to reject it. Explain how you were struggling spiritually when you met him and that you have now "found" the peace and joy you were looking for in the church. Lay out exactly what he should expect from you as far as church involvement goes, and ask him what he thinks is too much. This is very important. Few non-members realize just how much church can become a part of our lives- how much time it takes up when we really get involved. It can be a real doozy, and he may feel like he's not getting any of your time or attention anymore. So- see if you can reach a compromise. Don't let go of any church involvement you are absolutely unwilling to sacrifice, but also try not to do too much "extra" if it really isn't necessary. Set aside "family" time for just you and him that you won't allow to be interrupted by church activities.

If he is receptive to this, you can then talk about his drinking and how it bothers you. Let him know that you feel there may be a possible connection to his new drinking habits and your new involvement in church- that he is reacting to your change by making a change in the opposite direction. I would express to him that just as much as you are not willing to let go of your faith in the church, you are also not willing to let go of him. Explain that just as you are willing to compromise how much church pulls you away from and hope he can be accepting of your change, you would like him to compromise how much his change pulls away from your relationship and that you will do your best to be accepting of his change.

Reiterate that you are not going to change back into his "old wife", no matter what he does. He needs to either accept this and work on supporting you and strengthening your relationship, or he needs to move on. Don't use the word divorce. If your marriage is going to fall apart, it needs to be because he no longer wants to work on it, he no longer feels committed to you, and he wants to part ways. As part of your faith, you know that divorce is a terrible thing- that the church holds marriage to be so very sacred. Only if your marriage is absolutely irrepairable should this even become a consideration, and I think your marriage is still salvagable- as long as your husband can be willing to communicate openly, be more accepting of your change, and make compromises with you about the directions you are both going.

Express to him just how important and sacred you consider marriage and the family, and tell him that you will not leave him for your faith, that it is because of your new-found devotion to your faith that you want so deeply and desperately to keep your marriage together. I think he may subconsciously fear that this will happen, and his change is a way to drive it to that point. If it is going to end, it is going to be his decision. Not yours. But if he is truly committed to your marriage, then he needs to act on that commitment by bringing forth "good fruits" and doing something to strengthen your relationship- and you will do the same.

If you can have this talk with your husband and you express all these thoughts and feelings, I believe you will see results one way or the other. I hope and pray that the results will be an increased desire in your husband to strengthen his relationship with you. Continue to serve him. Continue to love him. Continue to exercise patience. Continue to work on your end to do things that will make your relationship with him stronger. Do not compromise your standards. Do not give up your faith. Do compromise your time commitments to the church, if necessary- because your marriage/relationship should come before such commitments.

Your relationship with God comes first.

Your relationship with your husband comes second.

Your relationship with others- church members, friends, extended family, etc. all comes after.

Edited March 20, 2012 by JudoMinja

[Vort]

As some of you may have read on here before, my husband went to Germany last month for Annual Training with the reserves. Before my husband left the only beer he would drink was Bud Light. He openly admitted that he doesn't like the taste of beer and especially hates dark beer. He ordered a dark beer at dinner last year and when he took a drink of it he looked like he was going to puke and then sent it back with the waitress. He told me the only reason he drank beer at all, was because he liked the relaxing feeling it gave him (he very very rarely ever drinks more than one beer when we go somewhere) But ever since he's been back from Germany he's been different.

First of all, he has been acting like a hot shot ever since he's been back and won't stop talking about Germany and how much everything there is better than it is here (He even went so far as to say that the water tasted better over there... yes, he really said that). But he now acts like he's some beer expert and like he can't get enough of the stuff. Every single beer he has ordered since he's been back has been some kind of exotic dark beer.. stuff he HATED before he left. Also, he wont drink from a bottle anymore either. Apparently in Germany they drink beer from glasses and drinking from a bottle is "too weird" to him now. (He was only in Germany for 3 weeks and he didn't get a whole lot of down time to go out.. that hardly seems like enough time to aqcuire a taste for something you once hated and to find drinking beer from bottles weird). Also, when he gets his beer and he goes to poor it in a glass, he does this weird stirring thing with it, will pour half the beer into the glass, look into the bottle at the remaining beer (I have no idea what he thinks he's looking for) and then pours the rest in. Then he will take a huge gulp of it and announce to everyone at the table that it was delicious. Then he will drink the rest of it in about three more big gulps.

My amateur diagnosis is that your husband is suffering from exoticitis, a very common disease that afflicts mainly young people who travel abroad. In the exotic lands to which they travel, everything is better. Colors are more vibrant. Food tastes better. People are more authentic, and the way they do things is better. For example, a young man who visits Paris and then returns complaining about the appalling lack of pissoirs in the streets, laughing at the silly prudishness of his hometown companions that might take exception to pee-spots for men in the open street, is suffering from exoticitis. Sometimes the only cure to exoticitis is to ride it out until the poor victim finally extracts his cranium from his nether regions.

The other side of exoticitis is provicialitis (aka nativitis), where the young traveler sees only a bunch of unwashed, smelly, short people who talk funny and eat weird-tasting food. Of the two, provicialitis is more to be pitied, while exoticitis is by far the more annoying (to everyone else -- the victim rather enjoys his new state). Surprisingly few people are able to negotiate the in-between region, avoiding both exoticitis and provincialitis. It's almost unavoidable, like diarrhea or pictures at tourist traps.

[Guest]

Vort, excellent diagnosis!

I'll add to that repertoir... the immigrantitis... very common in Filipinos. Where they immigrate to another country and think everything they grew up with is far superior to the new country, so they refuse to take a shower in favor of the tabo and only speak Pilipino and go to the church building with the most Filipinos and only buy a car from the Filipino car salesman...

Of course, there's the balikbayanitis (I don't know what they're called in English)... also common in Filipinos. Where they immigrate to a new country then come back to their native country periodically for a visit and they, all of a sudden, can't speak their native language anymore, and don't even know how to "act" Filipino anymore, saying things like, "You don't have a shower? You don't expect me to take a bath with a tabo!", and walking around downtown in their leather jackets, skinny jeans, and knee-high boots in 110F weather...

The curious thing is usually... most of the people suffering from immigrantitis ALSO suffer from balikbayanitis.

[MorningStar]

Buy him some Fanta. Germans love Fanta.

[Tyler90AZ]

If you love him and want your marriage to work never, never, never give up and make sure he watches General Conference.

[Dravin]

Buy him some Fanta. Germans love Fanta.

Get him some butterkasse.

[shdwlkr]

First that glass from Germany does it have a lid on it ? if so it is a beer stein. Yes Germans drink from beer steins goes way back in history. The manner of his drinking is what Germans do when they wish to show off their drinking ability. I know I am German and yes I have a beer stein I drink pop and lemon aide from.

What he is doing is showing his displease for the new you and doesn't know how else to show he doesn't like the you are now. Go get some counseling whether is willing to go or not. You have to worry about you and you first.

I know of many split religious families that make it work because they are willing to work at it They know there are differences but they make them a positive in the relationship not a negative.

Just to give you and idea how it works, I have a lady friend who is Chinese and I am not and we see the challenges as a source of growth not road blocks and we also see that we are better together than apart and most of all we are willing to see where it leads and not put up road blocks for no good reason.

I really think your husband is frustrated that you are not the person he married and is willing to do anything to bring you back into his world even it might drive the two of you apart which he doesn't see yet.

Best of luck and let us know how it works out. Remember you are a daughter of God so you do have rights, expectations and also rewards that are yours but with that also comes challenges and hard decisions which only you can make for yourself.

[NadiaStar]

Do you at all feel you've been "superior" in any way since you became more active? Not meanign to point fingers, but even a little thing might make him feel bad about this.

Sit down, affirm to him your love for him, and maybe even be willing to compromise on a few faith issues. My sister-in-law is married to my a Methodist man--she goes to his church half the Sundays in the month. He doesn't attend hers, but isn't super-active in his church but appreciates that church time together. They've been able to work everything out.

I don't mean sell out on your testimony. Keep up your LDS faith, I just used that as an example.

I agree that he definitly isn't used to his "new wife" and will probably need a lot of extra love and assurance.

[zuko725]

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Edited March 21, 2012 by zuko725

[FunkyTown]

I'm going to be honest here:

It sounds like you're just letting off steam. You probably need to get some girlfriends for that. With the number of posts you've made about your husband and his beer drinking/strip club attendance/cat pee smelling parents/problem du jour, it sounds like you're either:

A) Blowing off steam because you have no girlfriends IRL or family you can blow off steam to, or;

B) Someone who doesn't like their husband very much.

I'm guessing A, which sucks for you if that's the case, but there's really not much we can do on here about that. Have you considered joining some local groups?

If it's B, then you need to figure out what you're going to do about that. You can't change your husband. Only yourself. Knowing that, you have to figure out what you're willing to do to adapt to him.

[zuko725]

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Edited March 21, 2012 by zuko725

[FunkyTown]

Haha you're right, I am blowing off steam.

The thing is, I live 3 hours away from all of my family and friends and they all have full times jobs and not really time to sit around and listen to me complain Also, if I talk to about him to my family or friends I"m afraid they wont like him anymore.. and I don't want to risk that.

So I vent to complete strangers instead.. looking for advice and for someone to listen. Sorry for it getting annoying.. I just feel like I'm losing my mind and I need SOMEONE to talk to.

That's totally fine. Venting on the internet is a tricky matter 'cause it's impossible to tell if someone genuinely wants advice or if they're just venting. Me, I wouldn't want to live in a place that smells like cat pee, but your hubby may differ.

[Guest]

That's totally fine. Venting on the internet is a tricky matter 'cause it's impossible to tell if someone genuinely wants advice or if they're just venting. Me, I wouldn't want to live in a place that smells like cat pee, but your hubby may differ.

Me, I would welcome every opportunity to save the money even if it means cleaning cat pee and maintaining my in-laws house so it becomes habitable for me. Heck, I might be able to help my in-laws live healthier and form good habits!

So yeah, Zuko... like what I told you before, your problem is not the beer stein glass whatever, nor the cat pee...

And the more you expend all your energies fighting over cat pee the more you are getting farther and farther from seeing the forest for the trees.

Resentment builds so that, after a while, you can't even remember what it is you are REALLY struggling with because all you see is cat pee and all the piddly stuff.

And no... 3 hours away with jobs and you can't talk to your family? That's an excuse and you know it. My family lives half-way around the world on international long-distance calling rates and we talk almost everyday. I have a problem, I call my parents. No, I don't dump my problems on them. I just call them to chat them up. See how they're doing. See if they need any help. It's a great way to divert my brain so I can be concerned about somebody else for a change instead of getting stuck with my own problems. Try it. It works for me. There's nothing better than a "reality check" when I call my dad asking him how he is doing with his deadly lung cancer... fastest way to put my problems in perspective.\

P.S.... there is no way I'm moving in with my in-laws... just saying. LOL!

Edited March 21, 2012 by anatess

[zuko725]

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Edited March 21, 2012 by zuko725

[JudoMinja]

I just really never thought that this is where I'd be at this time in my life.

THIS sounds like your core issue right here. You are unhappy and dissatisfied because your current circumstances do not meet your expectations. I get that. I feel this way quite a bit myself.

Focusing too much on the bad can lead us to depression and/or acting out in inapproriate ways to try and regain the sense of satisfaction we are missing. But... the bad is there. It isn't going to just disappear, and sometimes its going to pile on and really irritate us. Venting can help IF it doesn't stop there. Just venting will compound the issue, causing you to focus more and more on the bad and become more and more frustrated. However, if you use the vent as a method for becoming more aware of what exactly is bothering you so that you can problem solve and find ways to improve, then it becomes productive.

Now some of the bad, we have no control over. You get your venting out, take a deep breath and then think about it- Is this something I can have an effect on and change to make my life better? If the answer is no, you just need to let it go and move on. Vent done, now try your hardest to stop thinking about it. This is done best by focusing on the things you can change and then getting actively involved in those self-improvement projects.

Now those things you can change- it's time to problem solve. Examine your problems and figure out what approaches and routes are best for limiting and overcoming your struggles. Since the majority of your complaints have to do with disagreements and differences between you and your husband, this means you are going to need to do a lot of discussing and compromising. Can you talk about these things with your husband without it devolving into a fight or situation where neither one of you are making any steps to draw closer together? A marriage requires give and take. There need to be agreements back and forth, where both of you are making sacrifices for one another.

Most important though is not setting unrealistic expectations for your life. Set high goals and maintain high standards, but also be realistic. One of the greatest reasons people become dissatisfied is because they planned a fantasy future for themselves and reality failed to match that fantasy. There are too many outside factors to account for, and nobody can have a perfect life. Take your current situation, your current placement in life, and set goals for improvement without expecting your life to become miraculously perfect. Our life is a time for growth and learning, and that would not happen if we all had no problems to face.

[JudoMinja]

?? Why did you delete your posts? Zuko, I hope you didn't take my posts as critisizm. There's nothing wrong with venting online, and I've enjoyed the opportunity to offer my input, however helpful it may be for you. Writing something out and getting input from others can help us reveal to ourselves just what we need to work on and how.

I hope things get better for you and your husband.

[Guest]

Hey Zuko... check back in... we're thinking about you...

Anatess Jumps the 'Net to give Zuko great big hugs.

[Guest promsandweddings]

Hello

I received an email from a very frustrated and confused wife who told me that her marriage was falling apart and she had no idea how to proceed because everything that she tried only seemed to make things worse. She'd tried confronting the problem head on. She'd tried having a deep, heart to heart discussion with her husband. She'd tried lavishing him with affection and attention. She'd tried to downplay the issue hoping that it would get better on it's own. And, as a last resort, she'd tried to play hard ball - becoming angry and demanding to know exactly what it would take to get through to her husband. I understand why these tactics seemed reasonable at the time. I tried many of them myself. But, many of the tactics that seem perfectly right at the time backfire on you in the end. In the following article, I'll tell you what I've seen work the best (time and time again) to save a marriage that is falling apart.

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[zuko725]

Haha Nobody here offended me! You guys all gave great advice and that I plan on following!

The reason I deleted my posts was because I was frustrated yesterday and I felt bad for the amount of complaining I was doing and some of the things I said and simply didn't want my posts up anymore. Since I can't delete the thread, I just deleted the things I posted.

I'm convinced hubby and I will be just fine.. I feel like we're just going through a bad rough patch right now but I truly feel that we will somehow, someway get through this. Bottom line is, we're both crazy about each other and want to make it work. Another thing I realized was that maybe my birth control pills are a little too much for me and making me go on this crazy mood swings.. so that's something I think I'm going to look into. One minute I'm happy and everything's great.. the next I'm sad or angry over something small.. I never used to be like this and I can't help but wonder if my bc is to blame?

Also "our" house is being inspected today and I'm a bit bummed about it. I was looking forward to doing all this house stuff but it's kind of a bummer being there during the inspection, knowing that hubby is just going to reject the house afterwards anyway Oh well.

Anyway, thanks again everyone for the advice and concerns.. it truly is appreciated.

[Guest]

Zuko, you sound a bit more upbeat today. YEAY!

Here's to better times ahead!

Maybe you can tell your husband about what you're going through in a "can we help each other?" kind of way...