not even a year but Im thinking in temple cancellation

[LightSeeker]

Hi, I would like some advice , dont really know where to start, i guess from the beggining...

I dated my husband for 4 years before marrying him in the temple 8 months ago. We are both 24. I had been lds most of my life and he baptized afte 2 years of dating. I was not living the gospel when I met him and we had problems with the Low of Chastity and WOW. We tried to change that, we confessed, the bishop told us not to think about the past and stop the bad habits. We did it almost for a year but a month before the wedding it happened again. I started having second thoughts about the wedding, may be my parents felt it and told me that I was still on time to call it off but I was to ashamed and I made what I think is the worst mistake of my life. I lied in the interview and got married.

Since we married I have been depressed and my husband and I dont agree in anythin we just keep fighiting and fighting. The first two months we really tried to overcome the problems but at the end we just gave up and (is not a excuse) we went back to drinking (it's almost the only time when we agree and get along) and we just go to church ocassionally.

Our marriage is so messed up that we had fought and I mean like physical fights, this is so not normal. I just want to get out of this situation, cant stand it anymore. And to make things worst now that we are married I dont feel attraction to my H, I even feel somehow repulsed by him or the thought of intimacy (and this is one of the main problems) I think it is because of the guilt, and he doesnt understand why I changed that. Right now Iam sleeping uppstairs and he is downstairs.

I dont think I love my H anymore.

Oh, and going to the bishop is not an option, my H would never go with him cause they had an argument sometime ago, and they dont talk to each other.

We had considered counseling, we talked about it last week , we wanted to work on our relationship after a HUGE fight and we actually tried , we read a book on marriage and it was working but then everythin started falling apart,. AGAIN, as many times before.

I wannna write a letter to request temple cancellation, confess that I lied and may be the marriage isnt even valid buty I dont have the courage to do it. My H doesnt want me to write the letter

[Dove]

Hello, Lightseeker;

As I write this I feel horribly inadequate in offering advice on this because I don't know how to offer kind support and a valid way of handling your circumstances.

So, please know my heart goes out to you and that what I am saying is to be taken with a grain of salt, in other words, only for what it's worth. Also, I say it in kindness and proffering friendship.

It sounds like perhaps you feel quite guilty about having entered the temple under false pretenses. I would suggest that maybe, instead of going to your bishop (since your husband is opposed) to go one step higher, to your stake president. Ask that what you say be kept in the strictest confidence. Go ahead and come clean about the circumstances surrounding your marriage in the temple. I would also suggest that you do it for yourself, maybe without your husband knowing, so that you can "get it off your chest" and begin the repentance process. I suggest going without your husband knowing because, if he is opposing you come clean, the bottom line is that this is your repentance process, not his.... Confessing your sins has nothing to do with your husband; but, with you. Even if you let your husband know what you are going to do, do it separately from him.... If he wants to go in and come clean about his part in it, that's up to him. Don't force/make/cajole/talk him into doing something he may not want to or be ready to do. Make it about your process of repenting and leave his to him. This may go quite a ways towards alleviating your fighting with each other.

Also, again, begin with yourself with the fighting......If he wants to argue or fight, just walk away from it anyway you can. Whatever the fight is about isn't worth fighting over. If you and he can discuss it calmly and lovingly with each other, that's one thing. But, contention really isn't going to solve the issues you are fighting over.

You said in your post that you knew each other for four years before getting married...It sounds like your relationship has become abusive. Can you stop your part? You mentioned physical fights~Is it him abusing you more than you him? Is he hitting you and hurting you? If so, then this is really unhealthy. Not that it's okay for you to hit him, just that I believe men should never hit women, for the obvious physical differences. If this is a case of him abusing you more so, then, by all means, get out of a dangerous situation. But, if the physical hitting is more equal, can you walk away from doing your part in it?

You say that you may not love him anymore. Save for abuse, please don't immediately dismiss your marriage. Loving someone is more of a choice, imo, than a feeling. When I was married to my wonderful husband, I did it full well knowing that I wasn't so much in love with him as that I loved him dearly and could see longevity in our marriage. I am not advocating you having physical intimacy with your husband at this point; but, to be kind, helpful and willing to do your part in making your marriage work. I believe if you repent of your wrongs in how your marriage started and in how it is not working right now, you will find that your love for him will come back stronger and better. Then, if he is still unwilling to repent and do his part in repairing your marriage, at least if you decide to dissolve it you can do it from a perspective of good will, respect for his agency to not work on it, and a hope for his happiness as well as yours.

Lastly, I would suggest that instead of asking for a temple cancellation that you instead confess your sins to the proper priesthood authority, be that the stake president or bishop, and then give them the respect to decide whether or not the sealing should be canceled.

I hope this makes sense and proves helpful to you. Please don't give up yet, on yourself or your marriage. The atonement is a beautiful and loving gift of letting us get up from falling down, dusting ourselves off and, with the Saviour there, trying again.

Dove

Edited April 22, 2012 by Dove
Clarification

[Backroads]

Dove, I think your post was well-said.

My gut response is a lot of this might be stemming from the guilt. Get that taken care of first (Of course, if the fighting is on the abuse side of things, separating from that would also be most prudent) even if it just means yourself. If your husband is up for seeing the stake president rather than the bishop, that's an excellent idea.

[rameumptom]

Do some real marriage counseling. If you can't talk with your bishop, talk with your elder's quorum president about getting the guidance.

[Guest]

What would be the purpose of cancelling a temple sealing at this point? I don't think there's a purpose to it now.

What's the purpose of divorce at this point? So you can start over? It's not gonna happen that easily. Divorce doesn't really solve these kinds of problems. It's just an "escape route" and not really solving the problem. The same problem will continue to crop up with any other relationship you will try to build. It's like somebody who finds out there's a leak in the bathroom so they leave the house. You're still stuck with the mortgage and can't sell the house because the problem was never solved - the bathroom is still leaking. Sure, you might get a new, much better house. But, that old leaky house will still continue to be your problem unless you face it and solve the problem. And guess what - when a leak springs up in your brand new house's bathroom... you never learned how to deal with the issue, so you're going to end up in the same boat.

What I suggest at this point is to batten down the hatches and be prepared for a long, arduous journey of rebuilding a relationship with your spouse and with God. I am confident in saying that if you get through this and get to the other side, your marriage WILL last a lifetime... even an eternity. A marriage that is tested by fire and has gone through the repentance process can be one of the strongest marriages ever.

Marriage is not easy. Marriage is not constant happiness. Marriage is not anytime sex and all roses. Just like everything in life, you have to work to the bone to get a marriage to last an eternity. You have to be willing to lay down your own self to be able to give the utmost charity to your chosen spouse. What is love? This giddy, touchy feely... whispering sweet nothings, knees turned to jelo, warm fussies all over? That's love? No. Dying on the cross. That's love.

[applepansy]

You're received some good advice here. I would like to add that if you do go to the Stake President he will likely refer you back to the Bishop. Part of repenting is confessing to the Bishop, not the Stake President. I would hope the EQ Pres would refer you to the Bishop.

Repentance is personal. You don't need your husband to participate to repent. Take care of what you need to do to stop feeling the guilt. The Bishop can get you into counseling.

Fighting? Don't participate. Walk away until you can talk calmly. If it escalates again...walk away until you both calm down. Keep trying.

It is possible to love your husband again.

I wish you all the best.

[jayanna]

Your Father in Heaven knows about your trials, he cares about you. He has not left you alone in this. There is a way to make this situation better, and He is waiting for you to return to the path you are meant to be on. The first relationship that you need to work on is the relationship you have with the Savior. You can begin this by getting out your scriptures and prayerfully studying them for the words you need to have right now. Also, if you our your parents have it, get out your patriarchal blessing. If you don't know where it is, you can request a new copy on lds.org. Begin and follow your study with prayer.

You can only control your own choices and actions. Go back to church, and attend the Gospel Principles class, I know you might think you know everything in there, but you must have missed something along the way. It is a great place to start if you are returning to activity. Attend every Sunday, and as soon as you work up the courage, go to the Bishop. I have had to go to my Bishop before to work on something, and let me testify to you, I felt SO much better after I got that skeleton out of the closet and started working on it.

Once you start loving yourself again, you can believe that your spouse truly loves you. If you don't have love for yourself you will always doubt what feelings of love that he might have for you. This relationship, if it is supposed to move forward, can only move forward after you have begun walking with the Lord again. Once you have begun feeling better, it will be easier to forgive your husband and look past what has taken place between you.

In order for you to be forgiven of your sins, and yes they can all be forgiven, you must also forgive your husband's... you both got into this, it will take work from both of you to get out...you start and when he sees the difference in your countenance he will surely wish to follow.

So now you have a plan, search ponder and pray, attend church, see your Bishop as soon as you can to feel better. I seriously doubt you will be given a cancellation of sealing, most importantly your relationship with your Heavenly Father can be mended once again. That is the most beautiful thing, when we come before him again and again he loves us and forgives us every time. He wants us to be with him, and he will give you every opportunity to be in his presence.

[LightSeeker]

thanks for the advice everyone.

Dove, I really appreciate your opinion, when I wrote the post I was seriously thinking on divorce. But I talked to my husband and we are trying to work on our issues.

I have been thinking about love not as that magical feeling we always relate it to, but in a wider concept.

Love implies sacrifice, and maybe my marriage is worth saving.

We are going to marriage counseling soon, and about the fights, well we both take our part, I have to recognize it.

My husband has always say he loves me, even when I say I'm not so sure. and about church we talked about it and will work on that as well.

I know it's not an easy road to happy marriage, but there are sometimes that Ijust want to give up, that´s why I wanted some external opinion.

[Backroads]

Just yesterday I read an excellent quote along the lines of (major paraphrase as I don't have the book with me) true love does not necessarily last forever but may die and be born again many times within the same relationship.

[me1600]

do confess to your Bishop or someone you trust. Your guilt and your husbands may be bothering both of you. I have struggled with Word of Wisdom. But You must remember your sins can be forgotten. There are some great support groups for LDS. Reach out. Rest. Stop hurting yourself by alcohol. You can do this, it may be that you are not meant to be married. But don't rush into that. You are young and the Church is here for YOU.

[log2]

May I suggest prayer? If there is anything in your life right now that would separate you from your Father, that might prevent you from hearing His voice, please, try to lay it aside, and pour out your heart to Him, so that you may feel and know in your heart what you ought to do.

[clarissa]

I am really sorry for your situation and I hope that you can find the happiness you desire. From what you wrote, you are in an abusive relationship and need to get out. Focus on getting a divorce, and then focus on rebuilding your testimony and staying close to the Spirit's promptings of things you should do. Attend the Temple for inspiration. Best of luck to you!

[Timpman]

He hits you. Get the heck out. There are no children, right? Just leave.

[SoCal_Counselor]

It is possible for marriages to overcome physical fighting and abuse. I've seen it happen. If BOTH of you are willing to go to counseling, if BOTH of you are willing to admit your faults and begin the process of changing yourselves, your marriage actually has a good chance of getting better.

Your marriage seemed to start off with a faulty foundation. Now may be the time to start rebuilding the marriage, starting with a healthy and strong foundation. The Family Proclamation identifies what a strong foundation looks like: "Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities."

[Jennarator]

If you are not going to church, start, slow if need be. Start by praying over your meals. Sounds dumb, but it will put prayer back in your life without feeling the need to poor out your whole heart. (If you are not ready to.) Slowly add personal prayers, and when you can, start praying together. (I would suggest get to that as soon as you can, but when you are ready or it might be awkward.) I think you might be suprised how much praying together can bring you together. Also when you hear your spouse pray, you can get a good idea of what is important to him because of what he prays about. If you feel like you can't pour your heart out with your husband listening then keep your prayers simple and pour out your heart in your personal prayers.

Read together. a book is a great start, a church book and or a book on marrige is better, but the sciptures are best.

If your husband got into a fight with your bishop, then go alone, at first. He can join you wen he is ready. You bishop might even get a different point of view and get along better (since it has been a year.) Take things one step at a time. It's not going to be fixed overnight. You will have ups and downs. See a counsler. Good luck!!

[ALLBEEF]

I would suggest doing those things you use to enjoy while dating.....once your married...the dating doesn't have to stop!!

[ClickyClack]

There are two issues here:

1. Your marriage

2. Your relationship with God.

All too often, when problems with #1 crop up, people let it hamper #2. Don't let that happen.

Fixing #1 is easy... confess, repent, move on. Sadly, bad marriages are tough, tough situations with no easy answers, and you have my sympathy and support.

[Julianna]

Whoah! The marriage hasn't even ended yet! Take a step back. First of all, yes, your marriage is valid. A bit, tainted, perhaps, but valid. Second, before you can even BEGIN to assess whether a temple cancellation is an option, you have a bunch of other steps to go through. If you haven't already, read "The Miracle of Forgiveness." Main take away from this book is that the Atonement is for everyone who chooses to accept it. Christ did this amazing, spectacular thing when He paid for our sins and died for us, but it was for all of us (yes, including you) that He did it. He didn't have a particular need or desire to be tortured and die, but He DID have so much love for YOU, individually, that He wanted you to have an out when you made the transgressions humans inevitably do.

With that in mind, until you can fully repent and forgive yourself, and assess whether your husband is capable of the same, you will not know whether divorce is appropriate or necessary. You both need counseling, but more than that, you both need a heavy dose of humility. Focus first on restructuring your life and aligning it with what God has outlined for you. This can require some serious self discipline, but you wouldn't hop in a car and go on a cross country trip with no money and no map or plan for how to get there and expect that you will just magically happen upon the most direct route and have no struggles along the way. You need to know where you want to go, or you won't know when you get there. You can't force your husband to get help, but you can outline for him what will not be acceptable behavior if he loves you and wants you in his life (i.e. drinking, abuse). You can make it clear that you love him and support him and will be there for him if he wants to make improvements, but that you can't go that direction with him and be happy. I tell my husband that I won't hold the past against him--he can't go back and change the past, no matter how dearly he wants to, but that I expect great things from him in the future. When the goal is hope for the future and not a lifetime of regret for the past, we are more successful.

I can't tell you what to do (other than not to have kids until you are confident that you're both on the right track and have a couple of years of stability behind you) but I can promise you that if you do the things the Lord has asked of you, and develop a strong relatioship with God as well as a healthy self esteem resulting from that relationship, you will not only know what you need to do, but be able to see the hope in whatever it is you choose. A positive attitude is a MUST, no matter what. Flirt with him, do your best to resurrect the good things about your marriage, and give it your all, and in the end if you are the one who chooses to leave because he refuses to let go of toxic behavior, at least you'll know you gave it your best.

Oh...and go get a hug from someone. This is a very tough, lonely place to be. There are people around you who love you. Don't isolate yourself from them out of fear of judgment.

[Forget-Me-Not]

I almost hate to add this as I would never want it to sound as if I was encouraging someone to divorce because they found they were no longer attracted to their spouse, or no longer having desire to be physically intimate, or even if they have doubts that they love them anymore. But sometimes there are reasons beyond what we think at the time, that we are unaware of. So I thought I'd share a few things from my own experience which have a few similarities to some of yours. When it came to my own marriage, at least, I realized some things I wish I had long ago. One was that my husband and I had absolutely no foundation for marriage from the start, including being without love for each other. Physical attraction was all that got us together in the first place and nothing more.

The love that man and woman should have for one another to lead to marriage never developed. We also had no shared beliefs that would help to bring that about. We really should never have married, but, once we did, we felt duty bound to stick it out because that's what we felt married people are supposed to do. We had several issues between us, but we had physical intimacy issues almost from the start, on my part, that I didn't understand. Thinking there was something wrong with me I went to doctors, into therapy, and to a number of my bishops, doing everything I could to try to resolve that issue, thinking it was my fault, possibly caused because I'd been the victim of rape as a teenager.

You know, I was astounded, many years later, when I realized that not a single person I sought help from ever bothered to ask me if I loved the man I was married to. I didn't, though I didn't realize it at the time. I also remember the moment I realized I did not have desire for him physically (repulsed would be the word for me too) even though he was an extremely handsome man in every way physically. But, as we had never had a problem in that department before that time, I thought there was something wrong with me, so I continued to try. The night we were married I didn't want to go through with it, either, but since we had not lived the law of chastity I thought my lack of attraction and desire was related to that, so even though I didn't want to go through with the marriage, I did anyway, thinking that would change. For most of my married life I thought it would change. Thought that we would grow to love each other as spouses should and thought that my lack of desire would be overcome.

Neither of those things happened in spite of all my efforts. As a result we were unhappily married for 30+ years. The issue that actually ended my marriage was when I realized I had no trust left any longer to offer a man who had consistently betrayed my trust time and time again. Not with infidelity (as far as I know, at least) but with deception and lies to cover lies, to cover lies, to cover his use of drugs, pornography, and gambling. He went to church with me fairly often, he went through the motions of trying to do the "religious thing" too, had the missionary lessons so many times I lost count, but, through it all, nothing changed for us, or for me. Love never developed nor did his efforts to try to believe in God help us to gain that strengthening bond either.

It was not until shortly before I divorced my husband that I realized there was nothing wrong with me at all when it came to physical desire. What I realized was that there was absolutely no emotional intimacy in order to support physical intimacy. So, as love and emotional intimacy go hand in hand, and as they go hand in hand with fulfillment in physical intimacy, for me, at least, once that lust fueled passion thing wore off, I was no longer attracted to him and no longer able to be physically intimate without great difficulty. While my husband could do fine without love and without emotional intimacy where sexual intimacy was concerned, I simply could not. I wish, so much, I had realized so many things long ago. If I had my life would likely be very different right now.

Edited June 3, 2012 by Forget-Me-Not