Have a serious problem with confessing

[SoVerySorry]

I really could use some advice. My story is quite sad and pathetic.

I've been clean for 1 year, but before then I had dabbled in pornography off and on for a few years. I also got a happy ending at a massage parlor. I won't get into specifics, but I get massages all of the time from different places, never with any sexual intention. This one event happened at a new parlor and I haven't gotten a massage since. Just disgusted with myself for letting that happen and me not stopping it (didn't ask for it).

My question is, I have no problem confessing to the bishop, but have not done so because I'm terrified he will make me tell my wife. I know she'll divorce me, or at least lose all confidence in me if she finds out. I have kids too. Like I've said, I've been clean for over a year, and really am a new man after leaving all that filth behind. I'm reading scriptures every day, praying, doing FHE, and trying my best to be a great husband and father.

What should I do? In cases like this would the bishop make me tell my wife? I honestly don't know if I'd be able to do that.

Please help, I have thought about this every single day. I know the easy answer is tell your wife and bishop, but I honestly am scared to death of breaking up my family over this.

Edited August 4, 2012 by SoVerySorry

[skalenfehl]

Do yourself a favor and get yourself right with the Lord. Purify yourself, confess and lay it all on the table with your wife and your bishop. Let the consequence follow. In the end, you will be glad you did. Yes it will be painful. Drink your bitter cup and let the Atonement work in your life. Let Jesus Christ heal you.

[Misshalfway]

So...you have struggled with pornography. You have committed to stop. You have achieved a year of sobriety. You get massages regularly. But on this one day...at this new shop....something happens that you didn't intend.

Now you hate yourself.....because that's the only thing you know to do. And you are disgusted because you can't figure out how you let it happen again. Well, at least you're not ready to look at that yet.

So, you start looking for the fastest escape. And you conclude that the safest thing is not to ever tell anyone. You justify in your mind that telling would inflict undo suffering on your wife and children.

You start to weigh out the merits of confession. You know telling the bishop would bring peace, but after all of it you are paralyzed by fear because you can't bear to face the shame you'll feel when you see your sweethearts face. You reach out to the anonymous people of the world for help because your sufferings are too exquisit.

Sweetie.... you sound like you are living in a nightmare.

There is only one way out of this..... You'll find it on the path of truth and light.

Tell. Just tell. Liberate yourself from all the lies, contradictions, and weakness. Each courageous step will bring you back to God and back to peace....and most importantly back to yourself.

[SoVerySorry]

You justify in your mind that telling would inflict undo suffering on your wife and children.

This is the crux of my problem. I have no problem with whatever discipline is handed down to me by the bishop. I'd have already confessed if it weren't for my wife and kids.

But, I'm certain that my wife will leave me if she finds out. I won't go into reasons why, but she will. I guess that'll be my punishment for my sins, losing my wife and the trust of my children. I'm honestly still debating what I want to do. Keep my wife and kids, or confess and lose them.

I know this sounds like trying to take the easy way out, but is telling my wife part of the confession?

[Misshalfway]

I can't know what your wife will do. I only know that I've had lots of experiences with these scenarios and that often it works out better than the addict predicts. There is more that goes into the decision to leave than the content of the confession. In lots of cases, women understand. They want to support and they are willing to support recovery efforts IF they see that he is contrite and honest. In 90% of the cases I've seen, it's not the sex that hurts so much. It's the lying and deception. Trust me. The very decision to keep this from her will be the thing that sends her packing. What happened at the massage parlor won't even matter at that point.

I don't think you are looking for the easy way out. What I think is that you don't have the skills yet to help both you and your wife work through this. Very few people do. That is why I often recommend good therapy in addition to working together with a bishop.

You ask..."is telling my wife part of the confession?" No. It's part of making restitution. She is the party you wronged, yes?

[NeuroTypical]

The only good answer we can give you is "maybe". Bishops handle such things on a case by case basis, with the guidance of the spirit.

One thing to keep in mind - no bishop can "make" you do anything.

[pam]

The problem I see with not telling your wife is this. Let's just say what if the Bishop hands down some kind of disciplinary action. Something that might keep you from doing some of the things you would normally do. Perhaps it might be taking the Sacrament, going to the temple, holding a calling etc. Remember I'm just saying "if."

How do you explain or what do you say to your wife as to why this would be so? Do you lie and perpectuate the secrets and lies?

[Vort]

But, I'm certain that my wife will leave me if she finds out...I'm honestly still debating what I want to do. Keep my wife and kids, or confess and lose them.

My thought is that leaving you or staying with you is HER choice to make. She should be allowed to make it.

I think you should get your bishop and stake president to guide you through this painful time.

[skalenfehl]

Like I've said, I've been clean for over a year, and really am a new man after leaving all that filth behind.

My friend, you truly aren't clean or a new man yet. Once you are whole again, then you will truly be a new man. If you don't lose your wife and children now with a chance to get them back, you may lose them forever hereafter. I am sure you understand how much more painful that will be.