Need Advice About Sinning Friend

[abm7]

Let me first start off by saying that I've prayed a lot about this. Unfortunately, I haven't received a clear answer, which is why I'm here asking for advice. This is a long one, so please bare with me. I'll try not to leave anything pertinent out.

My name is Alison--feel free to use any variation of it that you'd like (Alison, Alis, Alice, Ali, etc), or just call me by my user name. I'm not picky about what name you use.

My best friend (I'll call her Suzie here--I don't want this to be too identifiable) and I have been close since middle school, when I moved to the US from the UK. We went to the same ward, had the same classes in school, her family thinks of me as an "adopted" daughter, and my family thinks of Suzie the same way. When we were 17, Suzie set me up on a date with "Adam", now my husband. As you can tell, we're extremely close.

We even got married just a couple of weeks apart. I was sealed to my husband, followed by a small ceremony for my non-member friends and extended family. Suzie was married civilly in a last-minute wedding planned in just a few days. Her now-husband "James" was kicked out of his parent's house several months before their original wedding date and Suzie decided he should move into her apartment, where she lived alone. She tried keeping it a secret from everyone, but her parents found out and they ended up planning a quick civil wedding so that Suzie "would stop acting like a wh***" (censored quote from Suzie's mom).

Now here is where I need the advice:

Living with James before being married wasn't the worst thing she's done. To say this nicely, she went "all the way" (and then some) with him long before moving in together, and she seriously violated the Law of Chastity with 4 prior boyfriends, and she had multiple miscarriages and pregnancy scares with 2 of the boyfriends. Some of the pregnancy scares happened because she was drunk and didn't remember how far she'd gone. Her husband doesn't know about all of that. Neither does her bishop. A few of our non-LDS mutual friends know about the miscarriages, but I'm the one who was told the details. I've always felt uncomfortable hearing about and knowing all of this, but I always pushed it to the back of my mind and tried to love her and help her the best I could.

She's due to be sealed to her husband in a few weeks, on the anniversary of her civil wedding. She's told me that she doesn't tell any of this to her bishop, that she lies and says the right answers. She told me this while we were having lunch recently, and she had just ordered an alcoholic drink she likes (I think it was called a "Strawberry Lemon Drop"...but I suppose that's irrelevant). When she told me that, I felt seriously nauseous. She's been cleared to receive her endowments and get sealed, and she's keeping almost everything a secret. Ever since she told me that, I haven't been spending as much time with her, because this is all I can think about. I want her to have all the blessings that going to the temple brings and has brought to me and my husband, but she doesn't want to own up to her past mistakes, or her current ones. She (thankfully) has cut back to one drink occasionally instead of drinking until she passes out, but it's still a problem.

I don't know what to do about this. I don't know if it's my place to "tattle" on her to her bishop, but can I--should I stand by and say nothing? I've never told my bishop about any of this before, because I didn't want Suzie to find out that I spilled all her secrets (although our mutual friends might know more than I thought--I doubt they'd seek out her bishop about it), but sometimes telling the truth is worth risking a friendship--right? Or wrong?

Please, I'm really struggling with this. If there's anything anyone can say to help me figure out what to do, please say it.

[annewandering]

I dont know what is right or wrong but I would have a hard time not talking to at least my own bishop. Perhaps he could counsel you on what to do?

[Misshalfway]

If my best friend were doing something like this I would confront her and tell her how I felt about her decisions. I did that once with a friend who was engaged to a jerk. She really hated my interference at the time, but thanked me later when she saw his true colors.

I don't, however, think you should talk to the bishop. Just tell your friend what you think and leave it at that. What goes around comes around. It won't be the end of this for her. She'll have to face the consequences of her choices at some point. And then you can be her support again when the pain of it hits her.

[NeuroTypical]

She's told me that she doesn't tell any of this to her bishop, that she lies and says the right answers. She told me this while we were having lunch recently, and she had just ordered an alcoholic drink she likes

...

I don't know what to do about this. I don't know if it's my place to "tattle" on her to her bishop, but can I--should I stand by and say nothing?

"Hi Suzie - I refuse to sit there and watch as you lie, cheat, and decieve your way into the temple. Lie to your bishop if you must, but I will not be a part of mocking sacred covenants, so please don't invite me to any of it. I sincerely hope you come to your senses and nothing would make me happier than to attend the temple with a clean and righteous you. Please consider that even though you may be suckering the bishop, you are not suckering God."

Then make good on your statements.

[abm7]

What goes around comes around. It won't be the end of this for her. She'll have to face the consequences of her choices at some point. And then you can be her support again when the pain of it hits her.

She's already been unsuccessful at conceiving a child with her husband. She's had one miscarriage, and nothing else since getting married, even though they've been trying.

I did try to convince her to talk to her bishop about all of this more than a year ago when she first decided to work towards going to the temple (she didn't talk to me for several weeks), but she's convinced that once she's sealed to her husband, Heavenly Father will finally bless her with children. Her excuses for lying and doing this are so ridiculous, and she can't see how much they don't make sense and aren't okay. I always thought that if I kept her as my friend and didn't push her away, that my good example would "rub off" on her and she'd work to become a better person.

Right now I'm leaning towards what Loudmouth suggested...telling her that I can't support what she's doing, and sticking to it. Hopefully she'll realize she needs to fix things after going through the temple doesn't serve as her magical cure-all.

I've thought about telling my own bishop, but I'm not sure how different that is from telling Suzie's bishop...wouldn't he be obligated in some way to share this with her bishop?

[Misshalfway]

Sounds like you tried to talk to her a year ago. What's stopping you from talking to her now?

No. Your bishop would not have an obligation to talk to someone else's bishop. Unless there was some kind of abuse or risk of someone harming themselves or someone else. In fact, your bishop has the primary obligation to keep your conversation with him confidential.

Beyond that, it's important to understand that he would counsel YOU. Not fix your friend. Bishops aren't the spirituality police. And if your friend succeeds in fooling the bishop and SP, she can't fool the spirit. God is good at working with his children.

I think your best chance for influence though is to talk to her straight. I'm not sure I'd use as heavy of a hand as LM's post. But I wouldn't have any trouble telling my friend I didn't support her choices and that I may not feel comfortable accompanying her to the temple. And that I resent that she has put me in the position of keeping yucky secrets for her.

[abm7]

Sounds like you tried to talk to her a year ago. What's stopping you from talking to her now?

No. Your bishop would not have an obligation to talk to someone else's bishop. Unless there was some kind of abuse or risk of someone harming themselves or someone else. In fact, your bishop has the primary obligation to keep your conversation with him confidential.

Beyond that, it's important to understand that he would counsel YOU. Not fix your friend. Bishops aren't the spirituality police. And if your friend succeeds in fooling the bishop and SP, she can't fool the spirit. God is good at working with his children.

I think your best chance for influence though is to talk to her straight. I'm not sure I'd use as heavy of a hand as LM's post. But I wouldn't have any trouble telling my friend I didn't support her choices and that I may not feel comfortable accompanying her to the temple. And that I resent that she has put me in the position of keeping yucky secrets for her.

We've been really close for so long... I only have brothers. When I was 10, I would pray to Heavenly Father to give me a little sister. Not long after I started praying about it, my mom got sick, and my parents decided to move back to the US so she could have the support of her family. That's when I met Suzie, and it was the first time I knew, without a doubt, that Heavenly Father loved me and was listening to my prayers...he found me a sister when I thought I was losing my mother. I'm afraid to talk to her again because I don't want to alienate her and have our friendship be over.

When I go to church tomorrow, I think I'll seek out the bishop so I can talk to him about this. I'll trust you, Misshalfway, when you say he won't act as spirituality police. :)

[Anddenex]

This is a comment you would have to weigh seriously, and not act on a whim.

I have a friend who was sinning also, and desired to go on a mission. He, was not chaste, but lied to the Stake President that he was. He was just getting ready to send his papers in after being esteemed worthy by the S.P.

The S.P. called him in for a meeting. In the meeting the S.P. read a letter he had received from another member of the church. The S.P. then asked if the statements in the letter were true? This friend, now knowing he was caught in a lie, decided it was better to be honest with the S.P.

The S.P. and with my friends desire to be honest this time, were now able to progress forward on the path of repentance. My friend, although at first, was very frustrated was very grateful for that letter, because he helped him on the path of repentance verses the path of lying and deceiving.

You easily could send an anonymous letter, or a letter with your name attached, asking the Bishop to keep your name withheld.

This is a suggestion. I personally feel in these matters, Bishops and S.P.s need to know, especially if the individual is about to serve a mission or to enter into the Temple.

Edited August 19, 2012 by Anddenex

[Martain]

I refer you to D&C 64:12-14.

12 And him that repenteth not of his sins, and confesseth them not, ye shall bring before the church, and do with him as the scripture saith unto you, either by commandment or by revelation.

13 And this ye shall do that God may be glorified—not because ye forgive not, having not compassion, but that ye may be justified in the eyes of the law, that ye may not offend him who is your lawgiver—

14 Verily I say, for this cause ye shall do these things.

[NeuroTypical]

I would pray to Heavenly Father to give me a little sister.

My advice would be the same if she was actually your blood relation.