Divorce Advice?

[tumbledquartz]

I really appreciate all of your advice on my thread "Can a Man be Happily Married to a Fat Wife?"

Every time I've prayed about this, I've felt like I should stay and try to work it out. I do believe that people can change with God's help, and I was going to do everything I could to make it work, keep my family together, etc. And then one day I read this reply on this site:

My honest advice? Let him go.

I believe you deserve more and I believe that Heavenly Father wants more for you. Let him go and let him do "better" (at least in his eyes).

And as I read the words, "let him go," I felt the spirit. I was taken a little off guard by that because I've been in the making-it-work mode for so long. But as I've prayed and gone to the temple since then, I've felt several more witnesses that this is the right thing.

So now, I have to face the fact that this is super scary and intimidating and I have no idea what to do. We have just started a new round of marriage therapy, and I don't really know what to say when I go the next time. I haven't given my husband any ideas that I'm thinking about this, and I don't know when I should do that. Should I seek legal advice first? Should I just tell him I want to separate and then serve him divorce papers after he's moved out?

I don't really want to do this, but I don't want to stay with him the way things are, either. I just know that I've learned what happens when I don't follow the spirit and I don't want to do that again. (I don't know if I ever said this on here, but the spirit told me not to marry him in the first place, but I gave in to the pressure he put on me to do it anyway.) I'm afraid that I'm going to get a lot of pressure to stay with him from people - the bishop, friends, our counselor, maybe even him - and I don't know if I'm strong enough to stand up to everyone about this. I don't want to make basically the same mistake I made the first time.

I don't know - thoughts? Advice?

[Misshalfway]

You mostly likely will get pressure to stay with him. But maybe this is a chance for you to learn the lesson you couldn't earlier. You gave into the pressure to marry him even when you felt you shouldn't. And it seems you've been trying to make it work possibly from the pressure you put on yourself to save things. Here's a chance for you to stand firm in spite of all that.

Why not go see a lawyer? Getting a good picture of what your options are can only serve to prepare you and calm your fears.

I'm sorry you are finding yourself in this position. These decisions are never easy and I can't know what you should do. But it sounds to me like there is some benevolent force working for your good...nudging you to listen and helping you develop strengths you haven't explored yet.

[Rabboni]

My advice is the same that you'll find in the scriptures: Love your husband as Christ loves the church. Endure to the end. Do not divorce him. Divorce is not a solution.

[Rabboni]

Please also, consider, OP, that some of the advice you have been heeding is from people WHO ARE NOT EVEN MEMBERS OF THE CHURCH (at least, not yet!)

[beefche]

Please also, consider, OP, that some of the advice you have been heeding is from people WHO ARE NOT EVEN MEMBERS OF THE CHURCH (at least, not yet!)

So? Do members of the church have a monopoly on experience, skills, or good advice?

[tumbledquartz]

Some of you on this board are LDS anonymous strangers, and some non-LDS anonymous strangers. I think the fact that you are anonymous strangers is probably more important than your membership in the church when it comes to heeding your advice. I wanted the advice as a kind of informal way to gather data, but when it comes time to heed advice, I've been sticking with listening to my bishop, marriage counselor, and above all, the spirit.

I agree that in most cases, divorce isn't the answer. All it does is end one set of problems and start a whole new set. And usually the new set is as bad or worse, especially for the kids. My bishop told me that people he's seen divorce have said that the hell they were in before they split up was nothing compared to the hell they lived through during and after the divorce.

But in some cases, divorce IS the answer, such as physically abusive situations.

My case isn't as clear-cut as that - my husband has never physically hurt me or the kids. But he is verbally abusive, he's an unrepentant drug addict (he is convinced that marijuana is medicinal for him and he has no plans to try and quit, ever), he's a quasi-repentant adulterer (he is sorry he did it to an extent, but he doesn't feel like it's really his fault, and he has said that if I don't get skinny, he will leave because he's scared that it will happen again), and he's a quasi-repentant alcoholic, (he says he knows it's wrong and he wants to stop, but he isn't doing anything right now to try and stop, and he isn't planning to do anything in the foreseeable future to try and stop, either.)

Even the bible said that fornication is justifiable cause for divorce, although I don't think by any means that's saying it's an automatic reason. I think lots of people can come back from adultery.

But when I sit in the marriage counselor's office, my husband justifies everything he's done and continues to do, points the finger of blame unflinchingly in my direction, and says that if I was hot, I would have him wrapped around my little finger - he would do anything I wanted, etc. and he says if I'm not committed to getting skinny, to tell him now so he can leave and find someone who is. That's not the kind of things you say if you want your wife to forgive you for cheating on her.

[Just_A_Guy]

Tumbledquartz, some states will actually let you do a "separate maintenance" court action that would set up a property division, alimony, custody, and child support, while leaving the two of you officially "married". If reconciliation fails, you could convert the case to a divorce later. They're rare - I filed one in Manti last week, and the court clerk said it was the first one she had ever seen. But it may be an option, depending on your state.

I generally take a dim view of separations intended to "give us both some space" - my experience is that it is almost always a prelude to divorce - but in your case maybe a formal separation, along with court-ordered spousal support, would be the kick in the pants that your husband needs to realize what he's about to lose.

Talk to a lawyer in your jurisdiction immediately, and start building up an emergency fund in case you have to leave or your husband throws you out. Otherwise I'd suggest not rocking the boat until you've talked to a lawyer. Barring physical abuse, I wouldn't leave the marital home or take the kids from there, before getting legal advice.

And, the usual disclaimer: I am only licensed in Utah. You should not consider this to be competent legal advice, talk to a licensed attorney in your jurisdiction, blah, blah, blah.

Edited September 15, 2012 by Just_A_Guy

[MorningStar]

I would be tempted to get super skinny first and then leave him, although being dumped by an overweight woman might hurt his giant ego more.

I don't have any legal advice to offer, but I can offer prayers. :)

[Guest]

Your worth has nothing to do with your weight. His worth as a companion has everything to do with how he treats you. I'm not a big pusher for divorce, but I'd say you've earned your way out, TQ.

[Jenamarie]

He may not be abusing your body, but it most definitely sounds like he's abusing your soul.

[slamjet]

Please also, consider, OP, that some of the advice you have been heeding is from people WHO ARE NOT EVEN MEMBERS OF THE CHURCH (at least, not yet!)

Oh my word, was someone bored last night?

[Rabboni]

So? Do members of the church have a monopoly on experience, skills, or good advice?

I think that statistics will bear out that LDS people generally live better, happier, lives than the average person on the street. How do they do it? They should know.

Consider the source, that's all I'm saying. Many of the people giving advice here are (based on what they've disclosed about their own lives in their own threads) not really in a good position to do so.

[slamjet]

Consider the source, that's all I'm saying. Many of the people giving advice here are (based on what they've disclosed about their own lives in their own threads) not really in a good position to do so.

And what takes you do that conclusion? You dismiss experience while embracing statistical truth? The saying "there are lies, darned lies and statistics" is all too true.

[Guest]

Many of the people giving advice here are (based on what they've disclosed about their own lives in their own threads) .

And you would know this how, being new here not 24 hours ago? Or should I say, "new"?

[Martain]

When reading the counsel you received I asked myself, "Isn't there a difference between being told to let someone go and being told to leave someone?" So I ask you to ponder, is there? Knowing that only personal revelation from the Lord would lead me to divorce, if I were in your shoes I would need to know whether the Lord wanted me to be the initiator or her.

I'll be honest, divorces can easily get ugly. Perhaps talk to your Bishop and Stake President to ask if there are any lawyers in your ward/stake who could provide you with some council regarding how to prepare and minimize the potential for ugliness. I see it as likely that they probably have some good council as well.

Follow the Spirit~

Martain.

[tumbledquartz]

When reading the counsel you received I asked myself, "Isn't there a difference between being told to let someone go and being told to leave someone?" So I ask you to ponder, is there? Knowing that only personal revelation from the Lord would lead me to divorce, if I were in your shoes I would need to know whether the Lord wanted me to be the initiator or her.

I'll be honest, divorces can easily get ugly. Perhaps talk to your Bishop and Stake President to ask if there are any lawyers in your ward/stake who could provide you with some council regarding how to prepare and minimize the potential for ugliness. I see it as likely that they probably have some good council as well.

Follow the Spirit~

Martain.

Thanks. It's funny; I keep praying for direction and nothing has felt right. I talked to a divorce attorney (free consultation-style) so I would feel prepared, but I haven't felt like filing paperwork or even telling him that I'm thinking about divorce was right. When I've prayed about details, like what to do about the house, nothing has felt right. And just last night, when I was praying, I got the distinct impression that I am supposed to be letting him go, not filing for divorce at all.

He made it sound the other day like he was going to bolt if I didn't make a firm commitment to losing weight. I had hesitated when he asked me and then said, "yeah, I'd like to lose some weight. I am going to try," his response was along the line of, "it's a good thing you said that because if you hadn't, I was ready to leave right now." So all I have to do, I guess, is tell him that losing weight isn't a priority and then try not to let the dust he kicks up on his rush out the door choke me too much.

It's probably better this way anyway because then he can't blame me for leaving him. He still will do everything in his power to blame me, of course, but there will be that annoying bit of truth that he is the one who left me that he can't deny.

I just feel kind of helpless and sad because thinking about showing him the door was kind of intoxicating, actually. BUT, I'm trying to follow the spirit because I screwed up the most important decision of my life the first time around. And if anything, this is even more important, with kids involved and everything, so I just want to make sure I do the right thing.

[annewandering]

It might be interesting what happens when you tell him that weight loss is not your priority at the moment and that he will have to deal with it. Maybe, who knows, he might just start acting more mature if he realizes his childish demands are not going to be met instant obedience. You ever play poker? Well call him on his raise.

[MorningStar]

He must think he's pretty hot stuff to think that you are going to grovel and knock yourself out trying to lose weight. Next time he brings it up, maybe have some divorce papers handy for him to sign. That would shock the heck out of him. Show him you know you deserve to be treated better! My friend's husband brought up divorce during every argument until they were visiting her home and she said, "Yeah, get the papers. I'll sign them." She felt stronger there surrounded by her family. That just made him even more angry because he didn't really mean it. Such a cruel thing to hang over her head.

[Guest]

I admire that you can be calm and measured enough to seek and act out according to the promptings of the Spirit. I'm no lawyer, but it could be that if he walks out, your case is better for child support and alimony. Especially if you can prove his reason. Speaking of which, are you documenting his demands that you become a certain size anywhere? Hide a little notebook and write down every time he says something about it or does something to alienate you. Put a little money away where he can't get to it. Do what you need to to prepare while you wait for him to get out of your hair.