Sorry for digging up the dead horse but I need some advice

[Backroads]

Baby Sister's missionary just got back into town today... freakishly early. As far as I can know, he hasn't given a reason yet, but I'm having a lot of trouble dealing with this and trying not to judge. Baby Sister wants us to welcome him back with open arms... I'm an hour away, so I haven't seen him yet, but I'm still really angry. I'm trying to pray for peace and love toward this kid, but it's really hard. This is a stellar kid who I love (and sort of hoped to see officially join the family one day) and I'm just shocked and angry right now.

[annewandering]

You dont know what happened. Dont judge him till you know if even then. It would be awful if you found out he is dying or whatever.

[Backroads]

I know. It's just hard when I already know it was neither medical or mental. That much I have been told.

[annewandering]

It is sad. You expect so much and then are disappointed. How much early is it?

[Backroads]

Over a year early.

I'm focusing on the fact that it's his decision, and I'm just his girlfriend's sister and maybe need to step away from it.

[annewandering]

Over a year early.

I'm focusing on the fact that it's his decision, and I'm just his girlfriend's sister and maybe need to step away from it.

Maybe. She might need someone to talk to because it is going to be rough times for her as well. Does she know why he came back?

[Backroads]

I believe so. However, the impression I'm getting from her is that's she's just thrilled to have him home. She says we should we welcoming, and I know she's right. I just need to get to that point.

[applepansy]

Over a year early.

I'm focusing on the fact that it's his decision, and I'm just his girlfriend's sister and maybe need to step away from it.

Yes, you need to step back a bit. There are so many things that can happen and sometimes they don't have anything to do with anything serious. We know a missionary who has been sent home early. He has the option to reapply and go to a different mission if he chooses. Other than that no one but the family and the Bishop knows why and that's how it should be.

As hard as it is, don't judge. Just wait and see.....and love the same as you have been anyway.

Its hard to love when you've been disappointed but its the right thing to do.

[Backroads]

You're right, applepansy. I'm wondering if I need to just blow off some steam. Sorry to do it here.

[annewandering]

You're right, applepansy. I'm wondering if I need to just blow off some steam. Sorry to do it here.

This is a good place to blow off steam I would think. Better here than at home in this case.

[Backroads]

The last thing I want to do is be mad at this kid and judging him. But I still stand by my beliefs on missions that I've expressed here.

[Mahone]

I came home from my mission early.

I was told I couldn't serve a proselytising mission about 5 months before I was supposed to leave, because I have aspergers. But, there was the option of a service mission for 24 months, although it was my choice to take it or not as I had been honorably excused.

This service mission was something invented by my stake president and bishop, along with the temple president, to work in the temple full time, living in temple grounds, for 24 months. I also had a companion who had ADHD, and was also told he couldn't serve a proselytising mission.

Because there were only 2 of us on our mission, we were to be companions for 24 months. This is one of the reasons salt lake did not approve the mission, but we didn't receive notice of this until after we had started, so our leaders were told we were to complete it, but it wasn't to happen again.

The two of us didn't get on with each other from day one, and our companionship deteriorated as each day went by. 10 months in, I felt I would go insane if I had to spend another minute of living or working with this guy, and having no other option (I'd tried speaking to the temple president and my bishop dozens of times with no answer other than to carry on) I left and went home. In hindsight, I still don't regret the decision I made to do that and feel that I am better off for it.

I felt the same way as I'm sure this guy you're referring to feels now, being silently (and sometimes not so silently) judged by everyone around me. I still feel like that, although I've matured enough to the point that it doesn't bother me anymore, and hasn't for a while.

The ironic thing is, if I hadn't bothered to go at all due to the fact that I was honourably excused, no-one would have had this negative opinion of me. They did have a negative option of me because I actually tried, and took the only option I was given (other than not going), and then found it almost impossible to continue almost half way through.

Sometimes, you don't see the full picture. I'm quite lucky really that my wife is a little more open minded than some others.

Edited August 25, 2012 by Mahone

[Jenamarie]

I'm married to a came-home-over-a-year-early RM. He had good reason for coming home. He also had good reason for not making it public why. Thankfully his family moved to a whole different country shortly after he got home (FIL got a new job after being laid off from his previous one), so he didn't have to deal with much judgment. He's an awesome husband, a good father, and a stand-up member of the church. Hopefully you'll be able to reach the point you're wanting to reach of being able to join your sister in warmly welcoming him home. There's more than one way to return with honor. :)

[Backroads]

Y'know, I actually woke up this morning feeling perfectly okay with it after ranting to my husband who merely responded with understanding and acknowledgment of the importance of missionary service without saying a single word about the kid specifically.

I've known this kid for years, he's worked under me at camp, he's an awesome kid, and... I feel totally at peace this morning about everything.

Guess I just needed a few hours and prayer.

Right now I'm just wondering how to act next time I see him. I guess I am now afraid of him thinking I'm silently judging him.

But I also think that will just have to be his problem.

[RipplecutBuddha]

One of the young men in my home ward came home after eleven months. He spent a month at home (he was never released from being a missionary, so he had to always be with a Mel. Prieshtood holder) and after the month was up, he was sent to finish in a different mission.

At the time nobody knew why but him and his family, and they all were silent. Only years later did I find out it was because there was a sister in one of the areas he served in that turned into a stalker that followed him to six different areas. That's when he was sent home, then to a different mission. Nothing dishonorable at all. In fact he told me she tracked down his parent's phone number and tried calling him there several times. He ultimately had to get a court order to get her to stop.

He served in both missions honorably and had an amazing testimony when he came home for good.

Even though there is a certain social stigma put with missionaries who go home early, I think it's unnecessary, and even beside the point. Serving a mission simply isn't for everyone who may want to go, or may qualifiy to go. There are any number of reasons, and it's best to love the young men for their sincere acceptance of the Lord's call, however it may end.

Even in the cases that do involve sinful acts, the atonement still applies, so support and love are still welcome and appreciated.

When you see him, be sincerely happy to see him. It may be just what he needs from you to help get through whatever his situation is. Surely he knows how it could appear to be coming home so early, so anyone who reflects the Lord's unconditional love will be a big bonus to him.

[MormonMama]

There's more than one way to return with honor. :)

I love this!

There was an article on this, written from the perspective of a missionary who came home early, in the Ensign sometime in the past few months. It was called, "My Mission Was Cut Short": My Mission Was Cut Short - Ensign Apr. 2012 - ensign

I thought there was another one as well, told from the perspective of an Elder, but I haven't found it.

I'm glad you've been able to find some peace in the matter, Backroads. Sometimes we just need a little time to get over the initial shock.

Edited August 26, 2012 by MormonMama

[applepansy]

Y'know, I actually woke up this morning feeling perfectly okay with it after ranting to my husband who merely responded with understanding and acknowledgment of the importance of missionary service without saying a single word about the kid specifically.

I've known this kid for years, he's worked under me at camp, he's an awesome kid, and... I feel totally at peace this morning about everything.

Guess I just needed a few hours and prayer.

Right now I'm just wondering how to act next time I see him. I guess I am now afraid of him thinking I'm silently judging him.

But I also think that will just have to be his problem.

Give him a hug and welcome him home. Just be friendly and happy to see him. That's all it takes.

[Backroads]

I'm also wondering if this is going to speed up wedding plans...

[Traveler]

I understand the concept of love, respect, compassion and honor. But we must also be honest with one another. It is my opinion that if someone resents something in their family – that rather than let it fester or generate speculation that we voice our concerns – not in blame or any kind of accusation but to give each person a chance to clear the air, repent and begin anew.

Some examples: I have a daughter in law whose first child was out of wed lock and given up to adoption. She came into my son’s life when he was having “difficulties” himself. They married and over a year later began to be interested in coming back. Both had wondered for a long time. Today they are sealed in the temple and great examples. My daughter (she is a daughter to me) has had many 1 on 1 association with young ladies as well as their families that followed a similar path and become pregnant. She has done things and provides great service of love and understanding that someone without her experience could not provide quite the same.

I have a son in law that came home from his mission well over a year early. In his case things in his life had remained hidden and changed but not completely repented of. He began to realize on his mission the importance and necessity of being honest concerning his past (something up to this point that he had not been). So he had a change of heart. At this point there really is no need to tell everybody – but it is necessary to tell some. He told our daughter shortly after a few dates and made a point to confess to us shortly after their engagement – they were married in the temple.

My advice for you backroads is to be honest – not angry or any spirit of accusation – and voice your honest concerns privately and only to those that can answer your concerns. I also suggest that you be concerned if this individual was “found out” and still hiding from their past – but that you completely put your concerns aside if they initiated their repentance process. Do not be judgmental but open and honest as a saint. Encourage and support repentance – with the same attitude and acceptance that you would have other assist you in your repentance.

The Traveler

[Jenamarie]

My advice for you backroads is to be honest – not angry or any spirit of accusation – and voice your honest concerns privately and only to those that can answer your concerns. I also suggest that you be concerned if this individual was “found out” and still hiding from their past – but that you completely put your concerns aside if they initiated their repentance process. Do not be judgmental but open and honest as a saint. Encourage and support repentance – with the same attitude and acceptance that you would have other assist you in your repentance.

The Traveler

I have to disagree with this. Yes, he should tell *some* people, but I'm not sure that Backroads falls into that group. If people are "generating speculation" (i.e. gossiping) then they need to cut it out. If the person they're speculating about hasn't told them what's going on, then it's probably because they felt it wasn't their business to know. His coming home early may have absolutely *zero* to do with a need for repentance, and I would personally find it very hurtful if somebody came to me "concerned" about my husbands' early release from his mission, as if they were assuming the worst about him and his character. *I* knew the full story, and I felt it was no deterrent to marriage. If Backroad's sister feels the same way, then she needs to trust her sister and not hurt her by assuming the worst (or appearing to be assuming the worst) about her RM.

[Backroads]

I really do feel it's none of my business. I'm just very particular on missionary service.

[Misshalfway]

I really do feel it's none of my business. I'm just very particular on missionary service.

Hi Backroads.

I love that you reverence missionary service. I do too. I don't like it when people mess around with missionary work or temple covenants. Some of the missionaries on my mission were doing some pretty questionable stuff. I was outraged that they weren't sent home. :)

It sounds to me like you just love your sister and you really want her to marry an honorable man. And when someone comes home for sinful reasons, its hard for you to respect them/recommend them to marry your sister. Am I close?

I think that there is a difference between judging and discerning, and I'm a fan of the latter. Just as we shouldn't use "RM" as the only measure of a person's character, we shouldn't use sin either. But I do think that by their fruits ye shall know them. My sister married an RM but he treated her terribly. We objected to the wedding on those grounds. It was a battle we all lost. She married him and he still treats her poorly. They fight all the time. But oh well, she married him! The only thing I can do is be there if she needs me at some point.

[Backroads]

You are pretty close. They've been dating for years and this kid hangs out at my parents all the time. He really is like a little brother. I think I therefore put on the same pedestal I put all brothers and expect a 2-year mission. I still think he's honorable (I would actually be shocked if he were home for sinful reasons) and a wonderful kid.

I just kept thinking "what if he's home just because he didn't feel like being out in the field?" (I'm beyond that now).

To me, that would be worse than coming home for sinful reasons.

[daboosh]

look, this kid is probably finding it hard enough to come home from a mission early despite the pressure to serve a 2 year honorable full time mission. all you and everyone else is doing is discouraging him

[Backroads]

look, this kid is probably finding it hard enough to come home from a mission early despite the pressure to serve a 2 year honorable full time mission. all you and everyone else is doing is discouraging him

Discouraging him from what? And what exactly would you have us do?