Step-parents obligation to Love

[Windseeker]

Some of you know I have 4 kids and remarried someone without kids. We have been married (temple) 5 years but only lived together for the last 2 years. It’s been a real struggle at times. My home environment and spirit is not where it should be. I really hate contention (unless I’m the cause :S (I notice)) and do everything to have peace. I’ve learned allot the last couple of years.

One of the things I still struggle with is what should be my expectations. When conflicts arise in my family should I be with the children or with my wife? My wife is a professional and very educated but has a temper and can be quite rude to the kids. She is not very warm or loving towards them, though I can’t begin to measure the sacrifice she makes for the kids (she often outdoes me in the time she spends on them, even burning her only day off to take care of them). She’s not used to it living with a family. She is very very quick to blame the kids for things especially when things go missing as they often do in a big families. She blames them for things I know they would never dream of doing, like misplacing her mixing bowls which I know they don’t use. For this reason the kids resent her and they don’t consider or recognize all the other things she does do for them. They also feel that she does not like them. Honestly I feel more peace when it’s just me and the kids. When I know she will be home alone with them I feel allot of anxiety because I’m not there to keep the peace or to smooth things out. Things I ignore with the kids, negative comments etc, she seems to pounce on them. She is under enormous pressure at home and since she is in the middle of her medical residency, unheard of pressure at work, mistakes = death, kind of thing.

I love her and my kids and just wish there was something I can do. My parents really didn’t like her at first and who adore their grandkids are very supportive of her and always advised me that the kids need to do more to contribute at home. They are typical kids who don’t do their chores unless asked but they are good kids.

Both of us have spoken with the Bishop separately and also together and all we really get is lots of sympathy for the very difficult position we are in. I just want to have peace. Sometimes I know I’m the only advocate for the kids and it’s just not what I expected when I made this commitment. When I advocate for them I know she feels alone. I also should be her advocate.

Any advice especially from those who have step kids will be helpful. I know you can’t force Love. Should I leave her if she doesn’t love the kids?

[applepansy]

We have contention in our home too. The family dynamics are different: Grandpa, Grandma, Daddy and Grandson. I'm the primary caregiver for my Grandson. There is a LOT of contention between Grandpa and Daddy and sometimes it boils over. More often than not lately. I talked to the Bishop on Sunday and got the same sympathy and reassurance that Grandpa is a good man and Son will grow up. But... as I explained to the Bishop, the contention stops now! And he supported me in that stance.

Your kids have to come first, because they are kids and because they were there first. They didn't ask for what they are dealing with and they don't have the maturity or skills to deal with a Mom who hasn't learned to love them regardless of what is happening.

Your wife needs support too. Good Grief!!! I cant' imagine doing a medical residency and trying to be mother/mom/disciplinarian to my own children let alone step children.

However, your wife is the adult and she has more control of her behavior than the children do. If things are going to work out she has to make a plan and take the first steps to earn the children's trust which is going to be hard now that she's lost it. She needs to be their friend and not their parent until they learn to trust again. Tough to do when she's with them alone and you're at work. She has had to take classes which should help her with these issues.

How old are the kids? Teenagers?

Don't leave her but you might have to do what my sister has done in her second marriage. She has a home with her boys and her husband has a home where he has his children on his weeks/weekends. They both hop back and forth between. Stressful them but stable for the kids.

[Guest]

The obligation to love is not just for parents, step-parents, siblings, friends... it's for EVERYBODY. It is so important that Jesus even tells us to love our enemies.

So, your problem here is not just a lack of love. Your problem here is RESPECT. Your wife is showing signs that she has no respect for your children. She is not emotionally invested in them, so she doesn't see them as anybody worthy of respect. This needs to change. And you're the only one who can trigger this change. But, in the meantime, while she's learning to show some respect for your children, you get to be the buffer between them. That means, if the problem with the mixing bowls occur, you get to take your wife aside and tell her kindly, but in no uncertain terms, that her behavior towards your children is not acceptable.

[annewandering]

I want to second the taking your wife aside to tell her that her her behavior is unacceptable. You do know it is possible one of your kids did move the mixing bowls?

You can not put your wife in a place of always being wrong or your kids of always being wrong. You do not have to chose sides of who to be loyal to. You need to be loyal to your FAMILY.

Your wife has a lot on her plate right now but she has to learn to parent and at the same time your kids need to learn that she IS a parent.

Do you have family home evenings together? If not because of her school do you make an attempt to do things as a family? Both fun and serious?

I would have a hard time dealing with four children all at once without getting practice one at a time from infancy. Perhaps she could have one on one time with each of your children?

I have a small amount of experience dealing with a stepchild. Very small. In the beginning I noticed he tried to put himself between his father and I whenever he could. Physically. We got along on a personal basis but he did not want me between them. I had to make it clear he was not between us but I was not between him and his father either. Perhaps there is some fear of that in your situation? This is one reason you cannot chose to side or 'defend' one over the other. You are all in this together.

[MorningStar]

These situations are so hard! One of my friends married a guy who had three kids and almost all of their fights were about the kids. She felt like he didn't expect enough out of them and expected her to clean up after them when they are able bodied. It's hard being a single dad, so most likely there were routines they just didn't have. Then in comes the new mom and she expects them to actually pick up after themselves and she has a greater need for cleanliness than the dad ever had.

His instinct was to protect the kids and he doesn't accept criticism well. To say that the kids aren't pulling their weight felt like an insult towards him and his single dad skills.

People who haven't had kids don't know what to expect or what's normal. Normal kid behavior is still very frustrating at times. Her anger towards the kids might actually be anger towards you that you didn't train them well enough and now she has to deal with it. I'm not saying you didn't train them well. What I'm saying is that before people have children, they make funny comments like, "My kid will never do that. I'll teach them respect. My kids will never throw tantrums because I will do x, y, and z to discpline them." She hasn't experienced having her own child and realizing that it's much harder than it looks.

I think you and your wife should have a talk about realistic expections for the kids and when it comes to enforcing rules, you need to be the heavy, but both of you need to be a united front. If she feels respected by the kids, she might start to feel like their mom rather than the enemy.

[applepansy]

When our oldest was about 14 and getting in some serious trouble we were referred to a family counseling program. In the end it really didn't help my then 14yo, but it did help the younger three.

I wonder if there might be something similar in your area. The family counseling really did help. It did not replace FHE but was something we did as a family as well as FHE. The counselors would break us out in groups, such as, parents with other parents, and kids with other kids their age... then each group would talk about issues and how best to solve the issues. Then we all came back together as a family and had dinner with the other families.

[classylady]

Hi Windseeker. I'm the stepmother to two amazing children (girl and boy). My husband had full custody of his two children when I married him. His children were 4 and 2 years old at the time. So, I pretty much raised them. I'm thinking, because they were so young when I married their father, that they had an easier time in accepting me. I did the disciplining along with my DH. That probably would not have worked if they were older when I married their father. DH and I had 5 children together, and we raised all 7 children together.

For the most part, things went rather smoothly. But, we did have our issues. My stepchildren visited their biological mother a couple times a month. We had to go to court to set up visitation. Their mother wanted to come and get the kids without any warning, and I needed to have advance notice. Court decreed she needed to give a month's advance notice.

When my stepdaughter became a teenager, it did get harder. She tended to be very judgmental, and most things I did (in her view) could not measure up to her biological mother. So, there was tension, but I ignored it for the most part, and did my best to show my love for her. My stepson didn't go through that emotional phase that teenage girls seem to.

Both are in their 30's now, both return missionaries, and now both married. My stepson, says that he always looked at me as his mother, not his biological mother. He loves his biological mother, but he says "you're the one who raised me, not her". My stepdaughter just told me several months ago, that she felt like she could never mention her biological mother in our home. And I apologized to her that she felt like she couldn't. She loves me too, and when she got married this past April, she made sure both biological mother and I had equal say in all her wedding plans, etc. (We, the mothers, were the ones to set up all the wedding details since my stepdaughter was living in So. Korea, and getting married here in the States).

Now, about love for stepchildren. I love my stepchildren with all my heart. I sacrificed for them, just like I did my own biological children. I treated them like my own. I would have given my life for them, just like I would for my own. But, I can tell I didn't bond with them when they were infants. And they didn't bond with me as infants. Without that bonding, I can tell there was a difference. And I think for my stepdaughter, she had that bonding with her biological mother as an infant. Naturally, as a person I am not perfect. Neither is the biological mother. But for some reason, it was much easier for the stepchildren to forgive the biological parent all her idiosyncrasies and faults, than it was to forgive me my own. I'm thinking it's because of the bonding.

There was love in our home. Disrespect for parents/adults was not tolerated. There was bickering amongst all the children, but nothing over-the-top. There were four boys total, and yes they were a handful. The three girls all had their emotional teen years. I'm thinking you need to set absolute rules about respect. Even if your children don't agree with their stepmother, they need to respect her. And she needs to respect them too. She needs to tell them she loves them. They need to hear it. Even if they don't want it, they need it. Do a little analysis of your situation. Are the children more tolerant of your mistakes than they are of your wife's? It could be because of the lack of bonding, not necessarily the lack of love.

You need to support your wife. I don't know how old your youngest is. But, eventually these children will be grown and gone. They need to know that you and your wife are a team. Your wife needs to know that the two of you are a team and that she is absolutely number one in your life. Your children, you and your wife all need to become a team/partnership--a family. Do things together, as a family, that will help you become that partnership/family. Go on vacations or camping together. Find something that you can tag as "your family's". Learn to have fun and laugh together. This will help bond all of you together. It's okay to make mistakes, but acknowledge the mistakes. Learn to apologize. Learn to ask for forgiveness and tolerance. This needs to be done by all parties. Be upfront with the children. Bring issues (without pointing a finger at someone specifically), and ask all for help in finding solutions.

There was some contention between my husband and myself when I felt he was choosing his ex-wife's wants/needs over my wants and needs. It did some damage to our marriage that still hasn't healed. There are no easy answers when emotions are involved. Good luck!

[Finrock]

I think this is good advice:

"You need to support your wife. I don't know how old your youngest is. But, eventually these children will be grown and gone. They need to know that you and your wife are a team. Your wife needs to know that the two of you are a team and that she is absolutely number one in your life. Your children, you and your wife all need to become a team/partnership--a family."

Thanks classylady, for posting it.

Regards,

Finrock

[Windseeker]

I wish I had time to respond to all the great posts. Thank you for everyone that contributed.

This came up because my son was playing Minecraft on xbox and wanted to show her something and she told him she didn't care to see it and that his game was boring.

When I came home there was a glum feeling in the house and yes, we did have family home evening. My wife gave the lesson and showed a BYU devotional video on our relationship to Heavenly Father. We don't really discuss feelings as a family because she feels everyone is blamming her.

My daughter (16) told me what happened and didn't like how he was treated. Now in her defense, she hates how much time my son spends on the xbox and he was probably on all day long as he had school off. I also get annoyed at times with my youngest (8) when he wants to discuss everything that happened in his game. He get's real excited, offers no context and it's near impossible to follow. I don't think what she said was appropriate or kind and maybe I need to sit him down and explain how it's hard for her to listen too, just like his brain would turn off if she started discussing some case from work.

I will talk to her, but bringing up anything like this usually ends up in her shutting me down right away, and If I persist on discussing it, leaving and spending the night at the hospital. Anything I bring up is the staw that broke the camels back.

I just feel like everyones love bucket is drained and I'm running around trying to keep them all filled. I feel like I'm not only one that cares about being a team or a partnership. I think everyone deserves better.

[MorningStar]

That's so hard. I get annoyed too when my kids become obsessed with video games. They are more likely to ignore me, so asking me to take notice of something that is a thorn in my side might get a similar reaction. So there's something to start with. You as their dad can set a rule about video game play. If x, y, and z aren't done, no video games. Otherwise they can have x amount of time and then choose to do something like play outside, practice music, draw, etc.

During a non-busy moment, I would maybe approach your wife and tell her you're thinking about how she might make a connection with each of the kids. Could they maybe go on short dates once a week? Tell her, "I think (fill in the name) was trying to reach out to you when he wanted to show you something in his video game, but I know that isn't a bonding thing for you. What could you do instead?" Just let her think that over and she might realize, "Oh man. That was really jerky of me." There are times I say things without thinking and I notice it myself later, "I could have been nicer about that.

My husband's family used to have an FHE chart with all of the responsibilities on there, but there was also "talk time with Mom" and "talk time with Dad". One child got to stay up a little bit to talk with their mom and another got to talk with their dad. Everyone coveted those spots.

Prayers for you!

[Finrock]

When I came home there was a glum feeling in the house and yes, we did have family home evening. My wife gave the lesson and showed a BYU devotional video on our relationship to Heavenly Father. We don't really discuss feelings as a family because she feels everyone is blamming her.

Windseeker, the general counsel is that we need to support our spouse above everything else, even our children. She is your eternal companion. She needs to know that you are loyal to her and support her.

Consider the following:

"If each spouse is forever seeking the interests, comforts, and happiness of the other, the love … will grow” (Spencer W. Kimball, Marriage and Divorce [salt Lake City: Deseret Book, Co., 1976], p. 23).

Unity in marriage is an important foundation for rearing children successfully. If a husband and wife do not support each other, they greatly weaken their influence with their children. However, if they are humble and strive to achieve greater unity, they can teach their children valuable lessons, both formally and informally.

In examining your role in promoting oneness in your marriage, consider the following questions:

• Do I acknowledge myself and my companion as persons of worth and value (see Ephesians 5:28–29)?

• Am I willing to see my partner as my best friend?

• Am I willing to put the interest of my marriage and partner first?

• Do I see how my selfish acts hurt my spouse?

• Do I seek spiritual guidance in resolving disagreements?"

Achieving Oneness in Marriage

Regards,

Finrock

[Windseeker]

My husband's family used to have an FHE chart with all of the responsibilities on there, but there was also "talk time with Mom" and "talk time with Dad". One child got to stay up a little bit to talk with their mom and another got to talk with their dad. Everyone coveted those spots.

Prayers for you!

Love the talk time idea!

Thank you.

[classylady]

I wish I had time to respond to all the great posts. Thank you for everyone that contributed.

This came up because my son was playing Minecraft on xbox and wanted to show her something and she told him she didn't care to see it and that his game was boring.

When I came home there was a glum feeling in the house and yes, we did have family home evening. My wife gave the lesson and showed a BYU devotional video on our relationship to Heavenly Father. We don't really discuss feelings as a family because she feels everyone is blamming her.

My daughter (16) told me what happened and didn't like how he was treated. Now in her defense, she hates how much time my son spends on the xbox and he was probably on all day long as he had school off. I also get annoyed at times with my youngest (8) when he wants to discuss everything that happened in his game. He get's real excited, offers no context and it's near impossible to follow. I don't think what she said was appropriate or kind and maybe I need to sit him down and explain how it's hard for her to listen too, just like his brain would turn off if she started discussing some case from work.

I will talk to her, but bringing up anything like this usually ends up in her shutting me down right away, and If I persist on discussing it, leaving and spending the night at the hospital. Anything I bring up is the staw that broke the camels back.

I just feel like everyones love bucket is drained and I'm running around trying to keep them all filled. I feel like I'm not only one that cares about being a team or a partnership. I think everyone deserves better.

If it was you that had said you weren't interested in seeing your son's game, would everyone be so quick to be judgmental? More than likely, everyone would have thought, "dad's tired", or something similar, and allowed you your moment of poor behavior. Unfortunately, stepmom doesn't get that same degree of tolerance. I'm afraid that I would shut you down too, if my imperfections were brought up. And I can see where your wife feels that everyone is blaming her. They probably are. Being a stepparent is hard!!! For some reason, the stepparent isn't offered the same degree of tolerance for imperfections that a biological parent is given.

[Windseeker]

Am I willing to put the interest of my marriage and partner first?

I am very open and try to see all sides. Thru my wifes persistence and patience (I suppose cause she's still with me) I have discovered how the guilt over past mistakes that may have contributed to the divorce caused me to spoil the kids and they were walking all over me. It wasn't good for the kids or me. I still do things that bug her, like make them sandwiches for school lunch, even though both of us made our own lunches from first grade on.

I think I do need to consider the kids. They had no choice in any of this. If it comes to abuse, any abuse, emotional abuse included, I would need to consider the needs of the kids first.

While I do think it's her obligation to love the kids, heck it's our obligation to love our enemies, let alone our step-kids. The response I got from my parents was "even if you feel she doesn't love the kids, you need to stay with her". They say this even though my parents thinking about their grandkids not being loved by someone brings them to tears.

For the most part my wife gets frustrated for valid reasons but she needs to learn to control the blaming and outbursts.

Edited September 18, 2012 by Windseeker

[annewandering]

Has she said she doesnt love the kids? Not being interested in a kids video game is not saying 'I dont love you'.

My gosh. How many times have my kids gone on and on about something I had no idea what they were talking about? I am sure I did the same with my mom.

To graduate med school has to require focus. A lot of focus. I can understand her not wanting to be caught up in listening about a video game she doesnt like or understand. Ok so she didnt listen to him. Did she listen another time?

Oh another idea. Ask her to consider this kind of listening to practicing her bedside manner as a doctor. If she cant listen to the kids she is not going to be able to listen to patients either. God has given her a free chance to learn to listen and learn empathy both to help in the family and her eventual medical practice.

[applepansy]

Where is the line between spoiling a child and serving a child (as Christ would serve)? Is making their lunch loving service or enabling a child to be dependent? Its a hard line to draw.

We teach our children, biological or step, by example. If we are modeling Christ-like behavior they will act more Christ-like in return...usually. You have to throw in the raging hormones and teen years, but for the most part a child treated with love and respect with model the behavior in return.

I agree you need to be on your wife's side, but nobody is perfect and if she isn't willing to see her mistakes and only sees the children's mistakes then there needs to be some counseling. None of us are perfect. Not parents, step parents, children, step children, grandparents, etc.

Another tool for communication is writing letters. It can work. It lets the feelings soften somewhat before there is a response. It takes the immediacy out of the argument and lessens contention. But there has to be rules. "It makes me feel such and such when you do whatever it is" "I believe you are saying this or that, is that what you mean?" No attacking. Start and end written communication with expressions of love.

[applepansy]

Has she said she doesnt love the kids? Not being interested in a kids video game is not saying 'I dont love you'.

My gosh. How many times have my kids gone on and on about something I had no idea what they were talking about? I am sure I did the same with my mom.

To graduate med school has to require focus. A lot of focus. I can understand her not wanting to be caught up in listening about a video game she doesnt like or understand. Ok so she didnt listen to him. Did she listen another time?

Oh another idea. Ask her to consider this kind of listening to practicing her bedside manner as a doctor. If she cant listen to the kids she is not going to be able to listen to patients either. God has given her a free chance to learn to listen and learn empathy both to help in the family and her eventual medical practice.

This is what I meant in my earlier post. She's learned in class how do do active listening. If she can't do it with the kids, I don't know how she will manage to do it with patients. Patients can be much more demanding. The only difference is there isn't an emotional (or shouldn't be) to the patient and there is with the children even if she doesn't show it.

[classylady]

Also, Windseeker, I was at one time a stepchild. My mother was widowed when I was approximately 7 years old. She had seven children, ranging from ages 15 months to 16 years. When I was in 7th or 8th grade, (does that put me around 14?) my mother remarried. It was not a fun experience for the younger three children--me being the oldest of the three. The older four children did not come to live in the new city and home. The marriage lasted about four months. I admit there was no love between my stepfather and me. I was at that difficult young teen age, where I was difficult to live with, and had no desire to have a stepfather in my life. I was grateful the marriage didn't last. And I'm thinking my stepfather was grateful to be rid of us. We weren't bad, just typical kids. My mother tells me, that she met her ex in the temple about twenty years later. He and his subsequent wife were temple workers and had been happily married for many years. My mother was wondering why it didn't work with her and her ex. I can tell you why--it was the kids. Kids put a whole different dynamic to a marriage. We weren't accepting of him, and he had a hard time dealing with us. Maybe, if they had stuck it out, and had discussions with us about our behavior, it could have worked out in the long run. Who knows what could have been?

I will reiterate what I said in an earlier post. Your wife needs to know that she is absolutely number one in your life. She needs to know that the two of you are a team.

[Guest]

I wish I had time to respond to all the great posts. Thank you for everyone that contributed.

This came up because my son was playing Minecraft on xbox and wanted to show her something and she told him she didn't care to see it and that his game was boring.

Wait a second. THIS is what caused the glum feeling in the house?

Whoa. Your wife may have a reason to shut you guys out. My kids are crazy about that game - we just had a minecraft bday party - and you won't believe how many times they start to yap about creepers and I tell them, "Nope, not interested. That's what your brother is for.". It's the same with their crazy Gangnam dance or some such. Just not interested. But then, they refuse to walk with me into Justice and Claire's. So they understand where I'm coming from. Okay, okay, so I will play their "I am a dwarf and I'm digging a hole" song in the car stereo which is so amazingly annoying I lose brain cells everytime I hear it.

So yeah, respect goes both ways. If your kids are being glum about your wife's disinterest about minecraft, they may be guilty of "let's find something about step-mommy we can complain about"...

[classylady]

Wait a second. THIS is what caused the glum feeling in the house?

Whoa. Your wife may have a reason to shut you guys out. My kids are crazy about that game - we just had a minecraft bday party - and you won't believe how many times they start to yap about creepers and I tell them, "Nope, not interested. That's what your brother is for.". It's the same with their crazy Gangnam dance or some such. Just not interested. But then, they refuse to walk with me into Justice and Claire's. So they understand where I'm coming from. Okay, okay, so I will play their "I am a dwarf and I'm digging a hole" song in the car stereo which is so amazingly annoying I lose brain cells everytime I hear it.

So yeah, respect goes both ways. If your kids are being glum about your wife's disinterest about minecraft, they may be guilty of "let's find something about step-mommy we can complain about"...

Anatess, I agree. And to take it a little farther, if the biological parent did the same behavior, kids probably wouldn't even have given it a second thought. But, if the stepparent does it, the kids are instantly judgmental.

I had a coworker, who was an adult with kids of his own. His mother had passed away a number of years ago, and his father remarried. Coworker would often come into work complaining about the new wife, saying how "crazy" she was. His father seemed to have no problems with his new wife, but the children (all adults) did. I would not have categorized her behavior as "crazy", but maybe a little eccentric. If she was the biological parent, the children probably would have laughed about her idiosyncrasies, and say something like "that's just mom".

[Windseeker]

Thanks again for all the sage advice. I decided to let this one go. I can see mistakes being made on both sides (between kids and wife) and for the most part they will need to figure it out. I can't make everything all better for everyone all the time. All I can do is support and love and provide context when needed.