Tryng to save marriage

[StillStanding]

I am a life long member but not active for alot of the time. My husband is a non member who is having an emotional/slightly physical affair with another mormon woman who is married(with a temple marriage). I have tried everything for the last two years to get them to stop and for my husband to be faithful to me. I can't stand the thought of leaving him and hurting our two children. I still love him very much I saw my bishop a couple of months ago but I didn't tell him her name.

I am unsure if going to see my bishop again would help or if there is anything that could be gained by me telling the bishop her name. Any advice?

[Misshalfway]

Wow. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Frankly, I'm surprised you've been as patient as you have been. Just so I understand....what happens when you confront your husband and demand his fidelity? Does he lie to you or put you off?

[Guest]

Go to marriagebuilders.com, find the forum for those recovering from an affair, and read. A lot.

[Anddenex]

I have yet to understand this type of compassion for a spouse, not to say it is wrong, I am just saying I do not understand it.

If my spouse was in a physical affair for two years, I would have left a long time ago. It would be obvious to me that my spouse did not care, and did not love me, if through my honest pleading they would not stop an adulterous relationship.

I wonder if it would be better on the kids, that you were happy, and not being pulled down by your husbands actions? However, in saying this, you are the only one that can answer this question, and that is between you and the Lord.

As pertaining to your last question, if my wife was having an affair with another men, and the wife of the man knew it. Yes, I would want to know myself so that I am not living in a delusion that my wife is faithful.

If the woman is an active member, temple marriage, then your Bishop needs to know and needs to inform her Bishop that her actions have left her unworthy to enter the temple, and possibly partake of the sacrament. Although, this would be the call of her Bishop.

But I would definitely want to know if this was my wife.

[StillStanding]

I get my patience from my mother. When I confront him he lies and says he wont see her but eventually I find out again and again. I thought it might end when her husband found out but no luck she is also lying to him. I will go to marriagebuilders and read. Any support helps.

[StillStanding]

I have stayed because I truly believe in the commitment of marriage and we have two children and I believe strongly in the family unit. That is why I feel I have to keep trying until there is no alternatives left before destroying there lives. But it hurts very much.

[Guest]

Of course he lies. Cheaters lie. It's what they do. Really, if you go to that forum you will learn a lot about what he does and what you can do to fight it and fight for your marriage. Good luck. Someone close to me is going through this right now and it's heartbreaking.

[John11111]

Untill you have been through it you never know how you will really react. I always thought id divorce also but I am still with my wife and happy now so...

Marriagebuilders is a wonderful resource and full of information and great advice it helped me so much to get through what is such a terrible experience. Start there, exposing the affair is one of the 1st steps in getting them to stop. I know you probably dont want to let other people know and want to save your spouse from embarassment and hurt but its necessary, affairs thrive on secrecy. Marriagebuilders will expound more on that so read through it and follow the advice given.

Again sorry you have to go through this but it can get better it seems you are willing to put the effort into saving your marriage hoepfully your spouse will also in time.

[StillStanding]

Thank you all. John you are right about the embarrassment and the shame. A few months ago I exposed the affair to my family and his family. I emailed the other woman and her husband and I thought it was done. But then her husband called me about a month ago and told me they were still having an affair all summer. My husband then told me he would cut off all contact which he didn't do since he confessed it to me this last week end that they are still in communication. I am still willing to try. I am already reading on marriagebuilders. All I can do is hope and pray that he sees what he is doing. He seems so blind to it all.

[talisyn]

Why should he stop? He gets you and his girlfriend, so there is no incentive to stop. I really hope the information you're reading helps your marriage!

[Wingnut]

Let's be clear: you leaving your husband and taking the kids with you is not what will hurt your children. His lying and unfaithfulness is what is hurting your children. That's on him, not on you.

[georgia2]

Tell your Bishop, and your husband. Tell him if it doesn't stop NOW then you AND the kids ARE GONE! You do not help your kids by staying with a liar and a cheater. It teaches them that this is acceptable and they will expect their spouse to hang on when they cheat and to let their spouse cheat and humiliate them. There are worse things a person can do other than leave a spouse. One of them is to stay married to a cheating, and abusive spouse. (He is abusing you AND your kids) Then tell her husband he is allowing her to hurt his kids as well. Our kids learn by example. If they end up together, they deserve each other.

[John11111]

Its good to see you be so strong, really get into that marriagebuilds site it explains so much and brings so much to light to help you get through this trying time. I knwo without the marriagebuilders site and the guidance of our heavenly father especially I dont think I would have made it through my wifes affairs.

He needs to cut off ALL CONTACT with the other woman period no if and or buts if it takes moving to another state to do so id say do it.

Its possible he needs a wakeup call many times an affair continues because he is gettings all his need met by 2 people. He continues to have an affair because the other woman is meeting one or more of his needs that you are not meeting...Now read on!

This may sound like I am blaming his affair on you I am not but it is one of the problems you will have to adress to fix your marriage. Often times it is the victim of the affair that has to start the process of repairing the marriage and not the adulterer this seems unfair and it is but someone has to break the cycle.

In marraige builders forums there is some very detailed plans on couples having trouble ending infidelity they are What Are Plan A and Plan B?

Plan A.)- Doing everything you can to meet your spouses needs and be loving and caring (this is very hard because being the victim often times this is the last thing you want to do and what yo expect the adulterer to be doing for you.)

If plan A fails it will be time to move on to

Plan B.) Complete seperation NO CONTACT - this plan opens your spouses eyes and lets them see now that you are gone what they are missing the adage of "you dont dont know what you have lost till its gone" applies here. Once your spouse sees that the other woman is not meeting all of the needs you were providing they see how crummy they really have it with the other woman. It also smacks them across the back of the head that there situation is serious you are not just throwing out empty threats and that there marriage is actually at risk.

You have a very difficult road ahead of you I will tell you now it will not be easy no matter how things turn out. Pray for strength and guidance from our heavenly father he will always be there for you.

Edited September 25, 2012 by John11111

[StillStanding]

Thank you. I have been reading and praying. I am trying to be stong but I is extremely difficult. I have started with plan A which I agree can be hard. I often feel like just hiding away or giving up. I will continue to try because I believe he is worth it.

[Misshalfway]

Thank you. I have been reading and praying. I am trying to be stong but I is extremely difficult. I have started with plan A which I agree can be hard. I often feel like just hiding away or giving up. I will continue to try because I believe he is worth it.

But isn't plan A exactly what you've been doing the last two years?? I actually think this plan is what is enabling your husband's patterns. He gets his fantasy life, and he gets a wife who is killing herself to make him happy. He's got the best of both worlds. Why would he change?

I know it's hard. I'm sure I'd feel like hiding away. Do it if you need to but only for a short time. Then find your strength and fight. Your children need to see your strength. They need an intact family, yes, but they also need to see an example of a woman who demands to be treated with respect.

[John11111]

Plan A is more specific, you make sure to do everything in your power to make your spouse happy to make them come back to you of there own will not through harsh words or coercion or negative feelings. If you are providing all there needs what need is there for another?

Also she may have een hanging in there and trying to be a good wife but she needs to make sure she is meeting ALL of his needs which are found on marriagebuilders site The Most Important Emotional Needs

Once she has done this for a while and he still doesnt turn around THEN it is time to move on to plan B.

At least then she can feel comforted in knowing she did ALL she could to try and save the marriage.

You may not think it but meeting 9/10 of his needs might not be enough that 10th need may be his greatest need and is whats keeing him away. This is how it was with my wife I thought I was a great husband and was doing 9/10 but that 10th thing was what she needed more then the other 9 things and she found someone else to meet it for her.

If he still doesnt turn around during Plan B then is nothing else she can do, she cannot force him to change she can only change herself. We can only pray that the lord will soften his heart and open his eyes to the hurt and pain he is inflicting on one of our Heavenly Fathers daughters.

Stillstanding hopefully things will turn around for you as they did for me hopefully your marriage can be saved and you guys can be truly happy again. Stay strong and may the Lord bless you with the strength you need to get through this trying time. It will not be easy even almost 2 years later for me I have trouble sometimes but in the end it will be worth it.

[Misshalfway]

Plan A is more specific, you make sure to do everything in your power to make your spouse happy to make them come back to you of there own will not through harsh words or coercion or negative feelings. If you are providing all there needs what need is there for another?

Also she may have een hanging in there and trying to be a good wife but she needs to make sure she is meeting ALL of his needs which are found on marriagebuilders site The Most Important Emotional Needs

Once she has done this for a while and he still doesnt turn around THEN it is time to move on to plan B.

At least then she can feel comforted in knowing she did ALL she could to try and save the marriage.

You may not think it but meeting 9/10 of his needs might not be enough that 10th need may be his greatest need and is whats keeing him away. This is how it was with my wife I thought I was a great husband and was doing 9/10 but that 10th thing was what she needed more then the other 9 things and she found someone else to meet it for her.

If he still doesnt turn around during Plan B then is nothing else she can do, she cannot force him to change she can only change herself. We can only pray that the lord will soften his heart and open his eyes to the hurt and pain he is inflicting on one of our Heavenly Fathers daughters.

Stillstanding hopefully things will turn around for you as they did for me hopefully your marriage can be saved and you guys can be truly happy again. Stay strong and may the Lord bless you with the strength you need to get through this trying time. It will not be easy even almost 2 years later for me I have trouble sometimes but in the end it will be worth it.

I don't have any dispute with trying to meet the emotional needs of the spouse. It's absolutely part of what makes marriage work and certainly part of healing wounds. But truthfully, it sounds like she's done that. She's tried everything to make him happy. She tries to engage him. She tries to access him. And he blocks her with placations and lies. It's like she's in a constant state of endless rubix cubing as she tries to guess what the magic recipe might be. That sounds like insanity to me. And my fear is that she is losing herself. And that's not good for anybody....especially those kids.

And while I appreciate that people tend to want to stay with the person who meets their needs effectively, I don't subscribe to the idea that it's a spouses job to do the need meeting alone. It's not my responsibility to read my husband's mind from moment to moment. Nor is it his to guess what I am longing for. No one person can do that! It's impossible.

Meeting needs in marriage is a partnership. We have to ask for what we need. And we have to give our partner access so the need can get met. Yes we are perceptive beings and we can make some educated guesses about meeting needs. We can read internet lists and follow it to the letter. But unless this husband man's up and starts facing his own responsibilities to meeting his emotional needs in the marriage, this wife will be spinning her wheels.

On another note......there are different kinds of affairs. Some really are about meeting un met needs. Others are about emotionally numbing out and escape. They are specifically designed to prevent intimacy and bonding. So if the reason for the affair isn't about need meeting, this strategy won't work.

And that phrase...."being a good wife". Why does that feel like nails on a chalkboard?

[Guest]

Plan A does ***** at your sensibilities and sense of fairness, for sure. But if you read there about how to do it and why (and regardless of how it sounds at first, you're not being a doormat. . . you can still tell the spouse you're not accepting the affair and how it's breaking your heart, you just have to do it right), it's about fighting for your marriage and reminding your spouse of what they're letting go of. And there is a time limit on how long you do it before you escalate to plan B.

I think it's a very hard and courageous thing to do.

Edited September 29, 2012 by Eowyn

[Misshalfway]

Well, that helps me a little.

[John11111]

Yes there is limits placed on Plan A its not just all self sacrifice. If we continue to say well hes not meeting my needs why should I meet his needs, he will say she is not meeting my needs so why shoudl I meet hers. This cycle goes around and around and around and it doesnt end and the marriage suffers someone has to break that cycle and start meeting those needs.

Marrige builders explains that meeting your spouses needs without having your needs met as well for too long can be very damaging to the relationship and ourselves.

Thats why we say to go read the marriage builders site It is pages and pages and pages long. These short posts we are making are only showing a tiny part of the whole and hardly do the marriagebuilders site justice. This is why to those of you here who have only read these snippets we posted think we might be a little nuts =p.

I like to reference the site so much because I have used it extensively and it has done wonders in our marriage it may not be for everyone but I dont see how the advice listed there wouldnt enrich and uplift anyones marriage.

[StillStanding]

I confronted him again with more email account names that I found. One of them is partially encrypted. I don't think he has any intent to ever let me see them. He told me last week after I spoke with the OW's husband that it was over between them because she was tired of the melodrama. I am hoping that it might be true, but I don't trust that it is and I still find it difficult not knowing what is contained in the secret email accounts. I still feel like secrets are still being kept from me and that he is still hiding it. I am still trying Plan A with all might heart but it is really hard with all the doubt I have. I still find it difficult to comprehend how another woman who was raised Mormon could do this. I am not saying that I don't blame my husband - I do. But I was raised with the values of the church and would never allow myself to do something so harmful and selfish. Right now I am going to keep praying and reading.

[John11111]

It seems you are still struggling with understanding the whys this was a big step to overcome for me. I HAD TO KNOW why, how could it happen, was it something I could have done, etc. Knowing this was a big step towards getting past it all. Steps to Recover from an affair/infidelity in marriage

Keep reading the marriagebuilders site read ALL OF IT not just the parts you think you need to know about. Go back through often and reread try to focus on the areas you feel you are currently at.

Is there anyway you guys can get the other woman out of the picture entirely? She needs to be out of your lives completely what is the situation with that now? Is she a coworker someone who goes to your ward?

Where is your husband at now with all of this? Is he willing to try marriage counseling or work on the marriage?

Also on the marriagebuilders forums Operation Investigate - Marriage Builders® Forums affairs thrive on secrecy and those secrets need to be brought to light.

[StillStanding]

Since this has been going on so long, I understand why it started. I was not meeting his emotional needs. We had been married for over ten years at that point and I thing we both got complacent and I know that and have spent the last two years trying to get us back on tract.

He knew this woman before we got married an met up with her a decade later through facebook. He had told me about her and that she was also mormon and married with children and I figured it was okay for them to be friends because in my wildest dreams I never imagined that a mormon woman married in the temple would ever do something like this. I didn't think my husband and the father of my children would betray me. That was the biggest mistake I ever made.

I hate the idea of having to move to another state to get away from her. I don't even know if my husband would do that. She is not a co-worker or in my ward, but they don't seem to be able to leave each other alone.

We are once again at the point where he is telling me that he is having no contact with her. But this pattern has been going on for a year. Him denying it until I find proof that he is lying and then I confront him and he says they are not going to have contact and it is that way till I find out again.

I think I struggle with all the lies and secrets. I really could use the radical honesty but I don't think he will ever come truly clean with me. I know there are still secret accounts But he still puts me off about them. Does it all ever get easier?

[applepansy]

How long are you going to share him before you draw a line in the sand?

[Guest]

Have you requested a polygraph test? You'll drive yourself nuts wondering if he's being honest until you do. Tell him you want one and make the appointment. How he reacts to that will tell you a lot. Then FOLLOW THROUGH. Make a list of the questions you have that are driving you crazy, and have them asked at the polygraph. If he passes, you lay it to rest and work with him on rebuilding your marriage, if that's what you choose to do. If he fails, you need to think about some things. How long are you giving plan A? It will be easier for you I think if you know you have just so long to do it. You've exposed; you might do it again. Let people know the affair is ongoing. Tell more people. Tell your bishop you haven't been able to get him to stop. Get in contact with her bishop. Tell your home teachers. Tell the EQ president and the RS president. Exposure blows an affair to pieces because if they can't keep it secret, it loses its steam and excitement. If wide exposure and plan A don't do the trick within the time limit you've set with yourself, move on to full plan B.