Breakup before Mission

[Ownfir]

Hello everyone,

This is going to be a rather long post, so I'll try to put a TL;DR at the end to spare you the reading.

Almost 2 weeks ago my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me seemingly out of nowhere. She is 18 in 5 days, and I'm currently 19, about to serve my mission in 2 months. When she brought it up, I actually had to force it out of her as we were together and I could just tell something had been bothering her the past couple of days prior to that. So we talked and she told me that she doesn't want to do it but that she had received signs from the spirit that it was meant to happen and that she didn't feel right dating me anymore, claiming that she was giving up the perfect relationship. She told me that I didn't do anything wrong and that she felt she was distracting me. I of course tried to tell her otherwise. We had talked in the past and agreed that we would stay together until I left, and then we would just acknowledge that she was free to date others, and live her life however she wanted without my intervention.

At the end of the night we agreed to sleep on the decision, and talk to each other the next day.

So the next day comes around and she doesn't talk to me at all, and vice versa. Finally she sends me a text and I just blurting out my emotions so we agree to meet in person. When we meet in person, we agree that we just need to be friends and start "cooling off" our relationship, which was already very non-romantic as it is due to us trying to make the transition easier when I leave. We hung out that night, and while it was a bit awkward everything was honestly really pretty good.

The next morning I texted her as usual, and she didn't respond. A week went by and she basically had almost completely cut contact with me aside from a few texts here and there to basically let me know that she was alive. I finally asked her about it last friday and she told me that she didn't know why she was doing it and that she's never been in a break up before. I had a hunch that she may have been talking to another guy, so I asked if that was the case. She responded that she had been speaking to a guy from Utah (my age) to help her get through this, but she swore up and down that he had nothing to do with the decision to break up with me. Naturally this made me pretty angry. Number 1 because I feel like he probably did convince her to break up with me given that I know how guys work. Number 2 because she felt the need to go to him instead of me to talk about our relationship before asking my thoughts on breaking up, and she barely knows this guy.

I told her that I actually did want to be friends with her and that I understood the ramifications of our relationship. I explained that I don't care if we have a romantic relationship, I just want to be able to talk to her because she's my only LDS friend and one of the only people who understands me. (I'm a recent convert as of a year and a half ago.) She agreed to try harder, etc. We ended the call later and I knew that she wasn't going to change anything. I cried for awhile and prayed extremely hard until finally I got an answer.

I realized the reason why she broke up with me and why H.F. gave her the sign to. Long story short, my testimony and reasons for going on a mission revolved around pleasing her, and I knew that I had to change that before I went.

I let her know what I discovered a few days later, hoping that she would feel some relief as well, and while she sent me a genuine text message (seriously, the first one that actually felt like it was her talking and not just a person who didn't know me), that was the end of it.

She claims to be too busy to text me or hang out with me, and that she's just a bad communicator. She told me that since I'm no longer a priority in her life, she didn't feel any reason to talk to me.

So now we get to the part as to why I'm posting this.

These past two weeks I've started to fall into a really bad depression. I've prayed harder than ever before and even consulted with my Bishop, which helped a lot. He's going to start meeting with me on a weekly basis to ask how I'm doing, however it's inbetween that gets me.

I've been spending the past two weeks almost entirely at my best friend's house, however he is starting to get annoyed of me, and my family is too. None of them seem to understand why I'm not over it yet. When I tried talking to my ex about what I was going through, she told me I was just being melodramatic and that it the whole thing wasn't as bad as I was making it sound.

My mind can't comprehend how one day we were so happy and good, and then the next day she just breaks up with me and suddenly doesn't care about me or have a desire to talk to me.

While I understand WHY she broke up with me, and why I've been given this trial, I don't understand how she just suddenly can be okay with this. Nobody i've talked to gets it either, and couldn't believe it was true when they found out.

I don't think she's talking to the guy from Utah romantically, however I can't help but feel like she's probably talking to him on a much more regular basis than myself.

I think I'm doing everything right at this point. I've tried to seek Heavenly Father as much as possible, tried to seek out my family and friends, and I've tried to give her as much space as possible, only texting her when she texts me, or once every couple of days unless she responds. Nothing angry or demeaning. I've even told her that I have no ill feelings against her, but that I want to just be able to talk to her like an actual friend.

This girl brought me to the Church, and really changed my life in more ways than I know. While I understand that there will be others like her, it's knowing that I may never talk to her again. My family isn't LDS and while I'm on my mission, I know they'll write to me but it won't be the greatest support by any means. (Neither my Mom, nor Dad completely support me going, or me being LDS.)

The thought of leaving on my Mission with nobody back home kills me. Having her (and her family) to talk to was something I really had looked forward to, it's hard for me to just let this fall away. I don't wan't to imitate no-contact for that reason alone, and because we broke up on amicable terms. I do believe that she actually want's to be my friend, but that she doesn't know how to do that and hold back her previous feelings at the same time. We've seen each other once, for about 5 minutes, since the day after the breakup. And it was because she was extremely sick so I dropped by to bring her soup and ask how she was doing. (As a friend, nothing more. I even explained this to her and that I've done this for my friends too.) Seeing her basically made my day, and next day too.

I don't care if we continue kissing or expressing our love for each other, I seriously just want to be her friend. I completely agree that right now I shouldn't be romantically involved with her before I go, and that H.F. has a plan for me.

TL;DR Girlfriend of 2 years who I love like crazy broke up with me. We agreed to be friends but she is making next to zero effort to talk to me, and I'm starting to get really depressed- and distracted from my mission ahead.

So what do I do from here? And how can I get support? I don't want to fall into this depression more than I already have. I haven't really been eating, I hate getting out of bed, and doing things that I love takes far to much energy now. Every time I'm alone, all I can think about is the good times we had. I've been full out crying multiple times a day, and at night- Something I don't think I've ever done in my life. My father is my employer and has tried to be understanding but he's getting irritated that my focus isn't on his company right now, which i'm trying to correct. When I'm with my friend I get distracted which is good, but he's starting to get bummed out that I'm not back to normal and my depression is subsequently starting to bring him down, and cause problems with his Girlfriend and Him. Naturally I don't want this, so I'm trying to limit myself from being with him 24/7 and trying to find a way to cope without his help.

I'd appreciate any advice you guys have to offer or stories of something similar that happened to you. It helps to know I'm not the only one going through this.

[Guest]

What do you do? Stop chasing her and focus on your mission. Easier said than done, I know.

[Ownfir]

What do you do? Stop chasing her and focus on your mission. Easier said than done, I know.

I guess I already know that's what I need to do. I just need some advice on how to go about doing that, rather than sulking around and feeling sorry for myself.

Like I said, I've been trying to give her as much space as possible, and I don't have any expectation that we'll get back together. I really don't feel that I'm chasing her, but I do feel that focusing on my mission is extremely hard right now when all I can think about it is her and I. Is that the right thing to think? Haha, obviously not. I know that...just having trouble getting my mind to focus on what's actually important right now.

[Guest]

I promise I'm not trying to be flip. I know this is hard. That first heartbreak is so painful, and it will take time to get over.

Take my word, sitting around licking your wounds and waiting for it to get better isn't going to change anything. It will just prolong the pain. So, what are you doing to refocus your heart? It's good that you have a job and you're working. . .maybe a little harder that you're working with your dad. If he was an anonymous boss, your heart might not be on your sleeve so much. Try your best to throw yourself into the work. You have the advantage of being a guy here. From what I understand, men can be more focused on one thing at a time, so if you're really doing your best to do the best work you can at your job, it should be harder for your mind to wander to her. If you just cannot do that, and you're crying through your days, maybe you need to look into being on an anti-depressant for a short time to get you through.

Outside of work, you've got to keep yourself busy and fill up time. No more sitting in your room playing love songs and crying for your lost girl. :) Here are some suggestions:

Start preparing your mission papers. This is surprisingly time-sucking, considering health exams and everything.

Go on splits with the missionaries.

Take Institute classes.

Take non-religious classes. Learn something new.

Get a second job.

Go do fun things with your friends that don't involve talk time, like paintball and gocarts and things like that.

Do fun things with your siblings.

Get involved in your local single's ward/branch, if you can; not to date, but to be a part of the zillion activities a week most of them do.

Find as many places to serve as you can. Lose yourself in serving other people.

Naturally in the course of this, you should be praying for strength. Prepare to go to the temple, and once you do, go back often.

Good luck!

[Ownfir]

I promise I'm not trying to be flip. I know this is hard. That first heartbreak is so painful, and it will take time to get over.

Take my word, sitting around licking your wounds and waiting for it to get better isn't going to change anything. It will just prolong the pain. So, what are you doing to refocus your heart? It's good that you have a job and you're working. . .maybe a little harder that you're working with your dad. If he was an anonymous boss, your heart might not be on your sleeve so much. Try your best to throw yourself into the work. You have the advantage of being a guy here. From what I understand, men can be more focused on one thing at a time, so if you're really doing your best to do the best work you can at your job, it should be harder for your mind to wander to her. If you just cannot do that, and you're crying through your days, maybe you need to look into being on an anti-depressant for a short time to get you through.

Outside of work, you've got to keep yourself busy and fill up time. No more sitting in your room playing love songs and crying for your lost girl. :) Here are some suggestions:

Start preparing your mission papers. This is surprisingly time-sucking, considering health exams and everything.

Go on splits with the missionaries.

Take Institute classes.

Take non-religious classes. Learn something new.

Get a second job.

Go do fun things with your friends that don't involve talk time, like paintball and gocarts and things like that.

Do fun things with your siblings.

Get involved in your local single's ward/branch, if you can; not to date, but to be a part of the zillion activities a week most of them do.

Find as many places to serve as you can. Lose yourself in serving other people.

Naturally in the course of this, you should be praying for strength. Prepare to go to the temple, and once you do, go back often.

Good luck!

Haha, I guess I should have mentioned my papers are already sent in and done. I already got my call and have nearly everything in order to leave. :)

I'm going to start going to mission prep classes again, and If I can work in Institute that would be great. I've done temple prep already and If all goes well I'll get my temple recommend this Sunday.

I don't have many friends, however everything you described is everything I'm doing on that end.

As far as Singles ward I think that's a great idea. I don't live at home, so my family doesn't experience the bulk of this at all, and my sister lives across the country.

Nonetheless, what you said was strangely reassuring and you gave me some really good suggestions. Thanks. :)

[Guest]

Congrats on your call, and you're welcome!

Do you remember a few years ago in a conference talk, Elder Wirthlin talked about the principle of compensation? Basically that for anyone striving to live the Gospel, there is nothing lost that won't be compensated in some way. For me, it was being led to a wonderful man who is truly my other half in every way, and having my eyes opened to the fact that the other guy and I weren't really right for each other. I am happier in my marriage than I ever imagined being, and thank Heavenly Father for the trial of losing that first love. Not only am I better off, but I've grown and learned much going through it. You will, too. :)

[Ownfir]

Congrats on your call, and you're welcome!

Do you remember a few years ago in a conference talk, Elder Wirthlin talked about the principle of compensation? Basically that for anyone striving to live the Gospel, there is nothing lost that won't be compensated in some way. For me, it was being led to a wonderful man who is truly my other half in every way, and having my eyes opened to the fact that the other guy and I weren't really right for each other. I am happier in my marriage than I ever imagined being, and thank Heavenly Father for the trial of losing that first love. Not only am I better off, but I've grown and learned much going through it. You will, too. :)

Sadly I wasn't a member that long ago! I just converted last July. It was this girl that led me to the gospel, so that has been part of the battle.

I wouldn't say this is my first love though, but definitely the most serious.

Regardless, I know that there is someone else out there for me, and that has been reassuring. I'm getting my Patriarchal blessing this week and I can't wait to see what it says. I'll look up that talk though, it sounds wonderful.

Thanks again

[seeking_peace]

You mentioned that you were going to miss the support of your ex and her family. How close were you to her family? did you have the kind of relationship where you could talk? If so, use them as a source of support.

My son is your age, and his first girlfriend just broke up with him. It hurts me to see him heartbroken, but if she ever came to me with a problem or wanting answers, I would certainly support and love her.

[Ownfir]

You mentioned that you were going to miss the support of your ex and her family. How close were you to her family? did you have the kind of relationship where you could talk? If so, use them as a source of support.

My son is your age, and his first girlfriend just broke up with him. It hurts me to see him heartbroken, but if she ever came to me with a problem or wanting answers, I would certainly support and love her.

I was very close to her dad and looked at him as a second father. He ordained me as an Aaronic priest and as a Melchizedek priest. When I go through the temple, I've asked him to be my escort.

I've already expressed to him that I want to remain close to him and told him how grateful I am for his guidance and support. I just don't want him to feel a conflict of interest between his daughter and myself. I'm sure she wouldn't mind but I imagine she would find it strange.

[Vort]

I was very close to her dad and looked at him as a second father. He ordained me as an Aaronic priest and as a Melchizedek priest.

Can you provide a bit more detail about how he ordained you a Melchizedek priest?

[Guest]

My nephew was engaged to a girl who he introduced to the church. Our family became very close to her, and her family is very NOT LDS, though they are loving and try to be supportive. Nephew and this girl ended up breaking it off. Our family was her main spiritual support, and BIL (nephew's dad) had baptized and confirmed her. She is still a good friend of the family, though she keeps her distance from nephew (appropriately, since he just married someone else). We still love her and rejoice in her spiritual journey. She just went on a mission, and the chapel at her farewell was full of our family.

It's okay to keep a friendly relationship with her family, if they're okay with it. Protect your heart and don't try too hard to maintain a friendship with her right now*. But if her dad is something of a priesthood mentor and you're all comfortable with that relationship continuing, keep it!

*I don't believe that a romantic relationship can usually go back to a friendship. The way I see it, I have plenty of friends, and don't need the mess of ex-sweethearts and all those old feelings in my life.

[Ownfir]

Can you provide a bit more detail about how he ordained you a Melchizedek priest?

Not sure if ordained was the right word. He was the one to bless me for my Aaronic priesthood, and he laid his hands upon my head (along with 5 others) when I received the Melchizedek priesthood, and gave me the Melchizedek priesthood blessing. (Stating my full name, giving me the priesthood, etc.)

My father is not a member and he is the closest thing I have to an LDS father so I asked him to do it.

Why do you ask?

Eowyn,

I understand your view about ex's completely. I understand how that goes.

I'm kind of just playing it day by day. I still plan to talk with her family and everything else. I'm leaving it up to her if she wants to be friends or not. Obviously I'd like to stay friends, especially because I want to be able to write back to her. She understands me better than anyone else I know so loosing that line of support is tough. Albeit, potentially necessary. I'm going to take your advice though and not press for a friendship until she feels ready, and try to move on myself. It's a huge bummer to say that but I think right now that may be the best course of action.

Edited September 25, 2012 by Ownfir

[Vort]

Not sure if ordained was the right word. He was the one to bless me for my Aaronic priesthood, and he laid his hands upon my head (along with 5 others) when I received the Melchizedek priesthood, and gave me the Melchizedek priesthood blessing. (Stating my full name, giving me the priesthood, etc.)

My father is not a member and he is the closest thing I have to an LDS father so I asked him to do it.

Why do you ask?

Just curious. What Priesthood office do you hold? High priest?

[Ownfir]

My nephew was engaged to a girl who he introduced to the church. Our family became very close to her, and her family is very NOT LDS, though they are loving and try to be supportive. Nephew and this girl ended up breaking it off. Our family was her main spiritual support, and BIL (nephew's dad) had baptized and confirmed her. She is still a good friend of the family, though she keeps her distance from nephew (appropriately, since he just married someone else). We still love her and rejoice in her spiritual journey. She just went on a mission, and the chapel at her farewell was full of our family.

It's okay to keep a friendly relationship with her family, if they're okay with it. Protect your heart and don't try too hard to maintain a friendship with her right now*. But if her dad is something of a priesthood mentor and you're all comfortable with that relationship continuing, keep it!

*I don't believe that a romantic relationship can usually go back to a friendship. The way I see it, I have plenty of friends, and don't need the mess of ex-sweethearts and all those old feelings in my life.

Just curious. What Priesthood office do you hold? High priest?

Nope, I'm an Elder.

[daboosh]

off topic, where are you going on your mission? 2 months will fly by bro.

[RMGuy]

She'll be married about the same time you make DL.

-RM

[J-DawgFluffy]

She'll be married about the same time you make DL.

-RM

I'm guessing this happened to you?

Your story is so much like what I went through at your age.

I was born a member and I had several girlfriends throughout middle and high school. But "M" was my HS sweetheart. We met the summer before my junior year, as her "dance partner and practically a brother" was my best friend. She and I hit it off well, and because she and I both wanted to finish HS single (she was a senior that year) we became very close, and became best friends. Well, we met in July and in March we started dating. She and I fell in love very quickly, and became very close. (Those who didn't know us thought we were married. We had several people ask us that over the course of our relationship.) Well, about 2 years after we met, she had to move across the country. We stayed together, but things got bad. We started having fights. Her mom (who I was also very close to) wasn't happy with me and things I was doing. By Oct (2008), things were at a breaking point. She called me and broke up with me on the 29th. My world completely collapsed. I stopped working on my mission papers. I stopped caring about anything. I went into a very deep depression, and like you, no one understood why it was taking so long for me to get over her. It took a while. Close to a year.

Some advice:

She hurts too. She had the advantage knowing this was going to happen, but she hurts too. Just because she isn't in the depths of despair doesn't mean she is okay. When M broke up with me, she didn't show a lot of outward grief from what I've heard. the kid who introduced us saw her 2 months later, and he told me a lot of things about what she was doing at the time, and she didn't seem like a girl on the rebound at all. But he did tell me he knew she was hurting.

Just give it time. True love can be very painful to lose like this, and the closer y'all were, the harder. Just give it time.

You can't be friends. Not now, and not likely ever. You'll eventually be okay with that, but the sooner you get that concept of still friends out of your head, the quicker healing will take place. like the quote says, "Being friends with your ex is like keeping your dead dog."