Guest Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 The problem is, the emotions sneak up on you, then you have a bunch of hurt and mess that could have been avoided. So your male friends can find someone else to confide in. Otherwise you're basically choosing the risk of hurting your spouse over hurting the feelings of a friend who can talk to other friends. Your spouse only has one spouse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milluw Posted October 3, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 Discard? Who said anything about discarding friendships? I have never discarded a friendship just because I got married and make my husband my priority. Genuine friends understand this lifestyle change. When you get married, your focus and attention is on your spouse, and everything else is second fiddle.I don't understand what the put-off is with having certain boundaries in a relationship. I choose not to engage in 1-1 activities with male friends to show respect for my spouse. I choose it. Fortunately, my husband and I are on the same page and uphold the same boundaries. I don't see why setting up boundaries is so difficult to swallow for some people. If you could lessen the odds of placing yourself in inappropriate situations - wouldn't you?Discard may have been a wrong term to use. That is why i wrote "in a sense". (Pardon my bad english^ ^)I wouldn't say offputting, right now i just dont understand some things about it. That is why im writing here, to hear other peoples opinions and views. I think that certainly there are right and wrong circumstances to where you hang out. But the idea of supervision, reporting back about everything to your spouse, just seems so put a real string on your friendship. I know that i have some friends that has gotten married. Suddenly, if i confide in them, ive been surprised to know that im confiding in both of them, as everything has to be told. Not that i mind and that i have any secrets, but it does kind change as in you start speaking couple to couple, rather than individual to one another. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milluw Posted October 3, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 The problem is, the emotions sneak up on you, then you have a bunch of hurt and mess that could have been avoided. So your male friends can find someone else to confide in. Otherwise you're basically choosing the risk of hurting your spouse over hurting the feelings of a friend who can talk to other friends. Your spouse only has one spouse.I can see the point in that, yeah. That is also why i said in the beginning that i understand the sentiment of it. Still i cannot help but feel that it is slightly too drastic to just stop confiding or being confided to by all of your male friends. Some part of me probably thinks that it is a waste of a good friendship, assuming things would go that way, when it might have never. And that is should not be neccisary to choose between your spouse and other male friends. On the other hand, i might just be a bit bummed by the idea, because i just realised i then would have to at some point change like that with what is the majority of my friends..I dont know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beefche Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 It's a natural change, at least it was for me. I'm a very chatty, friendly person who probably overshares too much of my life. But, as I have developed my relationship with my husband (we've been married 15 months), I find that my loyalty to him and respect for he and our relationship grows. And as a result, I find that I want to avoid even the appearance of something inappropriate. So, my friendships with my male friends have changed. We are still friends, but our interactions are not as intimate as they were before. Now, I am only intimate with my husband. Even my relationship with my best friend (who is female) has changed. I owe complete fidelity and loyalty to my husband. Even though I've been best friends with my friend for about 25 years, my husband comes before her. Our change in the friendship isn't a bad change to me, it's just a change. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bini Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 My friends (all of them) know that what they tell me, potentially, will be known to my husband as well. So what it boils down to is this: if you want to take your secret to the grave - you better not confide it to me because I do share everything with my husband. Doesn't mean that I tell him everything right off the bat - sometimes I don't think about it right away but eventually, it comes up in our conversations. So when one of my girl friends is having man trouble, and they use me as their sounding board, chances are my husband knows what's going on too.I don't ever feel like I'm "reporting" to my husband. He IS my bestfriend and confidante, and therefore, I share everything that goes on with me and around me - with him :] That's how we roll. It's so comforting to know that he's there for me. That I can tell him anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leah Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 No, what i mean is that if those feelings should occur, i would first then set the boundery and pull back from the friendship. In stead of pulling back in a way, when that might have not even been the case.You set the boundaries FIRST, to prevent those feelings from forming in the first place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 (edited) anatess, it sounds to me as if you are saying your husband or you won't cheat because it just isn't "you". And sorry, but I don't buy it. We all have the potential to commit sin, even something as awful as adultery. Just thinking, "I can handle this" isn't enough in today's world of temptation and sin.Most people don't start out thinking they are just gonna go commit adultery. So many, many times it starts off as a friendship. Alone time with someone. Confiding in someone. It's the little things that lead to greater issues. Not all marriages will need the same boundaries for friendship with the opposite sex, but some boundaries are needed. A couple needs to discuss this (prior to marriage is ideal, but at least after marriage) to decide what is best for them individually and as a couple.I did not say that boundaries are not needed. I said that you need to make sure you have established a "Personal Code" and actively, 24/7, work on mastering yourself to abide by such code.This is really the same as people who do not allow their children to play with non-members because they might be tempted to leave the Church. Or people who will not use a computer because they might be tempted to watch pornography, etc. etc. I'm not saying that's the "wrong thing" to do. I am saying that the problem is not solved by isolating yourself from non-members or banning computers. Or on the other side of the stick, that you are "safe" because you isolated yourself so. One thing that is certain is that this isolation prevents us from gaining the praiseworthy benefits of deep friendships and the praiseworthy benefits of using a computer. If one feels that the risk of pornography is greater than the benefits of the computer, then that's their choice to make. Each person has a different level of self-mastery. Edited October 3, 2012 by anatess Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beefche Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 Let me see if I understand you correctly. You are saying that everyone should have a personal code of conduct and then stick with it. Is that right? If that is right, then how do you explain people who commit adultery (or some other sin)? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 I did not say that boundaries are not needed. I said that you need to make sure you have established a "Personal Code" and actively, 24/7, work on mastering yourself to abide by such code. Does that also include raging anger that includes throwing things? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Backroads Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 Let me see if I understand you correctly. You are saying that everyone should have a personal code of conduct and then stick with it. Is that right?If that is right, then how do you explain people who commit adultery (or some other sin)?Human nature and our tendency to sin despite the best of intentions? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beefche Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 Human nature and our tendency to sin despite the best of intentions?Of course, but from what I'm understanding from anatess, the boundaries don't matter. It's all about a personal code. And my point is, EVERYONE has a personal code. They differ from person to person, but everyone has a code.And I would venture to say that a strong percentage of people who commit adultery did not set out to do so. Because they have personal codes and never once thought that they would ever break those codes. But, they do break them. That's why I think that some boundaries are needed. Again, those boundaries will vary from person to person and couple to couple. But, to say that it isn't about trust or that setting up the boundaries to be restrictive isn't the answer, is to me simply wrong.But to each his own. Is now a good time to mention the pirate's code? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Backroads Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 I only read the last of anatess' posts, but she didn't seem to be against boundaries persay. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Searching_For_The_Truth Posted October 9, 2012 Report Share Posted October 9, 2012 This is a question that constantly comes up for me. I get along better with my female friends more than my male friends, and my girlfriend is the same. We have a had many discussions on this topic and we both believe that having friends of the opposite sex is "ok". We are both "ok" with the other going out doing things with our friends, but when out with those friends one should take precautions to prevent comprimising situations, such as making it a group activity, being in public, and not being alone in private places (ie homes)... This is going to be an area that you will need to evaluate with the person you are with, as the ideas of each person vary and may the may not be open to this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leah Posted October 9, 2012 Report Share Posted October 9, 2012 This is a question that constantly comes up for me. I get along better with my female friends more than my male friends, and my girlfriend is the same. We have a had many discussions on this topic and we both believe that having friends of the opposite sex is "ok". We are both "ok" with the other going out doing things with our friends, but when out with those friends one should take precautions to prevent comprimising situations, such as making it a group activity, being in public, and not being alone in private places (ie homes)...This is going to be an area that you will need to evaluate with the person you are with, as the ideas of each person vary and may the may not be open to this.The church also has guidelines on this, which are important to consider. I would take that as a starting point. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milluw Posted October 10, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 10, 2012 The church also has guidelines on this, which are important to consider. I would take that as a starting point.Do you know where i could find those? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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