Accepting my husband's past

[chelly00]

My husband and I recently had a conversation on infidelity as my brother recently caught his wife cheating. Something like this being so close to home, I went crazy. I had never worried about my husband being loyal to me, but like I said...crazy. So I told him and then I proceeded to check his email and facebook messages. Did I find anything incriminating from our marriage? No. However, I did stumble across a message from before we met that was inappropriate to say the least. The contents were sexual exchanges and it was apparent that inappropriate pictures had also been exchanged via text message.

Now, my husband told me before we got engaged that there were things in his past that he wasn't proud of. He told me that he had fooled around with a girl (different one from this message) and that when he was younger he had a problem with pornography. All of these things I knew, and I was perfectly fine not knowing every gritty detail of his exchanges with whomever from his past. I know that he is a worthy priesthood holder now and he was when we got engaged. I know that his past transgressions have nothing to do with me, and they don't effect what I think of him. I still think he is a good and wonderful man. I am proud of him and couldn't dream of being with anyone else. I also know that he loves me more than anyone. But I can't help but to be upset.

This message was nothing like I'd ever heard him say before. I know a huge part of it is because he respects me and loves me, and there was no respect or love really shown for himself or this girl in their exchanges, but some of the contents I was SHOCKED to see. I can't picture him writing or saying some of the things that were there...they were totally vulgar and crude and graphic. Extremely inappropriate in both the content and word choice. My husband had (I assume several exchanges with this girl....I didn't scroll back to see how long they had been talking) after this conversation, decided that he wouldn't/couldn't talk to her anymore and told her so in the message, saying that he knew his weaknesses and temptations and that he couldn't talk to her anymore. That part made me extremely proud to read, as that is not the easiest thing to do.

I know better than anyone how ashamed my husband is of the things like this in his past. I know that he truly repented and it pains him to know that he did those things, and that knowing them causes me even the slightest amount of pain. Like I said, I know who he is today and that he is a good and caring man.

I feel really guilty for saying this, but reading that message really made me upset. I know it had nothing to do with me and that it was before we met. I don't feel guilty going through his stuff--in fact, he told me to...but this message had been deleted a long time ago, but facebook put it in "Archives" where I found it. Anyways, I know he feels ashamed of it and repented, and I don't want to keep bringing it up, but it is really upsetting me. I can't un-read the things that I have read and it really burns me up inside. I try not to think about it but the things I read will not leave my mind, and it makes me so angry/sad/upset....not with him at all though. That's the thing. I'm not mad at him or anything. It's ancient history. What I am feeling is almost more jealousy--that someone else has seen my husband or had anything to do with him in a sexual way. I'm not jealous of the conversation--like I said, he loves me so he would never say anything like that in front of me (let alone to me!). But it burns me up, I guess, that he ever wanted someone else in that way. I don't know if I am explaining it very well, but I don't know how else to say it. I just feel really upset and jealous. I'm trying to downplay how upset with him because I don't want him to feel like it's his fault or he did something wrong. He repented a long time ago, and I want him to be able to forget and move on. I just want advice/help doing the same thing myself.

How can I move past this and try to forget what I read? I need help.

[Guest]

I had a similar experience recently with someone in my family cheating on their spouse, and it really messed with my head for awhile. But you have to realize that 1. Everyone makes mistakes, and we all ned the Atonement. 2. No one is perfect 3. No individual in a marriage is perfect.

So, focus on being a good friend and wife to your husband and meeting his needs. Let him know what your needs are and let him meet them.

As far as his past sins, you knew they existed; the only thing that is different is that you know detail that you didn't know before. You said yourself:

I know better than anyone how ashamed my husband is of the things like this in his past. I know that he truly repented and it pains him to know that he did those things, and that knowing them causes me even the slightest amount of pain. Like I said, I know who he is today and that he is a good and caring man.

He repented. Christ changed him. Accept that and do your best to move on. If the Lord remembers his sin no more, you ought to strive for the same.

[chelly00]

I'm trying to do just that. I've already accepted his mistakes back then and now--it's just the forgetting that I feel like will drive me crazy. The hardest part about it is that he is currently deployed to Afghanistan, which makes communication rough, since the only thing we can really do is say "it's ok" and leave each other to think on it some more. I know he's a good man, but I also worry about him with pornography. It isn't even because he's had an issue with it before, but it's EVERYWHERE with the Army in Afghanistan...and just the Army in general. It's a tough situation to be surrounded by it and thousands of miles from your spouse. I have faith and confidence in him, but like I said several times, my brain is all fried and crazy. I KNOW I'm being irrational. I don't know how to stop being that way though.

[classylady]

I think part of the problem, is that it was all "nebulous" before. Even though you knew about his sins, when you actually read his past posts, it became "real". I have had a similar experience with my husband. And it wasn't even for a past sin. I married a man who was divorced. I thought I was okay with it before we got married. After we got married he asked me to help him go through some stuff he had packed away in boxes. There were photos of his ex, and letters he had sent to her. We went through everything to see what he wanted to save and what he wanted to toss. After seeing the photos, and reading some of the letters, it was like his past marriage became "real". All of a sudden I had feelings of jealousy that I didn't think I had before. The letters had words of his "eternal love for her". It was like getting kicked in the gut by a mule. Now, I had known that he had once loved his ex, otherwise he wouldn't have married her. But, the letters and photos made it "real". It's so hard to explain why actually seeing proof would make a difference. But for me, it did. You'll get through this. Your husband sounds like a good man.

[chelly00]

Thanks! It's definitely nice to know that I'm not the only one and I'm not just abnormally jealous. Your post really made me feel a lot better. He really is a good man:) I feel very blessed and lucky to have him!

[pam]

I've been a military wife and separated by distance for extremely long periods of time. Sometimes our minds play tricks on us and we imagine all kinds of things that really aren't there. It's difficult because they aren't right there to talk about it.

[Guest kshRox]

My husband and I recently had a conversation on infidelity as my brother recently caught his wife cheating. Something like this being so close to home, I went crazy. I had never worried about my husband being loyal to me, but like I said...crazy. So I told him and then I proceeded to check his email and facebook messages. Did I find anything incriminating from our marriage? No. However, I did stumble across a message from before we met that was inappropriate to say the least. The contents were sexual exchanges and it was apparent that inappropriate pictures had also been exchanged via text message.

Now, my husband told me before we got engaged that there were things in his past that he wasn't proud of. He told me that he had fooled around with a girl (different one from this message) and that when he was younger he had a problem with pornography. All of these things I knew, and I was perfectly fine not knowing every gritty detail of his exchanges with whomever from his past. I know that he is a worthy priesthood holder now and he was when we got engaged. I know that his past transgressions have nothing to do with me, and they don't effect what I think of him. I still think he is a good and wonderful man. I am proud of him and couldn't dream of being with anyone else. I also know that he loves me more than anyone. But I can't help but to be upset.

This message was nothing like I'd ever heard him say before. I know a huge part of it is because he respects me and loves me, and there was no respect or love really shown for himself or this girl in their exchanges, but some of the contents I was SHOCKED to see. I can't picture him writing or saying some of the things that were there...they were totally vulgar and crude and graphic. Extremely inappropriate in both the content and word choice. My husband had (I assume several exchanges with this girl....I didn't scroll back to see how long they had been talking) after this conversation, decided that he wouldn't/couldn't talk to her anymore and told her so in the message, saying that he knew his weaknesses and temptations and that he couldn't talk to her anymore. That part made me extremely proud to read, as that is not the easiest thing to do.

I know better than anyone how ashamed my husband is of the things like this in his past. I know that he truly repented and it pains him to know that he did those things, and that knowing them causes me even the slightest amount of pain. Like I said, I know who he is today and that he is a good and caring man.

I feel really guilty for saying this, but reading that message really made me upset. I know it had nothing to do with me and that it was before we met. I don't feel guilty going through his stuff--in fact, he told me to...but this message had been deleted a long time ago, but facebook put it in "Archives" where I found it. Anyways, I know he feels ashamed of it and repented, and I don't want to keep bringing it up, but it is really upsetting me. I can't un-read the things that I have read and it really burns me up inside. I try not to think about it but the things I read will not leave my mind, and it makes me so angry/sad/upset....not with him at all though. That's the thing. I'm not mad at him or anything. It's ancient history. What I am feeling is almost more jealousy--that someone else has seen my husband or had anything to do with him in a sexual way. I'm not jealous of the conversation--like I said, he loves me so he would never say anything like that in front of me (let alone to me!). But it burns me up, I guess, that he ever wanted someone else in that way. I don't know if I am explaining it very well, but I don't know how else to say it. I just feel really upset and jealous. I'm trying to downplay how upset with him because I don't want him to feel like it's his fault or he did something wrong. He repented a long time ago, and I want him to be able to forget and move on. I just want advice/help doing the same thing myself.

How can I move past this and try to forget what I read? I need help.

You do need help.

Why don't you go to your husband and apologize, then beg his forgiveness and tell him you will never again dig up things from a past that had nothing to do with you to hold against him today.

Then thank him for becoming the man he is today and what a blessing it was for you that he made this transformation to become the man you met and fell in love with.

You might want to add how much you cherish his fidelity and integrity in how he has conducted himself and treated you since you have been married.

Then why don't you shut up and thank God for the blessings in your life rather than dig in a past in which you did not exist to tear down the man who has placed you first in his life?

If you can't do that then why don't you just leave before you drag him through the mud and hurt him more by blaming him for something he owes you no apologies for and leaving him anyway because you are such a small, petty person who has no comprehension or appreciation for the blessings in her life.

If you have found happiness in your life, why would you want to throw it away?

[classylady]

You do need help.

Why don't you go to your husband and apologize, then beg his forgiveness and tell him you will never again dig up things from a past that had nothing to do with you to hold against him today.

Then thank him for becoming the man he is today and what a blessing it was for you that he made this transformation to become the man you met and fell in love with.

You might want to add how much you cherish his fidelity and integrity in how he has conducted himself and treated you since you have been married.

Then why don't you shut up and thank God for the blessings in your life rather than dig in a past in which you did not exist to tear down the man who has placed you first in his life?

If you can't do that then why don't you just leave before you drag him through the mud and hurt him more by blaming him for something he owes you no apologies for and leaving him anyway because you are such a small, petty person who has no comprehension or appreciation for the blessings in her life.

If you have found happiness in your life, why would you want to throw it away?

Wow! I'm shocked at your words. I don't think it's appropriate to tell someone on these forums to "shut up", or "why don't you just leave...," or calling her "petty". This is so inappropriate and judgmental. She's asking for help to understand her feelings. And her feelings don't need to be justified to you or any of us. Her feelings are natural. Her husband gave her permission to look at his past posts. She didn't snoop.

[Dove]

I'm on both sides of the fence here. Yes, kshRox may have been harsh in what he was saying; but, I agree with what he said.

Why go through your spouses' facebook and emails to find things from the past to accuse him over and make yourself sick over? This seems so destructive to me. IMO, it is soo wrong to bring things up from someone's past that they have truly repented over and then punish them for it again. It seems like she's playing God's role by doing this to her husband. Not forgiving him and moving on to how wonderful he is in the present. She says she would never want to leave him. Then, why punish him with things that God has already forgiven him for? That just seems so out of place and unfair to me. She has already said how wonderful/worthy of a man he is now. Let bygones be bygones. If you can't forgive/work out your own issues with this, take full responsibility/accountability that it is your problem, not his. Seek therapy and to repent yourself for taking God's role in someone else's life. It's wrong to punish your husband like this by holding it over his head when he already feels so bad about it and has repented.

[selek]

Wow! I'm shocked at your words. I don't think it's appropriate to tell someone on these forums to "shut up", or "why don't you just leave...," or calling her "petty". This is so inappropriate and judgmental. She's asking for help to understand her feelings. And her feelings don't need to be justified to you or any of us. Her feelings are natural. Her husband gave her permission to look at his past posts. She didn't snoop.

Two things come to mind: first, that there is a double standard, and second that kshRox was a bit too harsh, but there may also be a method to his madness.

Not too long ago, we had an individual post on these boards that he could not forgive his wife for the crime of being raped.

He'd known that she was not a virgin when he married her, but did not find out she'd been violated until years after the fact.

His complaints were two-fold: 1) that he couldn't move past it and 2) that he'd been cheated because he had been denied his wife's virginity.

The advice he received (including from yours truly) was to "get over it". Several people recommended that he seek out a competent mental health provider for assistance.

How is that any different than what kshRox has said here?

The apparent- but not yet proven- double standard is that "tough love" is acceptable when the target is a man, but not acceptable when the recipient is a woman.

Just for posterities sake, what is it called when men and women receive different treatment solely because of their gender?

The two cases are identical in the crucial details:

Both cases center around the OP discovering a facet of their spouse's past with which they "cannot deal".

Both cases involve the OP admitting that their spouse was in no way at fault in the earlier events, yet (subconsciously or not) attempting to punish them for the earlier wrong.

Both cases revolve around the OP feeling that someone else has trod upon their prerogatives (he was jealous that someone else had "taken her virginity", the OP is jealous that he once lusted after someone else).

Both cases involve incidents with which the OP was not involved and for which any necessary repentance is long-since done and the matter resolved.

My take is that "if it is good for the gander, it is good for the goose".

It is unjust that the OP (in either case) to punish- either actively or passively- their spouse for events that are dead, buried, and staked through the heart.

Or as President Hugh B. Brown once commented, "It is a sin for us to remember that which the Lord has indicated he is willing to forget."

It is not this sister's place to punish her husband for something that happened long ago.

It is not her place to drive a wedge between herself and her eternal companion over something the Lord has already forgiven.

She needs to repent of her jealousy and set it aside- both for the sake of her marriage and her eternal salvation.

One other thing I said in that thread bears repeating:

The OP's spouse has taken an extraordinary leap of faith and trust by opening and sharing that past with his wife.

Given the reaction he has received, how likely is he to open up and share like that again?

That's the real tragedy here: that this woman's jealousy and insecurity are burning bridges with the person closest to her, both in this life and the next.

* For the record, the woman I married was not a virgin. I understand all too well the pangs of jealousy that this sister is dealing with- for I suffered them (and still suffer them) myself.

To that sister I would say, he is yours- now and for eternity. Love him, cherish him, and hold onto him.

The only one who can deprive you of him is you.

Edited December 17, 2012 by selek

[Guest kshRox]

Maybe she needs to hear how ridiculous and petty she is being before she destroys what she has.

If you don't like it complain to the moderators - I'm sure you can get me banned.

Until then and even after, I stand by exactly what I said.

I'm just laughably amazed that you have the gall to call me judgmental while coddling this irrational and judgmental behavior . . .

[pam]

I don't care what method there may have been....we just don't tell other people on this site to shut up.

[selek]

I don't care what method there may have been....we just don't tell other people on this site to shut up.

Of course we do- we just call it issuing infractions for arguing with the moderators. :rolleyes:

[selek]

Maybe she needs to hear how ridiculous and petty she is being before she destroys what she has.

ksh, ask those who know me- I am downright infamous for my subtlety and consideration of other peoples' feelings.

And even I feel you went too far.

If you don't like it complain to the moderators - I'm sure you can get me banned.

Until then and even after, I stand by exactly what I said.

I'm just laughably amazed that you have the gall to call me judgmental while coddling this irrational and judgmental behavior . . .

You were too harsh. Two wrongs don't make a right, and now you are compounding the error out of pride and stubbornness.

Sound familiar?

The only person who's going to "get you banned" is you.

Don't give them the ammunition.

Edited December 17, 2012 by selek

[pam]

Of course we do- we just call it issuing infractions for arguing with the moderators. :rolleyes:

And I'm really good at those. I have years of practice.

[selek]

And I'm really good at those. I have years of practice.

I know.

I've been around since you had all the gardeners running around painting the roses red....

[pam]

The thing is...I don't think she is being petty. I seriously can relate somewhat to her situation.

My ex was in the Navy. He had previously been married to someone in the Philippines. They divorced. Well at least as far as he was concerned but there is no divorce in the Philippines so she still considered herself married to him.

She knew what ship he was on...knew when it was going to be pulling into port in Alongapo. I called the ship and they asked me if I was down on the pier. I was like what???? The guy on the quarterdeck said..Oh well Mrs. ***** just called and said she was on the pier and so I thought it was you. Everyone on the ship knew me because I was the Ombudsman for the ship.

You can imagine all the things that started going through my mind. But with him being on the other side of the world and unable to talk to him...well let's just say I didn't have the kindliest of thoughts at that point.

So yeh...I can relate. As I mentioned earlier..it's difficult when they are so far away and you can't just sit down and talk out your feelings and concerns and insecurities.

[selek]

The thing is...I don't think she is being petty. I seriously can relate somewhat to her situation.

As can I. But she is still in the wrong.

My ex was in the Navy. He had previously been married to someone in the Philippines. They divorced. Well at least as far as he was concerned but there is no divorce in the Philippines so she still considered herself married to him.

She knew what ship he was on...knew when it was going to be pulling into port in Alongapo. I called the ship and they asked me if I was down on the pier. I was like what???? The guy on the quarterdeck said..Oh well Mrs. ***** just called and said she was on the pier and so I thought it was you. Everyone on the ship knew me because I was the Ombudsman for the ship.

You can imagine all the things that started going through my mind. But with him being on the other side of the world and unable to talk to him...well let's just say I didn't have the kindliest of thoughts at that point.

So yeh...I can relate. As I mentioned earlier..it's difficult when they are so far away and you can't just sit down and talk out your feelings and concerns and insecurities.

I was Navy also....East Coast Gator Sailor, and yes, I can understand your feelings.

But just as it is unfair for this woman to punish her husband for things that are dead and buried, it is unwise for you to project your sympathies onto her situation.

The situations are not at all analagous.

Her husband is here, not at sea or on the other side of the planet.

Her husband has not cheated on her.

He has given her no reason to doubt his fidelity.

There has been no contact between him and the old flame.

By her own admission, she went "snooping" through his files because she was already insecure.

The only thing she found was a years-old message buried and long-forgotten in an archive he cannot control.

He closed the book on that chapter of his life and moved on.

And she's allowing that artifact of days long-gone to amplify her insecurity and drive a wedge between herself and her husband.

She is insecure because of her sister-in-laws' actions. It is not right, mete, or just for her to suspect- let alone to punish her husband for another's actions.

The insecurity is hers.

The wrong is hers.

The repentance, likewise, must be hers.

Edited December 17, 2012 by selek

[pam]

I'm just saying we shouldn't be so harsh and so judgemental of her. While I would say don't go snooping if you can't handle what you might find.

But she is asking for advice on how to get over it and move on...that's what we should focus on.

[pam]

East coast sailor? So you weren't in the REAL Navy. hahahahaha

[selek]

East coast sailor? So you weren't in the REAL Navy. hahahahaha

Worse, I was Gator Navy.

I hauled Marines and their toys around.

Five deployments in six years, plus work-ups and humanitarian relief ops.

[pam]

Oh and she did say in her OP that her husband gave her permission to read his emails etc.

[pam]

worse, i was gator navy.

I hauled marines and their toys around.

Five deployments in six years, plus work-ups and humanitarian relief ops.

lpd?

[selek]

Yep. LPD-15 (now AFSB(I)-15)).

[pam]

My ex was on LPD-5 for his last sea duty. Was on frigates before that.

Oops correction. It was LPD-10. Don't know where I got 5 from.

Edited December 17, 2012 by pam