Marriage falling apart...

[NCconvert]

I was baptized at 22 (1999). I met my wife just a few months later. She was 18, & lived in NC. I was from VA, found a job in NC, moved, fell in love, married in 2001. We were married civilly & had planned to go to the Temple a year later when we could do it in the DC temple. Well I was laid off, got frustrated, & gained a lot of weight. I became inactive, but my wife had remained active.

We had our only son in 2002. My wife also gained quite a bit of weight as well. I got a job in 04 with the phone company, been there ever since. My wife too got a job there on 05. She worked there for 4 years, got burned out until one day she was balling how much she hated it. Knowing it would be a struggle, I told her to quit & go to nursing school. She was so excited, & was accepted. She started in 2009 & graduated in

2011.

Our marriage seemed to be on track. We have a nice little home we bought in 2006, couple new cars, happy son. I took, take care of everything, bills, us, the household, etc. She had always said that she just wanted to be a good wife & mom. I always shielded her from any stress of bills & let her have fun shopping.

This whole time, we both had weight issues. We would diet, gain back plus some. Well while she was in school, I made the decision for surgery. It is called Vsg, which is different from bypass. Basically 80% of your stomach is removed. I needed it. I tipped the scale at 475. I was 260 when her &i met. She was 175 when we met, & now was 300. She too, became interested in the same procedure.

Great! We had to do all the prelim stuff including a psych visit, where she explained how this changes you mentally as well. She asked how or marriage was, & as I thought, great, and she said how much she loved me, & was happy. We had a five year plan to open or own home health business, etc.

Yes, I'm still inactive, & she goes every Sunday. Fast forward to Jun 2011. She landed a job at an ER. Her surgery was scheduled for July, mine for August. We both have it. Kissed her before wheeled off, everything was perfect. Had mine, same deal. Well the weight poured off. Spring rolls around this year. She began to change... She was looking really good. She was down to 170, then by summer 145, size 4. I had lost 150lbs as well.

Now it ALL comes out. She hasn't been happy for years. Doesn't know if she is in love anymore. Embarrassed by my weight... Started saying I was controlling... Not sure how but excuses piled on... In the meantime, I'm still losing as well. Down to 250...Yet she never compliments me. Now it had come to she isn't sure if she loved me ever, but never told me.

At the same time she is getting so much new attention from men at work. She is hanging with 20 year old single nurses. Says she feels like she married too young & she is unhappy. She believes happiness is organic, & she wants a hot guy. That's what it boils down to. She admits to being selfish.

On the meantime, I had started going to church again as it was nice to find clothes that fit nicely. She goes every other week due to her work. She works with people who joke sexually everyday. They have gag gifts to each other. She got a box of condoms and ky jelly. I asked her about it, & she said it was just a joke.

She doesn't want to talk to the bishop because she doesn't like him. I asked her what she wants & she doesn't know but to be happy. And she's not happy with me because we've been together for a dozen years. If I try to bring up church, she tells me not to preach to her when i was inactive for so long.

Honestly I'm at a loss. Our family doc thinks either she is having an affair or she has her eye on someone.

I've tried for the last 6mos, but she refuses to even try. She doesn't want to even talk about it, & admits no wrongdoing. The latest argument was a company dinner where she lied & said it was employees only. When confronted, she said, I didn't want you there because my friends might not say jokes where you may be offended... I asked, did you really just hear what you said?

So I finally said, I can't try anymore & you have to move on. She agreed, signed a separation agreement giving me custody of our son, & agreed to $500/mo child support. She left that night, but was back in five min saying she couldn't do it. I said I can't either, & we either fix this or she go. She agreed. That was Thursday, but had yet to want to talk, & had done nothing. So I'm back on the couch tonight & told her she is out after Christmas. She didn't say a word... I love her, & want to get her to see that happiness isn't something you gain from others but from yourself. But she is so selfish, self centered, etc. For example, her first Christmas gift was to herself. Her others, for coworkers. She has yet to buy a single thing for our son or any family. But I can't tell her, she'll just start screaming... I'm at a loss....

Edited December 19, 2012 by NCconvert

[Guest]

She has always just had to be a good wife & mom. I always shielded her from any stress.

Start with reading what you wrote here and think about it very carefully. I'm not even married to you and I found this degrading and de-valuing of what I contribute to my home and family, which is most certainly not "just" anything, or free of stress. Analyzing how you feel about the job of a stay-at-home mother and thinking about why you feel that way, and how it might make her feel, could give you a clue into why she's been unhappy. It's a thankless job and if my husband called it a "just" and said I didn't have any stress, I think I'd be pretty unhappy, too.

[NCconvert]

That came out wrong. I didn't demand that of her. That's what she wanted was just to be a wife and mother. I was basically saying, i took care of all the finances and stresses of bills. I have never been like get in there & cook me dinner woman. Haha, I can see where it can seem that way from the statement, but was just staying she always got to do what she wanted, albeit theater, pottery, friends, etc.

I was just rephrasing what she told me. "I would be happy to be just a stay at home mom & not have to worry about bills". So obviously, i know children can be stressful, however we have been very blessed with a wonderfully behaved child. So i know a lot have it worse. So I'm sorry if that offended you.

Edited December 19, 2012 by NCconvert

[Guest]

My point is that being at home and taking care of the child(ren) and house isn't "just" anything. It's tedious, endless, thankless work. You still have the attitude that she was sitting around eating bonbons. Yes, being at home does afford one more freedom than a paying job, but it's still a job. If you felt like she was freeloading and not contributing anything, she certainly picked up on that.

[NCconvert]

Again, i think you are reading too much into that statement. I was simply using her words. Trust me when I say she had always been appreciated. Either gifts out of the blue, cards for no reason, flowers other than v day, little notes left in inconspicuous places. Also, she worked most puff the time & was very stressed & knowing it would be a struggle i told her that she could quit that day & go do what she wanted, which was to go back to school to be a nurse.

[NCconvert]

And please forgive some of the words...auto correct is lovely :)

[Vort]

This is far too big and deep and important a problem to be diagnosed by an anonymous internet group. Please go see your bishop and start looking for a reputable marriage counselor.

[Guest kshRox]

That came out wrong. I didn't demand that of her. That's what she wanted was just to be a wife and mother. I was basically saying, i took care of all the finances and stresses of bills. I have never been like get in there & cook me dinner woman. Haha, I can see where it can seem that way from the statement, but was just staying she always got to do what she wanted, albeit theater, pottery, friends, etc.

I was just rephrasing what she told me. "I would be happy to be just a stay at home mom & not have to worry about bills". So obviously, i know children can be stressful, however we have been very blessed with a wonderfully behaved child. So i know a lot have it worse. So I'm sorry if that offended you.

I think you passed up a good deal.

Custody of your son and child support.

I know it tears you apart, men are invested in their families and putting someone else first becomes a part of who and what we are. However if she is telling you she is embarrassed or ashamed of you and doesn't want you around her friends <- what does that make you?

Sounds pretty plain she does not consider you a friend (she doesn't even want you around that group), doesn't appreciate your support.

When someone goes to school - it puts stress on the whole family and the whole family adjusts to support them during this process. Well, now she's done and you are persona non-grata. For whatever reasons, you are not valued in this relationship.

I know your instinct is to do whatever you can to 'fix' it.

Put her first, change if you must, be a better husband, father, priesthood holder etc.

This is natural and what men often do - put others first and put the onus on themselves to fix whatever needs fixing. Again though, if she is done and does not respect you or want you, if you are already somewhere down below not just God but Family, Church, Friends, Finances, Career - does it matter?

Put yourself first and look out for your own best interests - yes, I'm saying be selfish.

Invest yourself in bettering yourself by

- Commit to God and engage in the Church to be the best priesthood holder you can be

- Invest in your son to be the best father you can be

- Invest in your home to have the a sanctuary of peace and serenity

- Invest in yourself - you said it feels good to be able to wear nice clothes again so continue healthy habits that contribute to your health and well being

Always treat your wife with respect and consideration, but don't do these things for her, do them for yourself. Because you are a strong considerate man who treats all women and especially the mother of your son with respect and consideration. No matter what else happens in your life, know that you can look at yourself in the mirror and be happy with that person because that person is worthy of respect and consideration themselves - work to live in a way that you feel God approves.

If she comes around to realize your value as a loving husband, father and yes, provider (your contributions count regardless of who earns more) you are in the position to act in a manner that is in the best interest of your relationship with God, the Church, your son, your home and yourself.

If she does not come around and continues to treat you with no respect and lets you know your value to her is less than associates where she works - you are in the position to act in a manner that is in the best interest of your relationship with God, the Church, your son, your home and yourself.

Your value is not dependent upon another persons opinion.

Your value is determined by your actions and integrity and I personally believe, your relationship with Heavenly Father.

When you respect and are comfortable with yourself people worthy of your company will return that respect and feel comfortable with you also.

Never, ever give in to the temptation to argue or worse, talk badly about your wife to anyone else (try not to even think badly of her, just accept her for who and what she is regardless of what you wish or would have her be) - focus on what you control - yourself.

I'm not saying to ignore her, if she wants to talk, let her. Don't criticize, correct or argue - just listen and support. Understanding what she says does not mean you agree. Even if she criticizes you, just tell her you can understand why she might feel that way. But do not put yourself in a position to allow her to dictate to you what you should be or how you should be that - women want to control, but do not respect men they can control. Just gratefully acknowledge her consideration and interest and assure her you are working on it - which if you are doing the things above - you are.

God loves you - I believe that.

You have value

I know this sounds so easy to say, but so hard to do.

I am a divorced single father, I have custody of my youngest children.

I wish you better luck than I had, hindsight is 20/20.

I made terrible mistakes trying to please others rather than doing what I needed to do for myself. I put others ahead of me, that weren't looking out for my best interests. I know my advice sounds selfish and counter-intuitive but think about it.

[NCconvert]

Yeah, figured as much...i know if the bishop starts advising her what she doesn't want to hear, it'll just drive her away from church. I've never felt she has had a true testimony, rather a social connection with the other members... So, I think we are pretty much done. I do know she'll regret it in 10 years. She'll find that happiness in the short term, only to realize real life takes over after the lust phase wears off.... I really am a good guy. I do the little things a lot of other men don't. I cook, clean, show feeling, etc... I'll surprise her with flowers out of the blue, & do the little things I know she hates, like cleaning toilets. She takes it for granted as I am her only relationship. I grew up without much direction & seeked out self improvement techniques, including faith.

Edited December 19, 2012 by NCconvert

[Guest kshRox]

Yeah, figured as much...i know if the bishop starts advising her what she doesn't want to hear, it'll just drive her away from church. I've never felt she has had a true testimony, rather a social connection with the other members... So, I think we are pretty much done. I do know she'll regret it in 10 years. She'll find that happiness in the short term, only to realize real life takes over after the lust phase wears off.... I really am a good guy. I do the little things a lot of other men don't. I cook, clean, show feeling, etc... I'll surprise her with flowers out of the blue, & do the little things I know she hates, like cleaning toilets. She takes it for granted as I am her only relationship. I grew up without much direction & seeked out self improvement techniques, including faith.

It doesn't matter what she does.

I know that sounds weird, but it is true.

And the Church telling her or you what to do doesn't matter either.

You and your relationships with yourself, with God, with family, with the Church and with friends is what matters. Be an honorable person and you will attract honorable people in your life. Your wife may do a 180 or she may not - it really does not matter. It would be nice, but your future is not dependent upon this.

Be who you should be for yourself and honorable people will be drawn to you.

I hope your wife is one of those people, but you cannot control her, you can only control yourself.

I truly wish you well.

(pray for comfort, to know you are loved, for wisdom, for guidance- when your stomach is in knots and you can't sleep - I used to run until I was worn out then pray - it helped me)

[skippy740]

She began to change... She was looking really good. She was down to 170, then by summer 145, size 4. I had lost 150lbs as well.

Now it ALL comes out. She hasn't been happy for years. Doesn't know if she is in love anymore. Embarrassed by my weight... Started saying I was controlling... Not sure how but excuses piled on... In the meantime, I'm still losing as well. Down to 250...Yet she never compliments me. Now it had come to she isn't sure if she loved me ever, but never told me.

At the same time she is getting so much new attention from men at work. She is hanging with 20 year old single nurses. Says she feels like she married too young & she is unhappy. She believes happiness is organic, & she wants a hot guy. That's what it boils down to. She admits to being selfish.

Every situation is different. Because you wrote this, we have to assume that this is her perception.

While I can tell that you want to fix it, I don't know if that's possible when she is clearly giving you the signs of 'dumping' you, even with that last second return from your ultimatum.

I don't know what kinds of arrangements you've tried to work out with her in the past. I would recommend some counseling, particularly marriage counseling, even if you have to go without her.

Is this person GOOD for you for the long term?

What if your son was married to a woman like her? What would you recommend that he do?

Is this person "eternal companion" material?

I'm a VERY recently divorced man. I'm still in love with the mother of my children. However, my ex has never exhibited such selfishness. Our situation is quite different from what you're describing.

If my wife was being very rude, condescending and dismissive of my feelings like this, I would have built up a great deal of resentment.

Just remember, you loved her when she was fat... and she loved you when you were fat. Will these other guys that she's oogling love her if she got fat again? That's true love and loyalty. There's true safety in that relationship.

She is allowing the new attention to change what she thinks she's entitled to in this life... when in reality, she is being tempted by lusting after things she thought she couldn't have before.

Everything that glitters ain't always gold.

[CTR4life]

NConvert,

kshRox and Skyppy740 are in my opinion full of wisdom and experience, love your self and be a good example for your son.

Live the gospel fully and embrace our Heavenly Father love by being the best you can be in any way, there are plenty of great woman whom would really appreciate a man like you.

Heavenly Father loves you and wants you to be happy. :)

[Guest]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is a very tough time, I am sure.

But I am of a different opinion from the others. You need to eradicate selfishness (I've been on this theme in other threads, so I thought I'd go ahead and mention this here too).

You mentioned - your wife is being selfish. Selfish - thinking of one's self.

You don't want to counter your wife's selfishness with your own version of selfishness.

I don't agree that you do everything for yourself. I believe that it is when you lose yourself in the service of others that you start to find yourself. And it is because your wife is so consumed with herself that she lost sight of others. Don't make this same mistake.

But you got good advice too. You cannot control what others do. You cannot control what your wife does. You can only control what you do. So, as long as you are doing things in the spirit of love and charity, it doesn't matter if your wife acknowledges your effort or not. Thinking of - I deserve better, I need this, I need that, I need to be thanked for the good things I'm doing - is not going to help you here. It will only make it more painful for you when these "I-ME-MY" things are not realized. Take the road lesser travelled. Forget yourself for a while and be happy with knowing that you are doing great things in the service of others, especially your child... and yes, even your selfish wife. Continue losing the weight, not because you want to be able to admire yourself in the mirror, but because you want to stay healthy for your child and be a good example for him. Lose yourself in Love which is also Charity. This is what Jesus Christ teaches us. It is the example he laid down when he wore the crown of thorns and died on the cross in the ultimate sacrifice.

May you find peace and happiness and I pray your wife "wakes up" soon.

Edited December 19, 2012 by anatess

[Finrock]

Good afternoon Eowyn. I hope that you've been enjoying your day! :)

My point is that being at home and taking care of the child(ren) and house isn't "just" anything. It's tedious, endless, thankless work. You still have the attitude that she was sitting around eating bonbons. Yes, being at home does afford one more freedom than a paying job, but it's still a job. If you felt like she was freeloading and not contributing anything, she certainly picked up on that.

Eowyn, it seems you are misunderstanding what NCconvert is saying. NCconvert is not complaining about how lazy his wife is or that she didn't contribute. He is saying that he, as a loving husband, has been happily trying to do all of the things that are generally stressful to his wife so that his wife doesn't have to deal with them. He is doing all of the things she doesn't like to do so that, according to her express desires, she can just stay home and be a mom. It sounds like she actually wanted to just stay home and just be a mom. I know in most situations stay-at-home-moms don't "just" stay home and aren't "just" moms, but it sounds like the OP's wife wanted to just stay home and wanted to just be a mom while NCconvert, as a favor and as a way to show her his love, took care of the bills, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the house, and all of the other things that typical stay-at-home-moms do but which were stressful to NCconvert's wife..

You should be praising NCconvert, not criticizing him.

Regards,

Finrock

[Backroads]

I think much wisdom has already been said...

I will just say, Stick to your guns. You said she is out after Christmas, make sure she is. I don't know if you gave an exact date--if you haven't done so, do so. Even if you have no intention of ending the marriage, this might be a good time to talk to a lawyer. I think protecting yourself is a separate matter from the whole unselfish/too selfish debate.

[Dove]

You can't change another's agency or choice to draw away from you and your son.

Don't hurt her; but, at this point, think as to what is in the best interest for you and your son, since she is obviously not.

Be firm. It seems she is unwilling to do the work needed to make your relationship/marriage/family whole again. It seems she's not willing to admit her part of the problems and her role in the solution. Leaving is a big step. But, I would have her do it regardless at this point. She's not working towards making your marriage a success. I would have her go.

Very important. I wouldn't push her for information she doesn't want to give or for her to do anything she doesn't want to do. Don't force/coerce her into doing anything. Meaning, don't try to pry and find out if she is having an affair. She very well could be. That's a moot point if she is unwilling to be straight forward to you about it. Listen to her and watch what she is doing. It sounds like she has really checked out of the marriage. Just be assertive enough to hold her to that and go back to the original agreement. Which is that she move out and pay child support.

Watch you and your son's back. Because she isn't.

Don't be too hard on yourself. I personally feel that unless a person is willing to be honest with me about what I'm doing to offend them, there is nothing I can/could have done to become aware of it and correct it. It's pretty sorry when she waits for years to let you know she feels you are too controlling and how unhappy she is. She didn't give you a chance to become aware of what you were doing that was wrong in her eyes and to correct it. This is not your fault. I would just, at this point, act fast. Many times the spouse wanting to leave/end the marriage will play hard ball to get as much money/belongings/property they can on their way out. What I'm trying to say is, don't let her scam you into thinking her intent is sincere/in you and your son's best interest so that she'll get the house, son etc., instead of you. Watch what she does. It seems she is selfish and watching out for herself instead of the two of your. Just keep this in the back of your cap in your dealings with her. Again, it doesn't give you license to scam or take advantage of or hurt her. Just make sure it's fair and what you and your son needs for your best situation.

Good luck

Dove