What it's like to be a working mom

[Guest ldsashley]

In a church where the vast majority of mothers are stay-at-home moms, I sometimes feel like the odd one out because I work outside the home. I just started a blog and wrote about this. I thought some of you might be interested in reading it.

Http://ashleyjanette.blogspot.com

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Ashley, you link doesn't work. :)

[john doe]

She's so busy working she forgot what her name is?

[applepansy]

She's so busy working she forgot what her name is?

Been there done that. LOL

[Vort]

Ashley Jeanette, perhaps?

[Tough Grits]

In a church where the vast majority of mothers are stay-at-home moms, I sometimes feel like the odd one out because I work outside the home.

I wonder what the stats actually are on this?

Most of the women and/or moms in my ward work (full or part-time).

I have done both, but I am currently working. Working in education I get to work the same hours that my kids are in school and I work at the same school as my youngest. That can be good or bad sometimes!

[Guest ldsashley]

LOL ok this is seriously embarrassing! The link is Thoughts of an everyday mom not BlogSpot..... sorry!!

[dahlia]

Nice article, Ashley.

As someone who was around in the early feminist movement, I can tell you that while feminists thought they arguing for women to have choice in life, the 'choice' always seemed to be a job. I've been to events where if a woman says she stays at home, the other women will slowly move away and look for people who are doing 'real' work to talk to.

I know when I first started working as an attorney, women were told not to have pictures of their kids in the office, never to talk about their kids, etc. It took me a little while, but I eventually got over that kind of brain washing.

I know I missed out on some plumb jobs because I wasn't willing to be away from my son all the time. My time with him was important and I wasn't going to give it up for more money. Now that he is grown, even though people tease us (well, tease me) for being close, I'd rather be close to him than be as distant as some parents are because they never formed a relationship with their children because work came first.

I don't know if any of you have seen 'Damages.' I watched the first 2 seasons on Netflix and have to say, I wanted to be the type of lawyer portrayed by Glenn Close. I was in awe as I watched her - cut throat, conniving, take no prisoners, smarter than any man she dealt with, that was my goal. As I watched, I realized I was nothing like that now - and thank goodness! What I'm getting at is that I often think that being a mother saved me from being a b.... on wheels in my work life.

Though I will admit that sometimes I think I've failed because my career/personality didn't wind up like that of Close's character. On the other hand, I've got students who are afraid to take a class from me, so I must be doing something right. : )

Anyway, try not to let others make you feel guilty for the path you are on. If you want to work, and whether you 'have to' or not, do what feels right for you and your family situation.

[LilyBelle00]

Thank you. Reading that made me cry.

I feel awful that I have to work. I hate the the fact that my kids spend more time with the sitter than with their mommy. I still struggle with feeling like a failure. All day while I'm at work I'm thinking that I want to be home with my kids and what we could be doing. Then I get home and I'm making dinner, cleaning house, giving baths and too tired to actually DO anything with them.

Luckily I work at a bank so I'm off holidays, nights, and weekends. It's still not enough though.

[classylady]

I had seven kids. I've been a "working" mom and a stay-at-home mom at different times throughout the raising of those children. I felt guilt with both--staying home or "working". (I put working in parenthesis because you're working even when you're a SAHM). Maybe, I was lucky, but I always felt supported by my fellow sisters in whatever role I had to perform. I never felt judged harshly if I was a "working" mom or a SAHM. Thank you, to all my fellow sisters who supported me. I love you.

Now, I did not say that I didn't judge myself. As a woman, I find my identity in my home and family. I never found my identity with my career. To me, my job was just that, a job. I worked, when needed, to supplement our family's meager income. Every day on my commute, I would be worrying about my children/family as I drove. While I was working, my mind was usually two places at once--on the job and at home. On the drive home I'd be thinking about my family, and all the issues at home. If the house was a mess, I took the blame. I was awfully harsh on myself. When I was a full-time working mother, I still did the majority of the house work. DH was "old school", and never even thought about helping around the house. It never even crossed his mind. He'd help if I asked. But, it gets very tiring to always ask.

When I was a SAHM, I would feel guilt because we needed extra income, and yet here I was at home. I would feel guilt because I felt I should be giving more to my children than I did. I felt guilt when I took time for myself. I felt guilt when the house was a mess, because I was at home wasn't I? The house shouldn't get so messy. And so it would go. I was my harshest critic.

Thankfully, I'm a little more wise. I still find my identity with my home and family. But, I'm not so harsh on myself. I still feel some guilt, because, well, because my children aren't perfect, and I don't have the perfect marriage. But, no matter what, I love them. And they love me back. And at the end of the day, I think that's what matters most.

Edited January 22, 2013 by classylady

[Tough Grits]

Anyway, try not to let others make you feel guilty for the path you are on. If you want to work, and whether you 'have to' or not, do what feels right for you and your family situation.

As I said, I have done both. What you said above is so important. Anybody can second-guess whether we work, or whether we stay home. We have to stand strong and follow the Holy Ghost. As long as we are doing whatever we are doing through the guidance of the Holy Ghost, then nothing anybody else says or thinks matters.

I did not want to work either. But for reasons I will not go into right now, I had to take the matter to my Father in Heaven. I was over-whelmed with an answer. That answer lead me to a job at an elementary school in 2006. I have been there ever since, and have even earned an associates degree and bachelor's degree in Early Childhood Education while I was at it.

So, I never worried about what others thought, because I KNEW that I had followed a very personal and over-whelming prompting from my Heavenly Father.

I feel awful that I have to work. [...] Luckily I work at a bank so I'm off holidays, nights, and weekends. It's still not enough though.

It is never enough is it? Even though I do not feel guilty for working (because of what I mentioned above), I still miss the peace of being at home all day and getting the home in order so that more quality time can be spent with kids and husband during the evening and night.

I will say this...I have seen bias on both sides. I have seen working mothers criticize and belittle those who stay home. I have also seen mothers who stay home criticize and judge those who work. I even heard a stay-home mother say once that working mothers were only part-time mothers.

That is so very far from the truth. Being a mother is so much more than giving birth, or changing diapers, or whether we stay home or work outside of the home.

Being a mother is something that comes from deep in the soul and encompasses the whole heart. There is no such thing as a part-time mother. A true mother never stops being a mother.

We think about our children morning, noon, and night. Our prayers are filled with gratitude for them and pleadings for them. Being a mother does not end when they turn 18, or start college, or get married. We are mothers even when a child leaves us too early. We are mothers even as that precious new life grows within us. We are mothers as we hold that new life in our arms, whether from our own womb or not, and feel our heart swell and our spirit shine.

True mothers can be found working as mothers in the home, and as employees out in the work-force. It is not something that can be turned off.

The more women find their divine worth, the less they will feel the need to compare themselves to the other women around them. Our time should be spent uplifting, listening to, and encouraging other women around us. Only then will we find the true vision of sisterhood, womanhood, and motherhood.

At least in my humble opinion. ~TG

[Guest ldsashley]

Lilybelle, I feel for you. You are not at all alone in feeling that way. Please remember, you ARE a hero!! You are doing the best thing you can possibly do for your kids - loving them :)

[LilyBelle00]

I know. I really wish I could let go of this guilt. I don't ever judge anyone else but myself.

A few months ago I was off work on a vacation day and I had the kids in the grocery store with me. The cashier was smiling at the kids and told me how cute they were. Suddenly she started saying how nice it was to see a mom who cared enough to stay home with her kids because that's what was wrong with society these days, mothers not wanting to raise their own kids. I just looked at her. I wanted to tell her that I was normally at work and how dare she say that to me, but I couldn't even speak. I just paid and then walked to my car and cried.

It seems like every year someone at the bank has a baby. They always say they are coming back and we all wait to see if they really will. Everyone is always upset when they don't. Other people are mad because they are judging them, but I'm always just sad that it's not me. I like my job just fine. I like most of the people I work with and I like what I do. I would always rather be home though.

You know, I envy the mothers who stay home just as much as I envy the mothers who feel like they want to work outside the home. I wish I could be one or the other instead of someone who has to work but is miserable about it.

I am very thankful for this thread though. It's nice to other LDS mothers who work. I think a lot of my guilt comes from being raised LDS, and that's nothing against the church. It's just that most LDS mothers stay home.

Edited January 22, 2013 by LilyBelle00

[talisyn]

Try being the odd one at church, working mom with a stay-at-home husband

It's very important to be close to Heavenly Father and listen to the promptings of the Spirit whether you're at home or at a job. As long as you do that, you'll be good.

And isn't it great that we live at a time where we can connect to so many of our fellow Saints, instantly? We gain insight and advice and friendship with people all over, which can be so very nice if we sometimes feel like the only one in the ward dealing with different issues.

[Tough Grits]

It's very important to be close to Heavenly Father and listen to the promptings of the Spirit whether you're at home or at a job. As long as you do that, you'll be good.

100% agree!

And isn't it great that we live at a time where we can connect to so many of our fellow Saints, instantly? We gain insight and advice and friendship with people all over, which can be so very nice if we sometimes feel like the only one in the ward dealing with different issues.

Yes, it is great! Just being able to get feelings OUT is awesome.

One of the best things my mom taught me, "It doesn't matter what you do in life, as long as you love it and you do the best you can at it."

Loving what you do matters too. I may not love having to work, but I do love my job. I love teaching. It truly is my passion and my talent. I love working with students and being there when they have that "Aha!" moment. The only thing better than teaching in public education, is teaching the gospel. Not only am I a Valiant 10-11 teacher, but I get to teach my kids every night during scripture study. How awesome is that?

Anyway, LilyBelle00, keep your head up. Maybe you just need to find your passion. I hope you find peace. Know that God loves you and He is always just a prayer away. You don't even have to wait until you get home. Say a prayer while you are driving. Say a prayer while you cry in the car. I have said many prayers to Him while crying in the shower!

Find a quote that inspires you and tape it to your sun visor in your car, your desk at work (or locker), or anywhere that you will see it often.

This is on my visor of my minivan:

Mark 5:36 Be not afraid, only believe. (This one quote helped me get through full-time college and full-time work, while being a wife and mother.)

The following quote has helped me through rough times too:

"No matter how serious the trial, how deep the distress, how great the affliction, [God] will never desert us. He never has, and He never will. He cannot do it. It is not His character. He is an unchangeable being; the same yesterday, the same today, and He will be the same throughout the eternal ages to come....We may pass through the fiery furnace; we may pass through deep waters; but we shall not be consumed nor overwhelmed. We shall emerge from all these trials and difficulties the better and purer for them, if we only trust in our God and keep His commandments." ~George Q. Cannon, "Freedom of the Saints," 2:185

My favorite part: "...we shall not be consumed nor overwhelmed."

Much Love! ~TG

[Guest ldsashley]

Lilybelle, it makes me angry that the cashier said that to you! She had no right. She didn't know you or your situation. And there is a big difference between moms not WANTING to raise their own kids and moms doing what they have to to provide for them! I grew up with a working mom and I turned out just fine, and my relationship with her is great. I would still say that she and my dad are the ones who raised me, not the babysitter.

I really do feel for you - needing to work and wanting to be at home is really hard. Here's what I find fo rme: OIt's all about my frame of mind. When I dwell on the fact that I wish I was at home, I feel really crappy. I think things like "I hate being a working mom" when I have to get my son out of bed early so I can take him to to the day home. My son's arm got bit at the day home, and I blamed myself because if I wasn't working, that wouldn't have happened. How ridiculous is that? Anyway, what I'm trying to say is if I focus on that, everything seems so much worse.

What really helped me to start to be at peace is that I realized one day that I DO have a choice. I had been dwelling on the concept that I had no choice but to work. I realized that if I stopped working right now, we'd have to file for bankruptcy, we'd lose our home, and we'd be dependent on others/the church to provide the basics for our son. So I realized that's obviously not the life I want for him, so I am making a CHOICE to work, so he can have a good, stable life. Even though I know it seems sort of silly to look at it this way, it helps me to remember that no one is forcing me to work, I'm doing it for the good of my family.

I dont' know what will help you to be at peace with this, because I don't know you... maybe you need to find a job you care more about than the bank, maybe it's just a frame of mind thing. But I know that the Savior can help you to be at peace with this. It is SO hard, but you CAN overcome it.

[Guest ldsashley]

tasilyn - your comment made me smile :) I grew up with a working mom and a stay at home Dad. After mutual, the leaders would always ask me "is your mom coming to pick you up?" and I'd say "No, my Dad is" and they'd look at me funny. lol

[LilyBelle00]

Thank you, Ashley. I do think that it helps to think of it as a choice. I grew up with a SAHM... and we were dirt poor. Not happy poor, dirt poor. Government assistance and housing poor. Growing up like that and always feeling ashamed made a huge impact on me. I want my kids to have better. We still struggle sometimes but at least I can afford new clothes and shoes for my two kids when they need them.

I do need to try to focus on that more than feeling sorry for myself.