Full of bitterness

[christyml]

So my sister in law has treated me like trash since day one.

She's been nice to my face, but nasty to me behind my back.

She has told her brother (my husband) that he could have done so much better than me and that he was just afraid that no one would want him, and that he just took the first "thing" that found him attractive.

I asked her if I had done or said anything to her that offended her, and if I had, if there was something I could do to make it right. She said that me just being me offended her and that there was nothing I could do to make it "right".

She had the nerve to ask me if my husband and I would take her back to where we lived (after visiting her family) so she could visit her friends maybe a week after she said some nasty things to me. I said yes, and I told her I forgave her, and that I didn't want to have negative feelings toward each other. She agreed. Well, a few weeks after we took her, she was back to talking nasty about me. It hasn't changed.

She is not a very nice person. She brags about how great she is at everything, she's loud and if you don't like her, she makes sure everyone doesn't like you. She is very righteous in her religion and she acts like she has no sin. Yet everyone loves her.

Here comes where I am bitter.

She is obsessed with this guy. He is in turn, obsessed with her. She says they aren't technically dating, but they probably will start dating when she moves back to school. My bitterness is that she doesn't deserve anyone! I know that me feeling that way is making me just as bad as she is, but I feel like, Where is God? Why is He letting her be happy when all she has done to me is make me feel like garbage? I feel like He's rubbing her happiness in my face. I know it's not Him (it's Satan), but why can't I just let it go? I mean letting go of everything; her treating me so badly, the fact that she is so prideful, and that she's just not a good person. I've prayed hard about it, but I still have no answer. I'm still praying about it, but what do I do in the meantime (while waiting for an answer)?

[skippy740]

She is not a very nice person. She brags about how great she is at everything, she's loud and if you don't like her, she makes sure everyone doesn't like you. She is very righteous in her religion and she acts like she has no sin. Yet everyone loves her.

Matthew 6:2

2 Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

Here comes where I am bitter.

She is obsessed with this guy. He is in turn, obsessed with her. She says they aren't technically dating, but they probably will start dating when she moves back to school. My bitterness is that she doesn't deserve anyone! I know that me feeling that way is making me just as bad as she is, but I feel like, Where is God? Why is He letting her be happy when all she has done to me is make me feel like garbage? I feel like He's rubbing her happiness in my face. I know it's not Him (it's Satan), but why can't I just let it go? I mean letting go of everything; her treating me so badly, the fact that she is so prideful, and that she's just not a good person. I've prayed hard about it, but I still have no answer. I'm still praying about it, but what do I do in the meantime (while waiting for an answer)?

D&C 98 - my favorite section about forgiveness... and a little about sins unto the 3rd and 4th generation! Read from verse 19 to the end of the section.

Doctrine and Covenants 98Â*

http://ts4.mm.bing.net/th?id=H.5048760744412379&pid=1.7

[selek]

ChristyML,

The type of resentment you are engaging in is both self-defeating and not-Christ-like.

It's like drinking poison in the hopes that your sister-in-law will die.

As you have already noted- it is corrosive to your happiness, and has not the slightest effect on her.

To answer your question: "Where is God? Why is He letting her be happy when all she has done to me is make me feel like garbage?"

God causes the rain to fall on the just and the unjust alike. He also allows the wicked to ripen fully in their iniquity before calling them to task.

God's justice WILL be done- sooner or later.

This may be one of your particular trials (at least in the short term).

The Lord has said, "I will forgive whom I will forgive. But I require of you to forgive ALL men."

That means you have to forgive even your sister-in-law (in my case, the trial is my father-in-law, so I can relate).

How can the Lord extend forgiveness and mercy unto you when you refuse to extend it to her?

You need to review 3 Nephi 14-15 (also Matthew 6: 14-15) and ponder these things in your heart.

Let's put it another way: suppose tomorrow that God decided to indulge your wish for retribution (be honest- you want vengeance, not justice) and strikes her down with boils, frogs, locusts, and IRS agents.

Other than your pleasure in her suffering, what will that accomplish? No eternal truths have changed. No eternal principles will have been reaffirmed.

Consider that for a moment- and then ask yourself what sort of person takes pleasure in another person's suffering?

Do you really want to be that sort of person?

I feel like He's rubbing her happiness in my face. I know it's not Him (it's Satan), but why can't I just let it go?

I have a lot of issues with this statement, not the least of which is the sheer hubris and ego involved.

Do you realize how arrogant it is to assume that God- our Heavenly Father, creator, ruler, regulator, and magistrate of the entire freakin' universe- is taking time away from his busy schedule just to mess with you?

I'm pretty sure I don't rate that high on God's to-do list.

And I'm pretty sure you don't either.

I've prayed hard about it, but I still have no answer. I'm still praying about it, but what do I do in the meantime (while waiting for an answer)?

Honest answer? Find someone to serve.

Volunteer at the Bishop's storehouse, help out at the local soup kitchen, go down and help sort clothes for the Salvation Army (or the local DI).

Do something productive and selfless for someone else in need.

And stop letting your sister-in-law live rent-free in your head.

[Wingnut]

Let's put it another way: suppose tomorrow that God decided to indulge your wish for retribution (be honest- you want vengeance, not justice) and strikes her down with boils, frogs, locusts, and IRS agents.

LOL!!

Honest answer? Find someone to serve.

Volunteer at the Bishop's storehouse, help out at the local soup kitchen, go down and help sort clothes for the Salvation Army (or the local DI).

Do something productive and selfless for someone else in need.

YES!!

And stop letting your sister-in-law live rent-free in your head.

If you're friends with your sister-in-law on Facebook, hide her from your news feed! Your life will have far less drama in it if you do, I promise! (I have a similar sister-in-law.)

[Guest]

"You don't have to attend every conflict you're invited to."

Put your energy into your own life. What she thinks of you isn't your problem, it's hers. What she says is telling people what kind of person she is, not what kind of person you are.

[christyml]

ChristyML,

The type of resentment you are engaging in is both self-defeating and not-Christ-like.

It's like drinking poison in the hopes that your sister-in-law will die.

As you have already noted- it is corrosive to your happiness, and has not the slightest effect on her.

To answer your question: "Where is God? Why is He letting her be happy when all she has done to me is make me feel like garbage?"

God causes the rain to fall on the just and the unjust alike. He also allows the wicked to ripen fully in their iniquity before calling them to task.

God's justice WILL be done- sooner or later.

This may be one of your particular trials (at least in the short term).

The Lord has said, "I will forgive whom I will forgive. But I require of you to forgive ALL men."

That means you have to forgive even your sister-in-law (in my case, the trial is my father-in-law, so I can relate).

How can the Lord extend forgiveness and mercy unto you when you refuse to extend it to her?

You need to review 3 Nephi 14-15 (also Matthew 6: 14-15) and ponder these things in your heart.

Let's put it another way: suppose tomorrow that God decided to indulge your wish for retribution (be honest- you want vengeance, not justice) and strikes her down with boils, frogs, locusts, and IRS agents.

Other than your pleasure in her suffering, what will that accomplish? No eternal truths have changed. No eternal principles will have been reaffirmed.

Consider that for a moment- and then ask yourself what sort of person takes pleasure in another person's suffering?

Do you really want to be that sort of person?

I have a lot of issues with this statement, not the least of which is the sheer hubris and ego involved.

Do you realize how arrogant it is to assume that God- our Heavenly Father, creator, ruler, regulator, and magistrate of the entire freakin' universe- is taking time away from his busy schedule just to mess with you?

I'm pretty sure I don't rate that high on God's to-do list.

And I'm pretty sure you don't either.

Honest answer? Find someone to serve.

Volunteer at the Bishop's storehouse, help out at the local soup kitchen, go down and help sort clothes for the Salvation Army (or the local DI).

Do something productive and selfless for someone else in need.

And stop letting your sister-in-law live rent-free in your head.

I don't know how to quote specific things like you did....

I know it's not Christ-like. This is why I feel bad about it. I KNOW better than to want vengeance on anyone.

Thank you for putting it into perspective for me, and for your advice. It will be very helpful.

[christyml]

"You don't have to attend every conflict you're invited to."

Put your energy into your own life. What she thinks of you isn't your problem, it's hers. What she says is telling people what kind of person she is, not what kind of person you are.

I know that, I just wish everyone else could see what she truly acts like. I wish your character could be shown through with what you look like and people knew that if you were uglier, you were meaner. She wouldn't be as pretty as she is, and everyone would see her for what she really is.

[Wingnut]

[christyml]

Thanks! And LOL!

EDIT: This was a reply to the very first reply...sorry. I'm still getting the hang of this site....

[derblitzenator]

Remember that we have a choice whether we let the actions of others affect us or not. If your path is like mine, you are going to come across a lot of doubters, haters, and/or antagonists who will try to whittle you down to their level. Your job is to drown out the negative voices and embrace those people who build you up. If this means limiting contact with her until she changes her tone with you, then so be it. I wouldn't be afraid to let her know that her relationship with you will be limited until the time comes that she treats you with respect. If that never happens, then the relationship will always be limited. It sounds like a lose-lose relationship now, so the boundaries need to be set that you can co-exist in the long-term.

[Guest]

I think you're just going to have to pray really hard to not have so much hate and anger in your heart, and to not wish bad upon her. The only person that hurts is you.

[MorningStar]

I know it's hard, but pray for her and be kind.

[selek]

One other thought: yes, what you're dealing with is counterproductive and potentially unhealthy- but its also perfectly natural.

We are all of us works-in-progress.

Strive to be better than you are, but don't beat yourself up because you're not perfect (yet).

[YaYaYaYana]

"You don’t ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. It doesn’t matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend, or a new acquaintance — you don’t have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It’s one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and continues to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go."

A quote I read on Tumblr a while ago ... and felt that this really fits.... You deserve to be happy... It seems that this Sister in Laws happiness comes from bragging about her self and making you unhappy..... You can't let toxic people like that just come in and ruin your life...

I know I should say " Be Christ Like and Learn to Forgive Her.." In the long run you SHOULD!!

But in the mean time... You have to let her know that you can't have her damaging you soul like that...... If there is absolutley no way of turning her around.....

I suggest that you let her know that she is quite Toxic... Tell her she is A GARBAGE GIRL.... She Is toxic WASTE and that you want her out of her life if she is not willing to change ...... and to add to that I know this is a little extreme but...I suggest that you some- how secretly tape her and you conversation and show everyone she knows and you know how she treats you.... Build a strong support Net Work around you.... Find out her insecurities and her troubles ... Attack her with your words.. aim straight for her soul... get your friends to help... and when she breaks down and cries ... than You hold out you hand and say lets stop this ... I forgive you ... and if you don't like me... you can't treat me like trash ... but stay out of my way...... Give her a taste of her own medicine and Get out ...... This is how you deal with Bullies .... And she is a version of A bully... An adult bully...........

I've gotten bullies down on their knees... In middle school ..... in High school... Even 2 years ago in college... You get a strong support network and drive them away through fear... or get them suppressed by fear....

Maybe she will always hate you... But at least she will shut her mouth and be passive if she knows you and a large group of your friends can Easily take her down at any time..

Love~ Yana

P.S ~ If you have to deal with this lady for life... Might as well hold the power in your hands and keep her under your feet ! <3

~ I'm sorry if this seems offensive of too aggressive to some.... But sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures.... if she at one point in her life owes up to her behavior and ask you to forgive her... than you can go ahead and be friends or be on good terms at least.... but there is no way you should put up with her until she comes around on her own... Sure she will say sorry one day... but what if it takes 3 ,4 ,5 years.. will you lets her ruin so many good years???......

Edited March 16, 2013 by YaYaYaYana

[MorningStar]

I think you need to consider your husband's feelings before you call his sister a "Garbage Girl". :)

My husband has a sister who gets rather difficult when she's not getting her way and was rather nasty towards me, but I decided to act clueless, which drove her nuts because her usual methods to getting under someone's skin wasn't working. And I smile a lot to show her she's not bothering me. Bwah hahahahahaaaaaa!!!!

[BadWolf]

One of my favorite quotes:

Forgiveness = Giving up all hope for a better past.

________________________

For the present? Some practical ways to get toxic thinking barreled :

1) Get outside yourself by helping others

2) The "And Then What?" Game.

God DOESN'T let her have any happiness in her life, because she was mean to you.

And then what?

She lives a life of pain, misery, & suffering.

And then what?

She never has the opportunity to grow or become better as a person/spirit

And then what?

She makes no one else's life better for her being in it. And then what?

And then what?

An innumerable number of spirits lost.

And then what?

God, in his justness, allows NO ONE to be happy who has ever been mean to anyone.

And then what?

All children die, to punish their parents

And then what?

... Really it just gets super bleak at this point. Dante style bleak.

The "And then what?" Game works for a LOTTA stuff

Both negative

And positive

I want to throw a bday party for my husband

And then what?

I need to plan it

And then what?

I need to work out a budget

And then what?

I'm FAT!!! I'm never eating again!

And then what?

I starve to death

Okay... Maybe not the best idea.

But! I'll stop before I die?

And then what?

I'll just live with major organ damage,

Okay. No sweets!

And then what?

No birthday cake.

Okay. Perhaps I limit my sweets to special occasions.

But it REALLY works on the Itty Bitty Snitty Commitee that can rant/resent/throw a snit whenever anything goes wrong, or not as right as it might.

ATW? ... Instead of keeping one firmly in the past (which can't be changed) moves ones focus to the present/future... Where one CAN change things.

And hey, who knows?

Maybe Dude is the only person in the hemisphere who can teach her compassion.

Although, by being mean to you, I bet you're getting the "oppurtunity" to learn and practice compassion yourself. As well as how to lay boundaries, explore your own spiritual foundations, help others, etc. I personally loathe these "opportunities". Just not as much as I loathe learning nothing from events/people Id rather have not had to experience.