Adult son involved in sexual relationship with a minor

[Vort]

Note I am not discussing what the law should be, or how any moral imperatives may supersede the law, just what the law is.

I realize you are not a lawyer. If you believe that you have dirty and possibly illegal pictures cached on your hard drive or even remaining there after being "erased", what do you think you should do? JAG, do you have a legal take on this question?

[Jennarator]

This is a reply to the OP. I would seriously consider turning in your son. Tough love is "tough."

I just think that it is a good idea so that you, as the parent won't be in any trouble. Also, it will wake up you son more than anything else. Threats mean nothing to some people. He hasn't stopped, you warned. Time for some action.

I don't know the laws, but I know that if I would have known about what was going on in my house, with my ex, when I was still married to him, I would have been arrested. (This was drug related not sex related) My point is if you have knowledge of illegal things, sometimes you can be arrested for not acting on it.

I know this is true in many states with child abuse as once I HAD to report a neighbor something, just to be safe. I reported it as possible and that the child told me such and such. From there they investigated. I was told, had I not reported, I could have been in big trouble.

I have made it very clear to my own children that if they do anything illegal I will turn them in, to protect my other children. They all know this. You child knows better, you warned him how serious things can be, now you need to act.

That's my opinion. I totally understand if you don't take it, since it is a really, really hard thing to do, our job as a parent is to protect our children, I just think in a round about way, turning them in might be a form of protecting them before things get worse.

[Dravin]

I realize you are not a lawyer. If you believe that you have dirty and possibly illegal pictures cached on your hard drive or even remaining there after being "erased", what do you think you should do?

Chances are I'd end up deleting them without thinking about it if they were from something like a virus or miss-click or what have you. If it's there because I suspect my son, whom I am rather seriously considering turning over to the police for possession of child pornography, put it there I'd look into talking with a lawyer. If discussing things with a lawyer was not possible for some reason I'd probably when I turned my son into the police and explain to them that I suspect he stored child pornography on my computer to which he has access. Consider the context of this thread to understand JAG's warning. In a thread discussing the possibility that the son possesses child pornography and has stored some on the OP's computer you have people discussing how to destroy those images. Those images, if they exist, are evidence of the son's crime. Considering people are discussing turning in the son that this may be happening prior to an expected state investigation isn't a foreign idea. The context of this thread is not, "I got a virus that put some pornography on my computer, how do I make sure it's gone forever?"

Edited May 20, 2013 by Dravin

[annewandering]

If there is porn on my computer it is going to be erased period. I dont care who or why it was put there. It is not staying. Pft to the law enforcement. Its my computer.

If the person doing it is being booted from the house then all the better.

[Vort]

Chances are I'd end up deleting them without thinking about it if there were from something like a virus or miss-click or what have you. If it's there because I suspect my son, whom I am rather seriously considering turning over to the police for possession of child pornography, put it there I'd look into talking with a lawyer. If discussing things with a lawyer was not possible for some reason I'd probably when I turned my son into the police explain to them that I suspect he may have stored child pornography on my computer to which he has access. Consider the context of this thread to understand JAG's warning. In a thread discussing the possibility that the son possesses child pornography and has stored some on the OP's computer you have people discussing how to destroy those images. Those images, if they exist, are evidence for the son's crime. Considering people are discussing turning in the son that this may be happening prior to an expected state investigation isn't a foreign idea. The context of this thread is not, "I got a virus that put some pornography on my computer how do I make sure it's gone forever?"

Very fair point. I myself have on occasion criticized a poster for ignoring the context of a thread, so I should know better than to have done the same.

[Jennarator]

If there is porn on my computer it is going to be erased period. I dont care who or why it was put there. It is not staying. Pft to the law enforcement. Its my computer.

If the person doing it is being booted from the house then all the better.

Porn is not illegal, child porn is.

[annewandering]

If it is child porn it is for sure not staying and neither is the person doing it. I am not the police and its my computer.

[Just_A_Guy]

I realize you are not a lawyer. If you believe that you have dirty and possibly illegal pictures cached on your hard drive or even remaining there after being "erased", what do you think you should do? JAG, do you have a legal take on this question?

If I bought a used computer that turned out to have child porn on it, I imagine I would probably notify the local police department and either cooperate with them, or (if they don't seem interested) ask them for a written statement that they do not intend to investigate and that I am free to scrub the data. Utah, at least, takes child porn very seriously.

And more generally--the fact that you meant no harm, doesn't mean you won't get charged.

[Guest Patric7olicoe]

We are at a complete loss. HELP!

[Smeagums]

I find it absolutely crazy that people here would turn their own son in! What great advice! Now he can go register as a sex offender and have his life ruined and every person he comes in contact with or every neighborhood he moves into will think he is a pervert! Being rebellious and fornicating, although very bad, is far different than sexual assault and child pornography!

Bravo!

This guy isn't a child porn addict. The 16 or 17 year old who wants sex will get it and it doesn't matter to them if their partner is 16, 17, 18 and so forth.

Sure this young man is treading dangerous waters but comparing him the way people are is ludicrous. I am sure there are countless relationships of high school couples having sex where one is under the legal age while the other is above it.

JMHO

[Just_A_Guy]

It may, or may not, be registerable as a sex offense (not all of them are).

But the law generally reserves such matters to itself. "This will ruin my [kid's] life" is not a valid legal defense.

[Jennarator]

I agree with just a guy. I actually know someone that is now married, hold a temple recommend and has kids. He is NOT a perv. But he is a registered sex offender. He knows it's from a mistake. He takes responsibility for it.

I am tired of people not taking responsibility for the things they do.

You should do what is right to do what is right, not to try to get out of being in trouble. (Or for whatever other reason)

[Smeagums]

I agree with just a guy. I actually know someone that is now married, hold a temple recommend and has kids. He is NOT a perv. But he is a registered sex offender. He knows it's from a mistake. He takes responsibility for it.

I am tired of people not taking responsibility for the things they do.

You should do what is right to do what is right, not to try to get out of being in trouble. (Or for whatever other reason)

I'm all for doing what is right and for people taking responsibility but our legal system doesn't really make it easy for those who have genuinely made mistakes and have subsequently repented of them.

Thank the Lord that Christ frankly forgives us!

[LilyBelle00]

I haven't read all the replies but I just wanted to share my husband's experience.

When he was 17 he was seeing a girl who was 15. This was before I met him and years before he joined the church. It wasn't looked at as a big deal, really. They had known each other for awhile and their parents were friendly with each other. My husband had always been welcomed into the girl's home.

They weren't technically dating... My husband was just a dumb 17 year old who thought he was in love and the girl was just a dumb 15 year old who was just realizing that sex got her stuff from boys. She was messing around with other boys and he knew it. Teenage drama. Her parents, like you said, knew she was wild but were in denial about what was going on.

Anyway, one day she was at a party and a guy there was giving her alcohol and one thing led to another... Afterwards she called my husband to come get her. He drove to the place she was and ended up in a fist fight with the guy. The cops were called and the fight was broke up. The girl was taken home. Everything seemed fine.

A couple days later my husband got arrested at his job. Apparently when the police took the girl home her parents demanded to know what was going on and how many people she had been with and who. Then they called the police with a list of names.

My husband was charged with all sorts of disgusting crimes because of this and all they had done was have sex a couple times. He spent a weekend in jail and his parents had to post bail. He went to court several times only for it to be postponed repeatedly. The lawyer said it was because they had no proof of anything and just wanted to make an example out of some of the guys because this sort of thing was happening a lot.

He was still in high school. It was really hard on him because his name had been in the paper listing these charges. Her name and age wasn't printed so it just said things like "minor" and "child".

He was on house arrest when I met him. Imagine trying to convince a girl to date you after all that!

Luckily after three long years everything was dropped.

So yes, people get into big trouble for a lot less! It's a big deal!

My husband is the greatest man I've ever met! We have two beautiful children and he's respected in the church. I'm so thankful that this wasn't able to ruin his life. He made a stupid mistake when he was young but he learned a big lesson from it and shares it often with others who seem to be making the same mistake.

Your son needs to realize that the consequences of this can be huge.

[dahlia]

Gee whiz, OP, will you please find out what the law is in your jurisdiction regarding sex with a 'minor.'

You guys are going way off the deep end for something that might not be a legal issue. The idea that the OP, ignorant of so many of the facts, would turn her son in for child abuse (?) or some other sexually related crime is absurd. The ramifications of such a charge are life altering. Even if charges are dropped or the child found 'not guilty,' you do not want that charge hanging over your head the rest of your life. There is a reason why states have changed the law to omit sex between older teens from the child abuse/rape laws.

"And more generally--the fact that you meant no harm, doesn't mean you won't get charged. " Darn right. I would not open this can of worms on my child for all the hot cocoa in Utah.

This is not to say I wouldn't turn in a child abuser, but what I see here (absent any statement of the law of the relevant jurisdiction) are 2 kids engaging in things that young people do, but happen to be against the rules of the Church and the parents are upset. Find out what the law is in your state. If the young man is endangering himself legally, then of course you need to tell him what might happen. If he can't conform his behavior legally, and morally as you see it, then he's on his own - out of your house and with no attachment to ma and pa's wallet.

And because it has to be said - what's up with females sending nude pictures OVER A FREAKING PHONE to their boyfriends? Do you guys know that girls have committed suicide over this stuff because the pictures end up going viral either on the net or between the boy's 'friends'? Why would you take the risk? Dumb dumb dumb

[applepansy]

I find it absolutely crazy that people here would turn their own son in!

My son died at age 21. The years between age 12 and age 21 were pure hell. At one time I did call the cops. Although it wasn't a sexual crime it still put our family at risk.

I would do it again. Some teenagers need a harder knock up the side of the head.

[Torn]

After many discussions and even viewing his computer, there were no pictures to be found. The "source" of the pictures came from a friend who said she had witnessed said girl texting him pictures. He swears she never sent him any. He swears there was no sexual contact with her (though admits there was sexual contact and plenty of pictures of his last GF, who was 16 at the time - he was 18 but those pictures are no longer on his phone and he isn't the type to "share" photos with anyone).

Then he broke up with the girl... because he finally figured out he couldn't live with all the LYING she was doing - by telling people, including my other children, that she was involved in a sexual relationship with him - which he was not.

I will never understand what goes through some teenage girls heads - why they would do this to themselves?

[Wordnerd]

My son died at age 21. The years between age 12 and age 21 were pure hell. At one time I did call the cops. Although it wasn't a sexual crime it still put our family at risk.

I would do it again. Some teenagers need a harder knock up the side of the head.

My condolences and you are absolutely correct. My stepson had to have the police called several times, be kicked out of our home and his mothers, and spend time in juvie and then a group home before he started to get a clue. Some kids are just determined to learn the hard way.