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scrappingmom
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scrappingmom

scrappingmom

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I'm new to this group. I have been married 21 years. They have been very challenging because we are very different people. I think I married him because I was worried that I wouldn't find anyone else, as I was 24 and getting ready to graduate from BYU. I think he married me because I gave him attention. He was 29 and very single. Now I understand why. When I prayed about marrying him, I was told he was a good man. I guess I thought I loved him.

Now all we do is argue. He tells me that I'm emotionally co-dependent and he doesn't want to be sealed to me in the eternities. I've acutally thought the same thing. The problem is not then, it's now. I want to leave because I'm just tired of dealing with him and not feeling like he meets my needs. But, I'm afraid to be on my own. I do get depressed and would not fair well with the separation. We only have one daughter and she's on a mission now. I thought it was bad for our friends to divorce while their son was on a mission, and here I am contemplating it. I've been thinking about it for several months. I'm in graduate school right now and really can't afford to live on my own while continuing school.

I just don't know if I should stick it out or if I should call it quits. I just am so done with this marriage crap. I can't really talk to anyone. I have a bishop who really doesn't care.

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Quin

Quin

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If all it is is a money issue (and assuming you're stateside, if not, I have no clue)

You won't qualify for mondo-financial aid until the divorce is final. Once it IS...

- A significantly larger tuition & living as your EFC will be much lower

- Student subsidized housing/ healthcare/ counseling (course, there's LDS family services for counseling), and everything else you don't currently qualify for as a married w/ income spent.

BEFORE things are final... Start writing for grants NOW. For next year. I'd generally get about 1:25 to 1:50 that I wrote for. I wrote hundreds. And recieved 10's of thousands in grants & scholarships. I suspect you're already doing this to an extent... But being able to do it without worrying about your husband's income imputed... So you don't have to worry about exceeding your aid limit is kind of "wow".

Look into student/proffesional house sharing though your school website, and even LDS listings through Craigslist. Often, one can stay in a fairly posh house for 25% of what you'd pay renting a dingy apartment with lackluster management. Roommates, in my experience, are NOTHING after being in an acrimonious marriage. Things that might have bothered me in my 20s were complete non-issues. Also... After separating, I wasn't rooming with 20-something's. at least not young ones. Med & law & phD students, single professionals, etc.

...

Consult with an attorney to fid out the probably/maybe/probably not scenarios.

Getting the numbers in black & white is a HUGE help (in what you can expect to get, and to pay).

This service is usually free.

Anyhow... Just some thoughts from divorce-land

Q

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Smudge

Smudge

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I agree that you need someone to talk to.

Have you looked into marraige counselling or even just counselling to help deal with the depression (as it sounds like the the depression is a reaction to the situation rather than purely caused by chemical imbalances).

I would also suggest seeking a priesthood blessing.

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Praetorian_Brow

Praetorian_Brow

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Its actually interesting to note that women who want divorce, are usually supported on these forums, but men seeking divorce are given the rack and pinion. Double standards. Perhaps it is presentation though, as it seems one gender is more likely to present themselves in a more socially accepted light.

21 years is a long time for your "needs not to be met". What are your needs that are not being met? I think there is more to this situation than has been described.

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skippy740

skippy740

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Its actually interesting to note that women who want divorce, are usually supported on these forums, but men seeking divorce are given the rack and pinion. Double standards. Perhaps it is presentation though, as it seems one gender is more likely to present themselves in a more socially accepted light.

21 years is a long time for your "needs not to be met". What are your needs that are not being met? I think there is more to this situation than has been described.

Let's see... is she planning to abandon minor-age children with one on the way? No. If anything, she "stayed for the children".

Right now, she feels more alone and needs someone to talk to, to gain clarity. That's all a discussion forum can really do - offer clarity. By writing things out, all you have is the tone you read into the text.

She feels alone. That's why she says that "her bishop doesn't care". I didn't tell her TO divorce her husband, or NOT to. I simply want her to gain clarity.

Most men seem to 'whine' about their spouses. However, after diving deeper, we find out there's more addiction to the story - such as pornography. We find out that they think "they married the wrong person". Men whining about their spouse seem to want permission to leave right now, regardless of the situation at home.

If you want to refer to UtesDad's thread - he has 2 children and one on the way... and NOW he's contemplating divorce? What kind of a man does this? You don't bring children into a marriage where you are unhappy.

Two completely different situations, and to compare them is unfair.

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Praetorian_Brow

Praetorian_Brow

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No comparison intended, just a general observation. As in divorce court and in general church setting, its usually the women who are given more consideration, so its not surprising that this forum would be any different.

You just observed that men whine, which I suppose women don't. Perhaps it is presentation. I, as a man, see things as is, but in my experience, women present things as they believe will garner the best social outcome. Anyway, I digress and shall withdraw.

Why does she feel alone, is it simply because she feels ignored by her husband? What are her needs that aren't being met? There is more going on than meets the eye, as in all cases, but I am curious for more details to determine my e-advice.

Writing is a good step, scrappingmom.

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Quin

Quin

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No comparison intended, just a general observation. As in divorce court and in general church setting, its usually the women who are given more consideration, so its not surprising that this forum would be any different.

You just observed that men whine, which I suppose women don't. Perhaps it is presentation. I, as a man, see things as is, but in my experience, women present things as they believe will garner the best social outcome. Anyway, I digress and shall withdraw.

Why does she feel alone, is it simply because she feels ignored by her husband? What are her needs that aren't being met? There is more going on than meets the eye, as in all cases, but I am curious for more details to determine my e-advice.

Writing is a good step, scrappingmom.

Bold is mine....

Sadly, not in the state I divorced in :(

Total pendulum swing in the other direction.

Father's rights groups have been so active, that

- even in long term marriages (10-20+ years) alimony is almost never awarded, and if it is, only a very limited amount & time. More than 2 years is virtually unheard of, and even rarer that its over 10% of imputed income. More typically 5% or less.

- Even in cases of proven child abuse, and domestic assault & battery, fathers are awarded 50% custody. I spent over 20k "proving" my ex's abuse. Waste of money. All he had to do was attend a weekend anger management seminar. Broken bones, 2 serious attempts on our child's life... And while the JUDGE said he wished I'd run since his hands were tied (my ex completed the seminar, so he got 50% custody), the courts general attitude was that I should be "grateful" his father wanted to be involved. :vomit:

Q

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NeuroTypical

NeuroTypical

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Its actually interesting to note that women who want divorce, are usually supported on these forums, but men seeking divorce are given the rack and pinion. Double standards.
Well, I can't speak to other posters, just me and my opinions. I don't think I have a double standard at work.

I honestly don't care much about what grown adults do to each other. When dependent children are involved, I'm much more full of opinion. I don't care which is the unhappy spouse, it's pretty much always in the best interests of the children, that the marriage remain intact until they're up and out.

My opinion, however, is not "kids are better off in an unhappy home than a broken home". My opinion is "the adults in the situation should get over themselves and act in the best interests of their children".

Sometimes this is something you can't do alone. I'd recommend joint marriage counseling. Stuff like this: "Ok, so I'm an emotional codependent. I'll be working on that with a professional every Tuesday at 3. Please come with me. You need to come and work on your stuff too if you want the marriage to not fall apart. If not, well, I guess we'll both be writing letters to our kid."

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Smudge

Smudge

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I don't care which is the unhappy spouse, it's pretty much always in the best interests of the children, that the marriage remain intact until they're up and out.

I don't agree - there are times when children are better off in a broken home! If my mother had stayed with my father for the sake of my sister and I we would have had a much worse life than we did have - I am not saying that life after the divorce was easy I was the oldest child of a disabled adult! But compared to living in a home with an alcoholic who was so dependant on alcohol that he didn't even leave my mother with enough money to feed and cloth us and spent very little time with us when he was home! I know other people who have grown up in similar situations! Or in situations of abuse, or neglect caused because the parents are always arguing - in an ideal world to say the parents need to stay together would be great but in the real that is far from the case in many situations!

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NeuroTypical

NeuroTypical

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Posted (edited)
I don't care which is the unhappy spouse, it's pretty much always in the best interests of the children, that the marriage remain intact until they're up and out.
I don't agree - there are times when children are better off in a broken home!
Well, Abuse, addiction, adultry - when one or more of these three get out of control, it's a fair dealbreaker in my opinion. But if you put 1000 random American families in a room, the majority don't suffer from one of those out of control "broken home" situations. Would you agree? Remember, I'm saying "pretty much always" - not "always".
But compared to living in a home with an alcoholic who was so dependant on alcohol that he didn't even leave my mother with enough money to feed and cloth us and spent very little time with us when he was home! I know other people who have grown up in similar situations! Or in situations of abuse, or neglect caused because the parents are always arguing
Did you read my post? Where I said:
My opinion, however, is not "kids are better off in an unhappy home than a broken home". My opinion is "the adults in the situation should get over themselves and act in the best interests of their children".

Your story is, to a certain extent, a result of the choices of your parents. Well scrappingmom is here still making choices. She has the ability to influence to a great extent, her kiddo's story.

Edited by Loudmouth_Mormon
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Just_A_Guy

Just_A_Guy

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Its actually interesting to note that women who want divorce, are usually supported on these forums, but men seeking divorce are given the rack and pinion. Double standards. Perhaps it is presentation though, as it seems one gender is more likely to present themselves in a more socially accepted light.

21 years is a long time for your "needs not to be met". What are your needs that are not being met? I think there is more to this situation than has been described.

I submit that even in our modern society (and especially within openly patriarchal subcultures like Mormonism), there is a higher "cost" to marriage for females than there is for males. When a woman has made that kind of physical, emotional, and financial sacrifices for her husband that marriage usually entails, I think the husband generally does have a heightened moral obligation to see things through when marital difficulties arise.

But I also agree that there's probably more going on here than meets the eye.

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Vort

Vort

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I submit that even in our modern society (and especially within openly patriarchal subcultures like Mormonism), there is a higher "cost" to marriage for females than there is for males. When a woman has made that kind of physical, emotional, and financial sacrifices for her husband that marriage usually entails, I think the husband generally does have a heightened moral obligation to see things through when marital difficulties arise.

In traditional societies, I agree that women bore a proportionally higher cost for marriage than did men. I do not agree that such is the case today, at least not in any societal sense. As I occasionally do, I find myself in this case in agreement with the gist of PB's statement -- though I'm not sure I can agree with the rack and pinion part. Unless he's saying that the inequitable laws are designed to drive men mad.

Rack_and_pinion_animation.gif

Also, now that I've become an Adventure Time quasi-addict, I associate "PB" with "Princess Bubblegum". Not sure that Praetorian_Brow would appreciate the association.

Praetorian_Brow_120.jpgbth_equal.gifPrincessbubblegumchat.jpghelp.png

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