Husband finally brought up the "D" word after 6 mos of separation

[tumbledquartz]

So I was talking to my husband tonight about our current visitation schedule with the kids and how it's not really working, and the conversation turned to where the heck all this is leading. We've been separated for 6 months, just basically in limbo. The big question on both of our minds is whether we should work to reconcile or start the divorce process.

My husband's take on it is that he thinks I have all the benefits of our current situation and he has all the negatives. His reasoning for this is that he isn't getting sex and I am still getting his money.

He basically started pressuring me to have sex with him again, saying that he can't hold out forever and eventually if I won't go back to doing it, he wants to find someone else, hence the "divorce" discussion.

I tried to tell him that I don't have all the "benefits" just because I'm okay financially. That there are things I miss out on too, like companionship, etc. I also miss having sex, but that doesn't count for him because he thinks if I want it, I can just come get it anytime. He also thinks me having the kids most of the time is a benefit in my favor, which is true in some ways, but it's not always easy being a single mom either!

So, bottom line--and why I'm here asking for advice--is that he said that he knows what he wants (He wants sex, which is pretty straightforward), and he wants me to tell him what I want. And he clarified that the thing I want can't be for him to stop drinking because if I ask that, then he gets to ask me to lose weight. I'm not really sure how that works out in his mind, other than the fact that he said that giving up drinking would be even harder than losing weight, so therefore I should be prepared to lose weight if I ask him to quit drinking.

Here's my problem. I don't know what to ask for my "one thing" that I want from him. The thing that I want is for him to be a completely different person. I mean, he's drinking, smoking, swearing, he's inactive in the church, he's cheated on me and told me it's my fault because I'm not skinny enough.

But he's looking for me to tell him one thing I want him to do. As in: if you do X, then I'll have sex with you again.

On the one hand, he has a point. He knows exactly what he wants me to do, and how can he do what I want if I can't even tell him what that is??? But on the other hand, I am having a really hard time boiling down what I want into something to DO. I don't want him to DO something, I want him to BE something. But maybe that's too unrealistic to tell him what I want him to BE.

I want him to WANT me, not because I'm the only legal outlet for his sexual desires but because he loves ME. He seemed like he was somewhat on the right track recently when he told me he wanted me back. He said, "I don't even care that you're fat." (Just what every woman wants to hear.) But his comments today about not wanting to hear me ask him to quit drinking unless I'm willing to lose weight are evidence that that wasn't true.

I recently prayed about whether to try and reconcile with him or whether to seek a divorce, and the answer I got was to "wait on the Lord" so I don't know what to do. I'm thinking of asking my bishop for a blessing after church tomorrow, but I wanted to ask all of you for your thoughts too to help me sort things out.

Hit me with your best thoughts.

[Guest]

You deserve no less than unconditional love.

[Palerider]

I agree with the above comment

[Str8Shooter]

Agreed X2

[Quin]

Exchanging sex for things is known as prostitution.

Meaning... That's not the way marriage works.

I mean... Sure... It might be tempting to turn marriage into a business arrangement from time to time (either in flirtation or frustration), but it's not a good working model! There SHOULDNT be a "one thing" you trade sex for. Whether it's money or yard work or childcare. Trading sex for a thing = being pimped out or pimping yourself out. Even worse, though, is coercive sex. AKA sex being traded for good behavior / under threat of mistreatment. I'll be nice to you if you have sex with me/ I won't be mean to you if you have sex with me = W.R.O.N.G.

Q

[Suzie]

It seems like he wants legal sex, the problem with sexual intimacy is that it doesn't solve the current issues that caused the breakup in the first place, specially if those issues are of an emotional nature. Not to mention that if you are at some point really serious about getting a divorce, being intimate with him just because he feels to do it, is going to create the whole scenario into a long battle and tiring experience. It's going to make things worse.

Sex is great, no doubt but those mischievous endorphins can really make things look so differently right after having sex and make you forget for a little bit all the issues you had with your husband. I believe you deserve better than just becoming a "sex buddy" but that's just my opinion.

Wishing you all the best.

[Guest greengal]

As someone who is finishing up a divorce process (my ex got another girl pregnant while we were separated) I advise dont rush into anything yet-honor the response from the Lord. It sounds like he is frustrated and thinks the old status quo is better than nothing. That solves nothing.

I'm sorry about all this,

[ditd]

I think Eowyn put it the most succinctly - you deserve unconditional love

The thing that I want is for him to be a completely different person. I mean, he's drinking, smoking, swearing, he's inactive in the church, he's cheated on me...

As for your request for him to be a completely different person you might need to ask yourself the question honestly - can he be what you need?

If the answer was yes I know what my request would be to resolve the above issues - Request that he become 100% genuinely temple worthy.

[garryw]

If you are financially dependent on him (which it appears) now is the time to become financially independent just in case things don't work out. This means get a job and don't spend his money, not a dime. This will be good training for you if you are serious about divorce.

[mnn727]

That's not a marriage I would want to be a part of.