How do you see your spouse and your kids?

[Bini]

Kind of for fun and kind of for thoughtful discussion, too. How do you view your relationship with your spouse and your kids? Do you see your spouse as an equal to you in all things? Or, do you see your spouse as your better half? Maybe you see it the other way around? Are all your children equally loved and fairly treated? Or, do you have a favourite child that is easier to love and isn't required to do much for your affection? If this is the case, is it obvious to the rest of the family, or is it something you keep to yourself? Lastly, who comes first above all else? Your spouse or your children? And why? Could there ever be a scenario that changes this order of importance?

[Guest MormonGator]

I see Lady Gator as the Harley Quinn to my Joker. She's not my better half. We both hate that term. In our opinion only, we view each other as separate beings choosing to be together. We both think "In order to say I love you, one must first say I" We think that people who are together out of force or obligation cheapen love in a way. 

We also view ourselves as mega dorks who like Harry Potter and Star Wars 

 

 

Great, great question! I can't wait to see the answers

Edited October 29, 2015 by MormonGator

[Vort]

I am fine with the term "better half", as long as it's spoken tongue-in-cheek, or at least not used as a supposedly true description for one sex above the other (females over males, in pretty much every case).

 

That said...I believe my wife is a more virtuous person than I am in most of the important ways. I do have my strengths, and I add to our dynamic. But if we were to die today, I suspect her interview with our Creator would perhaps go a bit more smoothly than my own. But I am not qualified to judge either her or myself; these are just my impressions. The fact is that neither of us is alone before the Lord. We require each other.

 

As for children, I love all my children, and I absolutely do not have favorites. I do have some children that seem more similar to me than others, and in various activities or interests, some of my children respond more naturally to me than others. But I do not have favorites or least-favorites, absolutely not.

 

My spouse comes first, my children second. [EDIT: I agree with anatess that God comes first, as he must. But my response is the relative position of duty toward wife vs. toward children.] This is necessary, because the foundation of our family is the marriage between my wife and myself. I don't know if I can honestly say that I love my wife more than my children; somehow the idea of ranking my love for spouse vs. children seems perverse. I have told my each of my children that there is no one I love more than him or her, but I have also made it clear to them that Daddy and Mama are each other's #1. We always sit next to each other at Church and in other places, never with a child between us. It has been this way since our first child. This is intended as a token of our esteem for each other, a reminder both to our children and also to ourselves.

Edited October 29, 2015 by Vort

[Guest]

How do you view your relationship with your spouse and your kids?

 

I view my relationship with my spouse and kids as the same as God's relationship with our Heavenly Mother and Christ.  Yes, we couldn't quite make a smidgen alike as God, but that's what we consider as where we need to be headed towards.

 

 Do you see your spouse as an equal to you in all things?  Or, do you see your spouse as your better half?  Maybe you see it the other way around?

 

This "equal" question always confuses me.  My husband is 6'2", I'm 5'0" - we're not equal... so I concede that he is better at grabbing things on the top shelves.  If being equally capable of doing things is what it means to be equal, then we're not equal.  And that's perfectly fine with the both of us.  On the same token, he's not my better half either.  He may be better at grabbing things on the top shelves but I'm better at doing laundry.  So we both acknowledge there things he's better at, there are things I'm better at, there are things we're both good at, and there are things we both suck at.  That's just the way it is and we're perfectly okay with it.

 

Are all your children equally loved and fairly treated? Or, do you have a favourite child that is easier to love and isn't required to do much for your affection? If this is the case, is it obvious to the rest of the family, or is it something you keep to yourself?

 

There's only one way to love in my house.  And that is Christ's love.  No conditions.  There's no such thing as easier to love and affection is not really love.  We can be at each other's throats and it doesn't affect our love for each other.  We love despite each other's imperfections.  My kids grew up learning this.  So, my younger son likes making me breakfast and serving it to me in bed.  I told him He's my Favorite Son when he did this.  My older son knows with a surety it doesn't mean I love my younger son more.  I caught him telling his brother once - Don't do that.  You need to live up to your role as the Favorite Son.

 

Lastly, who comes first above all else? Your spouse or your children? And why? Could there ever be a scenario that changes this order of importance?

 

God comes first.  The marriage covenant that is the foundation of our eternal family is our promise to God.  My spouse and I made that covenant.  My children are born into it.  Therefore, my spouse and children contribute to that marriage covenant.  In the marital covenant, neither spouses nor children are above anybody else.  The marital covenant is above everybody else.  So, as it is my spouse and I that made the covenant, we are both responsible in keeping it.  Whoever is messing up the covenant needs to be brought back into the covenant by either of us.

Edited October 29, 2015 by anatess

[Bini]

In our opinion only, we view each other as separate beings choosing to be together. We both think "In order to say I love you, one must first say I" We think that people who are together out of force or obligation cheapen love in a way. 

 

I find your latter statement interesting and was wondering if you'd expand on it some more. Would you give an example of a couple 'forced' or 'obligated' in being together that fit your definition of cheapened love? Would I be wrong to assume something along the lines of an arranged marriage, or perhaps, a couple remaining married for their kids but that's it? Just for the record, I have mixed thoughts on this, and am not entirely in agreement or disagreement. Thanks for sharing :)

[Bini]

I am fine with the term "better half", as long as it's spoken tongue-in-cheek, or at least not used as a supposedly true description for one sex above the other (females over males, in pretty much every case).

 

That said...I believe my wife is a more virtuous person than I am in most of the important ways. I do have my strengths, and I add to our dynamic. But if we were to die today, I suspect her interview with our Creator would perhaps go a bit more smoothly than my own. But I am not qualified to judge either her or myself; these are just my impressions. The fact is that neither of us is alone before the Lord. We require each other.

 

As for children, I love all my children, and I absolutely do not have favorites. I do have some children that seem more similar to me than others, and in various activities or interests, some of my children respond more naturally to me than others. But I do not have favorites or least-favorites, absolutely not.

 

My spouse comes first, my children second. [EDIT: I agree with anatess that God comes first, as he must. But my response is the relative position of duty toward wife vs. toward children.] This is necessary, because the foundation of our family is the marriage between my wife and myself. I don't know if I can honestly say that I love my wife more than my children; somehow the idea of ranking my love for spouse vs. children seems perverse. I have told my each of my children that there is no one I love more than him or her, but I have also made it clear to them that Daddy and Mama are each other's #1. We always sit next to each other at Church and in other places, never with a child between us. It has been this way since our first child. This is intended as a token of our esteem for each other, a reminder both to our children and also to ourselves.

 

I relate to this post. Thank you for sharing, Vort.

 

I very much feel the same way when it comes to my spouse. I have used the term "my better half" in describing my husband but to really breakdown what the means to someone outside of our marriage, is difficult, and could easily be interpreted wrongly. I don't see myself lesser to him, or he being of more value than myself, but I do see him as a wonderful example. While he'll disagree because of his modest nature, I would even say that there are many virtues he has that I tend to feel I lack, or need much work on in comparison. He definitely gives me inspiration and motivation.

 

As of now, I only have one child, technically, or at least in the flesh. I am still anxiously awaiting to see how life will be with two children as opposed to just one. For the last four years I have invested all my heart and soul into my daughter, it's been hard to comprehend how my heart would grow in accepting a second child, but I shall soon find out. I don't fear having favourites, as I know each child is their own person and will have their own strengths and weaknesses, and I will love both of them no matter what. (Not sure how to make this last paragraph less corny.)

As for god. I see how my father looks to his creator first, followed by his wife, and then his children. While I see things differently, I can affirm that our family - though not perfect - was a loving one with a strong homestead. I'm proud to have a father that has a strong belief, even if I disagree, and continues to be a wonderful parent and grandpa in so many many ways. I think without his faith, he would be a very different man, not necessarily a lost man but not the man he is.

[Bini]

How do you view your relationship with your spouse and your kids?

 

I view my relationship with my spouse and kids as the same as God's relationship with our Heavenly Mother and Christ.  Yes, we couldn't quite make a smidgen alike as God, but that's what we consider as where we need to be headed towards.

 

 Do you see your spouse as an equal to you in all things?  Or, do you see your spouse as your better half?  Maybe you see it the other way around?

 

This "equal" question always confuses me.  My husband is 6'2", I'm 5'0" - we're not equal... so I concede that he is better at grabbing things on the top shelves.  If being equally capable of doing things is what it means to be equal, then we're not equal.  And that's perfectly fine with the both of us.  On the same token, he's not my better half either.  He may be better at grabbing things on the top shelves but I'm better at doing laundry.  So we both acknowledge there things he's better at, there are things I'm better at, there are things we're both good at, and there are things we both suck at.  That's just the way it is and we're perfectly okay with it.

 

Are all your children equally loved and fairly treated? Or, do you have a favourite child that is easier to love and isn't required to do much for your affection? If this is the case, is it obvious to the rest of the family, or is it something you keep to yourself?

 

There's only one way to love in my house.  And that is Christ's love.  No conditions.  There's no such thing as easier to love and affection is not really love.  We can be at each other's throats and it doesn't affect our love for each other.  We love despite each other's imperfections.  My kids grew up learning this.  So, my younger son likes making me breakfast and serving it to me in bed.  I told him He's my Favorite Son when he did this.  My older son knows with a surety it doesn't mean I love my younger son more.  I caught him telling his brother once - Don't do that.  You need to live up to your role as the Favorite Son.

 

Lastly, who comes first above all else? Your spouse or your children? And why? Could there ever be a scenario that changes this order of importance?

 

God comes first.  The marriage covenant that is the foundation of our eternal family is our promise to God.  My spouse and I made that covenant.  My children are born into it.  Therefore, my spouse and children contribute to that marriage covenant.  In the marital covenant, neither spouses nor children are above anybody else.  The marital covenant is above everybody else.  So, as it is my spouse and I that made the covenant, we are both responsible in keeping it.  Whoever is messing up the covenant needs to be brought back into the covenant by either of us.

 

Anatess, I love your explanation of "better half". It's a very literal interpretation and does make sense to me. It's not how I actually use the term but how you explained it, I would agree, hubby and I are different and unequal in many ways - and that's okay. 

[Guest MormonGator]

I find your latter statement interesting and was wondering if you'd expand on it some more. Would you give an example of a couple 'forced' or 'obligated' in being together that fit your definition of cheapened love? Would I be wrong to assume something along the lines of an arranged marriage, or perhaps, a couple remaining married for their kids but that's it? Just for the record, I have mixed thoughts on this, and am not entirely in agreement or disagreement. Thanks for sharing :)

 Sure, I apologize upfront for not being clear. 

In my view only, (and I would NEVER speak for her) we both place a super high value on freedom and individuality. We are together because we choose to be. If I call her my "better half" it implies she is a part of me, and I think that's the "obligation" part. I think it takes away her choice. I choose to stay with her-not because we are married (we are) not because we are sealed (we are) but because I love her for who she is. 

 

Again, just to be clear, it's how we live our lives. It is NOT an insult to peoples whose marriages are different. I am NOT saying our love is better/more intense or more moral than anyone elses.

Personally, I hope everyone has a truly wonderful marriage and I feel terrible for those who don't.  

And Bini-you were right. My OP was confusing. I'm can be as dense as....something really dense. I did not mean to offend anyone. Hope I didn't. 

Edited October 29, 2015 by MormonGator

[Jane_Doe]

Do you see your spouse as an equal to you in all things? Or, do you see your spouse as your better half? Maybe you see it the other way around? 

 

Nope: My husband and I are not equal in all things. I'm much better at doing laundry, but he can vacuum without spilling the bag all over the place.  I know how to call insurance and navigate their red-tape, but he knows how to not loose the card.

 

We are partners, complimentary, each bringing out our own strengths to the table.

[Bini]

 Sure, I apologize upfront for not being clear. 

In my view only, (and I would NEVER speak for her) we both place a super high value on freedom and individuality. We are together because we choose to be. If I call her my "better half" it implies she is a part of me, and I think that's the "obligation" part. I think it takes away her choice. I choose to stay with her-not because we are married (we are) not because we are sealed (we are) but because I love her for who she is. 

 

Again, just to be clear, it's how we live our lives. It is NOT an insult to peoples whose marriages are different. I am NOT saying our love is better/more intense or more moral than anyone elses.

Personally, I hope everyone has a truly wonderful marriage and I feel terrible for those who don't.  

And Bini-you were right. My OP was confusing. I'm can be as dense as....something really dense. I did not mean to offend anyone. Hope I didn't. 

 

Thanks for adding more to your explanation! I personally didn't find your post offensive, at all, I was just curious about your definitions. They make sense. Thanks again for sharing.

[Guest]

Do you see your spouse as an equal to you in all things?

 

As far as estimation of importance to each other in our eternal progression, yes.

As far as doing things, no.  We each have our strengths and weaknesses.  Through the years we've learned to both play to our strengths as well as help one another out.

 

Or, do you see your spouse as your better half?

 

I absolutely do.  I cannot tell you how much my wife has inspired me over the years.  I really would be a worthless man without her.  Many people may pay me some compliments.  But virtually every compliment I've ever heard would not have been received if I did not have my wife.  She makes me better. I know it sounds cliche'd, but it is absolutely true.  I have no problem literally calling her my better half.

 

To quote Pres. Packer "I have a duty...to tell the truth.  She's perfect."

 

 Are all your children equally loved and fairly treated?

Or, do you have a favourite child that is easier to love and isn't required to do much for your affection?

If this is the case, is it obvious to the rest of the family, or is it something you keep to yourself?

 

They're all fairly treated in that they receive the same punishments for the same crimes and the same rewards for the same good work they've done.

 

But I certainly have a favorite, and everyone knows it.  My oldest daughter is everyone's favorite.  She truly is an angel.  She's the one to whom people rarely show anger.  She's the one that everyone feels happy around.  She's the one that always gets her chores and homework done.  She's the one who always says positive things.  

 

"Isn't required to do much for your affection?"  Not really agreeing/disagreeing.  The fact is that she just is different than any other child I've ever known.  It is because she's different consistently that I feel this way about her.

 

Just as our Father has a favorite (Jesus) mortal parents will tend to have a favorite too.  I do not believe it is a mistranslation that Jacob "Loved Joseph more than his other sons."  I find it difficult to believe that the vast majority of parents "have no favorites".  It's natural.  It's human.  I think a lot of parents lie to themselves if they say otherwise.

 

But I believe it to be bad parenting if that favoritism causes you to change the punishment/reward system for any one child.

 

Lastly, who comes first above all else? Your spouse or your children? And why? Could there ever be a scenario that changes this order of importance?

 

Anatess, of course gave the only correct answer:  The Lord has to be the most important.  (I kinda get jealous sometimes when she so quickly hits the nail on the head when it takes me some time to come up with an answer.)

 

But assuming you're asking only about our earthly family, it has to be my wife.  Currently, I cannot think of any situation that would change that.  You really have to understand the level of unconditional love she has shown me for 20 years to truly understand that.  I could never say enough good things about my wife.  And frankly I find it difficult to tell people about my feelings for her without watering my eyes at least a bit. <wipe,wipe>.

 

 

 

[Bini]

Nope: My husband and I are not equal in all things. I'm much better at doing laundry, but he can vacuum without spilling the bag all over the place.  I know how to call insurance and navigate their red-tape, but he knows how to not loose the card.

 

We are partners, complimentary, each bringing out our own strengths to the table.

 

This is similar to Anatess's explanation, literal, and in that sense I agree. Thanks for sharing.

[Bini]

 

As far as estimation of importance to each other in our eternal progression, yes.

As far as doing things, no.  We each have our strengths and weaknesses.  Through the years we've learned to both play to our strengths as well as help one another out.

 

 

I absolutely do.  I cannot tell you how much my wife has inspired me over the years.  I really would be a worthless man without her.  Many people may pay me some compliments.  But virtually every compliment I've ever heard would not have been received if I did not have my wife.  She makes me better. I know it sounds cliche'd, but it is absolutely true.  I have no problem literally calling her my better half.

 

To quote Pres. Packer "I have a duty...to tell the truth.  She's perfect."

 

 

They're all fairly treated in that they receive the same punishments for the same crimes and the same rewards for the same good work they've done.

 

But I certainly have a favorite, and everyone knows it.  My oldest daughter is everyone's favorite.  She truly is an angel.  She's the one to whom people rarely show anger.  She's the one that everyone feels happy around.  She's the one that always gets her chores and homework done.  She's the one who always says positive things.  

 

"Isn't required to do much for your affection?"  Not really agreeing/disagreeing.  The fact is that she just is different than any other child I've ever known.  It is because she's different consistently that I feel this way about her.

 

Just as our Father has a favorite (Jesus) mortal parents will tend to have a favorite too.  I do not believe it is a mistranslation that Jacob "Loved Joseph more than his other sons."  I find it difficult to believe that the vast majority of parents "have no favorites".  It's natural.  It's human.  I think a lot of parents lie to themselves if they say otherwise.

 

But I believe it to be bad parenting if that favoritism causes you to change the punishment/reward system for any one child.

 

 

Anatess, of course gave the only correct answer:  The Lord has to be the most important.  (I kinda get jealous sometimes when she so quickly hits the nail on the head when it takes me some time to come up with an answer.)

 

But assuming you're asking only about our earthly family, it has to be my wife.  Currently, I cannot think of any situation that would change that.  You really have to understand the level of unconditional love she has shown me for 20 years to truly understand that.  I could never say enough good things about my wife.  And frankly I find it difficult to tell people about my feelings for her without watering my eyes at least a bit. <wipe,wipe>.

 

 

 

 

 

Another good post. There's a lot in here I actually agree with, alike, Vort's comments. I would say, I feel about my husband, as you both do about your wives. Thanks for sharing.

[Guest]

Faramir and I are flawed in our own ways and strong in our own ways. We challenge and complement each other. We have times of bliss, times of monotony, and rare times of conflict and struggle. We make mistakes, but I think each of us works toward what is best for our marriage and family, and then toward each others' happiness.

Each of our children is so very different from the next. There are things we adore and things we struggle with with each of them. I hope none of them ever feels like we have favorites.

Edited October 29, 2015 by Eowyn

[Guest MormonGator]

Faramir and I are flawed in our own ways and strong in our own ways. We challenge and complement each other. We have times of bliss, times of monotony, and rare times of conflict and struggle. We make mistakes, but I think each of us works toward what is best for our marriage and family, and then toward each others' happiness.

We both make mistakes all the time, but we don't really argue a lot. I think a big chunk of marriage is "don't be a jerk." 

 

Are other couples like this? 

 

This thread is great! 

[Bini]

Faramir and I are flawed in our own ways and strong in our own ways. We challenge and complement each other. We have times of bliss, times of monotony, and rare times of conflict and struggle. We make mistakes, but I think each of us works toward what is best for our marriage and family, and then toward each others' happiness.

Each of our children is so very different from the next. There are things we adore and things we struggle with with each of them. I hope none of them ever feels like we have favorites.

 

I need to brush up on my LOTRs... I was thrown by Faramir for a second but only for a second.

[Vort]

 I'm can be as dense as....something really dense.

 

Or to put it in Lemony Snicket terms: I can be as dense as a sack of feathers, if the feathers are really, really dense.

[prisonchaplain]

My wife is younger, sharper, prettier, and more popular.  Ditto my kids.  Nevertheless, they look up to me.  God really does use the simple things to confound the wise. 

[Guest]

Whatever weaknesses I have as a human being, I love my wife and kids.

[Guest MormonGator]

Or to put it in Lemony Snicket terms: I can be as dense as a sack of feathers, if the feathers are really, really dense.

 Yeah the metaphor well was tapped dry. 

[Guest]

 Yeah the metaphor well was tapped dry. 

I'm reminded of the words to a song that said:  He drank like a... He drank a lot.

[Guest MormonGator]

I'm reminded of the words to a song that said:  He drank like a... He drank a lot.

 I know what you are talking about. I was listening to the sounds of Tommy Dorsel. That's classic Dr. Demento 

Kip Addotta sang it. 

Edited October 29, 2015 by MormonGator

[Guest]

 

This thread is great! 

 

+100!

[Vort]

+100!

 

No fair. You can't vote a hundred times. Where do you think you are, Chicago?

[Guest]

No fair. You can't vote a hundred times. Where do you think you are, Chicago?

 

Philippines - Marcos era!