Adult Men: Close friends or Not?

[NeedleinA]

For what it is worth I just stumbled across this 2013 article:

 

American men’s hidden crisis: They need more friends!

Of all people in America, adult, white, heterosexual men have the fewest friends. Moreover, the friendships they have, if they’re with other men, provide less emotional support and involve lower levels of self-disclosure and trust than othertypes of friendships. When men get together, they’re more likely to do stuff than have a conversation. Friendship scholar Geoffrey Greif calls these “shoulder-to-shoulder” friendships, contrasting them to the “face-to-face” friendships that many women enjoy. If a man does have a confidant, three–quarters of the time it’s a woman, and there’s a good chance she’s his wife or girlfriend.

Edited January 2, 2016 by NeedleinA

[Guest MormonGator]

For what it is worth I just stumbled across this 2013 article:

 

American men’s hidden crisis: They need more friends!

Of all people in America, adult, white, heterosexual men have the fewest friends. Moreover, the friendships they have, if they’re with other men, provide less emotional support and involve lower levels of self-disclosure and trust than othertypes of friendships. When men get together, they’re more likely to do stuff than have a conversation. Friendship scholar Geoffrey Greif calls these “shoulder-to-shoulder” friendships, contrasting them to the “face-to-face” friendships that many women enjoy. If a man does have a confidant, three–quarters of the time it’s a woman, and there’s a good chance she’s his wife or girlfriend.

Don't get me wrong, I love LadyGator and we have a great relationship. We have mutual friends, but we also have other confidants. If anything, our outside friendships help our marriage. 

I totally agree with this article, 100%.. 

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Related but slightly OT...I've always thought of my husband as an Introvert...after all, he feels no need for friends outside of me and the kids.  But he has always held fast to the idea that he is an extrovert.  Today I asked him why.  There's nothing wrong with being an Introvert (I'm an Introvert!....and still I have a need for friendships outside of the family.)   

 

He agreed that there is nothing wrong with being an introvert or extrovert, but also pointed out that he has always been drawn to jobs that require dealing with people all day (something I tend to shy away from...I love the quiet of my graveyard job!).  

 

So I've decided he is an "Ambivert".  Who knew?  

 

Back to the topic...perhaps having no friends or many friends...is normal.  It is just differs for each individual.  

Edited January 3, 2016 by LiterateParakeet

[NeedleinA]

He agreed that there is nothing wrong with being an introvert or extrovert, but also pointed out that he has always been drawn to jobs that require dealing with people all day 

 

Yes, I can see this. I spend all day (work day) dealing with new/potential customers. By time I'm home, I admittedly feel spent and drained from talking with "people".

 

Ambivert = thanks for sharing that, I think that would be myself too. 

Edited January 3, 2016 by NeedleinA

[zil]

Sorry for going off topic, but it's come up so much with some false assumptions, that I'm gonna post....

 

From my understanding, if you feel drained when you get home, you're likely an introvert.  (In the below, when I say "stimulation" it just means electrical / chemical stimulation going on inside your brain.)

 

Introvert vs. Extrovert has nothing to do with whether you like people (though it would be awfully hard to be an extrovert who dislikes people).  It has everything to do with your natural mental energy level and the source of that energy:

 

1) Introverts expend mental energy when interacting with other people (when it's over, they feel drained and need time alone to recharge).  Introverts recharge their batteries alone.

  a) Being shy has nothing to do with this - shy is simply being uncomfortable around people for some (often specific) reason / fear.  Many may confuse introversion with being shy, but they are not directly related, and extroverts can be shy (which is very hard on them).

 

2) Extroverts expend mental energy when alone.  To recharge, they interact with other people (and when it's over, they feel energized or refreshed).

 

For both kinds of people, excessive interaction with people causes over-stimulation which is felt as stress or anxiety.  Too little time with people results in sadness or even depression.  "Excessive" and "too little" are determined by your internal brain stimulation level (without external influence).  If the stimulation is naturally high, you're an introvert and interaction with others can more easily push you into "too much" (and "too little" is harder to reach).  If the stimulation is naturally low, you're an extrovert and need lots of interaction with others to keep from getting bored, and "too much" is a lot harder to reach (and "too little" is easier to reach).

 

Now clearly, this is a spectrum, not an on/off thing.  Thus, someone could be right in the middle of this ("ambivert" as LP has called it).

 

Both types of people can enjoy company, and love it when something they're passionate about is involved.  Both types can also enjoy solitary activities.  It's not about the type of activity or interaction, it's about energy levels / sources.  Though introversion is more often treated as a problem because it's misunderstood by both types of people, often leading to introverts avoiding interaction because they don't understand their own reactions, and leading extroverts to treat them like they've got a problem (often a choice problem) because they don't understand it either.

 

Yes, this is the dumbed-down version ala Zil, but if everyone understood this, and treated themselves and each other accordingly, we'd all have much more positive relationships and interactions.  (I know my relationships and interactions are much better for my understanding - and, despite being an introvert, it's _much_ easier for me to spend time with people now.)

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

LOL, Zil, I picked up the term ambivert from watching the youtube videos you shared in the other thread. :)

I do think my hubby is Ambivert, and I'm happy to be an Introvert. But, yeah, I'm not shy and I love public speaking. So I get your point.

Edited January 3, 2016 by LiterateParakeet

[zil]

LOL, Zil, I picked up the term ambivert from watching the youtube videos you shared in the other thread. :)

 

Sweet!  Clearly it's been too long since I watched!

 

 But, yeah, I'm not shy and I love public speaking. So I get your point.

 

Exactly!  I love talking and teaching in church, not afraid of them at all - even when the Stake President is present.   But I have to plan for a ward party / Relief Society activity, so that my energy levels are recharged, and so I know I can come home afterward and recover, not from the people (who I enjoy), but from the expended energy.

[mrmarklin]

I have several very close male friends that are not family members. Most of these I've met through hobby interests.

We have traveled together many times and have also had "meaningful" conversations about our personal situations.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Exactly!  I love talking and teaching in church, not afraid of them at all - even when the Stake President is present.   But I have to plan for a ward party / Relief Society activity, so that my energy levels are recharged, and so I know I can come home afterward and recover, not from the people (who I enjoy), but from the expended energy.

 

Yes!  This is how I am as well.  :) 

 

I really enjoyed the videos BTW, thanks for sharing them.  

[Guest]

Yeah, I think we may have different understanding of what "close friends" mean.

 

My husband and I don't confide about marital problems to any of my close friends or even to immediate family.  Things I confide to my family about - personal struggles like parental struggles or health struggles and the like.  Things I confide to my close friends about - general struggles, like how I got so mad with the idiot guy who cut me off on the freeway, or struggles with understanding gospel related stuff... we argue about which movie is better... which contestant in DWTS deserve to win... struggles with hemming pants, etc. etc.  My close friends do confide more intimate stuff with me and that's just fine.  I can be a sounding board but I suck at "there there" stuff.

 

I consider close friends those who I am comfortable calling when I need something and those who are comfortable telling me No if they can't help.

 

I guess what I consider close friends are those who I'm free to be myself with... I can be brilliant and I can be an idiot and they'd still be there.