Not sure what to do....

[Megs132]

I have been married 9 years. We have 4 young children. The first few years of our marriage were hard. My husband decided he didn't want a family.  I begged him to reconsider for mine and the kids sake (new baby and toddler). We stuck it out, got sealed, and had 2 more kids. Things were good. 

My husband is a police officer on the civilian side, an MP in the army reserves, and a volunteer fire fighter. This means 90% of the parenting is on me because he is rarely around. About a year and a half ago he began preparing to deploy. He became extremely angry all the time. He has always had a temper but never to this level. The kids would make comments about being glad when he was gone because he was so mean to me and yelled all the time. When I mentioned this to him he said well I guess you shouldn't nag and b**** so much and I wouldn't have to.

The little free time he did have before he left was spent on little trips for himself or off doing his hobbies. When I mentioned it hurt me that he didn't want to spend time with the family he asked me why he would want to spend time with me. Who would?

He quit working his civilian job about a month and a half before he left. Things got a lot better. There wasn't fighting and we were able to spend time as a family. Things were good until about about a month of him being overseas. He became angry with me over nothing. He would then say it was my fault because he didn't like my attitude. He wrote me a bunch of nasty, profanity filled emails. He told me to get over myself. He would always choose his soldiers over me. That he couldn't forgive me for how bad I had made things before he left. The damage was done.  He was sick of waiting for me to change. He didn't want to be with me. I gave him so much anger that he would be lucky if he didn't kill an afghani national just for looking at him wrong.

He called me 2 nights ago in the middle if the night. This was the first phone call in over 2 months. He preceded to cuss me out. Blame all of our problems on me. Said he didn't want to be with me. Why would he. Told me he didn't need to be there for me. To get a dog. I had $ in the bank so quit acting like I had a hard life. He said he didn't have any desire to talk to me again. He didn't want to hear from me the rest of the deployment. Take care of the house and kids. He wanted nothing from me. When he got back he was heading to the mountains with a military friend and he didn't know what he wanted as far as me and the kids.

I am devasted.  I don't know how someone who is supposed to love me can treat me as if I don't matter at all. I'm sad for my kids. He has had no contact with them in 4 months now. I am angry that our family can be optional to him. I am angry with him for being so careless with the one thing that means so much to me. I honestly don't know at this point that I even have a desire to try and make things work when he gets back. He has no interest in making things better. In his eyes I am the entire problem. I am tired of being told I'm not enough, and never will be. I am tired of being told I'm not worth the effort. I'm tired of all the hurtful things that have been said that I cant forgot.... but on the same side I feel guilty. What will it do to my kids if I just give up. I don't want a broken home for them. I just don't know what to do.

Edited April 23, 2016 by Megs132

[NeedleinA]

3 hours ago, Megs132 said:

I just don't know what to do.

Hello Megs,

I must say that my heart hurts for you and the situation that you and your children find yourselves in currently, I'm sorry.

I would like to share a couple of observations and past experiences in the hopes that it might help... a little. 

1. I grew up with a military Colonel for a father. Wonderful in many, many regards, and horrible in others. So speaking about my father, and not military personnel in general, here are some of the observations I realized: He was used to two things, either kissing the rear of higher ups, or having his rear kissed by subordinates. He did not function well when we as a family didn't "fall in line" instantly, obey orders or give instant respect all the time. In his mind, his Brothers at work, began to understand him better than his Brothers in the Gospel did.This was very hard for him to separate "military" life vs. "home" life. Many people can toggle this switch between the two, but many can not. 

2. Do you have other military personnel in your ward who are active/strong? You could specifically request military personnel as your family's Home Teachers, etc. This may give him a better role model upon returning state side. Express your concerns to your Bishop and request help. 

3. Military units are assigned Chaplains. You would be surprised how many of them are LDS. Regardless if they are or not, you can contact his unit Commander and request the Chaplain pay him a "random courtesy" visit to check up on him. This may give him someone "else" to talk to besides only soldiers.  

4. I worked in a Juvenile Prison for a couple of years. Being around hurt,pain,scum, swearing, etc. takes a toll on you no matter what anyone thinks or says. The worst part is that others around you see it happening to you, but you may not. @mirkwood might be able to share a story or two. I think you saw what I'm talking about when you said, "He quit working his civilian (police officer) job about a month and a half before he left. Things got a lot better." This is not a comment at all about law enforcement, it is comment that perhaps your husband doesn't have the personal skills to deal with this line of work AND balance it with a family successfully. Rather than work on these skills, it appears he his choosing to run from/distance himself instead. 

5. At first, while reading your post, I thought this was only an issue between you and your husband. That thought left once you stated, "I'm sad for my kids. He has had no contact with them in 4 months now.". This sounds like he is facing larger issues than simply "you". If he is ignoring the kids as well, I would suggest something bigger is looming with him. 

So, what do you do now?? If you have not already, I would start by pooling your resources together. Meaning, speak with your Parents, his parents and your Bishop. Start sharing your problems with those that are close to you and openly admit you need their help. It sounds like your personal skills are lacking now too as you ask "what can I do?". Start with those 3 groups. Even if they can't provide you with a silver bullet, it may be very helpful for you to have shoulder to cry on. It sounds like your marriage is bleeding out right now. Don't wait until it is dead to react, react now before it is dead. 

Heavenly Father loves you as his daughter and has not forgotten you. Pray to him harder than you ever have before and listen for the Spirit to prompt you through this hard time. 
Hang in there the best you can and love your kids extra hard.

Needle

Edited April 23, 2016 by NeedleinA

[zil]

In addition to what @NeedleinA has said, I cannot recommend enough that you make sure living the gospel is central to your daily life - personal and family scripture study and prayer will do shocking amounts of good.  If you're already doing these things - don't let them slip.  If you're not doing them, please start.  If you're doing them on and off, do what you can to make it every day.  I know it may not seem like you have time, but taking time for these will bring solutions that will not otherwise come.

[NeedleinA]

2 minutes ago, zil said:

 but taking time for these will bring solutions that will not otherwise come.

Yes, solutions...ideas...and "peace"...

[Megs132]

2 hours ago, NeedleinA said:

Hello Megs,

I must say that my heart hurts for you and the situation that you and your children find yourselves in currently, I'm sorry.

I would like to share a couple of observations and past experiences in the hopes that it might help... a little. 

1. I grew up with a military Colonel for a father. Wonderful in many, many regards, and horrible in others. So speaking about my father, and not military personnel in general, here are some of the observations I realized: He was used to two things, either kissing the rear of higher ups, or having his rear kissed by subordinates. He did not function well when we as a family didn't "fall in line" instantly, obey orders or give instant respect all the time. In his mind, his Brothers at work, began to understand him better than his Brothers in the Gospel did.This was very hard for him to separate "military" life vs. "home" life. Many people can toggle this switch between the two, but many can not. 

2. Do you have other military personnel in your ward who are active/strong? You could specifically request military personnel as your family's Home Teachers, etc. This may give him a better role model upon returning state side. Express your concerns to your Bishop and request help. 

3. Military units are assigned Chaplains. You would be surprised how many of them are LDS. Regardless if they are or not, you can contact his unit Commander and request the Chaplain pay him a "random courtesy" visit to check up on him. This may give him someone "else" to talk to besides only soldiers.  

4. I worked in a Juvenile Prison for a couple of years. Being around hurt,pain,scum, swearing, etc. takes a toll on you no matter what anyone thinks or says. The worst part is that others around you see it happening to you, but you may not. @mirkwood might be able to share a story or two. I think you saw what I'm talking about when you said, "He quit working his civilian (police officer) job about a month and a half before he left. Things got a lot better." This is not a comment at all about law enforcement, it is comment that perhaps your husband doesn't have the personal skills to deal with this line of work AND balance it with a family successfully. Rather than work on these skills, it appears he his choosing to run from/distance himself instead. 

5. At first, while reading your post, I thought this was only an issue between you and your husband. That thought left once you stated, "I'm sad for my kids. He has had no contact with them in 4 months now.". This sounds like he is facing larger issues than simply "you". If he is ignoring the kids as well, I would suggest something bigger is looming with him. 

So, what do you do now?? If you have not already, I would start by pooling your resources together. Meaning, speak with your Parents, his parents and your Bishop. Start sharing your problems with those that are close to you and openly admit you need their help. It sounds like your personal skills are lacking now too as you ask "what can I do?". Start with those 3 groups. Even if they can't provide you with a silver bullet, it may be very helpful for you to have shoulder to cry on. It sounds like your marriage is bleeding out right now. Don't wait until it is dead to react, react now before it is dead. 

Heavenly Father loves you as his daughter and has not forgotten you. Pray to him harder than you ever have before and listen for the Spirit to prompt you through this hard time. 
Hang in there the best you can and love your kids extra hard.

Needle

Thank you for your kind words and advice. I agree that my husband lacks the ability to switch between military and home life. It has concerned me greatly for some time and I haven't been sure what to do about. He was rarely going to church because he was angry about them not understanding his job and asking him to serve in callings he didn't feel he had time for.

 We have only one other family that is prior military.  The wife is very active and the husband to the extent that his job allows him. As far as hometeaching goes... well it just doesn't really happen in our ward. We have been home taught twice in the 4 years we have lived here. I will mention it to the bishop when I meet with him though.

My husband is the unit commander. So I contacted the FRG leader over 6 weeks ago. It took her 4 weeks to track down the chaplain. It's been over 2 weeks since then and I haven't heard a word since. I am worried that if the chaplain pays him a courtesy visit he will suspect I had something to do with it and come unglued yet again on me.

I have spoke with his dad on the issue. I wanted him to be aware of what was going on but I didn't expect any good advice.My husband comes from a broken home. His dad used to leave his mom alone with 4 kids without any contact for up to a month, while he drove truck. Eventually, his mom had an affair. They divorced and his dad didn't have much to do with the kids until they became adults. My father in law really had nothing to say except he must be stressed and he didn't know what his problem was.

I just recently confided in my mom about what was going on. I know it hurts her deeply not only for me but for the kids. She is so worried they are going to grow up desperate for their fathers approval or turn around and do this to their children. She also recommended I speak with my bishop. Which I guess will be the next step.

Edited April 23, 2016 by Megs132

[Megs132]

2 hours ago, zil said:

In addition to what @NeedleinA has said, I cannot recommend enough that you make sure living the gospel is central to your daily life - personal and family scripture study and prayer will do shocking amounts of good.  If you're already doing these things - don't let them slip.  If you're not doing them, please start.  If you're doing them on and off, do what you can to make it every day.  I know it may not seem like you have time, but taking time for these will bring solutions that will not otherwise come.

So true. I have been doing them off and on. I know I need to be better. 

[zil]

3 minutes ago, Megs132 said:

I have spoke with his dad on the issue. I wanted him to be aware of what was going on but I didn't expect any good advice.My husband comes from a broken home. His dad used to leave his mom alone with 4 kids without any contact for up to a month, while he drove truck. Eventually, his mom had an affair. They divorced and his dad didn't have much to do with the kids until they became adults. My father in law really had nothing to say except he must be stressed and he didn't know what his problem was.

I just recently confided in my mom about what was going on. I know it hurts her deeply not only for me but for the kids. She is so worried they are going to grow up desperate for their fathers approval or turn around and do this to their children. She also recommended I speak with my bishop. Which I guess will be the next step.

People tend to repeat parts of their parents' lives, even if they don't want to.  Your husband's father left the family alone for long periods, now your husband is doing the same.  Your husband thinks you and the kids don't need him at home.  Perhaps this is because he didn't perceive his own father being needed when his father was away from home.  I would think a counselor (whether that's the bishop or someone else) could help point out these patterns and help you both to work through them, but only if your husband is willing...  I think you're right to be concerned about the influence this will have on your children.

IMO, the single most important thing right now is to have the influence of the Holy Ghost in your lives.  I'm sorry I don't know what advice to give you beyond what's already been given, and what you already plan - the best I can offer are prayers in your behalf.

[NeedleinA]

1 hour ago, Megs132 said:

She also recommended I speak with my bishop. Which I guess will be the next step.

Okay Meg,

With your husband away, perhaps now is a great time to seek out some help from others, even professionals. Good job in speaking with his father, even if it didn't appear to bare any fruit, you never know. You need help from others. Even if you mother is hurt/sad, it is good she knows. It is much harder for others to help you if they are kept in the dark and unaware. Yes, you should speak with your Bishop. When speaking with him, convey that you absolutely need home teachers that will "support" you, be specific, he will understand. 

Use this time to educate yourself. This education can come from several sources:

1. Most important of all, like @zil mentioned, do your daily part to invite the Spirit to come and teach you via your prayers & scripture study.
2. Speak with your Bishop
3. I personally would speak with a Marriage Counselor. This could be your chance to educate yourself on a variety of topics: How do I become strong for myself? How do I become strong for my kids? How do I deal with depression? How can I best ignore/address my husband in his anger? How do I stand up for myself and not feel the victim?  Etc. Etc. 

      a. The Church offers LDS Counseling in certain areas. This can be a free service to you, speak to your Bishop about this. 
      b. The Military offers free help as well: 
          " Every military couple experiences and handles stress differently. Not only are deployments themselves stressful, so is the time before and after them. You and your partner might feel sad, irritable, angry or frustrated. You might find yourself picking fights, avoiding difficult discussions or withdrawing altogether. 

Those feelings are totally normal for military couples throughout the deployment cycle. But that’s why counseling support can be invaluable – addressing concerns before they escalate can help alleviate that pressure and make your relationship better.

Military OneSource offers service members and their spouses and children free, non-medical counseling. After a short phone screening, a Military OneSource employee will refer a service member or eligible family member to a local, licensed professional counselor for free. The counseling can be done face-to-face, over the phone or online. It’s meant to be short term, and covers up to 12 free sessions per issue, per person. For more information call 800-342-9647 orvisit Military OneSource."

If your husband is not allowing you to work on your marriage currently, then step up and work on the one person you can change..."you". Strengthen yourself, prepare yourself, invite the Spirit to teach you things you didn't know or didn't think to do before. Again, hang in there!

Edited April 24, 2016 by NeedleinA

[Budget]

Megs - I'm so very very sorry you are going through this. 

I read your post yesterday afternoon and I've been thinking about it so very very often since then. I don't typically post on the board - I mostly just read - but your post is really just hurting my heart and I wanted to tell you someone cares.

My concern is, judging from what you wrote he is showing nothing but hatred towards you. Not one thing in your post showed the least bit of love, caring or compassion.  Just reading it hurt my heart!!!!  I can't imagine.  And to go 2 months without a call and then have him call in the middle of the night only to curse you, and be so hateful!?  My heart broke for you.

In addition to the wonderful advice already given and using the support the military gives spouses, I would also like to think you should make a 'back up plan' that involves caring for yourself and your children because it sounds like he not only is going to pursue a divorce but he doesn't sound like a nice guy and it will get ugly.  I'm glad you've reached out to his Dad and your Mom, and will be working with your Bishop and others...  it shows you are trying.  But when he comes back he's going to be dealing with some pretty heavy emotional, mental and maybe even physical issues that are even worse than before he left.  ( I do under the post traumatic stress syndrome as my brother served 3 tours in Afghanistan and Iraq and had things happen that still affect him even though he's been home for a while.)

It doesn't sound like he is including you or the children in his future...  you should be prepared for this.  I don't hear any love from him in your post at all.

[Megs132]

I spoke with my bishop today. It was not an easy thing to do. He said that he had been wondering for awhile...but since I am such a private person, he didn't want to pry. He was very supportive and gave me a blessing before I left.

I contacted military one source and got the ball rolling on counseling. 

I have thought long and hard about the fact he doesn't seem to have an interest in having myself or the children in his future. And as much as it pains me... if there isn't change on his part, I don't have a desire to be a part of it either. So, I have been coming up with a backup plan and preparing for a nasty battle if it comes down to it.

I do hate that I feel like I will be spending the next 7 months in limbo. Waiting to see how things are going to be when he returns. But I guess right now all I can do is focus on myself and the kids. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

[Latter-Day Marriage]

Hi Megs132, so sorry you have to go through this.  Has he given any kind of explanation for his anger, and does the level of his anger seem appropriate for what he claims is the reason for it or is his explanation sound more like some minor thing used as a dodge to avoid discussing the real source of it?  This may not be the case but to me he sounds a lot like somebody who got hurt very badly and bottled it up for a long time so the hurt could sour into anger and resentment.  And it doesn't even have to be you that caused the hurt for that to happen.

You can't change him though, you can only pray for God to help turn his heart to a better direction.  Pray for that and work on your own relationship with God.  You will need His strength and guidance to know what to do and do it.

[tesuji]

Megs,

I'm very sorry to hear about your trouble. It doesn't sound like your husband is doing anything that he promised to do by marrying you. I hope you don't blame yourself for anything that is not your fault. It seems apparent that he has major issues, that that he must be willing to face them and to grow. I hope the best for you.

[NeedleinA]

15 hours ago, Megs132 said:

I spoke with my bishop today.  GREAT

I contacted military one source and got the ball rolling on counseling.  GREAT

I do hate that I feel like I will be spending the next 7 months in limbo. Waiting to see how things are going to be when he returns. But I guess right now all I can do is focus on myself and the kids. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

Meg - 

Very proud of you for jumping on the situation and actually taking action, great job!

If you take the "glass is half full" approach, 7 months of him being gone might be a blessing from Heavenly Father instead. That is 7 months of you learning, preparing, growing, communicating with Heavenly Father and being truly ready for his return. He might be very well surprised to return to a totally different woman, one who is now "firmly ready" to face him and has already prepared herself for multiple possible outcomes, even the bad ones. 

Hang in there, we are here to lend an ear!
Needle

Edited April 25, 2016 by NeedleinA

[NightSG]

On 4/23/2016 at 0:16 PM, Megs132 said:

He wrote me a bunch of nasty, profanity filled emails. He told me to get over myself. He would always choose his soldiers over me. That he couldn't forgive me for how bad I had made things before he left. The damage was done.  He was sick of waiting for me to change. He didn't want to be with me. I gave him so much anger that he would be lucky if he didn't kill an afghani national just for looking at him wrong.

That last bit should really be brought to the attention of someone up his chain of command.  People with a psychotic streak may be a great thing to have on your side in true open warfare, but they're a serious liability in what's going on over there at the moment.

On 4/23/2016 at 0:16 PM, Megs132 said:

The kids would make comments about being glad when he was gone because he was so mean to me and yelled all the time.

Major sign of a serious problem.  Whatever happens, plan on very good counseling (psychological and spiritual) for the kids.

11 minutes ago, NeedleinA said:

He might be very well surprised to return to a totally different woman, one is who now "firmly ready" to face him and has already prepared herself for multiple possible outcomes, even the bad ones. 

Odd thought just jumped into my mind; is there a local Toastmasters group?  https://www.toastmasters.org/

While it's certainly not geared toward family arguments, it'll get you some serious practice in dealing confidently with situations where you have to think on your feet in a discussion.  Just being that ready to stand up for yourself in a rational, confident manner might catch him off guard and help bring about some changes.

[LeSellers]

1 hour ago, NightSG said:

People with a psychotic streak may be a great thing to have on your side in true open warfare,

No! Never!

I didn't want anyone with a "psychotic streak" in my command, too much trouble, too little mission focus.

The purpose of a soldier is not to kill enemy soldiers, but to wound them and get them off the battle field so others will have to take care of them.

Incidentally, ISIS "doctors" are killing their wounded soldiers the operating tables so their can harvest their organs. Just another example of the religion of peace.

Lehi

[Guest]

On 4/23/2016 at 0:16 PM, Megs132 said:

My husband is a police officer on the civilian side, an MP in the army reserves, and a volunteer fire fighter. This means 90% of the parenting is on me because he is rarely around. About a year and a half ago he began preparing to deploy. He became extremely angry all the time. He has always had a temper but never to this level.

Megs,

Some mental conditions are linked quite strongly with sleep deprivation.  It seems like he was really busy.  Is it possible that sleep deprivation is causing an inability to process things properly?

Edited April 25, 2016 by Guest

[NightSG]

2 hours ago, LeSellers said:

I didn't want anyone with a "psychotic streak" in my command, too much trouble, too little mission focus.

Got to use them right.  Minimize exposure to...well...anything except enemies.  Fire teams doing things like trench clearing and pillbox assaults.  You know, the things sane people try to take a bullet in the leg to avoid doing.  They're also somewhat harder to break with brainwashing techniques, and more likely to break straight to the "useless gibbering" stage than to aid the enemy.  (Working from recollections of summaries of Nazi research here.  Unfortunately there's not a lot of source material on actual brainwashing attempts from any other source.)

As I recall, a few (not diagnosed - more like recognized for the obvious) were used to pretty good effect in WWII, where there was less hue and cry over excessive carnage than in more recent conflicts.  (Good luck trying to surrender to a psychopath you shot at a few minutes ago.)  As long as the mission is "kill everything that isn't part of your fire team" they stay pretty focused.

Back on topic, though, peaceful and righteous family life isn't one of their strong suits without major psychiatric intervention.  It comes down to whether he's willing to try.

Edited April 25, 2016 by NightSG

[LeSellers]

1 hour ago, NightSG said:

Got to use them right.  Minimize exposure to...well...anything except enemies

No modern battlefield allows that.

Lieutenant Calley didn't pull the triggers that killed the people of Mi Lai. One serious fear I'd have (were I still on active service) is that some psychopath under my command would kill people illegally, and that, because I was responsible for his actions, I'd end up in Leavenworth, making little ones of big ones. (Yes, I know that officer prisoners are not required to do manual labor, but most there choose to because the life of an unemployed military prisoner is tedious and boring beyond all belief.)

Lehi

Edited April 25, 2016 by LeSellers

[NightSG]

58 minutes ago, LeSellers said:

No modern battlefield allows that.

Fix your battlefield, then.  If you can't provide a proper working environment, you can't expect your people to perform at their best.

[LeSellers]

Just now, NightSG said:

Fix your battlefield, then.  If you can't provide a proper working environment, you can't expect your people to perform at their best.

That's the Generals' bailiwick, and even they don't control the enemy.

Your assertion ignores the first rule of engagement: no battle plan survives first contact.

Lehi

[NightSG]

26 minutes ago, LeSellers said:

Your assertion ignores the first rule of engagement: no battle plan survives first contact.

Your problem is optimism.  Being slaughtered, while not a good plan, is nearly impossible to screw up unless your enemy is grossly incompetent or amazingly cowardly.

(Quick; flesh that out a bit, stamp it top secret and "accidentally" let ISIS get their hands on it.)

Edited April 25, 2016 by NightSG

[Megs132]

I mentioned to the FRG leader him saying he would be lucky not to kill an afghani national because of the anger I gave him. She didn't seem too concerned.  She just said he was lashing out at me due to stress. Even if they did a psych evaluation, I'm sure he would be fine. He has told me before that he knows exactly what they want him to say. 

Before  he left he was angry at everyone and everything, right down to him not liking the way I shut the fridge. It was tiring. If there wasn't a problem he created a reason to be mad. A year ago, when he spent a month at schooling, he decided out of the blue that he was mad at me again for something I had said quite some time ago,that I had already apologized for. He spent the remainder of the month being mad. I was completely baffled. He pulled the same thing this time. He mentioned something I said a couple years ago and said how he decided he was still upset about it. Bottom line... I do think there is something wrong but he will never admit it or seek help.