I'm becoming obessed with a tragedy

[Backroads]

Those awful hot car deaths.

I am becoming preoccupied with a fear of this happening. When I had my first kid, I implemented a number of tricks to help keep myself from forgetting leaving one of my kids in the back of the car. There's no good reason why that shouldn't be sufficient.

But I can't get my mind off this sort of thing. I actually look up cases, read about them multiple times a week. It's not pleasant, of course. I'm really struggling with putting things in a realistic, sensible perspective instead of making myself sick over tragedies that are happening to other people.

I used to intentionally avoid reading about other's tragedies. Now I'm drawn to it and I hate the way it makes me feel. Not a "mourn with those who mourn" scenario.

Any advice? Should I be seeing someone about this?

[Guest MormonGator]

The odds are actually pretty slim that it will happen to attentive parents Backroads. A lot of the cases that you read about turn out to be criminally negligent cases. 

You only worry about it because you hear about it more. In this culture where news is available 24/7 from all across the world, you are going to hear about bad things more often. 

If it still keeps you up at night and you can't function-I mean that seriously, not trying to snarky-then see someone. It might be a symptom of an undiagnosed anxiety disorder. 

 

Edited May 12, 2016 by MormonGator

[tesuji]

I think the news, TV shows, and movies have made us parents paranoid.

A few bad things happen to kids somewhere in the nation, and suddenly no more trick or treating, or kids walking home by themselves from school, or playing in the neighborhood until dusk - all like I used to do. My mom never knew were I was during the summer (as far as I can remember, and she had 5 other kids to worry about).

I find myself constantly fighting paranoia about this. I live in a safe little town, so I force myself to just let my kids go out, walk to friends houses, etc. Of course, you have to use wisdom. But I think the "conventional wisdom" has shifted toward paranoid. I just don't think the world is really more dangerous now, to warrant the increased parental fear.

So I can relate to you. Advice? Try not to think about it, and try not to read those stories. I try to avoid news like this in general. Local news is the worst.

If you feel like it becomes debilitating to you or seriously affects your quality of life, then yes I would say consider counselling. Or maybe at least try talking to a trusted, wise friend.

Edited May 12, 2016 by tesuji

[Backroads]

Generally I try to be the first one to bring up the rarity of such things. Intellectually, I know it's rare and kids die far more from other things each year. Intellectually, I know I've been reasonable in making a reminder system.

Can't stop thinking about it anyway!

And I have struggled with anxiety in the past. Perhaps it's creeping back in.

[zil]

Well, step one is done - recognizing something you want to change.

I think the next steps would be to figure out the real answers to these questions (not the knee-jerk / obvious answers):

1) Why do you keep going and looking for these stories?

2) Why do you these stories evoke in you the various responses they do?

3) What do you want instead of #1 and/or #2?

...if that doesn't enable you to alter your approach / reactions or stop seeking the stories altogether (so that your time is spent in productive ways), then yes, I would seek someone's assistance (the first person I would ask for guidance would be God).

[tesuji]

4 minutes ago, Backroads said:

Generally I try to be the first one to bring up the rarity of such things. Intellectually, I know it's rare and kids die far more from other things each year. Intellectually, I know I've been reasonable in making a reminder system.

Can't stop thinking about it anyway!

And I have struggled with anxiety in the past. Perhaps it's creeping back in.

Mindfulness has helped me a lot to deal with anxiety. Basically, focus on the present moment. Worry and regret come when thinking about the past or future. We don't live in the past or future. "Now" is the time that counts, the only time we are living our lives.

Edited May 12, 2016 by tesuji

[Guest MormonGator]

1 minute ago, Backroads said:

Generally I try to be the first one to bring up the rarity of such things. Intellectually, I know it's rare and kids die far more from other things each year. Intellectually, I know I've been reasonable in making a reminder system.

Can't stop thinking about it anyway!

And I have struggled with anxiety in the past. Perhaps it's creeping back in.

You aren't alone. Many of us struggle with anxiety disorders. It becomes an issue when it effects your daily life. 

IE-"Step on a crack, break your mothers back". Are you avoiding cracks in the pavement and do you want to walk over them several times before you can go to work?   That's when it becomes an issue. 
 

[tesuji]

7 minutes ago, tesuji said:

Mindfulness has helped me a lot to deal with anxiety. Basically, focus on the present moment. Worry and regret come when thinking about the past or future. We don't live in the past or future. "Now" is the time that counts, the only time we are living our lives.

I would add, that ironically, it seems to me that lack of mindfulness is a factor in a lot of these deaths. The typical ones I see are about a dad who leaves his kids in the car and gets distracted by other things. People nowadays are too distracted and scattered in their attention. Multitasking is not a good thing, in my opinion. Also, too much gadget addiction.

I feel for those clueless dads. I am too much like they are.

[Guest MormonGator]

1 hour ago, tesuji said:

I feel for those clueless dads. I am too much like they are.

I'm not a parent but I don't get it. How could you forget your child in the car? I seriously don't get it. 

[anatess2]

3 hours ago, MormonGator said:

I'm not a parent but I don't get it. How could you forget your child in the car? I seriously don't get it. 

It happens to the best of us.  It happened to me even.

I was suffering from ppd right after the birth of my 2nd child that caused me to get extremely sleep deprived.  There were times when I would forget little things like if I'd already put shampoo on my hair in the shower.

I have established a routine when I had to leave the house... One day, I was leaving the grocery with the bassinet strapped onto the grocery cart.  The routine is always grab the bassinet and snap it into the car, grab the 2 year old and strap him in, unload the groceries, then get in the car.  I've done this with my 1st child and now on my 2nd, so it's ingrained.  One day, my friend told me that's dangerous because the car is hot and it takes too long between loading the kids and loading groceries that the kids could die by then... So I was pushing the cart to the car when I paused and got worried that I'd kill my kids.  So I left the kids in the cart while I unloaded the cart, the 2 year old chose this time to climb out of the cart so I had to chase him down strap him in the car and continued to unload the groceries. I was rattled at this point and. I was so worried about the kid strapped in the car about to die that I decided to leave the grocery cart right there by the car instead of walking it to the return area 2 parking slots down.  I rush into the car, turn it on, breathe a sigh of relief that my kid is still alive when he says, "AnatessJr is outside, mommy....".  Yep, he was still in his bassinet in the grocery cart.  Yes, my heart almost exploded out of my chest and I was inconsolable for days... I could not bring myself to get out of the house for days afterwards. 

[tesuji]

14 hours ago, MormonGator said:

I'm not a parent but I don't get it. How could you forget your child in the car? I seriously don't get it. 

I'm too much of an obsessive worrier to do this. However, for me having kids plus a career etc is overwhelming at times. So I can imagine a clueless or stressed out dad doing this, in an extreme scenario.

I can, however, imagine me having this as a nightmare while sleeping. It's the kind of thing my subconscious might be paranoid about.

[Guest MormonGator]

57 minutes ago, tesuji said:

I'm too much of an obsessive worrier to do this. However, for me having kids plus a career etc is overwhelming at times. So I can imagine a clueless or stressed out dad doing this, in an extreme scenario.

I can, however, imagine me having this as a nightmare while sleeping. It's the kind of thing my subconscious might be paranoid about.

I'm sure it can be overwhelming at times, but I've spoken to many parents who agree with me and simply don't understand how it can happen. 

[anatess2]

Post-partum depression is a real thing.  It's funny that they call this "depression".  Depression is such a mild word to describe it.  It's a serious form of psychosis that can manifest itself as almost non-noticeable (mother wouldn't let anybody hold the baby or mother can't stand seeing her husband's hair on his legs - both things I have personally witnessed) all the way to death (mother drowns her baby in the tub thinking he's evil - I haven't personally witnessed, just read on the news - mother straps the baby in the car in the middle of the night to drive from florida to utah to take the baby to president hinckley for safekeeping because her husband and mother-in-law are satan followers and she couldn't kill them - this I have personally witnessed) and everything else in between.

Brooke Shields' ppd manifested itself as she couldn't care less for her baby.  She sometimes thinks of just leaving the baby somewhere so she doesn't have to deal with her.  She took medication for the condition to help her care for her child.  My friend who drove to utah got forced into a mental facility for "safekeeping".  She stayed there for the first 3 months of her baby's life and didn't get to see her baby and her husband until the week before she was released.

Other women - even mothers - don't believe it can get this serious.  I see these women like those people who wake up in the morning and can just see... just like that.  Good for them... while I go fumble around my bedside table looking for my eyeglasses so I can figure out what the clocks says what time it is.  They'll never understand the struggle until they realize it actually exists.

 

Edited May 13, 2016 by anatess2

[anatess2]

By the way... Backroads, unless you still have control of your impulses (realizes it when it is happening so you can redirect your thoughts elsewhere - like singing "The Spirit of God" at the top of your lungs... my favorite redirection technique), you should see a professional about it, if not just to make sure it won't become a bigger concern.

Being able to redirect your thoughts is a method to train yourself to curb the impulse and eventually eliminate it after repeated experience.

Edited May 13, 2016 by anatess2

[Guest MormonGator]

1 hour ago, anatess2 said:

Post-partum depression is a real thing. 

I never said it wasn't. 

A therapist said something interesting though: Being really, really depressed doesn't mean you aren't accountable for your actions. It shouldn't be an excuse for bad behavior. 

Believe me, I've been there. Not post-partum obviously but to a small degree all forms of depression have things in common. So I'm not "unsympathetic" to those who suffer from depression. What I see a lot of though is people using it a a crutch and as an excuse for bad behavior.   

 

Edited May 13, 2016 by MormonGator

[Backroads]

Thanks, guys.

I don't want to defend my issue here, but what does scare me is so often it's not a clueless dad, but the mother. I believe the most recent case in the US was a mom. (See, I follow these things!)

I really am working on redirecting my mind.

[anatess2]

On 5/13/2016 at 3:36 PM, MormonGator said:

I never said it wasn't. 

A therapist said something interesting though: Being really, really depressed doesn't mean you aren't accountable for your actions. It shouldn't be an excuse for bad behavior. 

Believe me, I've been there. Not post-partum obviously but to a small degree all forms of depression have things in common. So I'm not "unsympathetic" to those who suffer from depression. What I see a lot of though is people using it a a crutch and as an excuse for bad behavior.   

 

I'm not excusing it.  I'm simply explaining "how it can happen"... it's an answer to your question.

There is no excuse for bad behavior.  I have never used my IED as an excuse to abuse my family but I still ended up doing so even after all I have done to prevent it.  It's not necessarily sympathy that these people need.  It is understanding so that they can be properly treated/mitigated/etc. so that they can move forward with this thing called "living".

And like I mentioned... calling it a "depression" is a misnomer.  Sometimes it manifests as a depression, more often than not it manifests in other ways.

 

 

Edited May 16, 2016 by anatess2

[anatess2]

On 5/13/2016 at 4:15 PM, Backroads said:

Thanks, guys.

I don't want to defend my issue here, but what does scare me is so often it's not a clueless dad, but the mother. I believe the most recent case in the US was a mom. (See, I follow these things!)

I really am working on redirecting my mind.

What do you feel is your purpose for wanting to know these things?  Is it simply morbid curiousity or is there something else?

[Guest MormonGator]

30 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

I'm not excusing it.  I'm simply explaining "how it can happen"... it's an answer to your question.

There is no excuse for bad behavior.  I have never used my IED as an excuse to abuse my family but I still ended up doing so even after all I have done to prevent it.  It's not necessarily sympathy that these people need.  It is understanding so that they can be properly treated/mitigated/etc. so that they can move forward with this thing called "living".

And like I mentioned... calling it a "depression" is a misnomer.  Sometimes it manifests as a depression, more often than not it manifests in other ways.

 

 

And I'm helping YOU understand. I don't see how a mom or dad could forget their kid in the back seat of a car. Being absent minded is one thing-but since it doesn't happen to most parents, I don't understand how it can. 

And here is what's cool about people who say they want to help others "understand". 9 times out of ten, it really means "I demand you see my point of view and I refuse to see yours" 

[anatess2]

5 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

And I'm helping YOU understand. I don't see how a mom or dad could forget their kid in the back seat of a car. Being absent minded is one thing-but since it doesn't happen to most parents, I don't understand how it can. 

And here is what's cool about people who say they want to help others "understand". 9 times out of ten, it really means "I demand you see my point of view and I refuse to see yours" 

Okay... here we are with the miscommunication again.

Explain this to me.  What did I not understand? 

[Guest MormonGator]

12 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

Okay... here we are with the miscommunication again.

Explain this to me.  What did I not understand? 

Shouldn't you ask yourself that question? I do not see how it is possible for parents-suffering from depression or not-to forget kids in the back seats of cars. 

[anatess2]

8 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

Shouldn't you ask yourself that question? I do not see how it is possible for parents-suffering from depression or not-to forget kids in the back seats of cars. 

Okay... this is how I saw this conversation went:

You said:  You do not see how it is possible...

I said:  It is possible when you consider post partum mood disorder - includes post partum disorder all the way to post partum psychosis.  I cited several examples of crazier things that happened than forgetting kids, including a personal experience where I forgot my kid in a shopping cart.

You said:  It's not an excuse.

I said:  It's not an excuse, it's an explanation of how it is possible.

 

Okay, what did I misunderstand?

 

Edited May 16, 2016 by anatess2

[theSQUIDSTER]

Psychoses make all sorts of unthinkable things possible.  If you've never been there yourself or seen this in an otherwise previously stable individual that you know well, you may just have to take anatess' and others word on this.  Brain chemistry is an extremely nebulous thing!  Of course it's unthinkable to forget our children or anyone we love.. Or hopefully it is for most if us.. But when your mind is genuinely malfunctioning.. you're simply not yourself .. 

[tesuji]

MormonGator,

I hope you are never as frazzled as I got sometimes as a parent with small kids.

 

[Backroads]

On ‎5‎/‎16‎/‎2016 at 0:39 PM, anatess2 said:

What do you feel is your purpose for wanting to know these things?  Is it simply morbid curiousity or is there something else?

I would direct to a few years' back where an incident happened relatively close to home, so to speak. A friend of a friend scenario. I felt just so sad, wrote a card of sympathy, etc. Then I think it did turn into morbid curiosity, and now a fear that I will slip my mind and forget to take my daughter to preschool despite the fact I have a sticker of my girls on my steering wheel and I always give my purse to my eldest to play with in the car.