I Really Want To Believe But ...

[snipe123]

I'm so glad that CG returned to the site this week. Last Sunday evening I had an overwhelming compulsion to investigate the LDS church again, to start attending on Sundays, obtain a BOM and request visits from Missionaries. I ordered the BOM and requested the Missionary visits online, then I went away on a short pre-planned holiday from Monday till Friday.

I have many of the same doubts about the LDS church that CG mentioned he had. I feel torn, however, because when I stopped attending the LDS church when I was 18 (and hadn't got baptised), I did it under pressure from my non-believing boyfriend of the time...also I had not kept all the Commandments, and was being hypocritical if I'd have got baptised at that time and not stopped what I was doing. I didn't actually lose faith totally in the church at that point, although I had begun to question one or two things...

For the next 20 years I had to deny that I believed in the church any longer, to keep my now husband happy, but I refused to totally diss the church as I still felt that it had been a great place for me when I attended, and that I couldn't find anything specifically wrong with it. In 2001 I considered returning to the church as I was getting in a bad way thru drinking too much alcohol, and I knew that the church was just about the only institution that I would listen to enough to stop the drinking...unfortunately a friend of mine persuaded me not to return for that reason, but to try to overcome my drinking habit by myself instead...it only got worse, but I've finally overcome it in the last 12 months or so. At the time I considered re-attending, I started to look up LDS websites...I eventually found this site, but prior to that I'd found pro and anti LDS websites, and did all the reading...I became skeptical and decided that I had done the right thing in not returning to the church.

So imagine how I felt last Sunday when, out of the blue, this sudden compulsion to return overcame me again. I was trying to watch TV but I couldn't concentrate because my mind was full of thoughts about obtaining church literature, attending the services again, and even meeting some of the people who attended with me all those years ago again..in the past I've always been afraid of meeting those people again, because of my shame of the circumstances in which I stopped attending...my heart was beating very strongly...I've recently been diagnosed with Atrial Fibrillation, so I know that is a medical explanation for the feeling occurring...but it didn't feel like it was happening for that reason...it felt that it was happening as it does when I get very anxious or excited about something...I've had this feeling occasionally before, at times when I've felt I could no longer put off doing something that was important to me that I did...I usually follow those feelings.

I do want to start attending again, but I'm afraid of feeling the same way as CG, that I would be a fraud unless I could gain a watertight testimony of all that I once believed in all those years ago...I wonder, how come I found it so easy to believe back then? Why did I not have any doubts then? How could I have spent 6 weeks debating Mormonism with my Priest at my RC school and have been so certain that the doctrines were correct? Will I ever be able to truly regain that testimony? On a lesser note, and this will sound very silly to you all, I'm afraid of the method of being baptised, I cannot swim and have a fear of water coming over my face...I've seen people being baptised into the LDS faith, and wonder if there would be something I could do to protect me from feeling like drowning when being baptised?

Thanks for all the resources listed in the various replies to CG's post...I will try my best to read thru them and will let you know if I hear back about having the Missionaries visit, or receive my copy of the BOM.

Hey Pushka,

I think some of the advice I gave to CG on this thread might help you, but I would also say find the LDS church in your area, and then go. I think you will find what I found after a three year abscence. You will feel as though you were walking out of a desert...To me it sounds like you have a testimony already...not that you don't have some doubts, but once you have spent some time in the oasis, even all those years ago, you have not forgotten it and you will recognize it again when you see it...You will realize when you drink the waters of life again, that its a great substitute for the sand of the desert...

God will help you with your fears about water. Do you not think he will wash away your fears as you participate in the covenant making ordinance of baptism? It's pretty important and I think he will help you out with that...

Just go...Do the things that invite the spirit, listen to the prelude music in sacrament meeting and let The Spirit do the rest...

Never feel that to have doubts makes you a fraud...It makes you mortal. Was Peter a fraud when he had the faith to walk on water and then doubted and sank? Nope...He was mortal.

Never feel that you have to be free of sin to go to church either...If church were only for perfect people then the benches would be empty every Sunday and even the bishop would have to stay home. Christs companions were sinners, not saints.

Forget all the books for now, and focus on the scriptures, particularly The Book of Mormon since it carries its own promise for discovering its truth. If it's true then Joseph was a prophet and the church he established is what he claimed it to be...

Pray and express apreciation to God in your prayers for all the things he has blessed you with...acknowledging the Hand of God in our life, keeps us humble and receptive to revelation...

Focus on the things you believe in, and not on the things you doubt...

Have the missionaries over...You will feel the Spirit they carry...Their mandate is to preach the Gospel and they have a special "helping" of the Spirit for that purpose...

Hope this helps...

[pushka]

Hi Isaac,

Thanks for your reply. It's very much appreciated. When I had my experience last week I was afraid to go public with it as such, in case the feeling disappeared overnight, but I did write a PM to Yediyd. It was funny that I chose her because I knew of all the people I could reveal this to, she would be the one to be happy and encourage me to go with the feelings...to attend the church again, as you have done...perhaps that was all I was looking for...reassurance from somebody else, that I was 'allowed' to return.

I still haven't mentioned this to my teenage children...I'm divorced from the non-believer now, btw...as they've been brought up with their RC religion just as a background to their education, and their dad claims to be an atheist so religion of any kind was discouraged. They have since said that they don't believe in God, and will be quite amused that I'm thinking of returning to the church..however, I have already asked my daughter what she would think if I ever did return, she said that she would find it strange and is scared that I will suddenly change from the kind of laid back person I am now, to somebody who can't relate to her and my son anymore...I reassured her that that would never happen...

So, thanks again for your reply Isaac...I will keep you posted! :)

[Dale]

FAIR and FAIR Wiki deal's with the item's on your list. http://www.fairlds.org Kevin Barney has a Jewish Redaction Paper In Abraham. Papyrus, and Covenant. It present's an interesting approach to Joseph Smith's mistranslation of the facimilies. It's online at the FARMS/Maxwell Institute Webste free to read. You can use the FAIR link's to reach that website.

[sixpacktr]

So Pushka, how was church today? Were you able to go?

[pushka]

Hi Six...I haven't been back to the church yet...I was going to wait until the Missionaries had contacted me, or I received the BOM. I do feel quite nervous about just turning up, and would prefer to let somebody know I'm going so that they are prepared too. My son has been at home with me today too, and I would prefer to go 1st time on a weekend when my kids are out of the way, at their dad's house..thanks for asking tho.

[pam]

Hi Isaac,

Thanks for your reply. It's very much appreciated. When I had my experience last week I was afraid to go public with it as such, in case the feeling disappeared overnight, but I did write a PM to Yediyd. It was funny that I chose her because I knew of all the people I could reveal this to, she would be the one to be happy and encourage me to go with the feelings...to attend the church again, as you have done...perhaps that was all I was looking for...reassurance from somebody else, that I was 'allowed' to return.

I still haven't mentioned this to my teenage children...I'm divorced from the non-believer now, btw...as they've been brought up with their RC religion just as a background to their education, and their dad claims to be an atheist so religion of any kind was discouraged. They have since said that they don't believe in God, and will be quite amused that I'm thinking of returning to the church..however, I have already asked my daughter what she would think if I ever did return, she said that she would find it strange and is scared that I will suddenly change from the kind of laid back person I am now, to somebody who can't relate to her and my son anymore...I reassured her that that would never happen...

So, thanks again for your reply Isaac...I will keep you posted! :)

Just go Pushka. Of course you would be allowed to return. I think it's wonderful that you are even considering it. You must keep us all posted.

[Dr T]

Hey Push. The missionaries are going to make you feel very comfortable and encouraging to return to their church. They will not pressure and be very accepting and fill the void you are searching to fill.