Marriage Compatibility: signed, Confused.

[anatess2]

15 hours ago, LePeel said:

Seeking out media which swears and is vulgar is against our covenants, I didn't say they broke the covenant. It wasn't a lifestyle I could maintain in good conscience.

One thing I couldn't stand is living with somebody who smokes or gets drunk.  I wasn't even LDS then.  Smokes - I can't stand walking into a house that smells like a pub.  Drunk - I've seen many a drunk person and it makes me sad to see how stupid they've gotten.

Anyway, when I met my now husband, he drank extensively (never saw him drunk, though) and smoked a pack a day.  We became good friends.  Some time in our friendship I mentioned I don't like the smell of cigar/ettes and don't like drunks.  He said to me - ok, I'm not going to smoke or drink anymore.  And right at that moment he quit cold turkey.  No weaning out, getting patches, getting jittery, etc. etc.  Nope.  Yesterday he was drinking and smoking, that day he stopped.  I knew that guy was special but that time he grew a mile taller.  That kind of willpower can move mountains if he puts his mind to it.

Anyway, things like r-rated movies, swearing, and such... non-LDS people are not taught to avoid it.  Just ride a Middle-School Bus to see what I mean.  So, that's not necessarily a disqualifier.  Now, if you tell her, I can't marry somebody who swears and watches r-Rated movies and she says, ok, see ya later, because she won't give it up for you, then she's not the one.  Keep looking.

So yeah, @omegaseamaster75 has a very important question for you... what other "must haves" do you have.  Might want to write that down so you only go after women who are willing to change to meet your must haves.  That way, writing that list, you can ponder on whether they are REALLY must haves or if you're willing to let the atonement of Christ work on that person throughout your marriage even if it means you have to live with somebody who watches r-Rated movies without you for the rest of your life.

Edited July 26, 2018 by anatess2

[Traveler]

2 hours ago, anatess2 said:

One thing I couldn't stand is living with somebody who smokes or gets drunk.  I wasn't even LDS then.  Smokes - I can't stand walking into a house that smells like a pub.  Drunk - I've seen many a drunk person and it makes me sad to see how stupid they've gotten.

Anyway, when I met my now husband, he drank extensively (never saw him drunk, though) and smoked a pack a day.  We became good friends.  Some time in our friendship I mentioned I don't like the smell of cigar/ettes and don't like drunks.  He said to me - ok, I'm not going to smoke or drink anymore.  And right at that moment he quit cold turkey.  No weaning out, getting patches, getting jittery, etc. etc.  Nope.  Yesterday he was drinking and smoking, that day he stopped.  I knew that guy was special but that time he grew a mile taller.  That kind of willpower can move mountains if he puts his mind to it.

Anyway, things like r-rated movies, swearing, and such... non-LDS people are not taught to avoid it.  Just ride a Middle-School Bus to see what I mean.  So, that's not necessarily a disqualifier.  Now, if you tell her, I can't marry somebody who swears and watches r-Rated movies and she says, ok, see ya later, because she won't give it up for you, then she's not the one.  Keep looking.

So yeah, @omegaseamaster75 has a very important question for you... what other "must haves" do you have.  Might want to write that down so you only go after women who are willing to change to meet your must haves.  That way, writing that list, you can ponder on whether they are REALLY must haves or if you're willing to let the atonement of Christ work on that person throughout your marriage even if it means you have to live with somebody who watches r-Rated movies without you for the rest of your life.

 

I believe it was President McKay that said, "It is a greater honor to be trusted than to be loved".  I have personally and long felt that it is much more important where someone is going than where they have been.  I think you post is perhaps the most important on this thread so far.  The #1 attribute of a spouse, relationship or friend is trustworthiness.  Being able to trust someone is critical - and trust is not about what a persons says - it is all about what they do.  If a person says they are going to change - and does so - they are the best. 

You are lucky to make such a find. 

 

The Traveler

[LePeel]

7 hours ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

I got a better answer from @Traveler 

Look, you don't want to marry anyone who watches R rated movies, or swears, what other criteria do you have?

I would like them to be sober minded, light hearted, spiritually independent, honest, and kind. Also, the movie was PG-13.

[LePeel]

Duplicate 

Edited July 26, 2018 by LePeel

[Anddenex]

On 7/22/2018 at 1:10 PM, LePeel said:

Let me introduce myself, I am Confused.  Why am I confused? What makes two people compatible is not yet known to me. Let me tell you something, I had a girl tell me we wouldn't work after two months of exclusivity, I agreed, but one of her reasons was, lets say, strange. Her problem was that I liked Beethoven and therefore didn't know the words to any of her favorite songs and therefore wasn't likely to satisfy a fantasy (what I call fantasy, or her idealized relationship) of her husband coming home from work while she's singing in the kitchen doing dishes and being able to join in with her. In short, we didn't like the same music, our differences in musical taste was an incompatibility.

Another area of conflict in this relationship was that she liked and wanted to continue watching movies which I deemed vulgar and wouldn't tolerate in our house in a hypothetical marriage (the movie in question was Red with Bruce Willis.) I thought they were contrary to our covenants and she didn't agree.

So what's the impression I got from this? I have to marry someone who likes Beethoven and hates swearing or else the marriage will crash and burn like the Tower of Babel due to "incompatibility." 

I've gone a few dates since then. After one particular first date, we both determined we wouldn't be compatible, but for different reasons. My reason was she didn't seem to have a problem with swearing because she listened to Rap and watched movies with profanity. But her reasons for our incompatibility was that we didn't have much in common. Problem is she didn't ask me much about what I liked to do. So how is she supposed to know that? Our biggest difference (based on our limited conversation) was that I like Classical and she likes Rap. We also talked about evolution and we don't agree on that. But that shouldn't matter to a grown adult and give her the benefit of the doubt that that wasn't a problem.

So, this is my question. What similarities do there need to be between people? I've tried Googling this but only get secular and non-Mormon sources, I don't care about those. The LDS sources which do talk about this I already understand, but they don't answer my questions about the minutiae of compatibility. What do you think?

Signed, Confused.

Faith, hope, and charity is what allows us to become compatible; however, in the beginning it is good to find common ground. I wouldn't be the expert of dating, as I didn't have much fun in the dating realm. Far too many power struggles, dishonesty, etc... for my liking. Like a guy I worked with who said while engaged, "My fiance doesn't even know I cuss. She won't know until we are married. She wanted to marry a guy who doesn't cuss." This is the type of dishonesty that will later create a wedge in a marriage and disappointment.

The first example, be glad she made the choice as it doesn't appear you would have been compatible unless you are/were both of the nature to be very patient pertaining to what is allowed in the home. You now know she wasn't right and probably wouldn't have been compatible.

The second example, refer to first example response.

It also, isn't our choice as to what should matter to a "grown adult" when we are deciding on being sealed in the temple. If a person believes not believing or believing in evolution is important to him or her, then they should follow that and all of us should accept it - even if we disagree.

[wenglund]

On 7/22/2018 at 1:10 PM, LePeel said:

What makes two people compatible is not yet known to me.

 

It helps to have important values in common, but I would think that enjoying each other's company, being able to communicate back and forth freely, and a willingness and capacity to work out differences, are vital to a successful relationship.

One way to know whether these three elements are present or not is in the natural longevity or brevity of the relation. 

If you find it common for women to have short relationships with you, resist the temptation to think the problem may be with them.

I hope this helps.

Thanks, -Wade Englund-