Need some advice

[akgirl50]

I have never done one of these so I feel a little awkward. haha. I just feel that if I get advice from a non biased opinion it might help me out more. So here goes:

I am a non-mormon but my boyfriend of over two years is mormon. I have been to church a few times and read "gospel principles" and really enjoy everthing about the religions beliefs and morals.

Here is my issue... I have not had the best past before I met my boyfriend and I have some serious trust issues. To sum it up I have basically been betrayed by every male figure in my life (father, brother, boyfriends etc.). I have always been around men who have a "wandering eye" and it really bothers me. I show the same respect towards people and I think they should do the same. I do not like it when men use the excuse that "that is just how men are, it is how we are programmed", well I think that should not be true.

Ok...so I guess here is my question. I always suspect my boyfriend of looking at other women, because that is what I was programmed to think. He insists he DOES NOT and that he only has eyes for me. I just wanted to ask other members of the church if this is true and if mormon men have different morals and are not like all other men.

I hope that made sense.

In addition... I wonder if I should not care if my parter finds someone attractive (whether it being in person or even on tv), but for some reason I think that it would be very wrong. He insists that he does not look or fantasize, but I wonder if I am in the wrong and if I should not even care if he did (which he says he does not). Maybe I am being to controlling or insecure. I just feel that thinking something is just as bad as doing it.

[Lolgirl]

It made sense.

We have certain principles.If you have a good boyfriend he should follow them.We should always be honest,have integrity.He wouldn't hurt you for no reason.And I'm sure he would tell you if he had a guilty conscience.Have a peaceful mind sister.

[akgirl50]

Thank you for the words. I know that you guys tend to have better morals and beliefs then the average person, not that I have anything against non-members since I am one. I just seem to have problems trusting what he is saying. He insists that he does not lie to me and I guess I just need to have a little more faith in him and trust him more. Oh but it is so hard.

[WillowTheWhisp]

If he is a sincere active LDS member and priesthood holder trust him when he says he does not lie. I'm not saying it is impossible for a Mormon to lie or to have a wandering eye but it is far far less likely that he would do so, especially if he values his church membership and the priesthood he holds.

[Maya]

Hi Akgirl! It makes perfect sence what you say!

ONE thing you must remember that no matter what the other one says, you will never know for sure LDS or not! So What I did long time ago I left that problem in my Fathers hands (the Father that NEVER decieves us). IF the other person is lying or twisting the truth.... it is not my problem but his (hers). As long as I keep to the truth I will be free of sin!!

I have given up to want to be sure... but then again IF the person who says he/she says the truth really is telling the truht and I have not acted as if he/she did... I will feel very bad when all truth is revieled!! And the other way round...can you imagine how all these "good" people will feel when the truth is revealed.... and everyone will see how they decieved...

[Misshalfway]

Hello AK! How are you? I think you made perfect sense as well.

I so wish that being LDS meant that someone's morality and attitudes were 100% trustworthy. I have similar trust issues that you do. I have accepted now that I must learn to trust myself to make good choices about the men in my life, and learn to trust my instincts and spiritual promptings inside. I think everyone of us has the inner voice that will warn us if there is danger. I suppose the trick is learning to listen and trust when it may not make sense. You can trust yourself to handle unsafe circumstances and trust your instincts to help you make good choices.

I was born and raised in the church. 95% of the guys I have dated were LDS. On the balance, I can tell you they are really wonderful men. Most of them respectful and honorable. Most of the men I know and associate with are the same-- living a morally clean and honorable life. Most don't even think about any other way to live. Moral and sexual cleanliness is, in most cases, a no-brainer. I attended BYU and almost every guy I new was trustworthy and good. Not perfect, mind you. But they were striving to live the standards of the church. But that is what makes the gospel of Jesus Christ so very wonderful. We all have that ability to course correct and re-commit ourselves to righteousness.

I love the standards of the church. I love that I can go to church and see the boys and men working in their priesthood offices and for the older ones, I can know they have a temple recommend and be comforted by that because that means they are living well. And the more closely you align yourself with the Holy Spirit, the more you will be able to discern the hearts of men.....and women , for that matter. You can look into someone's face and see if the light of Christ is shining. That glowy spirit doesn't happen in people who are not living the standards of the church. You can feel the difference. Just the other day, I had a conversation with one of my neighbors.... and just by walking into their home I felt the power of the righteous man that lived there. It was so warm and safe. And felt that safety coming from my friends husband. So righteous. He didn't need to prove anything to me. I felt his integrity.

I can't know anything about your boyfriend. But if he was raised LDS, you can be confident that high sexual and moral standards were taught. You can look at his family and see how they respect women. Our church talks to our men every six months about how women are to be treated. The standards are high. Our young men, each Sunday recite a little statement that reminds them to respect women. I love that they are taught so young about the preciousness of the women around them. And they are taught that self control is the mark of real manhood.

Good luck with your relationship. I hope you will look further into the church. It is a beautiful religion..... and what makes it even better -- it is true!!

All my love,

MissH

[StrawberryFields]

Hello and Welcome. :)

I was born into the church and have lived in Utah most of my life. I believe that all men look and admire but to carry it further would be wrong.

Everyone is different but I think to always question and be concerned about something like this would be a real turn off to your boyfriend. Confidence can be very attractive in and of itself. Trust in him and allow him to trust in you. Most relationships have quite a bit of the element of trust. Maybe some therapy would be helpful for you to learn how to trust again because it sounds as if this has really hurt you.

I am also a believe of what you think about expands. In other words if you believe you will be let down by this man then you will. Practice small exercises of trust with him without making him feel he is on trial.

[NeuroTypical]

I believe that all men look and admire but to carry it further would be wrong.

What SF said. It's genetically geared into us to suffer various reactions when looking. Those of us who have made commitments will control these reactions, and not go around looking for them.

Being an active priesthood holder does not make someone no longer a man. It's just one indication that he may be able to make and keep covenants.

LM

[Elgama]

You get some bad LDS but by and large our Men are pretty good at least the ones I have met. My husband and I have a point system we can give other people when out lol - I have this thing about men with expressive eyebrows, cute backside and legs, he likes his women bigger and older.

Its just fun and takes the pressure to assume you wont find other people good looking or attractive is a lot to ask

-Charley

[DapperDan]

akgirl,

just felt like my two ¢ might be of value here too. you have asked a very good question and i really appreciate what everyone has said so far. it is indeed true that the lds church teaches, what i believe, are some of the most respectful and beautiful morals on the planet. and it is true that on the whole the lds church struggles less with these issues than the rest of the world. however, we are still men, imperfect and flawed before God. so the only caution i would send to you is be careful lest you begin to believe that ALL lds men are different, just because they are lds. this is not true. you should, as has been said earlier, listen to your own spirit/intuition on this man. you sound strong. you sound wise. pray to God that the both of you will be able to accept each others imperfections. and then don't accept anything less than a righteously striving man full of honesty and humility.

good luck out there.