mdfxdb
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Posts posted by mdfxdb
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Who would you marry? If possible give a reason why one over the other. Please presume you must choose. A "neither" answer is not an option. Choose one or the other.
OK, Also presume you are in love with both of them, and you must decide. They are worthy priesthood holders, kind to children, old people, and animals. They love you, love your family, love the gospel. They are currently everything a woman could wish for in a man with the exception of the aforementioned "flaw" which they have separately disclosed. Now you must choose.
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Good info for the Bishopric to know. I would always appreciate knowing peoples preferences. Even missionaries get to state some preferences on their applications. However, do not be surprised if you get called to something entirely different than what you thought.
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On 7/3/2016 at 8:44 AM, JVernet said:
Follow Up. It's been nothing but ups and downs since my initial post. My wife has admitted that she's changed since her ex husband committed suicide. She is confused but is content in keeping her vows to him rather than me. Still, she said she loves me and wants to be married to me at least for this life and hopefully in the next. It's been extreme emotions since my initial post. She may have mental issues that were unaware to me in the beginning. Her father had mental issues and was excommunicated over apostasy. I don't know, she may have some mental issues. You will never meet a more dovout member, she questions nothing in terms of church. Everything else, she's a sceptic. I baptized my sons in April and their mother, my ex wife, has for all intents and purposes, abandoned them. I may find myself raising my sons alone, again.
I suggest you follow Omega's advice and not bring it up again.
The other issues you bring up about your marriage are not related to the eternal and everlasting covenant. It sounds like you aren't getting this one thing (which wasn't that important anyways when you first got married) and are now considering throwing in the towel.
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On 7/8/2016 at 5:16 PM, Emilyloo said:
Thank-you for your thoughts.
So far...
I have cancelled months ago the internet service as well as made rid of the computer, smart phones, and the gaming system. I have computer/net access as work, library, and friends/family homes. He has a network of family members and a few friends he goes to in order to play. They say he needs time, yet they only prevent him from sleeping at their homes. I have stopped preparing meals for him or doing his laundry. He went to a few sessions of therapy and then stopped. I can't afford to go for myself anymore, though my bishop is trying to find ways to finance this. We barely talk anymore. When we have discussed this, the earlier sessions were promises to stop. More recently it has been about how so many other men get to play video games, why can't he? Why should men have to be the providers? He says he likes the marriage this way, but says he hates me for getting rid of everything and not giving him a way to pay for more.
He was always a gamer, but it went very bad about two years ago and I don't even know why.
It's been a huge, draining mess and I admit that I emotionally checked out of the marriage a long time ago. I have been praying for my marriage, which is why I don't want to do anything as final as divorce. But other people in my situation I have talked with say that they do have to put the typical marriage life on the backburner and work on other stuff for a time. That's what I'm trying to do. If I'm going to be the sole support of my kids, so be it. When I do pray about moving in with my auntie, I have received an answer that my kids need to be the first priority at this time.
No question he needs to stop, wake up, and support his wife and family.
On the other hand...... you state: "He was always a gamer" and yet, you still made kids with him, stayed married to him, and let yes let it come to this point.
I'm not suggesting you do anything more than look in the mirror and ask yourself how you let things get to this point. Then take whatever action you and the Lord determine is necessary.
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i'm asking for your answer.
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2 hours ago, anatess2 said:
Besides... Heavenly Father becoming Man... nowhere in any teaching in all of Christendom is it ever believed that Heavenly Father became Man. Rather... Jesus, a person in the Godhead, became Man through his mortal birth through Mary.
separate question from the OP, but based on what you have stated here: Is Heavenly Father a Man? Does he have a body of Flesh and Bone? How did he get that body?
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As little as 3 weeks. As much as 2 months. They can always say no. It's not up to us.
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2 hours ago, NeedleinA said:
If someone functions at 100% with or without porn, why stop then? Why repent? If no one is getting hurt, great! - lets all watch porn, what is the difference?
Fundamentally we all agree that watching porn is a sin. I do not think I said any different.
However, the OP has repented. Much as if he had taken to having 2 shots each night before bed, as a coping mechanism, and then one day once medicated properly he decides to stop. He stops, he repents. The end. It's over. What would be gained by anyone if he went and confessed his closet alcohol consumption to his wife?
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4 minutes ago, NeedleinA said:
While I can appreciate the sentiment that all of you are trying to express, "shelter the wife and help her avoid future pain", those that only follow this line of thinking are fundamentally missing the point of why he should be telling her to begin with.
It appears we are only focused on the possible/probable "future pain", and that we are creating a convenient excuse for not apologizing for "past pain". Talking to his wife is first and foremost for her benefit, not his. A chance to help make her whole again, you know the person that was actually wronged during the marriage. Him being able to offload his personal guilt is only secondary, but not the primary purpose. Restitution is about making right/helping/healing the "other" person. By healing the other person, the sinner is then able to truly unburden himself of his guilt. By not telling his wife, he is doing a disservice to both parties.
I think the hold up for most people is the subject matter involved. The matter of pornography is a subject that hits home for many people, and as such we look for any possible loophole we can find. We are human, I get it. If we were talking about a wife not knowing about her husband's past drug abuse problem during their marriage, I think most of us would have a much clearer perspective on how we would handle things.
The wife deserves and is entitled to an apology, an apology for his: spiritual absence, his physical absence while off viewing porn, his diminished affection towards her, his decline in patience and long suffering with her, his reduced tenderness during intimacy, his desire to place his needs above hers, etc. etc.
If he didn't actually hurt her during the time of his porn use (which appears to be the defense), why then the fear to tell her about it all? If she wasn't hurt then, why would she be hurt now? Hurt from what? Either the porn user was so incredibly good at hiding things that the wife had absolutely zero clue...OR...she always knew/felt something was off/wrong but she couldn't figure it out, and so she blamed herself instead for all those years. Why aren't I a better wife? I wish I was more attractive? I must have done something wrong because is short tempered with me again, etc.
One school of thought is: Don't tell her ever.
The other school of thought is: Do tell her at some point. She deserves an apology. There are wiser/smarter times than others to have this conversation. I would suggest the best time to do it is when the Spirit tells you, "this is the time". If the OP says "I feel like I need to talk to her", then who are any of us to tell him not to?Everyone benefits from this apology. While we might measure the success or lack thereof only by the immediate or short term feedback, we need to view this in the eternal perspective. In the long run it is better for both parties.
You don't know he was physically absent. Maybe he did this while she wasn't around, maybe she was off doing something else and he found his time when he could get it. You don't know his tenderness was reduced, or his affection was reduced. If he was a young man at the time, his porn viewing may have had zero impact on their sex life from her perspective. The OP doesn't state that she had a grievance during that time, only that he feels compelled to confess to her.
No one benefits from this apology. The OP has repented, he hasn't repeated the sin, he doesn't desire to repeat the sin. It's OVER bringing this stuff up only hurts people. His wife, his kids, his marriage.
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2 hours ago, Windseeker said:
To the OP, I think you need to follow the spirit first and foremost.
That said, my personal opinion is if your level of pornography usage means being disfellowshiped, then of course you need to confess to your wife.
If you've confessed this to the proper authorities and have taken the sacrament and are temple worthy, then perhaps you should repent for your lack of faith and understanding of the gospel. NOT ALL SINS need or ought to be shouted from the roof tops.I feel that men who deal with this issue need to "man up" and "own up" and that does not involve going and whining, seeking comfort and whether you intend to or not, blaming your spouse for your problem. You might feel something like a hero after confessing this, and while you turn around and pat your righteous self on the back with a grin of satisfaction at your load unburdened, you ignorantly just dumped a whole heap of guilt, disgust, insecurity and shame on your wife.
There are many burdens a husband and wife must bear together, but this is one that might prove too much and for what? So you feel less guilty? Rather then unload it on your spouse, use that guilt to drive you to be more tender, more dedicated and more true to your wife.
The OP has handled the repentance process in my opinion. I am in the camp of don't tell. No one benefits. If the OP has truly repented (My personal opinion is that his level of pornography usage does not rise to the level of disfellowshipment) then he is done (home repentance plan).
If the OP wants to shatter his wife's trust, and wants to be miserable.....again....then by all means hurt her to assuage your guilt.
- Windseeker and zomarah
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8 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:
I very much agree with this post, except I personally would phrased the last part much gentler.
ClassyLady, you're not helping your grandson's dad and you're teaching your grandson very poor lessons (the otherwise it sounds like you're a really good grandma/mother figure).
I typically don't pull out the big guns, but in this case I feel gentle wont cut it. ClassyLady needs to get mad, real mad, not only at her supposed "son in law", but also herself for letting things come to this point.
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You are being completely taken advantage of. He is treating you like the door mat you have let yourself become since he knocked up your daughter and made a son. You can call him a father of your grandson, but that sounds like it is strictly biological. He is no father, and not a man either.
You should kick them out of your house today. You should insist they pay you the rents agreed upon. You should take them to small claims court if they refuse.
In addition to enabling you are hurting your grandson. You are hurting him because you are allowing him to be taught that this is the manner in which adults deal with their problems in life. You are teaching him that it is OK to not keep your word, and it is OK to be messy and not pick up after yourself because grandma, or some other poor schlep without a backbone will put up with it.
Grow a spine and get rid of them, you should never have let them into the house in the first place.
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On 4/30/2016 at 6:49 PM, AMom31 said:
No more kids. We had already decided that.
Unless you are abstinent, or taking serious medical measures, either you or him,then you have decided nothing.
I urge extreme caution moving forward. You have invested significant time, and made babies with someone who doesn't want to change. You need to have a serious conversation with yourself about how much longer you are willing to wait. You need to decide how much more of this you want to subject your children to. They learn and repeat what they see and observe.
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You are suffering from at least 1 of the A's which justify divorce in my mind. Adultery. You might even be able to throw in Addiction, but porn addiction is difficult to diagnose at best.
First bit of advice. Get a lawyer. A good one. You weren't willing to spend $ to protect/work on your marriage, so now you need to spend real $ on an attorney to protect you and your children s rights.
Second bit of advice. Get on birth control now. He did all this awful stuff, got disfellowshipped, and you still made another baby with him? Your children deserve better. Don't subject your potential future children to the same nightmare. If you can't avoid being intimate, then make sure you are on birth control.
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On 4/7/2016 at 6:22 PM, AGMom said:
Something I came across, quoted:
"46 percent of mothers in the U.S. feel more stressed out by their husbands than their children, according to a new survey.
A poll of over 7,000 mothers across the country, conducted by Today Moms, found that because of different parenting views, a lack of help with household duties, and the typical pressures of marriage, many mothers feel that their husbands are just another child to take care of.
What's more, the average mother reported her stress level overall at a whopping 8.5 out of ten."
a poll about mothers, by mothers....I'm sure there is no bias. Try going to work all day, putting your very best happy face on for strangers, then going home and having your you know what's cracked the second you walk in the front door.
It's not easy, don't think he's not stressed as well. He may have different ways of dealing with it such as hobbies, and other healthy outlets. He doesn't want to do house work, no surprise, he probably just spent 8+ hours doing something he didn't want to do.....
Unless you both work, there is a minimal expectation of an even split on the house work. If you both work, then he needs to man up and do his fair half, and not complain about it.
Lots of good advice above. You can only change yourself, not him.
I advise you go look in the mirror and have an honest conversation with yourself about who you are, what you want, and how you can change and be a better person/wife/mother.
You mention you have a 2 year old and one on the way. If he was good enough to make the first baby with, and good enough to make the second baby with, then what are you complaining about???????
- omegaseamaster75, Vort, LeSellers and 1 other
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As a homage to President Uchtdorf, I have decided to get this: http://www.rolex.com/watches/baselworld/new-air-king/m116900-0001.html
I know it's not a Breitling, but it is a pilot watch, and every time I check the time it will make me happy :-)
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41 minutes ago, omegaseamaster75 said:
What qualifies?
I happen to like nice things and I see that others do also. Someone I know recently shared a story on FB of Pres. Uchtdorf visiting a family, include was a picture of him kneeling between an older couple while they were seated in their chairs. I happened to notice that he was wearing a very nice watch. How did I notice this? Well as you can tell by my screen name I also like nice watches.
As members do we judge people by what they spend their money on?
I am saving to buy a rolex is that a bad thing?
Is there a ceiling on luxury items? Should there be?
Yes, as a whole members judge others by what they spend their money on.
No, saving to buy a Rolex is not a bad thing. I would personally love a GMT, or an Oyster perpetual.
No, I do not think there should be a ceiling on luxury items. You have to ask yourself before you buy something frivolous like a watch: Have I met ALL of my obligations, actual, perceived, and future. If the answer is Yes, then by all means buy the watch.
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OP needs to not worry so much. Believe me, most people do not know if you are disfellowshipped. Many members decline to pray, decline the sacrament, decline to speak, decline callings, and all for different reasons.
In fact, in your ward, the only people who have access to even know if you are disfellowshipped are the ward clerk, and the bishop. Unless the current counselors are those who stood in the disciplinary council, then they have no way of knowing.
Members move into wards who are disfellowshipped, and that record follows them. Only the clerk, and the bishop can see it. Typically the Bishop will receive correspondence about the individual, and the steps necessary to achieve full worthiness.
Once your period of disfellowship is removed, then it is permanently removed from any physical records, or electronic records at the local, and stake level. It truly is a clean slate. Members who have been ex-communicated can come back, be re-baptized, and hold callings
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15 minutes ago, NeedleinA said:
We simply have differences in opinion when it comes to this. I think, the posts originally started as inquiries, and then transitioned to complaining (murmuring). Simply adding a (?) to the end of a complaint, doesn't make it any less of a complaint.
Since mdfxdb is not in a position to actually affect policy changes, these type of comments strike me as simply murmuring at this point.
We can agree to disagree.
So inquiry is murmuring? We can agree to disagree. I reread what you quoted me on. Yes, you may construe my tone anyway you like, but that does not negate that no one answered my questions. I will hold off on officially murmuring until my questions are answered. At which point I may or may not declare unrighteous dominion, and abuse of priesthood authority for those who suppose they have some authority.....
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4 hours ago, Just_A_Guy said:
Well, either you believe that, spiritually/ecclesiastically speaking, people past the age of accountability may be called upon to account for their actions--or you don't.
I do believe that people are accountable for their actions, and they are held as such by the temple recommend questions. I never said different.
4 hours ago, Just_A_Guy said:You either believe that all that "common judge in Israel" business should be taken at face value--or you don't.
Common judge in Israel should be taken at face value, and as such they are required to ask certain questions. My original post was directed to specific questions if any that were done by those in the know.
4 hours ago, Just_A_Guy said:You either believe that the Holy Ghost is a thing--or you don't.
The Holy Ghost is a person.....likely.....or at least will be some day. I do have a hard time believing the Holy Ghost gently whispering to someone "ask about porn" "ask about masturbation"
4 hours ago, Just_A_Guy said:You either believe that the VAST majority of LDS bishops are not pedophiles--or you don't.
Clearly the vast majority of LDS Bishops are not pedophiles.
4 hours ago, Just_A_Guy said:You either believe that bishops can discuss human sexuality with a teenager while displaying a measure of sensitivity and compassion equal to that displayed by any parent, counselor, doctor, teacher, friend, or mass-market entertainment media--or you don't.
Bishops are not trained properly to discuss human sexuality. Please demonstrate to me the manual they use for that, surely there is a publication?
Also Bishops fall into the same category as parents, friends, or mass-market entertainment. You have no idea what you are going to get. Bishops, parents, friends, or mass-market entertainment can all be equally insensitive, or sensitive. It's a mixed bag because they are typically unqualified to discuss the topic.
Whereas a counselor, doctor, or teacher has at least had some standard of education on the subject.
It's not about permissiveness, or validating behaviors, it's about liability and risk from my point of view. If I as a bishop probe and some kid accuses me of something i'm cooked, innocent or not....
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Well I think my question has been sufficiently addressed. It would appear that most here are in favor of the bishop and his counselors asking probing questions to our youth regarding the law of chastity including masturbation, porn viewing, and whatever else the spirit may dictate.........
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So, the consensus is that that line of questioning to youth is OK? Behind a closed door? Alone? It seems to me that as a potential/actual authority figure over young people, this might be putting too much pressure on the youth to either lie, or completely avoid the interview process. Would we want our daughters to be questioned about pornography/masturbation at age 12? how about at age 15? When is a good time for another adult who is not their parent or guardian to address those issues? It may be entirely possible that the first time your 12 year old hears about masturbation would be during that interview...
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2 hours ago, mordorbund said:
Your concerns sound pretty specific. If I had such questions, I would call the executive secretary and schedule some time with my bishop to discuss these concerns.
I have spoken with the bishop about this. He is of the opinion that he should be specific with the youth, and ask about pornography, and masturbation. In order to make sure they are not rationalizing/hiding sin.
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let's say a bishop asks if the youth obeys the law of chastity. The youth answers affirmative. Would it then be appropriate for the bishop or counselor to follow up and ask if the youth masturbates, or views pornography?
In my opinion such a follow up would be inappropriate if the youth states that they do obey the law of chastity.
At what age is it even appropriate to ask, and at what point are the bishops/counselors to "probe" for sin, or are they even supposed to do that?
For the Ladies, Who would you marry?
in General Discussion
Posted
For me this has been an interesting exercise, and has somewhat opened my eyes to how lds women feel about porn in general. As a man I would say that women's feelings about porn vs. breaking the LOC show to some extent a fundamental misunderstanding about men and how their minds work. On one hand you have someone watching an act. On the other you have someone performing an act.
Ladies, I can assure you that the mind of the habitual fornicator is no less depraved than the mind of the pornographer. They are thinking the same things, and objectifying women in the same ways. The fundamental difference is one is acting upon it, and the other is only watching it.
It is interesting that a woman would choose someone who had many, many sexual partners, and probably lots and lots of sex with each and every one of them, over someone who has had sex with no one. Both sins carry tremendous amounts of baggage. Women concerned about how porn has affected the way a man thinks need to re-thing their perceptions about the promiscuous man, and the way he thinks.