Forget-Me-Not

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Everything posted by Forget-Me-Not

  1. I was never curious about what boys looked like because I always knew. But then, that was in the days when parents would pile the kids in the tub together every night for their bath before putting them to bed so it was natural. What also came naturally for me was modesty. Not because of what I was told or taught but just from the natural sense of needing privacy when I was in a state of undress, which developed as I got a little older. I remember the time my brother walked into OUR room and I was in my slip. He couldn't care less but I wanted him out until I was finished dressing. I threw such a fit when he wouldn't leave that I got a spanking for acting like such a drama queen, I guess, lol.
  2. I almost hate to add this as I would never want it to sound as if I was encouraging someone to divorce because they found they were no longer attracted to their spouse, or no longer having desire to be physically intimate, or even if they have doubts that they love them anymore. But sometimes there are reasons beyond what we think at the time, that we are unaware of. So I thought I'd share a few things from my own experience which have a few similarities to some of yours. When it came to my own marriage, at least, I realized some things I wish I had long ago. One was that my husband and I had absolutely no foundation for marriage from the start, including being without love for each other. Physical attraction was all that got us together in the first place and nothing more. The love that man and woman should have for one another to lead to marriage never developed. We also had no shared beliefs that would help to bring that about. We really should never have married, but, once we did, we felt duty bound to stick it out because that's what we felt married people are supposed to do. We had several issues between us, but we had physical intimacy issues almost from the start, on my part, that I didn't understand. Thinking there was something wrong with me I went to doctors, into therapy, and to a number of my bishops, doing everything I could to try to resolve that issue, thinking it was my fault, possibly caused because I'd been the victim of rape as a teenager. You know, I was astounded, many years later, when I realized that not a single person I sought help from ever bothered to ask me if I loved the man I was married to. I didn't, though I didn't realize it at the time. I also remember the moment I realized I did not have desire for him physically (repulsed would be the word for me too) even though he was an extremely handsome man in every way physically. But, as we had never had a problem in that department before that time, I thought there was something wrong with me, so I continued to try. The night we were married I didn't want to go through with it, either, but since we had not lived the law of chastity I thought my lack of attraction and desire was related to that, so even though I didn't want to go through with the marriage, I did anyway, thinking that would change. For most of my married life I thought it would change. Thought that we would grow to love each other as spouses should and thought that my lack of desire would be overcome. Neither of those things happened in spite of all my efforts. As a result we were unhappily married for 30+ years. The issue that actually ended my marriage was when I realized I had no trust left any longer to offer a man who had consistently betrayed my trust time and time again. Not with infidelity (as far as I know, at least) but with deception and lies to cover lies, to cover lies, to cover his use of drugs, pornography, and gambling. He went to church with me fairly often, he went through the motions of trying to do the "religious thing" too, had the missionary lessons so many times I lost count, but, through it all, nothing changed for us, or for me. Love never developed nor did his efforts to try to believe in God help us to gain that strengthening bond either. It was not until shortly before I divorced my husband that I realized there was nothing wrong with me at all when it came to physical desire. What I realized was that there was absolutely no emotional intimacy in order to support physical intimacy. So, as love and emotional intimacy go hand in hand, and as they go hand in hand with fulfillment in physical intimacy, for me, at least, once that lust fueled passion thing wore off, I was no longer attracted to him and no longer able to be physically intimate without great difficulty. While my husband could do fine without love and without emotional intimacy where sexual intimacy was concerned, I simply could not. I wish, so much, I had realized so many things long ago. If I had my life would likely be very different right now.
  3. Thank you. And I know how it must look. If I was on the outside looking in I'd probably see the same. Oh gosh, for all I know, maybe that's the way it is and I can't see it. I question myself all the time anymore. Today is one of those not such good days when I do. I do know when I feel the peaceful reassurance from the Spirit, I don't question then, not at all, knowing the source of that peace. But otherwise anymore I question everything it seems. It isn't helping that the only stable person I ever had in my life, my mother, recently began loosing her perception of reality, slipped into a life of hallucinations and delusions, and has been locked up in a phych ward now for a month. Needless to say, now I'm questioning everything I ever knew, even my own sanity at times, afraid I may turn out to be ill, as she. Oh I do wish things could be simple. They're surely not right now. Some days I just long for rest to recover from life.
  4. Oh my gosh, you have me weeping. I have not read any further than your post so don't know what anyone else said, but I was so moved. Infidelity is something I've never had to deal with, so take this in that light, please. For most of my adult life I believed that if my boyfriend or husband ever cheated, that would be the end and I would never be able to forgive enough to continue to stay with that person. But, as I was realizing the love that did not exist between myself and my ex-husband and how deep my longings were for the love of a man that truly loved me, I would think on what I wanted and needed where love was concerned and it was during that time when I realized that if I had a husband that I truly loved I would be able to forgive him anything. Not that it would be easy, mind you, but I just realized that about my ability to love, which I did not know I had within me before that time. So, now I'll try to get to the point I wanted to make. And don't apologize for your post being long. I only wish my posts could be so short, clear, and concise. I am in a new situation in my life where I love a man, who loves me, but he is going through things he won't explain and has decided "we" won't work, but won't tell me why. He still loves me, but he has given up on us for some reason and isn't talking to me, at all. At times I sink into dispair. Sometimes I've slipped into resentment and anger. It hurts me to be angry with him, though, because I love him so deeply and it feels as if I'm wounding him by feeling resentment or anger toward him. And that wounds my heart. So, aside from my sorrow and grief, which I pray for daily to have eased, when I slip into resentment, or anger toward this man especially (though this could apply to any emotion) I plead with the Lord for two things: To soften my heart toward this man I love so much, is one. The other is that the Lord will help me see into this man's heart and see him as the Lord does that I may have an increase of love and compassion for him. I cannot begin to tell you how much more my love has grown for this man since I began doing this. There are still days when I think I will never recover from my deep sense of sorrow and loss at not having him in my life now, but I love him more each and every day, and even in my sorrow, loving him brings me joy. Any great loss is painful and you are mourning a great loss in having the loss of the fedelity of your husband. The loss of trust that would unavoidably bring must be profoundly painful and I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. Grief is a process, though, that no two people handle the same, nor is there a pace or timetable that is the same for everyone to recover. Take comfort, though, that you have such love in your heart for this man that you are willing to go through his process of repentance and your process of forgiveness. That takes great love. He is a very blessed man to have you.
  5. (Gosh, this got long, sorry, lol. No one need bog through it if they find it too long or boring, though. It's more of one of those self-talk kind of things than anything, anyway, I'd say, lol.)Okay, did a little reading. Very interesting. Both he and I are very much attachment insecurity folk. As if you couldn't tell, right? Lol. We both seem to be mostly "Fearful–avoidant attachment" types over all, with he being somewhat "Dismissive–avoidant" too, and me being somewhat "Anxious–preoccupied" though we both have a bit of all three. He is very aware that he has many emotional issues resulting from his traumatic childhood, as do I of my own. During the several months that we were so very close in our daily communications where we talked about everything imaginable and sharing so many interests and passions for so many things in addition to how we felt for one another, talking about everything from God to fly fishing to music to food, just really sharing everything about ourselves and our lives with each other and being very supportive and encouraging of each other, we also talked a great deal about the emotional issues we've suffered from our respective childhoods. He was as eager and open in all of these discussions as was I and if he were in a talkative state now, as he was then, I know it would have been easy and very productive for us to discuss "attachment insecurity" too, sure that we would both have found it interesting and would likely have learned a great deal about ourselves and each other to know better how to overcome our traumas, insecurities, fears and tendencies. I'm sure of that by the great solace and comfort we both found in having each other for the love and support neither of us had ever had in our lives with anyone before. Unfortunately he is in his no talk mode and refuses to communicate at all. I should mention that when he goes into that mode he withdraws from everyone and it was not just from me he was withdrawing, but all family and friends too. It's a pattern he has of withdrawing into himself when he's not coping with his emotional state and always has been. I know this very well about him because I've known him since he was 4 years old. So, even when he started retreating from me, he was also retreating from everyone else in his life too. As poor as his communication was becoming though, I was concerned enough to talk about it with him and found out that he was still communicating with me far more than anyone else in his life. That helped me be less inclined to press him to talk when he wasn't up for it, until my own fears and insecurities started kicking in. But, the less he talked the more I wanted him to because I was not only missing him (with he expressing himself missing me badly, in spite of his retreating) but I was also very worried about him as well, because he has a lot of trouble with depression and anxiety and it can become severe enough for him to have overwhelming feelings that he wants to end his life. I don't know that he would ever make an actual attempt, but those feelings have plagued him from time to time since he was a teenager, nonetheless. I should also note that in spite of his emotional baggage he is very highly functioning in his life, in his career and as a single father, having an unbelievable amount of responsibilities to tend to. The advantage he has in that is having so much to occupy his attention, and must, he is able to have far more distractions (as well as a lot of stressors) and things to focus on than I do. So, though he missed me badly too, he had a life that kept him very busy and occupied. I, on the other hand, have nothing to distract me, so my missing him, along with all we had and shared, as well as thought we would share in the future, has been very much harder for me. So I know one of the things I must do is make a life for myself (something I've been struggling to figure out how to do since my divorce). The thing is, though, now, that he's given up on us thinking we won't work (for whatever his reasoning is) he refuses to communicate at all anymore. Oh, if I mention in an email how much I've missed getting new pictures of he or his son (last remaining minor child living at home) he'd likely post new pictures on his facebook that night, for example. Or if I were to write something in an email to him that I thought he'd be especially pleased with, I would often find some very affirming type of graphic on his facebook that night or the next day, even if he'd posted nothing for weeks or even months. So, it appears that he's still at least trying to communicate or respond. But, since he will not actually talk to me anymore, I'm left to try to figure out how I should do things without any input from him. So, even though I had not heard of attachment insecurity, I have been trying to figure out how to best handle that run chase thing that I did see as a problem, without him feeling that I've disserted or abandoned him by giving up because he won't talk. Knowing all I do about his trust issues, though, I really do not feel I should cease communicating to him, but my efforts the last few months have been to try not to write as often, for one, but also when I do, to try not to say things that might add to his stress or might cause him to feel more pressure, but to try to be positive and help him feel more at ease and also encouraged. Such as writing recently to tell him how excited I was to learn of the encredible job offer he'd received from the company he works for and how pleased I was to learn that he'd accepted it, knowing how much he loves his work. Or, as I did yesterday, writing to tell him about a possible job opportunity, and one which I know he would be specifically and extremely pleased over for me. And, too, even if I'm missing him and say so, I do my best, by the way I say it, to not cause him to feel pressure or guilt. That sort of thing. Anyway, I do feel, very strongly, that the Lord does not want me to give up on him and when I do better at concerning myself more with his emotional needs, rather than my own longings, saddness, and lonliness (as per "us") that is when I have that peaceful reassurance from the Spirit that I'm on the right track. I just need to figure out how to better do things from my end, where he is concerned, as well as figuring out how to do the things I need to do for me, so I can have a life again, because, even if there is hope for he and I to have all we talked of, after all, one day, I need to have a life in the meantime anyway. I cannot just sit and pine away crying and when I slip into despair I need to remind myself of that. So, I have much work to do. :)
  6. Oh I ache for you. I do, because divorce is a course, and there are few shortcuts, especially with children and property. My divorce went fast and was technically quite easy. Less than two weeks from the time we filed the papers our divorce was final, but that was only the paperwork. Life itself with all it's many details and changes is another matter altogether. One thing I would suggest, no, actually, stress, is to plan well before you act. That was one area I did not tend to as I should have. For one, once I made the decision I felt it was unfair to drag it out, especially since my husband did not want the divorce at first and I did not want to feel that I was taking advantage of him emotionally or financially. In addition to that there were concerns at first that I might be in danger if I went through with it. Because of my husband's initial reaction to the news, which was quite frightening, everyone, family, friends, bishop, were very afraid for me and thought it needful that I move forward as quickly as possible. So I really pushed myself faster than I should have without making decisions and plans and practical arrangements. My husband did come around, though, and by time we filed the papers we were both in agreement on everything and filed as joint petitioners and by then considered ourselves friends again. We have probably one of the most amicable divorces of any divorced couples I've known, but it was still very difficult and continues to be. Not between us, but with all the other changes. But, we're both glad at this point because we've both come to understand that we did not have anything like a marriage should have and both now recognize the rightness of the decision. For most, though, it's nothing anywhere near as easy as it has been for us, if easy is the right word. So, I would say to take care not to try to force yourself to "run faster than you're able" in the scriptural sense of the expression.
  7. Darn, I can only click thanks or laugh but not both? The laugh part for me was God was much more clear in the beginning for me. I made the decision, but got nothing but positive confirmation from Him. He's much more clear now, too, that I made the right decision. But in the middle of all the major life struggles and changes I had to go through, plus numerous other unexpected life changing things I was having to deal with, I was like, "What? You knew this was all going to happen anyway, long before I ever did, so why didn't you, at least, so on and so forth, etc.?!?" Anyway, I very much like what you said to her too, to, "trust what you know." In my case that's how I made the decision. I finally realized how much I did know. Just wish I would have recognized it several years before.
  8. Thank you. I've never heard of attachment insecurity, but, in spite of that, I've clearly learned that whenever I sink into the fear mode thing where I end up chasing, it's not beneficial, for either him or me. In the beginning after we confessed our feelings for each other, he was the one chasing and I was the one running. Unfortunately, or fortunately, however you may look at it, he ran faster than me, lol. But, I do know that when I think more of his needs, rather than my own, I'm calm, peaceful, and much more patient, and I've learned he feels less of a need to run away. Of course, when he ran the first time I let him completely alone, and we didn't speak at all for nearly a decade. That was before I knew how he felt for me, or he I. We still felt the same for each other even then, we just both thought it was completely hopeless not having any conscious idea how the other felt. But, I will most definitely do some reading about attachment insecurity. I do know we're both very much alike with many of the same strengths and, unfortunately, weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Once he ran fast enough to catch me, but before he started running away, we were very much there for each other, something neither one of us had ever had before. During that time we were in such sinc and we both moved in the direction we wanted to be moving together. That's where I want us to be again, and where we were both clearly happiest. So, I will definitely do some study. Thank you. :)
  9. Well, believe me, I very much understand the question and not only have I had my ex-husband and my brother bombard me with that thinking, as well as a number of friends, but from time to time I would slip into wondering if they were right, at least at first. There are, though, a number of details I felt need to leave out which were either too personal for he and/or myself to go into, as well as some things of a spiritual nature I would prefer not to explain. I will say, though, that he had almost nothing to gain and a very great deal to risk losing by ever confessing his feelings for me in the first place, and even more by continuing to profess love for me after he began his retreat. All of those details would likely help in making it at least a little more easy to understand the many complications and obstacles for us both, besides us living over 2,600 miles apart so there's little convenience for him in keeping me hopeful. I do know what we shared, though, above all, albeit long distance via email (though literally thousands) but in spite of all that, I gave him every means, opportunity, and encouragement possible to enable him to bow out if he so desired, without having to come up with courage to explain something he didn't want to say, including numerous reminders that if his feelings had changed I would understand. At one point I even wrote an entire long list of things where all he needed was to pick one, or even a few. Some things on the list were deliberately amusing, some very serious, but all valid for someone to be able to run without ever having to tell the truth and come away looking like a good guy. He would not bite, though, not even the least nibble and believe me, I tried, and I'm nothing if not persistent when I want answers, lol. Plus, now that he's not talking at all, nor do I even know if he will ever speak to me again, and since he has clearly stated "we" won't work and with saying I want something from him he'll never be able to give me, that doesn't dangle much of anything. I do know, though, the peace I receive from the Spirit when I use a trusting and accepting approach with concerning myself with his life obstacles above my own wants, just as I know the sense of despair and anguish that results for me when I succumb self pity, anger, or resentment and fall into the temptation of distrusting and doubting him. So, with everything, though it may sound too easy or simplistic or even gullible (which I very well may be convinced of myself if it was someone else's story) I truly do believe that it is not the Lord's will that I give up or forsake him as either the man I love, or the man who loves me. Being human, though, and loving a man I cannot presently have, and may live the rest of my life without being able to have (as I cannot know the future, cannot read his mind, nor the Lord's) I do succumb to doubts, fears, and distrust from time to time when things look so hopeless. But when I remember where the source my peace lies on the matter, I'm able to come out of that sense of hopelessness, at least until the next time I succumb, lol.
  10. To keep my post from being two long and detracting from your own, I've peared it down to the first and last paragraphs and eliminated the eight, fat, more unpleasant paragraphs inbetween, lol. For me divorce was tough emotionally because it completely changed every single aspect of my life, though I very much wanted and needed the divorce. My situation also had a number of differences from yours, some minor, some major, though some similarities too. I had no children though (thankfully in my situation) but I had been a stay-at-home homemaker most of the 30+ years I was married. Financially it was very hard as I was only working part time. In fact nine months after divorcing and moving out and after I'd barely gone back to work following a major surgery, I lost my job unexpectedly and one week later I lost my affordably priced apartment just as unexpectedly. Without family or friends who could help out or take me in, the result of that was I had nowhere to go and insufficient means to, so had to prevail upon my ex-husband to allow me to rent a room and share my very meager unemployment funds to help pay his bills for my rent. As serious as some of our issues were for both of us (and we were not in love when we married and that kind of love never developed either) but the deciding factor for me was the consistent pattern of behaviors, deception, and lies that had plagued my entire marriage, which so fully and completely striped away at my trust, that I knew there was no life left in my marriage to revive, if there had ever been any at all. Without trust, there IS no marriage, nor can their be, and I knew I had not another drop of trust left to sqeeze out for my husband. So, I realized something that was dead needed burried. I knew in my heart I could not live like that any longer and that it must end. I'm still suffering with the financial burdens and complications, trying right now to figure out how I'm going to educate myself and start a new life. Because of some health problems I've filed for SSI, hoping that will clear so I can rest and recover from some of those issues sufficiently to be able to pursue some form of education to enable me to do something more suited to my physical needs. Divorce is never nice and easy but sometimes it's the right and needful thing. I'm glad you're going to the temple today. May you have peace for whatever decision is right. Just continue to seek to keep even closer to the Lord, as Satan will certainly use any vulnerability to his advantage and divorce can make one vulnerable in many ways. God Bless!
  11. I admit, as sad as I was feeling when I started this thread, I'm still chuckling over this when I think of it, because I could have almost written our names in those diary entries, any number of times, lol.
  12. Please, please, seriously reconsider your dicipline methods. Obviously you're very concerned. Even so, for a little child to have to grow up being struck by an adult (yes, spanking is striking) being yelled at ("postal" sounds anything but calm) and being threatened (telling him you are not going to allow him to be in your home anymore) and so forth, could cause far more serious and lasting psycholigal problems than trying to peek at girls, sisters or not. So, please, seriously consider what the others have said here. Please, also, imagine if you think the Savior would respond in such ways to your 7 year old child.
  13. I do know he feels unworthy. He's talked of that. He's said he's half the person he should be and always will be. He longs for love and happiness in life, but doesn't feel he deserves it. I tried to help him understand that if he (we, any of us) were truly undeserving and unworthy the Lord would not have done all he did for our sakes, but that he gave everything for us because we are of infinite worth. He knows these things, knows that only the Lord can heal him, but he's struggling for his faith. Has been ever since he began running the first time. He won't talk, though, at all, about anything anymore. When he ran before I never tried to contact him, afraid that by doing so it would only increase his guilt. That's something I didn't want to chance because I knew how brutal he could be on himself and I didn't want to add to that. This time, though, I continue to write and I know he does read my emails. Of course, the only reason I know that is because if I say something he interprets to mean I don't believe he loves me, then he'll get upset enough to quickly fire back a hurt felt angry reply. Otherwise he will not respond at all, no matter what the topic. People think I'm crazy, I think, telling me that I should forget about him, move on, and not waste my time, energy, or heart on an emotionally unavailable, scarred, and crippled man. If he was any other man, then yes, believe me, I would have done so a long time ago. But I know this man's spirit within. I can only describe what I mean by that, in saying that I've seen his spirit, which is how and why I fell in love with him in the first place. The shell is attractive for the eye to look upon, yes, but the spirit within is so magnificent, so exquisite, so noble, so majestic, so powerfully strong and so beautiful that I could never look away. So, I continue to write, in the hopes that somehow I can reach him and help him in some way. I can't stop, because I not only love him, but I could never bear the thought of him having to think that I didn't mean the things I said to him and that I've abandoned him too. It may sound hopeless, as it surely does to me more days than not, but this time as he was starting his retreat he told me, "Your spirit draws me out, Satan draws me back." He also said, "You help constantly and don't even realize it." So, I continue to love him, because there is no way I could ever not. When I write I sometimes include an article or talk or scripture I think may help. Other times I may share some piece of music I think he'll like. Sometimes a picture of a beautiful sunset, or a beautifully crafted fishing fly, or just some little thing I know he'd appreciate. Yes, sometimes in my sorrow, my longings, or the loneliness will get the better of me and I will cry uncontrollably as I tell him how much I miss him and how much I wish he'd talk to me. I've never once, though, felt that the Lord would have me give up on him, but to the contrary. So even though self pity sometimes overtakes me (thus this thread during an especially weak moment) I try to hang on even when I think I cannot bear it any longer, because he's worth everything to me. :')
  14. On the one hand, that almost seems too simple. On the other hand, though, in spite of how hard he's running, if he thinks I doubt the truth of the love he professed for me, he becomes very upset, thinking that I think he lied. Even if fear of rejection is why he's running, though, I'm afraid it's far more complicated... He does have serious trust issues, yes, he admitted that before he confessed his feelings for me, saying he was seriously negatively affected by his mother's lack of affection, that he can't trust and open himself up. But then he did open up, long enough to tell me how he felt for me, then he started backing away, only to turn and run again. Well, I say again because he did run once several years before. After joining the church he was in a high pressure situation where he succumbed to taking a drink. He was so devastated by what he'd done that he ran from me, ran from church, ran from God, and resumed his former way of life. It was only after the death of his mother that he began communicating with me again. In the course of our conversations he began to open up, telling me how badly he felt for letting me down by his fall from grace (as he saw it) how ashamed he was, as well as saying he needed to repent and wanted to come back to church. Apparently he began to feel safe enough to say he'd never felt he could open up 100% to anyone before and be completely honest without being judged or condemned and how good it felt. We became so close that he even opened up enough to confess his feelings for me, feelings he'd had for many years. With that I confessed my own feelings for him, which I'd also had for many years, but had never told anyone. He also told me he wouldn't run from me again. Unfortunately he has, though he refuses to say why, or to talk about it at all, except to say "we" won't work and that I want something from him that he will never be able to give me, yet refusing to say what that is, while, at the same time, still saying he loves me, that he always has, and that I know that. I do? :'( All I really know is that I love this man beyond anything I ever thought possible and I'm completely heartbroken and I don't know how to help him, other than to keep loving him and praying for him.
  15. Well, this man does have abandonment issues from his earliest childhood, having been neglected and abandoned several times by his mother. But would a man really run from a woman he loves, completely rejecting any chance for happiness with her, rather than risk being rejected by her? I mean, could such a fear really cause a man to refuse to take that risk?
  16. I know it isn't helpful to ask such a general question, but the story is too long, very painful, and my pride wants to keep me from thinking I look like a fool to others. But, what I want to know is what makes a man run from a woman he loves? :'(
  17. If I had not gone through a period of 10 years or so of being highly chemically sensitive I'm sure I would not have been nearly as understanding to this issue. I don't know what triggered my sensitivities, but I think it was over exposure to industrial grade chlorine at a dairy farm where we lived and worked that used excessive amounts of chlorine to clean not only the equipment, but also the cow's udders (which was actually not suppose to be done anymore at all) but with having our bare hands in highly chlorinated water each day, as well as breathing in the fumes, I'm sure that didn't help. My husband never became ill, but I became very ill from that time. I assume another factor was that so much use of industrial grade chlorine also contaminated the well water on the farm which we drank. I had never had problems with chlorine before this, but after moving to that dairy, I began to be unable to tolerate chlorine. Could no longer use bleach in my laundry without becoming terribly ill, with just one load of laundry using one cup of bleach being enough to result in fumes that spread through the house making it seem very much as if the whole house was being fumigated with it. I could not go swimming at the indoor municipal swimming pool without becoming severely ill for days either. So much for white whites and swimming for healthful exercise. What I did not, know, however, was that this sensitivity ended up extending far beyond what I thought at the time. All I knew at first was that I could no longer use bleach in my laundry or swim in a chlorinated pool, because I felt very much like I was being gassed and poisoned whenever I was exposed to chlorine products, especially in closed areas. After leaving that dairy and moving on to another, I still had trouble with illness and just being generally unwell for quite some time, but not becoming severely ill nearly so often, and not enough to associate it to anything when I did, and since that dairy used no chlorine, I didn't think it much farther beyond that at first. Periodically, though, I would become extremely ill and the only way I could describe how I felt with the dreadful symptoms I'd be overcome with, was to say it felt as if I was being poisoned. Little did I know... It took me two years after that to realize what was making me so ill when I'd be overcome. I finally took note that each time I became ill it would be when visiting homes of family or friends. They all lived in different areas and miles apart so I asked myself what they all had in common? Finally it dawned on me that the only thing they all had in common was a municipal water source with chlorinated water. At that point I began carrying my own water wherever I went (uncontaminated well water) especially when I'd go anywhere I might have to drink city water, and that's when I stopped getting sick like I had been. I was astounded to realize I could not even drink chlorinated water, at all. I grew up drinking it. But, I had become so sensitive that even a small juice glass of water could result in my feeling deathly ill for days. After I began taking my own water wherever I went I was seldom ill like that anymore, but being so tied to the dairy 7 days a week I was not out in public often either. Plus, due to our isolation I was not attending church at the time either, as with the milking schedule, and being quite far from the nearest branch, I don't know if the small amount of sacramental water would have caused me problems too. At any rate, even then I did not realize the extent of my sensitivities. Over time, though, after we moved to another dairy where we were much closer to town and I was out in public more I began to realize how hypersensitive I was. Thankfully I discovered that the small amount of sacramental water caused me no problems. But, for example, walking into the garden section of a store with fertilizer products, herbicides, pesticides, etc., would trigger instant headaches, along with nausea, a terrible taste in my mouth and a strong overall feeling of illness that would often continue for hours or sometimes even days after leaving the store, though I'd only walked through and not touched such products. Walking down the cleaning product isles or in sections with various types of solvents would give me the same symptoms, though the terrible fumy taste in my mouth would differ, depending on the type of products I was near. My mother-in-law sold a well known beauty product line and one of their most popular perfumes, which was also her favorite, was one of the most dreadful at making me very ill, triggering instant headaches, terrible taste of metal in my mouth, severe nausea, rapid pulse, sweating, and feeling as if I was being poisoned. I could walk into her house long after she'd gotten ready and left for work, but I would know, instantly, which perfume she used that morning, as I could smell it as if it was still being sprayed and would become very ill almost immediately even though she'd been gone for hours before I'd arrive. Fortunately she no longer sells that product line and doesn't use that perfume any longer, as even if I no longer became ill from it, I would not want to have to smell it at all. Other perfumes also caused me problems, though that was the worst, but fortunately I never got sick at church. I had to avoid so much for so long though, (but it did relieve me of my oven cleaning duties which my husband took over :) ) but happily I no longer have much trouble when I have to use or be around chemicals, though I'm still careful and use few. My chlorine sensitivity has finally been overcome to such an extent that I can once again use bleach in my laundry, though I do it very infrequently. I also, once again, live where I have city water, but no longer become ill from drinking it. I also found a few years ago that I was even able to go to the local indoor swimming pool without becoming sick, though I still did not like the smell and I only did that a few times. The worst thing, though, aside from becoming so very ill itself when my sensitivities were so severe, was the way some people simply did not have patience or compassion about something they did not understand. This was in the '80s & '90s and the attitude was quite often rude and insulting, with some even scoffing, considering me nothing more than a neurotic hypochondriac because I would become ill so easily without any reason they could see or comprehend. This, too, even though I was never outspoken or critical about their use of chemicals and rarely made complaint at all beyond maybe saying I couldn't use a certain cleaning product they might like or want me to use, or mentioning I wasn't feeling well when using something I discovered caused me a problem. Now I could even use colognes and light perfumes, if I so desired, but because I am so aware of the severity of reactions some can have, I choose not to use them. I am able to use scented soaps, deodorants, lotions, shampoos, detergents and other such products again, but if I had a choice, I would not use them, even though I can now tolerate them and can even enjoy some of the scents now without a problem. But, because I don't have the financial means to be as choosy as I would like, I mostly have to buy what I can afford, so I do very much hope that any of the scented products I may use do not unduly trouble others with such sensitivities, as I know how unmerciful becoming so ill like that can be.
  18. A Soldier His boots stand at attention Upon the windswept hill His empty helmet rests atop His rifle straight and still He heard his country beckon He passed the final test He gave his life with valor Conviction in his breast The memories come softly When he was but a boy His laughter falling gently o’er A game, or favorite toy His shirt - it needed tucking His tousled hair - a comb His pockets filled with creeping things The stray dog he brought home His prayers each night at bedtime His kisses, hugs, and pleas His dirty face, his untied shoes His scraped and bleeding knees His love to tell a secret In quiet, whispered tones His baseball cap, his well-worn glove Lost teeth and broken bones Then all too fast it happened He was a boy no more Instead, a man, with wife and child And honor through his core He loved the world around him He loved the gift of life He loved his newborn daughter He loved his sweetheart wife He had a love of freedom He had a love of God He had a love of country With courage he was shod He heard his country beckon He passed the final test He gave his life with valor Conviction in his breast His boots stand at attention Upon the windswept hill His empty helmet rests atop His rifle straight and still
  19. Treasure A gift into my life he came To light it up as naught before And then he went, yet came again But then, again, he left, once more The kindness, love, and strength he brought The depth of comfort to my soul To rescue me in need, he sought To ward against a treacherous shoal He filled me up, though not in part But filled a hole so wide and deep That gave such safety to my heart His offerings I could not help keep To treasure up, to be my stay And cling to when the hard days came Though wide the distance, far away Yet still I but could not refrain To reach to him in dark of night Though he had long since traveled on So far beyond my touch and sight And yet his strength was never gone To still and comfort in my need A pow'r from his own heart he gave Yet nary did he know the seed He planted in this darkened cave A seed that sprung to life and grew To succor this poor struggling waif As water to a lifeless bird To soothe, to heal, to make it safe And still within the dark of night When overtaken by the gloom I search his words for kindness, light And wisdom, from my darkened room And from the gifts that his heart gave I find such refuge once again To grasp, to hold, to treasure, save Just as I did when he first came
  20. A Dream It was a dream, long held and cherished deep And then it came, the day that she awoke To find the dream was more than mists of sleep When through his words, a dream, himself, he spoke And then there kindled hope, where none had been That more than hopeless longings could prevail With heartfelt thoughts now spoken through the pen So deep and long held, nothing could assail Or so she thought... But day by day the dream began to dim As time and distance worked against her heart And played a cruel and taunting game within To shred the hope till it was torn apart And once again, the dream was just a dream Of hopeless longings time could not erase And naught could conquer distance, it would seem Nor dry the tears that streaked upon her face Or so she thought...
  21. Thanks pam :) When a friend read it after I'd written it in 2010 he said it was "depressingly uplifting" lol. I understood that description completely since that's quite as I was feeling at the time I wrote it, being very depressed and discouraged and needing and looking for reminders of hope. Need that today again, so thought I'd post it as another reminder. :)
  22. Well, I didn't do the poll since I couldn't quite answer yes or no, lol. I do believe that two individuals may well have bonded and loved in pre-mortality and then find each other (or be brought together) and continue that bond of love on earth. I do believe that can and does happen, yes, though I tend to think it would be rather the exception, not the rule. I do not, however, think everyone has a soul-mate wandering the earth somewhere that they must or can seek and find in order to have love and happiness in marriage, as in finding "the one" that one was always meant and destined to be with and that there is or could be no other. No. :)
  23. Tomorrow A bright morn dawned and golden rays spread warmth across the chill, And with the light came hope that sorrow's pain was gone at last, But as day spent the sun slipped down below the yonder hill, And with the darkness fell the hope that now seems past, As with it, too, returned the pain of sorrow, But forget not, another morn will dawn tomorrow.
  24. Well, my advice would different than moving on at this point, not that moving on is not sometimes necessary. But you're in a situation of marriage and one with children, so it's involved and serious with far reaching consequences. You love your husband and have forgiven him too, so this shows you want to help not only to keep your family together, but you desire to love and help your husband, as well. So, for now, at least, I would say, just love him. Please no one assume I'm suggesting or advising any woman that she should be a doormat by such advice, either. The husband may be the one causing the pain because of his own struggles and weaknesses, but he must deal with that himself somehow and you have little control over that and you can only deal with the fallout that may come if he decides to follow through with divorce. In the meantime, though, as you've said you've talked him out of it, I would say for the time being, just love him, be kind to him, pray for him, and also pray for your heart to be filled with love and compassion for him, that the Lord can guide you in your actions in ways that may help him. If he is suffering guilt, compassion can be a balm that may help him see he is worth forgiving, which may help him realize forgiving himself is just as needful. I would especially say, to ask in prayer to see him as the Lord does, as this can be a balm in supplanting one's own pain, when feelings love and compassion for one that we love and want to help can take a stronger hold on us than our own pain. I would especially say that if or when anger comes, as it may, plead that it be taken. Not that either pain, or anger, in such situations are not understandable, they are, but ask that love and compassion replace them, not only for his sake and your children's, but especially for your own.
  25. I quit using nicotine gum. It was very much easier for me than when I quit before cold turkey. I also quit with a quit smoking buddy and we were there for each other constantly encouraging each other. I had almost weaned myself off the gum, too, was down to only a couple pieces a day, and probably could have easily gone to regular gum for a little while at that point, but then had a crisis in my life and began binge smoking. A few days here, a few there, but eventually was back to fully smoking more than twice as much as before I quit. The gum and the patches can be helpful, but you still have the habit of smoking itself to resist and overcome, and using them you're still keeping yourself addicted to nicotine. However, there are worse things about smoking than just the nicotine alone, so you need to weigh the advantages and disadvantages of supplemental nicotine. I've read that tapering off to quit is the most effective in the long run, but it takes discipline that I didn't have. Not smoking and using supplemental nicotine worked much better for me. Unfortunately, now I must start all over again.