Lakumi

people pay for it? I donno how one can get addicted to porn, I am addicted to pepsi cola, porn was something I dropped and that was it. I didn't get withdrawal or sick like I do if I go without pepsi. Pepsi changes my mood, makes things a little bit better, for a split second I feel happy. Porn filled a feeling I often felt was an inconvenience to me. I donno where I was going with all that, but I have seen that whole Utah being the largest porn state, and the numbers are often hazy at best.

my life on it is so much easier since it's not me with the facebook page it makes everything easier

no this is assuming that somehow I get there:lol:

you don't know how lazy I can be:lol:

I read one talk comparing pornography to a bark beetle... not gonna lie, that was one of the stranger ones

I knew at 14 my writing was awful, I still sometimes worry its awful (except the surreal horror, enough people tell me its given them nightmares to know its half decent)

oh wait, wait, wait...hold on... what kind of soup?

I would have called the crime Sexpliotation, but that's a genre of movies so...

I haven't made many good decisions in my life, but staying single I think is one of the good ones. People often like the idea, or the social status, rather then actually understand what being around someone all the time is like... its not fun point is, people can smell desperation and that drives them away (though they don't seem to smell antisocialness because they never leave me alone)

I get that a lot, especially when I say I don't want children. Though this very well could be the case for this lad, since in many cases it is (I am just an odd ball)

Since I am not part of the church (or any church) I don't pay tithing.

Eh just cause I find someone better then me doesn't mean I stop writing, there will always be someone out there better. That's just how life works :S

you think my spirit think and is totally different then the body part of me? I do know that in my, I guess lower moments of mood- reading my writing, I don't pray or anything. Though I think that's more the fact I am not used to it (since prayer is not something I really ever did growing up). Sometimes I don't understand where I should go, spiritually... I often ponder about my shaky faith.

Now, I am beginning one of my more interesting books, I call it The Book of Kona. It's a religious text like book, I invented the religion for other books, since for the longest time I felt too unknowing of religions, so felt I should just make up my own for books, like I did companies, sports teams, and countries. Out of general curiosity, over the weeks and months, I had wondered how it went, and decided for nanowrimo, to write it this year. My signature often bares quotes from it.

no, they shouldn't just go get the milk anyone can. makes the milk loose what makes it special (you know, all this talk about milk, I think I am going to go get a glass of milk, hopefully we don't have that awful 3.25% garbage)

very true, more true then ever nowadays

just because someone doesn't want to be in a relationship with a woman doesn't mean he doesn't want to have sex with them (as uncouth as that is, it's true for a lot of men, the lower sort but I was and sometimes fear, is still, one of those sorts)

I don't really think there is anything to overcome. I am not unhappy, not anymore. I just prefer to be alone. A lot of people see that as a negative thing, or that there is a problem with me. And perhaps there is. Church hasn't changed that, I sit alone there. Not because I even dislike anyone, no they are very kind, but I just do that, without even thinking. Its how I feel most at ease. As I said, I don't understand people, they seem alien to me, and thus scare me. There is a paranoia there, one that I won't go into. I don't have a good testimony, I don't even know what I do have counts as one. But its there all the same, I wrote it down and all the feelings and thoughts I had about it. But of course, not all of humanity is dark, I just have no desire to be around people a lot anymore. I have become accustomed to how I live and how I do things that to throw someone else in there would probably drive me crazy. Companionship is, I assume, I am told, is supposed to be a positive thing, not something, that when you think about it, makes you only angry and disgusted. I wish people happiness in their relationships but I don't understand it, the joy always looks fake and the anger always there. Like they hate each other or something, like a stereotype from a tv show.

I'm not some punk child, I have dated since I was 15 and have hated every moment of it. Now near 10 years later, it is no better-almost worse. I don't have male friends, not anymore. I had female friends and was never as close to them as my former male friends, I think a lot of them feel you are trying to sleep with them. And a lot of men are that way. Life, my short life, has shown to me, what I think, is an ugliness in humanity-the majority of humanity. I also don't understand humanity, by and large, but there are reasons for that, I know those reasons. I have already got everything I can understand from women (sex), everything else (say love) is a total mystery to me and something, it seems, I don't think exists. At least for me. I'm not bothered by it all, it's just how my brain works. How I think.

I've met plenty of asexual couples mind you I don't think this individual is like me, but if he is, then I can offer more if need be I understand feeling that way

I say the same thing, (now at 24) though desire solitude vs being around men or women. But most people won't tell you if they generally dislike a certain gender, especially the opposite. I have no real desire for companionship, I'm not homosexual, I just don't understand women, I feel dating useless and boring. I don't see a real benefit in it. I could go on but, I donno, some things I would rather not share in large company

my family isn't all that close, nor have we ever had one of those my idea of heaven is solitude, being in a forest endless as the world. Solitude is something life doesn't often offer up, not truly. But it is largely what I want. Will I feel the same then? Will I want to do all this? Right now in my "weak" human mind, feels the idea of being around people and work, is what I consider to be hell now. I never said those things to the missionaries, Would God let me be alone? Is heaven someone else's idea of heaven, the majority, vs the minority?

well while the talks are good I rarely relate to others (there was one about someone's experiences with bullying I really identified with, but seems my luck I get the stories about things I have no concept about- like marriage or parent hood... but I think that's more because I, along with the missionaries, seem to be the only 20 somethings there, otherwise everyone else is at least 10 years older or younger) seemingly I often get there late so I sit in the very back so people don't notice me shaking from the cold (or my hands shaking or my OCD blinking...stuff like that) I get nervous if I can't escape, I always feel I need a quick exit if I get some sort of panic attack or something. It hasn't happened but its good to know the plan is there.

I can't sit still at church either and my mind will trail off too so my prayers are a rambling slew of words. I normally have something to hold and fiddle with, rocks mostly, but don't bring them out to church. I guess I am just unused to sitting still like that