Quin

Hey--we don't need your homophobia here, sir!

Great beeeeeeeeeg hugs to you!
I can help with #2.
AS that kid (who jumped off balconies aiming for Palm trees that were slanted the wrong way, and falling 2 stories i(through bougainvillea) into my mum's roses... Who did cartwheels on adobe fences 12' off the ground (and occasionally slid down them, scraping all the skin off my left side)... Who walked on a broken ankle for 2 weeks before telling my mum...
1) God looks out for children, fools, & the blind. I swear. And being a parkour chick before there was parkour (although I was a gymnast) ... We count as all three. I still think the spirit flattened me to that adobe wall and slid me down it like sandpaper. Yep. Partly in payback. But it also -physics aside, when gravity shifted to the left- totally saved my bacon.
2) Some people have high pain tolerance. Those of us who bash ourselves about as much as we did? We just don't hurt the same as other people. I don't know whether it's nerve damage, or a rocking 4th ventricle (the part of your brain that creates endorphins and natural pain killers), or what. But while stuff hurts, it just doesn't hurt us the same.
3) Lessons teach us how to do the stuff we already do SAFELY . Also, they give us a total,stranger to listen to. Not sure why we'll give a total stranger more credence than out mom,,. But it's true. We do. Mom says its stupid, we do it when she's not looking. Stranger says not to do it... We go "Huh. Yeah. I see your point. That would be stupid."
Face. Palm.
4) Bob Marley.
Every little Ting...gonna be alright.
Q

As the heads up: I'm the "Yep. Get divorced. Yesterday." person on this board.
(The lovely & brilliant Annatess my foil).
My three cents?
1) Your husband deserves someone who loves him. If that's not you, please stop wasting his time, and making him feel terrible in the interim.
2) Take all the blame squarely OFF your child's shoulders. YOU control your child's diet & exercise& medical regime. Worrying that "at this rate he'll be 400 pounds by college" totally abdicates all parental responsibility, while blaming your husband for your failure to act. Don't do that. Good diet, good activity & if it's a glandular disorder, take him to the durn doctor and get his levels stabilized!
3) Some genetic lines (think Viking & Polynesian & Russian wrestling) spawn BIG people. Big HEALTHY people, so long as they keep their activity up. 350 pounds of "Never gonna be ripped like Batman, but I can make a quarterback wish they were never born" fast, strong, HEALTHY. These people are never going to be the nimble thin runners you see darting all over. These people WILL be the TANKS in underarmor (and other stretchy clothes, cause tailoring custom clothes is expensive, and their size isn't sold off the rack) who have to replace "flimsy" shoes and furniture on a biannual basis, as they make you giggle with their terminator impressions. I knew a few of these guys in the Marine Corps. (350+ pounds of grizzly bear ya never never never wanna face in a fight). Football, & hockey players, & wrestlers the lot of them. Even running 3 miles under 18 minutes 5 times a week, with about 20 hours of gym time, and 40+ hours of constant motion...my hese guys never thinned out like the rest of us. 15-20 years later... I still know a couple of them. Those who have stayed active (physically), playing sports every day, cops on the street, gym teachers, etc... Are still as healthy (and TANKS) at 40 as they were at 20. Those who moved into desk jobs & non movement? Well... They waddle a bit. If they manage to stand much at all.
You met a BIG physically active guy in college. Whatever his diet & exercise program was... It was obviously working for him, as he was playing college ball. You've tried to completely change his diet, and clearly that hasn't been helpful. Have you considered encouraging your husband to go back to what WAS working? Eat as he was... But go back to training. Do something he LOVES, and is good at, and kept him fit.
__________
Ahem. As a former athlete: I need 10,000-15,000 calories a day when training. Of I don't have that level, my body starts to eat itself. We're not talking "lose weight". We're talking bone loss, organ damage, heart damage. I also start stacking on weight (because my body hoarders calories) if I'm eating too few calories when exercising. It looks INSANE to people who aren't doing similar training (I remember my family -all athletes- snickering at people with jaws dropped over Michael Phelps talking about the 10k-20k he eats, all whipcord thin). In the military? Your rations depend on your environment. I never worked in the desert, I worked in mountains & jungle. Our rations were 6,000 kcal per package. 3x-5x per day. Yep. For some exercises we were stoking 30,000 calories a day. (The army moves on its stomach).
Just some food for thought.
Q

I suspect one of the most key things will be finding out why people are inactive in your ward, to begin with.
About half my ward goes "inactive" (not exactly, but also not attending scarement) once every three years... Because we've got a lot of night workers who are also parents. Which means getting off work at 4am-6am... And needing to be at church at 9am simply isn't going to happen.
A few years ago someone noticed that we had no teens, whatsoever. Come to find, in our stake, there were about 50-60 teens in total, but they were spread out 2 or 3 per ward. Most of the families with teens were inactive, because a GREAT way to get teens to hate the church is to make them sit in a room all by themselves -or with one other person they can't stand- for 2 hours. So the stake designated one ward where all the youth 12+ (and their families) would go. Shazaaaaam. Did that ward's attendance skyrocket. Most of the teens, plus all of their families meant overflow into the gym every Sunday.
I'm sure there are other common reasons... But these are the two I'm first-hand familiar with.
Q

I know that this was meant to be a cross-section of real-life, sobering post, and I took it as such, but the bolded part here made me laugh out loud, Quin.  I love that you find humor in life, despite the horrors you have endured.  :)

Wow.
So many many moons ago... I knew I was supposed to break up with my boyfriend.
Put it off.
Found out I was pregnant.
Broke up with him.
As I was giving him no say in the matter (abortion WAS on the table, I decided not to, and was giving him no say in it), I told him he was welcome in the baby's life if he wanted to be, but if not? No worries. No child support, no et cetera.
Well,.. When I was 6 or 7 months pregnant (and weeping at sports drink commercials)... I allowed myself to finally bend under everyone but god begging me to marry the bloke. Seriously, guy proposed 6 times one month.
In MY case, "yes" was wrong wrong wrong.
Your guy min not be an ubercharming sociopath with violent tendencies... So I can't say what would be right / wrong for you, your guy could be best friend / best coparent/ best husband ever... Mine was the sociopath. And despite countless thwack upside the head from the spirit I still married him and stayed that way for over a decade. Bad news.
But whether Prince Charming or Dr. Evil...
EXPECT pressure... If he doesn't run for the hills... To marry him yesterday. From everyone around you. At all times. Including strangers. Really. Strangers in the supermarket when they looked at my left hand would give me advice on how to "snag him" or how it's soooo much better for the baby (blah blah blah. I mean, asked for advice is one thing. But there is something about a bulging belly that removes everyone's boundaries and sense of common decency! Hands off! Nose OUT of my business! No, really, take your hands off of me. That's still my stomach and I did not tell you to rub up all on me while telling me your horror of a birthing story, and tell,if me what a terrible life my child will have from a single parent Ms. Bluebird of Happiness XP )
KNOW that the idea that you won't be operating with all your marbles at all times due to massive hormonal fluctuations is going to be insulting, and feel ridiculous. Also know that if you're crying at commercials and yelling at 6yos who could be cast in a Mary Poppins movie... Your marbles WILL return. But in the meantime Try not to make major life changing decisions . Decide that now. Before your heart swells up and starts overflowing with so much love someone you wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole you bind yourself for all eternity. If he's the guy, great... But don't decide that with a shotgun.
3rd (4th 5th 92nd?] Consult a family law attorney.
Q

Wow.
So many many moons ago... I knew I was supposed to break up with my boyfriend.
Put it off.
Found out I was pregnant.
Broke up with him.
As I was giving him no say in the matter (abortion WAS on the table, I decided not to, and was giving him no say in it), I told him he was welcome in the baby's life if he wanted to be, but if not? No worries. No child support, no et cetera.
Well,.. When I was 6 or 7 months pregnant (and weeping at sports drink commercials)... I allowed myself to finally bend under everyone but god begging me to marry the bloke. Seriously, guy proposed 6 times one month.
In MY case, "yes" was wrong wrong wrong.
Your guy min not be an ubercharming sociopath with violent tendencies... So I can't say what would be right / wrong for you, your guy could be best friend / best coparent/ best husband ever... Mine was the sociopath. And despite countless thwack upside the head from the spirit I still married him and stayed that way for over a decade. Bad news.
But whether Prince Charming or Dr. Evil...
EXPECT pressure... If he doesn't run for the hills... To marry him yesterday. From everyone around you. At all times. Including strangers. Really. Strangers in the supermarket when they looked at my left hand would give me advice on how to "snag him" or how it's soooo much better for the baby (blah blah blah. I mean, asked for advice is one thing. But there is something about a bulging belly that removes everyone's boundaries and sense of common decency! Hands off! Nose OUT of my business! No, really, take your hands off of me. That's still my stomach and I did not tell you to rub up all on me while telling me your horror of a birthing story, and tell,if me what a terrible life my child will have from a single parent Ms. Bluebird of Happiness XP )
KNOW that the idea that you won't be operating with all your marbles at all times due to massive hormonal fluctuations is going to be insulting, and feel ridiculous. Also know that if you're crying at commercials and yelling at 6yos who could be cast in a Mary Poppins movie... Your marbles WILL return. But in the meantime Try not to make major life changing decisions . Decide that now. Before your heart swells up and starts overflowing with so much love someone you wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole you bind yourself for all eternity. If he's the guy, great... But don't decide that with a shotgun.
3rd (4th 5th 92nd?] Consult a family law attorney.
Q

Pray as though everything depends on God.
 
Work as though everything depends on you.

See... This is where we go super complex. In ONE example of a sexless marriage:
WHY is PartnerA choosing to disengage?
There are hundreds of possibilities.
1-100 can be things that their spouse has done which are creating a cause & effect relationship
100-200 can be PartnerA physical problems
200-300 can be PartnerB physical problems
300-400 can be PartnerA mental, or emotional, or spiritual, or logistic problems
Et cetera.
And that\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'s STILL only one example.
Because the prerequisite is PartnerA CHOOSING to disengage.
There are a gazillion other examples where PartnerA isn\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'t choosing to disengage, but instead is _______
(a ton of other possibilities... From loss of libido to decreased situational awareness to time management to prioritizing to, to to, to... But just to pick one of dozens of causes...the most common causes of loss of libido are
- sleep dep
- depression
- medication
- stress / illness)
So if partner A is undergoing chemo, and as such has suffered a loss of libido are they obligated to fulfill their spouses sexual needs?
If partnerB has been deployed,
If partnerA has been raped
If partnerB hasn\'t slept in 3 days
If partnerA is suicidal
If partnerB is working 4 jobs
If partnerA is suffering for dental pain
Gazillions of Long term issues just like the group where they\'re choosing to disengage
But there are even more groups than choosing to disengage vs suffered a loss of libido or logistical improbability.
____________________
Yes. No. Maybe. Depends ENTIRELY on the individual couple in question, and the individuals within the couple.
I really don\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\'t think that there is a blanket answer that should even generally apply.
If you were asking about LITERALLY one couple,mans their specific circumstance, then yah sure. We can come up with a very good answer for THEM.
But that answer doesn\\\'t translate to every (or even most) other couples and their marriages.
Because there are too many variables at play that change the \\\"right & best\\\" answer. Yes, no, yes, maybe, in time perhaps, never, absolutely... It really all depends on the couple in question and their exact circumstance.
Q

One thing you may consider doing is going to some open AA NA CA meetings, as well as some open al-anon, nar-anon, etc. meetings.
If you get a schedule (online or elsewhere), there are codes which show which meetings are open to the public, and which meetings are addicts only / closed to the public. Most meetings are open.
Q

All of the above, and the above, and...
I'm not a witch! I'm your wife!
To the pain.
Inconceivable!
Rodents of unusual size.
MOSTLY dead.
____________
The priest at my wedding I bribed to start the service (without telling anyone else ahead of time), just a moment before walking down the aisle on sudden impulse. I didn't know if he'd actually do, it, though. He did!
"Wuv. Twue wuv....." Before his real beginning.
There was this thunderclap of laughter, followed by hundreds of hands slapped over mouths.
It. Was. Beautiful.
Everyone knew instantly it was me who'd done it.
Oy.
It took me until this very moment, though, to realize I really DID marry Humperdink!
Whoops.
Now I have TWO promptings from the Spirit that day that I totally ignored that day.
Le sigh.
Never been a smart one, over here.
Q

Okay... Feeling compelled to add a bit more:
(And I was so proud at beig concise, for once! Le sigh).
Would a doctor ever tell you to drink alcohol?
Yep.
It's the antidote for antifreeze poisoning.
Would a doctor ever tell you to masturbate?
Yep.
Kinda necessary for IVF & a few other things.
PLEASE... Stop looking for medical advice from people who are not your doctor... And worse, taking it.
HF wants you to be healthy.
HF has placed these doctors in your life to help you achieve that aim.
Why only follow their advice so far, and then ignore it completely in favor of someone who has no idea what all is involved?
My mum (doesn't drink) always keeps a bottle of Everclear in the house...
Because kids do stupid things like drink the "thick Mountain Dew".
Should she just let a kid die, because it's against the word of wisdom to drink alcohol?
Of course not.
But will there be someone, somewhere, who would refuse for alcohol to be poured down their toddler's throat as it bein against God's wishes?
Of course there will be.
There will ALWAYS be someone in your life telling you what God wants.
You're LDS, take I to him, yourself.
HF... Should I follow my doctors medical advice, or my bishops medical advice?
Q

How about this:
Follow your doctor's MEDICAL advice, and your bishop's SPIRITUAL advice.
The two should never contradict.
If they are... Then someone is stepping over their bounds.
Q

Okay... Feeling compelled to add a bit more:
(And I was so proud at beig concise, for once! Le sigh).
Would a doctor ever tell you to drink alcohol?
Yep.
It's the antidote for antifreeze poisoning.
Would a doctor ever tell you to masturbate?
Yep.
Kinda necessary for IVF & a few other things.
PLEASE... Stop looking for medical advice from people who are not your doctor... And worse, taking it.
HF wants you to be healthy.
HF has placed these doctors in your life to help you achieve that aim.
Why only follow their advice so far, and then ignore it completely in favor of someone who has no idea what all is involved?
My mum (doesn't drink) always keeps a bottle of Everclear in the house...
Because kids do stupid things like drink the "thick Mountain Dew".
Should she just let a kid die, because it's against the word of wisdom to drink alcohol?
Of course not.
But will there be someone, somewhere, who would refuse for alcohol to be poured down their toddler's throat as it bein against God's wishes?
Of course there will be.
There will ALWAYS be someone in your life telling you what God wants.
You're LDS, take I to him, yourself.
HF... Should I follow my doctors medical advice, or my bishops medical advice?
Q

I think i know what medication group you're referring to. Unfortunately, working out or other similar activities don't relieve this type of tension, especially when it's caused by massive hormonal changes that are beyond the scope that usually naturally occur. No one can make an answer for you. It's always gunna be your option and your choice to make. Just keep in mind Shakespeare's immortal line: "This above all: to thine own self be true." 

I have some extra adderall... No? Okay I'll keep it. 

Nothing puts a smile on my face during a boring trip to the grocery store like seeing a nice pair of yoga pants

Back in my dating days - I thought to meet the family as soon as posible.  It was part of my deciding about dating seriously.  But and this is a very big "but" - I was raised to pay my own way.  Though my father was very wealthy he would never consider paying for any such thing.  I know what he would have said had I asked: "If it is not important enough for you to figure it out - it is not going to be more important for me to figure it out for you.  If you cannot figure out how to pay for it then it really is not that important."
 
He told me the same thing when I talked to him about doing anything I wanted to do - including going to college.  Whenever I asked him for money - he gave me an extra job to do.  Even at meal time - he would say that we eat whatever is served weather we like it or not - if we want something else we pay for it.

Divorce totally off the table/not even part of the discussion... I believe it\\\'s still impossible to classify the cognitive, emotional, physical, & spiritual well being of a marriage based on a single activity within the marriage that is a joint endeavor between the spouses.Replace \\\"sex\\\" with laughing, going to church, cleaning, raising children, talking... Literally \\\"whatever\\\"... And you\\\'re going to find hundreds, if no thousands of different answers.
When only one person is making a choice, it\\\'s a simple thing.
When 2 people are making a choice together? Then it becomes complex.
Let\\\'s take \\\"cleaning\\\" to be the activity.
Because cleaning is a fairly mundane & simple thing, right?
But...
- Some people will be pathological about it (addiction, OCD, ADHD, GAD, Hoarding)
- Others prioritize that EXTREMELY high (medical needs...like blindness, immunodeficiency, wheelchair access, and umpteen others)
- Others prioritize that very high (necessary to their gainful employment, necessary for their cog/emo health, necessary for...)
- Others prioritize that high (not necessary for their needs... But necessary for their wants)
- Others prioritize it med (they enjoy either cleaning OR a clean house, but it\\\'s not necessary for their needs or wants)
- Others prioritize it low (they don\\\'t care, but could care less)
- Others prioritize it very low (they couldn\\\'t care less)
- Others prioritize it extremely low (completely oblivious... For a whole variety of reasons).
You take 2 people married and they\\\'re going to be in two different places on that spectrum above.
And that spectrum is ONLY about the priority of cleaning in their lives!
Those 2 different places on the spectrum will cause either friction or ease or both.
Those 2 different places on the spectrum can move around (like if one partner becomes blind, or if there\\\'s an earthquake, or death in the fam, or, or, or, or).
How those 2 people relate to each other, and their positions on the spectrum can change a great deal.
And all of he above is something like 2% of the factors involved!
Be it sex or cleaning... One can\\\'t simply say \\\"If you respect your partner you will do XYZ.\\\"
You can say what you WONT do very simply.
But saying what one SHOULD do is an almost impossible proposition.
There are too many variables in play.
Coercive Sex = Bad
That\\\'s easy.
But the reverse logic doesn\\\'t work.

As far as inexpensive dresses go....
- Not everyone has a body type that is in line with cheap clothes. While petit women can always shop in the children's section, very tall women & Reubenesque women are limited to specialty shops. Most of which are VERY expensive. Not SAKS expensive, but $100 for a pair of jeans expensive.
- When some families are having to get food from the bishop, struggling to save up for medical & dental, may even be in notice of shut-off on basic things like utilities... Even $20 (assuming they can get anything for that, they might be stuck with $100+ options) is too much to DEMAND in order to participate in a sisterhood. Which is what insisting on purchasing clothes in order to attend an RS function is doing. In the game of hard choices (my electricity bill, or my daughter's asthma med) a new dress doesn't even enter into it!
Q

Ditto.Including time spent in the military.
I suspect it's more the taboo nature that makes it seem like a much bigger problem than it is.
Like pop-illnesses. SARS, Avian Flu, H1N1, etc. cause most people to FREAK out, even derailing their lives for days/weeks/months agonizing over it... The media launches circuses... It's just a huge huge huge deal for people... Emotionally. But these pop-illnesses tend to kill 12, 40, 150 people. Which is NOTHING compared to all the illnesses we don't even blink at. The cold & flu kill apx 35,000 - 50,000 in the US alone, per year. (Can't get link to work...CDC.gov has the stats). As do most of the others, we blithely walk around terror-free from. Mortality and morbidity stats in the tens of thousands. Or even higher.
People don't blink at the cold/flu... But freak at illness that kills 12 people. Not because they're a huge problem, but because of the novelty.
Non-LDS don't blink at porn & MB... But LDS-culture freaks, I posit, again because of the novelty.
It's not something we're used to as a culture, as it's proscribed... So we make mountains out of molehills.
Q

I mostly use the AP for daily stuff.
It\\\'s 1 line about a gazillion different things going on.
If I\\\'m interested in something, then I search to see who has picked up the story.
Usually it\\\'s been picked up by a couple of different papers.
Most of whom publish online.
I\\\'ve noticed I really prefer the BBC coverage of American events & politics over American media.
Waaaaaaay less political bias / \\\"both\\\" sides of a story are presented in one place
For international news I tend to split my time between the BBC & Al Jazeerah
Using the AP & Google, though, has been super fun.
Some of the writers I really like I\\\'ve watched \\\"come up\\\" from local Ohio paper, to Boston, to NYC... Or from Arizona to LA.... et cetera..., to freelance all over the durn place as they sell investigative pieces to the highest bidder.
For REALLY local news... I tune into the police blotter pages. Always good for a laugh. Cops have stellar senses of humor. They also keep things in perspective. \\\"A bit wet under the XXX overpass this morning. Road closed. Flooding\\\" Right next to a picture of a floating truck in 8 feet of swirling water. LEOs rock.
Q

<grin>Okay... I double dog dare you to find women's jeans (much less slacks) with a 36-38" inseam in a resale shop.
Triple dog dare to find a dress that would fit a 6' tall woman (MuMus don't count). Remember, it's not just length, the bust needs to be about 6" lower, and 4" more substantial, as well as the waist & hips. Otherwise bust is at your neck, waist at your bust, and hips over your stomach. All the wide parts at your narrow parts, and -gasp!- can't breathe!!! narrow parts over your wide parts!!!
I'm in resale shops about twice a month. In over 20 years of looking I've never found a dress or trousers that fit as intended.
I buy a lot of dresses as SHIRTS (they come down to just below my waistband... Even though they're knee to mid thigh style dresses), and 32" pants hit my upper calf, so they're fine as capris.
For smart clothes that fit... I have to shop in specialty shops.
Which makes jeans $100+ & dresses $200+
Petite women can always buy children's clothes, but tall women (regardless of weight), and Reubenesque women can't even buy off the rack.
We have to pay through the nose in specialty shops.
(For awhile Tommy Hilf. made 28/38 jeans... For something like $50 (so cheap!!!)... I bought tons and tons of them.) but even when buying men's clothes, it's super hard to find tall sizes, since men have these bandy little legs!!! And the rest, unless you're going for the bull-butch look has to be altered @ $50 a piece.
Being able to buy at thrift/vintage shops is entirely dependent on having a typical body for your area.
Same problem here with boys & suits. Oy. I live in a no-suit area.
Which means my boys' suits almost all have to be bought new.
Even the largest thrift stores may have at MOST 5-6 suits.
Nasty, stained, disgusting things... That they would turn away. .. If they were anything else.
But there's always a homeless guy, or recovering addict looking for work willing to buy them.
Reeking of pee & mothballs, I wouldn't buy them for my kids. Even if they weren't size 56 short. In maroon polyester. .
We do our beat to trade sizes at church, (once every few months there's a stake wide suit swap) but one can't count on it. It drives all the Utah transplants keeeee-razy to have to spend $100 at JC Penny (cheapest) for their 8yo.Apparently there are cheap suit options out there.
But yah. If you're lucky enough to have an average sized body, in an area where people sell the kinds of clothes you need, awesome opossum! But not all of us are so lucky.
_______
Ahem. I'm serious about the dare. As in Ill buy them off you if you find em!
Fly my pretties! Bring mama back some new clothes!

What I have been told by financial people I trust (business & Econ professors)...
Pay off all your debt EXCEPT student loans.
The reason given is that student loans are
- classified as a different kind of debt, entirely... By both credit beauros & judiciary (aka 100k of student debt not even blinked at, while 5k of credit card debt can be a big deal).
- once consolidated & amortized over as long a period as possible... The interest rate = inflation rate = free money
________
To steal JAGs line, though, we're just guys/gals on the Internet.
While you know many of us... And I'm sure we all trust where we got our own a dive from... I'd personally recommend you go hire someone from Columbia or Yale with their MBA and years in the financial industry to look over your finances and come up with long/short term plans for your finances.
Q

I don't usually recommend this site on here... It's secular/nondenominational/all welcome and although it is heavily moderates, people are in extreme pain, so the language & graphic nature of many posts reflect that. However it's ALSO the best place I know of to get educated about infidelity.
You don't have to go to the forums (where the language will make a sailor blush) ... 'The Healing Library' articles, books, & links has publishing standards.
What is generally thought of as most useful is understanding
- Blameshifting
- Trickle Truth
- Gaslighting
- 180
- Friends of the Affair vs Friends of the Marriage
- No Contact
- Transparency
- and probably a few things I'm forgetting
Along with basics like getting STD tests on both yourself & your kids, how to protect yourself & your kids legally (especially if you're reconciling, which may seem counterintuitive, but in divorce you have an attorney looking out for you. Reconciling, you're on your own), and what the general timeline is on both reconciliation & divorce.
SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity
Q