GratefulHeart

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Everything posted by GratefulHeart

  1. The sad reality is, his actions are already resulting in choosing gaming over you, your children, your marriage... and any kind of responsibility. It sounds like you have made many attempts to help him and the marriage. Sometimes there is only so much you can do. You can't change him, but you can make changes on your end. He likely needs to have it all pulled from under him. To be forced to have to take care of himself. He may have friends and family who will put him up for a while, but they likely will have far less tolerance for him to freeload than you do, and will expect him to use the time staying with them to get a job, and on his feet. When he takes advantage and just uses people for crash pads and wifi, he will start burning bridges, and eventually be forced to have to do things for himself. The general appeal to gaming is that it is a way to step away from normal life, relax, have fun. Normal people/ non addicts play it for those purposes, and as a hobby, but they still participate in normal life as well. People looking for an escape from real life can get addicted to gaming because it offers a way to be someone else. In the gaming world they can become some kind of champion that other people look up to, and are impressed by. So, if someone is feeling down in normal life, can't cope, has stress, or maybe even mental health issues, gaming gives them a chance to toss all of that aside to live in a fantasy world instead. Some of the same mechanisms are at play when people become addicted to pornography, gambling etc.... there usually are underlying issues at play that they are either running from, or trying to compensate for. He obviously needs counseling to help find out the root cause of the addiction, and why he is choosing it over real life. He has to want the help, and be open to it in order for it to work though. Real life might just have to slam into him before he will face it.
  2. My family loves to go camping. There just is something about nature, and stripping away the chaos of every day life and technology that really helps to bond and focus on each other. We just do it old-school with tents. These days its a lot easy with solar lanterns, mosquito bracelets, comfortable inflatable mattresses etc...
  3. The mechanics of sleep paralysis is that it is a state where you body is still asleep but your mind comes awake. Sometimes your mind still is not fully awake and so you can be in a semi-dream state, and the panic induced from the paralysis creates extreme fear and distorted reasons and images. Many people think there is some kind of "hag" or creature holding them down in some kind of way. Its most likely just a trick of the mind and not an evil spirit. There is plenty of research and similar impressions and experiences out there. It might make you feel better to go look at all of that so that you have a scientific explanation that really is common.
  4. I think its a matter of if it remains a single incident, or becomes a pattern. If you see repeat issues, and it starts impacting the work ( contractor or not), that is when you would have some grounds to talk to him about it, or even have to reconsider the working relationship.
  5. Faith_In_Every_Footstep, I take it this is what you meant on another thread when you said you had important questions that were not really answered here. I think people tried, but since you didn't give a lot of specifics about the situation all people could do is give you generalized responses as well. I might be able to help with information. Sadly, over the years I've watched and helped many people go through the process (family, friends, aquaintances), and have a family member who served as a bishop. Since I don't know what the full situation is to give you a specific comparison, i'll give a few different examples and information to see if that helps to give you and your family member an idea of what he is facing, and the answers you were seeking. Most of us are good people and have good intentions and are capable of mistakes, but unfortunately its not so simple or quick as you seem to assume it is. You also said you were looking for absolute timelines to make him feel better. There definitely isn't an exact timeline or any kind of fast track. I say that to help prepare; not to be mean. I know multiple people who have been excommunicated, and only 4 were rebaptized after several years, and two had restorals several years after being rebaptized (one is still waiting for permission for restoral, and another had not been endowed until after). The restoral of blessings (endowments,priesthood, sealings) hast to be authorized by the first presidency, so it's a lengthy process. I think it's a year after being baptized again before a person can be considered for the restoration of blessings, and then it can take a several years to be authorized. first there is the council itself. It's not meant to be punishment, but it it really is done out of love. It's meant to help people to get on the right path, and sometimes when people have gone far off course, the best way is to be given a clean slate, and given the opportunity to be made clean again. There are a couple talks that I always think abou with the repentance process. There is one by Elder Ballard that refers to it as coming to the table with dirty hands, and needing to be sent away so can come back clean again.... and then another by Elder Packer that also compares it to being dirty and needing to be washed clean. Here they are:https://www.lds.org/ensign/1990/09/a-chance-to-start-over-church-disciplinary-councils-and-the-restoration-of-blessings?lang=eng https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1997/04/washed-clean?lang=eng "I remember as a child occasionally coming unkempt to the dinner table. My mother wisely sent me to clean up and then return. My parents would have been pained if I had taken offense and had run off—and I would have been foolish to do so. In the same way, the servants of the Lord occasionally find that they must, in loving concern, send some of Heavenly Father’s children out the door so they can return clean once again. The Lord does not want us to “miss supper.” In fact, he has a great feast prepared for those who return clean and pure through the door. He is greatly saddened when anyone decides they prefer to be unclean and miss the meal, or when they find an excuse to take offense, or when they run away. He is pleased to extend the chance to start over. " "I thought that repentance, like soap, should be used frequently. I found that when I apologized for mistakes, things were better. But for serious mistakes, an apology was not enough—sometimes not even possible. While these mistakes were, for the most part, not major ones, the spiritual pain called guilt invariably set in. Sooner or later they must be resolved, but I didn’t know what to do. That happens when you break something that you alone can’t fix." From what I've heard, those factors play a large role when it's determined what a person needs to help them ( excommunication, disfellowship, probation, or nothing needed). They look for signs of true repentance, and change of heart and actions (and use spiritual guidance and prayer). That means its a lot more than just being sorry, and being a good person. They need to see the person has truly changed their ways, ceased activities, situations, or even ended relationships that were bad influences and resulted in making the mistakes. Its complete honesty, owning, and changing. If a person goes in front of the council and is still in the situation or doing what is harmful, and just says they are sorry and intend to change, it likely won't be a "lesser" ruling because it shows that person still needs to go through the process of "cleaning" themselves. Its not just about words and intent, its about visble actions and changes as well. Other factors seem to be level of accountability (if they have been endowed, hold the priesthood etc...) if others were harmed or negatively influenced ( children), if their were prior issues or repeat offenses, and how public the situation was. (Unfortunately children often get very negatively affected when parents become excommunicated. It can leave them without a priesthood holder, cause sealings to their parents to be lost, and they're at greater risk of having negative influences and examples, and not remaining in the church. ) I'm going to use my cousin as an example because he's very vocal about his situation because its part of his testimony and he sees it as a way to help others. About a decade ago he got involved with a woman who was a non-member and who really had contrasting values. She convinced him to move in with her, and there were law of chastity issues that developed. He tried to convince himself that it was all okay because they got engaged and were in love, so that would somehow make it all right later. When he went to his council they were not yet married, but still living together (she had no desire to join the church). He'd hoped being engaged and sorry for his choices would be enough, but really even getting married would not have been enough to make him clean, the acts were still there regardless and he had not changed anything and marriage does not just cancel it out. They asked him if he was willing to end the relationship and expressed their many concerns that her influence would continue to negatively affect him and his child, and that it also would be difficult for him to repent and be restored if he married her. He said no, and after prayer and a great deal of consideration, the council felt excommunication was needed to help him. It turned out they were right on all their points and concerns, and truthfully guided by the spirit. He married the woman not long after with the full intent to quickly become rebaptized and regain everything, especially the sealing to his daughter from previous marriage. it turned out to be difficult because he was affected by his wife's lack of interest and habits. His attendance wasn't consistent and he wasn't able to maintain standards. He was basically told that it would not be of help to grant him baptisim again when he was not truly clean or repented ( which is the purpose). It wasn't until that marriage ended that he was able to fully focus on repentance and go through the needed process. It took him five years from the time he was excommunicated to be baptized again, and then additional two and a half years after that to have his priesthood, endowments etc... restored, so almost 8 years. though he did regain everything, his daughter went down a negative path as a teenager and he struggled with holding her to standards he himself didn't keep, and she no-longer is active in the church. He also had a child with his second wife, and it greatly pains him that he is not being raised in the church, nor was he sealed to him, blessed, or baptized (so another reason why he wishes he had listened to the advice at the time of his council). This may all sound discouraging, but it's an example of what'ss needed, and that it's very important for your family member to heed, and take the advice that is given to him. He needs to trust the guidance they receive, especially since he might not be in a spiritual state (due to his situation) where he can receive guidance from the spirit himself. Another friend also got involved with a non-member relationship, became inactive, and had a spiral of other choices. She eventually came back, and after about two years of activity was baptized again. She has now remarried, and is waiting for restoral of endowments so that they can be sealed in the temple ( she has been waiting close to three years for restoral since she was rebaptized). A friend's father in law was excommunicated over fifteen years ago, and has been regularly attending for over a decade (and greatly desires to be baptized again), but still hasn't been given that approval. he's almost seventy now, and I don't know the particulars, only that it shows that things vary between people and their situations, and what guidance stake presidents etc... receive in determining if a person is clean enough and ready to start anew. its about insuring that a person has a complete clean start. I'm sorry that this was long-winded. I was trying to cover bases for you since you weren't specific. I'll gladly answers any other questions as best I can. Here are some additional talks that you can pass on that could be helpful: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/10/clean-hands-and-a-pure-heart?lang=eng&_r=1 https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/the-divine-gift-of-repentance?lang=eng&_r=1
  6. There are times that we have to remove ourselves from people who are unhealthy for us, are negative influences, or treat us bad. That does not make YOU a bad person, it makes you someone who recognizes the need for self love and protection. Something you will learn with time, is that some people just can be selfish and not have the desire to change. There is only so much you can do, and so many times you can give someone another chance. If they do not change, then it is on your end to make the change that will end being hurt and used. That means you have to say goodbye. Try not to worry about being nice about it. Just be direct. "You have hurt me many times, and I have given you opportunities to improve, but nothing has changed. I cannot be treated like this anymore. I feel it is in our best interests to no longer be friends. I wish you well. " Sometimes you just have to be direct to avoid them thinking it is a bluff, or looking for ways to wiggle back in.
  7. I have loved ones who suffer from depression, and in ways it also can greatly affect, and be challenging for those around them. Its a type of illness that really affects all of us, and it is sad to see how many still do not understand that it truly is an illness that should be handled with the same compassion, support, and understanding as anything else. My prayers go to all of you who have shared your stories, and I grateful for your willingness to share of yourselves in that way. Someone in need may read them. Sorry to hear your fiance has struggles, that must be difficult on your relationship. What questions did you have?
  8. I understand why the bands and artists are upset. I would be upset if I saw someone using my work without permission to push an agenda that I do not support. Music has a lot of power to evoke emotions and messages. So when a song is used in a campaign, they are using someone's artistry to inspire others to support them, so they should have permission. It can give the false impression that those big name artists support them, which also could result in drawing the interest and support of others under false pretenses.
  9. I typically lean towards, "better safe than sorry" in any kind of situation that presents a risk. Be it wearing a bike helmet, wearing sun screen, or avoiding anything that could result in temptation. I know of too many people who thought they were strong enough to resist, and that they could avoid harmful choices when sharing hotel rooms, beds, and even moving in together. Unfortunately, I have seen a lot of heartbreak and destructive situations from people who originally had good intentions to maintain the LOC. So, sometimes it just is best to go with "better safe than sorry." It might mean having to spend more money on a second room, but it could prevent the loss of the relationship itself ( and other important things).
  10. Sometimes people we love just behave in ways we do not agree with. Sometimes we just don't have control to change things. She obviously is looking at it all from a different view, and doesn't want to change. In those kind of cases we just sometimes have to step back, and not get involved in the tangle. It just creates additional stress and tension. It hurts, especially when we love people we know are behaving in harmful ways, but sometimes we just have to step-back to prevent chain reactions and harm that could become directed at us. It sounds like a situation of "don't feed it". Its likely best to step back and not respond to her anger, it just will provide fuel.
  11. Rule of thumb. Effort + time reflect a lot about interest and intentions. Things come up, and sometimes plans do have to be cancelled, but someone should quickly make new plans and then follow through with them. If someone avoids, changes plans, and does not actively correct things, make new plans etc..... then you pretty much can see that they are not very interested or even respectful of you. Its not really even worth addressing, if he is isn't interested it won't result in him changing his behaviors and going out with you. It likely just will create more awkardness for both of you, and needless additional heartache for you.