when you prayed over the BoM...

[mike_uk]

LnF.

I have been a member around 15 years and for most of that was very much dedicated in what I was doing. Fully active, always did my home teaching, attending ALL my meetings. Studied, prayed all the time. I regualarly attended the temple but never once did I ever get confirmation that the BoM was true. But, I really did try. In the end I just ended up assuming it must be true if I believed Joseph was a prophet and the church was true.

I also knew an indiviudual, a sincere, good person who so desperately wanted to know if the BoM was true. He was a lifelong member and dedicated missionary but wanted his own personal testimony. He spent many months pouring out his heart to Heavenly Father desperately seeking confirmation of it's validity. He got nothing until one day when the asnwer clearly came to him. He had a powerful witness that it was not true and the path he was treading was not what God wanted.

Fast forward a little and he has now left the church and I am close to doing the same thing.

Edited June 13, 2008 by mike_uk
Made a modification

[justamere10]

LnF.

I have been a member around 15 years and for most of that was very much dedicated in what I was doing. Fully active, always did my home teaching, attending ALL my meetings. Studied, prayed all the time. I regualarly attended the temple but never once did I ever get confirmation that the BoM was true. But, I really did try. In the end I just ended up assuming it must be true if I believed Joseph was a prophet and the church was true.

I also knew an indiviudual, a sincere, good person who so desperately wanted to know if the BoM was true. He was a lifelong member and dedicated missionary but wanted his own personal testimony. He spent many months pouring out his heart to Heavenly Father desperately seeking confirmation of it's validity. He got nothing until one day when the asnwer clearly came to him. He had a powerful witness that it was not true and the path he was treading was not what God wanted.

Fast forward a little and he has now left the church and I am close to doing the same thing.

Proof of the Book of Mormon is a spiritual one. In the history of the LDS Church God has told millions and millions of people that the book is true. So, He's now going to tell one of His children that He was lying all along? Could those millions of others who bear testimony that the book is true be YOUR witness of its verity? Could that rowboat approaching you as you cling to the roof of a flooded house be God's answer to your prayer asking HIM for help?

"For verily I say unto you, blessed is he that keepeth my commandments, whether in life or in death; and he that is FAITHFUL IN TRIBULATION, the reward is greater in the kingdom of heaven." D&C 58:2

Doctrine and Covenants 58

Sometimes it's better to have only faith rather than personal knowledge.

"Jesus saith unto him, Thomas, because thou hast seen me, thou hast believed: blessed are they that have NOT SEEN, AND YET HAVE BELIEVED." John 20:29

John 20

We are told that even the very elect will be DECEIVED in the last days. Anyone who receives a witness that the Book of Mormon is false did NOT receive that experience from God. He is not a God of confusion and He does not tell lies to His children.

I knew a non-member who was seriously investigating the Church and took the missionary discussions. She really wanted the spiritual test of the Book of Mormon to apply to her as well. But she told me she could not get a confirmation that the book was true. As she told me that I noticed the smoke curling upwards from a lit cigarette in her hand.

Until we are prepared to ACT on revelation from God, it is not likely to come. We must have our minds prepared for OBEDIENCE before God will speak to us, He's not there for our entertainment. She knew that to join the Church she'd have to give up smoking, but she hadn't. So, no witness.

We get line upon line, precept on precept. Until we are obedient to a line and determined to do our very best to endure to the end of our lives in that obedience, we get no other line.

But the Church is not for everyone, it's a hard discipline. And once you embark on that road, especially once you have made sacred covenants in the temple, it's absolutely essential for your eternal well-being that you ENDURE to the end, regardless of what life may throw your way. For God will NOT be mocked...

"Blessed is the man that ENDURETH temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him." James 1: 12

James 1

I wish you the very best and hope you will do some serious fasting and praying before you make choices that could throw away your Second Estate, especially after having been so faithful in your First. Perhaps you knew all along that the Book of Mormon is true, as I did. And perhaps not getting a miracle on your personal behalf is your greatest test.

But of course all choices are yours, as they are with everyone, a great and terrible gift from God. The consequences of our choices are ours too, some of them eternal.

It's a great time to be alive.

The thing about sin that I hate the most is that it hurts my Savior, extracts another drop of that precious redeeming blood from His body.

Why not try throwing yourself into Cyber Missionary work? You could do some good 'out there' each day for the rest of your life, however long or short it may be, and not be ashamed when you meet your Savior at the end of the day...

He lives, I know that. I also know that the Book of Mormon is a true record of some of His people who came to the Americas from Jerusalem, led by a prophet about 600 B.C. I know that book was written and preserved for OUR time. It is a warning that our nation and its people too will be destroyed if we turn to pride, materialism, and godlessness.

Now go out and do the right thing. We need all the LDS Cyber Missionaries and Word Warriors we can get. Now is not a time to turn and run and abandon your brothers and sisters who too were preserved to come to this world in the most wicked of times, preserved because we had shown so much strength in our premortal existence, and God knew we'd be needed in these times as the War of Words, the struggle for souls, continues.

We can never be tempted beyond our ability to resist, if so we could not be held accountable and judged righteously. The choice is ours, the choice is YOURS.

CTR...

Edited June 13, 2008 by justamere10
scriptures added

[MikeUpton]

When I prayed about the church, I did not recieve an immediate answer, although I did believe in the church. I did feel peaceful about what I was doing. I did feel I knew it was true. My testimony actually came mostly on my mission. When we taught people about Joseph Smith seeing God the father and his son, Jesus Christ, the spirit would testify. I can remember that I felt the Spirit of God every time I did that. Sometimes, it was subtle. Sometimes, it was overwhelming. But always always it was there.

I owe a large part of my testimony to my mission, and to teaching others about the Church. In testifying of the truth, the truth was in turn testified to me. I know that the Church is true. I've had it affirmed to me over a thousand times. I am very familiar with the voice of the Spirit, and it was God who manifested himself through the Holy Ghost every time I taught about the Book of Mormon, or the vision of Joseph Smith. I can't express how deeply I know by now, the truthfulness of this church. It is impossible to put into words.

[Hemidakota]

The missionaries caught up to me when I was in my early twenties and living in Australia fresh from a stint in the Air Force on the other side of the world. That was forty years ago.

The first time they came in and taught a discussion with a flannel board and paper cutouts one of them propped a small black book against the wall near the door. I was an avid reader so my eyes kept straying to that book. I was quite disappointed when they left, taking the book with them.

The second time they left me a Book of Mormon and I curled up with it for two days if I recall correctly. When I got to the part where it asks you to pray if the book is "not true" I tried and failed. I tried and tried and failed each time. To this day, though I've been a faithful Latter-day Saint for forty years, I have never been able to sincerely pray if the Book of Mormon is true!

It has been many years since I tried but each time I would try to sincerely pray if the book was true it was sort of like asking God to let me know if the sun was shining when I was outside at noon on a sunny day with my eyes wide open, and not standing in the shade either. I KNEW the book was true without praying about it. Each time I tried I'd know before I could get into it, time after time.

So, no, I was never really told if the book was true, I REMEMBERED it being so.

Or so it seemed.

The Book of Mormon is true my brothers and sisters. I know that as well as I know I'm sitting at a keyboard and looking at a monitor right now...

Another wonderful former military member....

[mike_uk]

Justamere10, thanks for taking the time to reply to my post.

However, my problems with the church and Joseph Smith run far too deep and have done for some time. Nothing short of God coming down and telling me it's true would change my mind and we all know that wont happen.

I just cannot accept the evidence being the book itself. I just cant.

[justamere10]

Justamere10, thanks for taking the time to reply to my post.

However, my problems with the church and Joseph Smith run far too deep and have done for some time. Nothing short of God coming down and telling me it's true would change my mind and we all know that wont happen.

I just cannot accept the evidence being the book itself. I just cant.

Sad, but the choices are all yours. Nobody is going to talk you into something different when you think that God OWES you a miracle.

[mike_uk]

Sad, but the choices are all yours. Nobody is going to talk you into something different when you think that God OWES you a miracle.

I never said God "OWES" me a miracle as you just stated.

Edit - Yea he owes me a miracle if thats how you want to put it. He never gave me that witness when I earnestly prayed to know and believe me, I have spent a long time enquiring. Why withhold the witness from me but freely give to millions of others? He still never gave me a witness when at the end of my teather after reading about early church history and watching everything fall apart around me. Watching my wife entering depression becasue if my dissafection, asking if the church was true after all. All I felt was emptiness. NOTHING. Yea he owes me alright. If the church and BoM are true then I excpect conformation.

Edited June 13, 2008 by mike_uk

[justamere10]

I never said God "OWES" me a miracle as you just stated.

Edit - Yea he owes me a miracle if thats how you want to put it. He never gave me that witness when I earnestly prayed to know and believe me, I have spent a long time enquiring. Why withhold the witness from me but freely give to millions of others? He still never gave me a witness when at the end of my teather after reading about early church history and watching everything fall apart around me. Watching my wife entering depression becasue if my dissafection, asking if the church was true after all. All I felt was emptiness. NOTHING. Yea he owes me alright. If the church and BoM are true then I excpect conformation.

Could God be waiting for you to humbly and sincerely kneel before Him and ask again? Could He be waiting for you to read and ponder the scriptures daily? Could He be waiting for you to be considerate of your wife whose heart you have apparently broken?

You believed once, why should today be any different?

So the testimony of your brothers and sisters to you is not of God, and perhaps His way of answering you then?

God often speaks through angels. Angels can be human beings with a message from God for someone else.

Are angels speaking to you on this board? Could your wife be an angel for you? Why do you expect God to respond to you YOUR way?

Edited June 13, 2008 by justamere10

[justamere10]

I never said God "OWES" me a miracle as you just stated.

Edit - Yea he owes me a miracle if thats how you want to put it. He never gave me that witness when I earnestly prayed to know and believe me, I have spent a long time enquiring. Why withhold the witness from me but freely give to millions of others? He still never gave me a witness when at the end of my teather after reading about early church history and watching everything fall apart around me. Watching my wife entering depression becasue if my dissafection, asking if the church was true after all. All I felt was emptiness. NOTHING. Yea he owes me alright. If the church and BoM are true then I excpect conformation.

I don't wish to offend you but I'm wondering if you could be in a state of depression yourself? My daughter-in-law went for three years in an unacknowledged state of depression caused by chemical balances or unblances in her physical body. When she looks back on it she realizes that she was blaming everyone else for problems she was creating herself. They were very hard times for my son and their children. Medical doctors had the solution all along...

You should not be experiencing emptiness and "NOTHING", that's not normal. Have you checked with a physician, counselor, bishop?

Edited June 13, 2008 by justamere10

[mike_uk]

Could God be waiting for you to humbly and sincerely kneel before Him and ask again? Could He be waiting for you to read and ponder the scriptures daily? Could He be waiting for you to be considerate of your wife whose heart you have apparently broken?

Did you not read what I wrote?

You believed once, why should today be any different?

I convinced myself it was true. It was exciting to be part of something differnet. If I knew back then what I know now I would have not gone anywhere near the church.

So the testimony of your brothers and sisters to you is not of God, and perhaps His way of answering you then?

No. Not acceptable at all. I can in no way live my life and sacrifice so much on the basis of a so called feeling.

God often speaks through angels. Angels can be human beings with a message from God for someone else.

Are angels speaking to you on this board? Could your wife be an angel for you? Why do you expect God to respond to you YOUR way?

No, you are not angels and neither is my wife.

[justamere10]

No, you are not angels and neither is my wife.

Ok, sorry, just concerned about you and your family. All the best, enjoy the day.

[mike_uk]

I don't wish to offend you but I'm wondering if you could be in a state of depression yourself? My daughter-in-law went for three years in an unacknowledged state of depression caused by chemical balances or unblances in her physical body. When she looks back on it she realizes that she was blaming everyone else for problems she was creating herself. They were very hard times for my son and their children. Medical doctors had the solution all along...

You should not be experiencing emptiness and "NOTHING", that's not normal. Have you checked with a physician, counselor, bishop?

Likewise, I dont want to offend and no I am not depressed. Very very angry yes but not depressed. I cannot pretend the things I know about Joseph Smith never happened. I cannot pretend that the historical, archaelogical, genetic, anthropology problems of the BoM are not presenet. I cannot pretend the he HPGL phones me up and tells me my salvation is in jeopardy and that I will soon be a lonely old man when my wife and children leave me and that becasue of my lack of gospel tuition in the home will result in my girls getting pregnant at a young age didnt happen. I cannot pretend that becasue of years of pretending and carrying a huge amount of buredon and guilt every single day of my membership resulted in 2 horrible stress related illness's which will most likely stay with me until I die didnt actually happen.

Yea, I have seen my GP many times, had many tests and all my problems are stress related. The church was the source of my stress. Many blessing told me I would be healed and I believed them I really did but that healing never came.

Oh and I see you are only trying to help and I take no offense.

[Misshalfway]

Well I can understand perhaps, mike, why you would be angry. Holier than thou anybodies are annoying not to mention hurtful. Too bad his(hpgl) approach couldn't have come with love and understanding instead of judgement and guilt. I suppose many of us have had similar experience. I have had blessings given and wondered why the results weren't as I expected. I have also experienced the opposite. I can't say that I understand all outcomes. But I can understand the confusion they may produce in someone's heart.

I am wondering why, though, you are allowing the stress of the church to disturb your peace. You don't have to take on the guilt, just because someone hands it to you. I say that, not because I am perfect at such an act, just that I know the principle to be true and quite liberating because you then act from a place of integrity. You participate in the church because that is what is right inside of you. Or don't, and that is what is right inside of you. Or you participate at the level at which you feel comfortable inside the beauty and individual pace of your own process. God allows and even encourages such process. There is much in the way of scriptural example and my own twists and turns with God that have taught me that.

I suppose my invitation is to get centered within yourself and get your actions and thoughts in congruency with that centered place and let the rest go. Anger is a valueable emotion. It gives us very important information if we have the courage to look at the emotions behind it. But too much anger for too long takes things from us like peace and health. The gospel of Jesus Christ.....the principles held in our beloved scriptures are not about this kind of unrest. (the also do not advocate phone calls from the HPGL telling you what he did, btw. Not a reflection of the gospel. Only a reflection of the man.) They invite us to live peacefully within. That is what forgiveness is about. It is also what revelation is all about. There is no need, whether you are LDS or not to battle over truth. God settles the matter with the H.G. and takes everything back to peace within.

Forgive, my interjections. Compost what doesn't fit. Best wishes to you and your family, Mike

[GoodK]

Some answers have come in all the forms you mentioned above. Typically it is a strong feeling of warmth and reassurance--a knowledge.

This is what it felt like for me.

[rameumptom]

I knew a member in the 1980s who wished he would get a confirmation from God on things. He believed he never had had a spiritual witness.

This guy told me that he wanted to be a farmer, but knew inside that God needed him to be a lawyer for some reason or other. Somehow, though, he did not realize that perhaps he had been moved upon by the Spirit. Otherwise, how would he have known to be a lawyer, rather than a farmer?

Sometimes God tells us, but we don't recognize the answer. Sometimes we are looking for a different answer, or to be answered differently than we are. When the answer comes, we don't realize it.

Then there's the guy who is stranded on his flooded house and prays to be rescued by a helicopter. A boat comes by and the guy says, "Never mind, Lord, I'll just grab a ride on this boat."

I do believe that emotional or mental stress can keep us from recognizing or feeling the Spirit work within us. Just like a drunk is immune to feeling the Spirit, so can a depressed or troubled mind also have difficulties hearing the Lord's voice at times. I think this is why so many depressed people stay depressed while pleading for God's help. He is trying to help them, but they cannot hear beyond their pain, and so oftentime their suffering continues, or even is increased, because now they feel they are not worthy to have God's solace. A sad Catch-22.

When you read the Book of Mormon, does it make sense? Does it seem to teach good and uplifting things? Does it encourage you to believe in Christ? If so, then embrace that much of it, until you do gain an actual testimony of it. Testimonies are rarely as dramatic as Paul's conversion. Most are quiet experiences.

Edited June 13, 2008 by rameumptom

[Hemidakota]

I never said God "OWES" me a miracle as you just stated.

Edit - Yea he owes me a miracle if thats how you want to put it. He never gave me that witness when I earnestly prayed to know and believe me, I have spent a long time enquiring. Why withhold the witness from me but freely give to millions of others? He still never gave me a witness when at the end of my teather after reading about early church history and watching everything fall apart around me. Watching my wife entering depression becasue if my dissafection, asking if the church was true after all. All I felt was emptiness. NOTHING. Yea he owes me alright. If the church and BoM are true then I excpect conformation.

I went through the same process and made necessary correction Mike to receive that witness. I was in the same boat as you. It took time but well worth it....

[mike_uk]

I knew a member in the 1980s who wished he would get a confirmation from God on things. He believed he never had had a spiritual witness.

This guy told me that he wanted to be a farmer, but knew inside that God needed him to be a lawyer for some reason or other. Somehow, though, he did not realize that perhaps he had been moved upon by the Spirit. Otherwise, how would he have known to be a lawyer, rather than a farmer?

Sometimes God tells us, but we don't recognize the answer. Sometimes we are looking for a different answer, or to be answered differently than we are. When the answer comes, we don't realize it.

Then there's the guy who is stranded on his flooded house and prays to be rescued by a helicopter. A boat comes by and the guy says, "Never mind, Lord, I'll just grab a ride on this boat."

I do believe that emotional or mental stress can keep us from recognizing or feeling the Spirit work within us. Just like a drunk is immune to feeling the Spirit, so can a depressed or troubled mind also have difficulties hearing the Lord's voice at times. I think this is why so many depressed people stay depressed while pleading for God's help. He is trying to help them, but they cannot hear beyond their pain, and so oftentime their suffering continues, or even is increased, because now they feel they are not worthy to have God's solace. A sad Catch-22.

When you read the Book of Mormon, does it make sense? Does it seem to teach good and uplifting things? Does it encourage you to believe in Christ? If so, then embrace that much of it, until you do gain an actual testimony of it. Testimonies are rarely as dramatic as Paul's conversion. Most are quiet experiences.

When i 1st started to earnestly enquire about the validity of th BoM, stress was not even a factor. THe burdons of trying to live a good life although hard I just accepted so I had a sound, calm mind back then. So that was not clouding ant kind of answer I can assure you.

As for what I feel when I do read it well, I dont feel anthing. Does it make sense? Got to be honest not a chance, how can it when it contains so many errors and incorrect statements? It just cannot be correct. Sorry, just being honest with you with my beliefs.

[Hemidakota]

Mike, thanks for being honest....something that others need to do themselves.

[KosherXMorg]

"errors and incorrect statements" ahahahahahahahahahahahahah

Edited June 13, 2008 by skalenfehl
site rule #3

[skalenfehl]

I knew a member in the 1980s who wished he would get a confirmation from God on things. He believed he never had had a spiritual witness.

This guy told me that he wanted to be a farmer, but knew inside that God needed him to be a lawyer for some reason or other. Somehow, though, he did not realize that perhaps he had been moved upon by the Spirit. Otherwise, how would he have known to be a lawyer, rather than a farmer?

Sometimes God tells us, but we don't recognize the answer. Sometimes we are looking for a different answer, or to be answered differently than we are. When the answer comes, we don't realize it.

This happened to me. At one point in my life I wanted that answer, that confirming burning in the bosom, but it didn't come and I wrestled with the Spirit for it. I almost broke. Another elder in the church helped me to realize that it would come. It wasn't until later that I realized I already knew it was true. Earlier in life, my faith had solidified into my action by serving a mission and as I bore a testimony of it, it was in the bearing of that testimony that came the confirmation, that burning in the bosom. It was not how I expected my answer to come, but it was a powerful witness. I just needed to know how to recognize it.

[mike_uk]

Mike, thanks for being honest....something that others need to do themselves.

Thank you, I was expecting to be flamed somewhat.

Most of you probably think to yourselves "why does this guy come here if he no longer believes" or something similar and I wouldnt blame you for thinking that. Maybe I should not post here.

But I do want to explain why I do com eif I may.

Firstly, the church has been a huge part of my life for the last 15 years. It was my life and it's something you cant just lock away and forget.

Second, my wife and 3 young kids aged 6,8 and 3 all attend their meetings. My wife is a dedicated member who does not ever miss her meetings, Sundays and midweek. She does everything expected of her. She is a good wife and mother even though she is hard on herself. She is strong and sees the good in the church which in some resepects I do also. So Im still interested in what members have to say etc.

Third, as a thanks to my wife I decided a few weeks ago I would attend once per month. Just to help her out with the kids. She appreciated that a lot as do the kids. It is also nice to catch up with old friends.

I do try and be considerate to your beliefs and respect them but my own beliefs are as real to me as yours are (everyone here). As I said to my wife last night. "If living this way makes you happy then more power to you". My beef has never been with the members and never will be. Most Mormons I know of are great, loving and thoughtful and are genuinely wanting to help me.

[justamere10]

Thank you, I was expecting to be flamed somewhat.

Most of you probably think to yourselves "why does this guy come here if he no longer believes" or something similar and I wouldnt blame you for thinking that. Maybe I should not post here.

But I do want to explain why I do com eif I may.

Firstly, the church has been a huge part of my life for the last 15 years. It was my life and it's something you cant just lock away and forget.

Second, my wife and 3 young kids aged 6,8 and 3 all attend their meetings. My wife is a dedicated member who does not ever miss her meetings, Sundays and midweek. She does everything expected of her. She is a good wife and mother even though she is hard on herself. She is strong and sees the good in the church which in some resepects I do also. So Im still interested in what members have to say etc.

Third, as a thanks to my wife I decided a few weeks ago I would attend once per month. Just to help her out with the kids. She appreciated that a lot as do the kids. It is also nice to catch up with old friends.

I do try and be considerate to your beliefs and respect them but my own beliefs are as real to me as yours are (everyone here). As I said to my wife last night. "If living this way makes you happy then more power to you". My beef has never been with the members and never will be. Most Mormons I know of are great, loving and thoughtful and are genuinely wanting to help me.

You are certainly an open person and I really respect that, thank-you so much for sharing what you're experiencing with us, I very much doubt that anyone here wants to put you down in any way.

You needn't answer this if it's a sensitive issue for you, I'm just curious if you have spent any amount of time reading or watching anti-Mormon media?

[mike_uk]

You are certainly an open person and I really respect that, thank-you so much for sharing what you're experiencing with us, I very much doubt that anyone here wants to put you down in any way.

You needn't answer this if it's a sensitive issue for you, I'm just curious if you have spent any amount of time reading or watching anti-Mormon media?

Thank you.

Whilst carrying out my research I have been very very careful where I have looked. Most of my concerns are located in old church history. Things that well know figures of the church have stated, early church newspaper articles etc and more specifiaclly what Joseph Smith did etc. I have also had the common sense to study and ponder the apologetic answers to my concers on FAIR etc. Some of the aplogetic stuff is ok and made me see some concerns in a new light but other stuff they come up with is just embarrassing for the writers and the church.

In all honesty, I have during my research come across anti mormon stuff and much of it is again plucked from church documntation so it's not reall "anti" but again much of it is just rediculous and laughable.

[justamere10]

Again, thank-you for your openness Mike, enjoy the weekend. And give your wife a hug. :-)

[justamere10]

Thank you, I was expecting to be flamed somewhat.

Most of you probably think to yourselves "why does this guy come here if he no longer believes" or something similar and I wouldnt blame you for thinking that. Maybe I should not post here.

But I do want to explain why I do com eif I may.

Firstly, the church has been a huge part of my life for the last 15 years. It was my life and it's something you cant just lock away and forget.

Second, my wife and 3 young kids aged 6,8 and 3 all attend their meetings. My wife is a dedicated member who does not ever miss her meetings, Sundays and midweek. She does everything expected of her. She is a good wife and mother even though she is hard on herself. She is strong and sees the good in the church which in some resepects I do also. So Im still interested in what members have to say etc.

Third, as a thanks to my wife I decided a few weeks ago I would attend once per month. Just to help her out with the kids. She appreciated that a lot as do the kids. It is also nice to catch up with old friends.

I do try and be considerate to your beliefs and respect them but my own beliefs are as real to me as yours are (everyone here). As I said to my wife last night. "If living this way makes you happy then more power to you". My beef has never been with the members and never will be. Most Mormons I know of are great, loving and thoughtful and are genuinely wanting to help me.

I'm sure you understand 'Lost Sheep Syndrome' but please don't take my musings too personally, though it was your situation that weighed heavily on my mind as I took an early morning walk on my mountain today.

I pondered what I could say to you and decided that it's not likely that anything anyone says in this medium would result in an about face for you, your mind seems firmly fixed on traveling another path. Hopefully you have thought it through carefully and that where you are headed is where you want to be when you get there.

I tried to place myself in similar shoes to those you are wearing, and to guess what I would do if they were the shoes I put on this morning before I went to walk.

I know that things were very different for everyone back in the early 1800's, so it's hard to make a valid judgment on the things people did and said in those days. But a few years after I was converted to the LDS faith, I read the entire set of the Documentary History of the Church. That was a long time ago, but I remember my impressions clearly.

I remember a whole lot of "Wows!" and excited announcements to my wife. I remember discovering that Joseph Smith was not the man I had imagined in my mind from what I'd learned in Sunday School and Priesthood lessons. And I remember being GLAD!

Joseph Smith truly was a man after my own heart, even though I knew he was God's chosen Prophet of the prophesied Dispensation of the Fulness of Times. Knowing that he was so human somehow brought me closer to the other prophets, and to a better understanding of why so often the words "fear" and "trembling" appear in close proximity in the scriptures.

Learning what I did about Joseph Smith being human was comforting in a way, hope enabling because I so often find that I too am "so human" and erring. In a dream I found myself sitting in a waiting room with two other men. We were waiting for an interview in an office with a closed door, each of us head bowed in contemplation. My thinking was that maybe this was my judgment day. I knew that I was imperfect, but I hoped that COMPARED TO the other men in the room, I hadn't done too badly.

I love the Book of Mormon. There may be faults in it, but if there are they are "the faults of men", men perhaps like me, "so human", maybe I'm not so bad after all.

I try to place myself in shoes that walk backwards from where I want to be right now, but as I approach I find only fear and trembling. I have not the courage to put them on. Not just yet anyway, I'll muse some more...

I love my wife. I love my children and my grandchildren. (My favorite word used to be "dad" but now it's "grandpa".) I don't want exaltation to rule over people, I want exaltation for the eternal increase part of it! I want to be a FATHER to even more of my own children. I want to be a husband who is capable of ALL his responsibilities, a perfect companion, a perfect lover. I want to go HOME and live forever with my Heavenly Father. I want to once again be in His presence talking with Him face to face, as I know I did before I came to this sometimes dark world of forgetting, confusion, trial, and seemingly endless endless testing.

It's hard, it's real hard, but I want to PASS my Second Estate!

I am AFRAID to put on those backwards facing shoes.

"But behold, and fear and tremble before God, for ye ought to tremble; for the Lord redeemeth none such that rebel against him and die in their sins; yea, even all those that have perished in their sins ever since the world began, that have wilfully rebelled against God, that have known the commandments of God, and would not keep them; these are they that have no part in the first resurrection." Mosiah 15:26

Mosiah 15

"Wherefore, verily I say, let the wicked take heed, and let the rebellious fear and tremble; and let the unbelieving hold their lips, for the day of wrath shall come upon them as a whirlwind, and all flesh shall KNOW that I am God." D&C 63:6

Doctrine and Covenants 63

If I did have the courage to put on those backwards facing shoes where would I go?

I'm a religious man, what other church could I go to?

In a meeting inside a temple on the other side of the world I was with a group of senior missionaries, some of us bearing our testimonies. I don't remember the context, but I remember saying:

"Where else would I go? This Church has the Words of Eternal Life."

I can't put on those backwards facing shoes because I know it would hurt my Savior, maybe cause to fall from Him another drop of that precious redeeming blood He shed for me, even me, me "so human".

I can't put on those backwards facing shoes because my wife's righteous and another man would surely walk away with my Sweetheart, and my precious children, forever.

Where would I go then to find happiness with my pretty backwards facing shoes?

Regardless of all the arm of flesh learning in the world, the contradictions, the faults, the doubts, the "help thou mine unbeliefs", I just CANNOT put on those shoes...