AliciaB Posted July 10, 2008 Report Share Posted July 10, 2008 So I have been a member for almost 2 weeks now and I am been tested to my limits! heres the situation, i'd be greatful for any help and guidence. I have a friend who is a non member of the church and, well, she has done some pretty evil things that I can not condone. The first been sleeping with another man other than her husband...I thought that was bad enough, but then it turns out she is now pregnant. Then if it couldn't get any worse she wants to have an abortion, this is where is gets difficult for me. She knows I do not agree with abortion, but she still needs my support and friendship and I refuse to turn my back on her when she really needs a friend. I will listen to her, give her hugs and be a loyal friend, but the she asked me to go with her for the abortion! I told her that I didn't think that would be good for me, I don't know about you but that is almost like saying I agree with it and I'd feel like I was encouraging her. Then she asked if I could look after her two young children while she went for the abortion, again I don't know if thats the right thing to do? she needs my help, but it's help so she can abort a pregnancy...isn't that like asisting in it? If I look after her children then I make it easier for her to go through with it. I'm feeling really torn about it. I have prayed about it and the feelings I am getting from the spirit are not good...it's almost like it's telling me not to get involved, to stay out of it! But she is my best friend, then again, I have to look her husband in the face and know what she is doing! then when it is done, i have to know she has done it and pretend it never happend! isn't that like lying? Please help me. Also sorry for posting so many threads asking questions this past 2 weeks. Alicia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WANDERER Posted July 10, 2008 Report Share Posted July 10, 2008 Say no. She'll find someone else. They always do. I had a friend who had three..two while I knew her (ugh, no responsibility)....happy to help her out and be a friend to lean on..but no direct involvement in that decision: no transport and no helping her out on the day. I got asked for advice: should I do it? I said this is not my decision. Of course the confidentiality issue... is so hard to deal with..because it upset me and I couldn't talk about it and definitely not to her or anyone else ... and it just is rather taxing to be that person for them. Sorry, but...it's a pattern thing...you're there to support them and keep the secrets of all the stuff that they don't want anyone to know...but they tell you, because the people that they truly value (parents, boyfriends, relations and all the others that are close friends if not closer friends) must not know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FunkyTown Posted July 10, 2008 Report Share Posted July 10, 2008 I have to disagree with Wanderer. Taking care of her children for her is a favor to the children and not a way of condoning abortion. This is a way to show love. Also, remember that as a new convert it's easy to feel the fire of conviction. That's a good thing, but one of the most important things to feel is compassion for another human being. We've all sinned and the only thing we can do is love one another despite that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Username-Removed Posted July 10, 2008 Report Share Posted July 10, 2008 So I have been a member for almost 2 weeks now and I am been tested to my limits! heres the situation, i'd be greatful for any help and guidence. I have a friend who is a non member of the church and, well, she has done some pretty evil things that I can not condone. The first been sleeping with another man other than her husband...I thought that was bad enough, but then it turns out she is now pregnant. Then if it couldn't get any worse she wants to have an abortion, this is where is gets difficult for me. She knows I do not agree with abortion, but she still needs my support and friendship and I refuse to turn my back on her when she really needs a friend. I will listen to her, give her hugs and be a loyal friend, but the she asked me to go with her for the abortion! I told her that I didn't think that would be good for me, I don't know about you but that is almost like saying I agree with it and I'd feel like I was encouraging her. Then she asked if I could look after her two young children while she went for the abortion, again I don't know if thats the right thing to do? she needs my help, but it's help so she can abort a pregnancy...isn't that like asisting in it? If I look after her children then I make it easier for her to go through with it. I'm feeling really torn about it. I have prayed about it and the feelings I am getting from the spirit are not good...it's almost like it's telling me not to get involved, to stay out of it! But she is my best friend, then again, I have to look her husband in the face and know what she is doing! then when it is done, i have to know she has done it and pretend it never happend! isn't that like lying?Please help me. Also sorry for posting so many threads asking questions this past 2 weeks. Alicia Alicia,There is always a balance between Christian compassion, and protecting yourself. If you feel that your support is putting you into a position where you are comprimising your OWN spritual beliefs, then you need to stop.Ensign Magazine - November 2007 - Today is the Time"the Savior gave us a key which will help us better prepare today for the coming vicissitudes. He said, “Therefore, if thy hand offend thee, cut it off; or if thy brother offend thee and confess not and forsake not, he shall be cut off” (Joseph Smith Translation, Mark 9:40). Fortunately, the Savior Himself taught the meaning of cutting off our hand. It’s not about self-mutilation but rather about removing from our lives today those influences that keep us from preparing for tomorrow’s earthquakes. If I have friends who are bad influences for me, the advice is clear: “It is better for thee to enter into life without thy brother, than for thee and thy brother to be cast into hell” (Joseph Smith Translation, Mark 9:41). The Lord applied this same principle when warning Nephi to depart from his brethren who became a dangerous influence (see 2 Nephi 5:5). It follows that such cutting off refers not only to friends but to every bad influence, such as inappropriate television shows, Internet sites, movies, literature, games, or music. Engraving in our souls this principle will help us to resist the temptation to yield to any bad influence. "However, that being said, compassion to those in need is also a very prominent message in this article. Often we put ourselves in physical danger to help others. This is true with disasters such as earthquakes, wildfires etc. But we must never put ourselves in spiritual danger. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WANDERER Posted July 10, 2008 Report Share Posted July 10, 2008 Ah, actually Funkytown, perhaps I DO need to be reminded that saying no is not exactly the Christian thing to do. I wore thin on the whole situation of never saying no...but it would seem that I need to resolve a few issues of my own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prospectmom Posted July 10, 2008 Report Share Posted July 10, 2008 Wanderer and Word you both are right and I don't think either is a bad choice just different. It is a difficult decision.............. no clear answer......... Is there any way of talking her out of the abortion??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NeuroTypical Posted July 10, 2008 Report Share Posted July 10, 2008 Apply the golden rule. If you were cheating on your husband, got pregnant, and wanted an abortion, what do you wish your best friend would say to you? Figure that out, and go say it to her. LM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AliciaB Posted July 10, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 10, 2008 I haven't tried as such to talk her out of it, I asked her if there was any chance that it could be her husbands baby, she said there was but it didn't matter because she isn't ready for another baby and she didn't want to take the risk of it not been his and him finding out! I was going to explain other options with her today like adoption, but it wasn't the right time as her husband has found out about the affair and is all set for ending their marriage...he still doesn't know there is a baby in this terrible situation as well...I did tell her to be completely honest with him though and tell him everything and then decide what she is going to do. I know there will be a lovely couple who could love this baby if she doesn't want to. I just don't know how to bring it up with her. Thankyou for your replies, my main concern now is her children I just pray that they will be ok and that my friend wont fall apart and be unable to be a propper mum, if you get me. Obviously I am so sorry for her husband and although I am loyal to my friend my sympathy is with him right now, he didn't see this comming or deserve it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prospectmom Posted July 10, 2008 Report Share Posted July 10, 2008 Wow ............ Hard choices and I wish you the best in making them Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bytor2112 Posted July 10, 2008 Report Share Posted July 10, 2008 Sounds like your friend not only doesn't have any respect for her husband, herself, her children, the sanctity of life and God, but she doesn't have any respect for you either.Sadly, I think that we sometimes have to divorce ourselves from our past.... friends included. This is not just my opinion, but the opinion of General Authorities as well. Not an easy decision to be sure, but be true to your standards and tell her no and tell her why and then move on. Pray for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MorningStar Posted July 10, 2008 Report Share Posted July 10, 2008 To help her is to enable her. How deep is she going to dig her hole? What if she got an STD and needed help hiding that from her husband? If it were me, I would encourage her to go to counseling and tell her husband the truth. I don't believe being compassionate involves helping a person make a horrible mistake. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PapilioMemnon Posted July 10, 2008 Report Share Posted July 10, 2008 (edited) Hello,I have learned the meaning of the word friendship, and by no means it involves putting my friends into supporting me to do something agains their beliefs and hide things that are obviously wrong; if they weren't, she wouldn't have to feel she needs to hide them.I do echo and agree that the Gospel of Jesus Christ will cause division in families, friendships, etc. if the person lives the teachings/commandments, and is not "diplomatic' about the teachings of the Gospel. You don't have anything to do with her decision; we can be compassionate without supporting obvious wrong things people decide to do.Compassion & love has nothing to do with condoning/supporting actions of others when they are wrong actions; compassion is feeling in yourself the trouble the other person put themselves into, or will put themselves into, their suffering, lack of understanding, etc... but not holding their hand and helping them to do what you know to be wrong in the sight of God. She doesn't know or believe, but you do as I do!Pray & ponder... study the scriptures, ask the Lord to answer you and help you understand these things; He will answer you! Edited July 10, 2008 by PapilioMemnon Typos Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AliciaB Posted July 10, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 10, 2008 I do believe her husband needs to know the complete truth, she owes him that much. I don't think it will make much difference to him leaving her, but at least there wont be any lies to come out in the future. Do I tell her in a nice way that she has done a terrible thing that has ended with some even worse situations, and that she is the only person that can try to salvage somthing out of this mess? I have already told her she needs to be strong and pull her self together for her children and decide what she is going to do now. This isn't going to sound very nice, and may make me a bit of a nasty person and a not so good friend...but how could an affair ever end well? and then when it does all go bad, how can you expect people to be compasionate with you? thats what I am finding hard, she has spent the most of today crying and begging her husband not to leave her, telling him that she loves him and he is her world. Yet she was the one who did this evil thing, she made the choice to have relations with someone other than her husband and now she wants the sympathy because he can't bear to be with her anymore. The end of a marriage is sad I'm sure, but when she first told me about this other man, I told her don't go there, it will only end in disaster...and it has and she is struggling with the consequenses and I feel awful because although I hate what she has done and she knows it, but I can't be of any help to her apart from listening. Sorry if i am rambling, but i really don't feel good with this situation and don't know who to talk to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PapilioMemnon Posted July 10, 2008 Report Share Posted July 10, 2008 If I consider someone my friend, I would tell her what I think and feel especially if she/he came to me to ask for help.I'd also tell that two wrongs don't make it right; she needs to take responsibility; however, telling the husband should be something she needs to do herself, I believe. I would always try to direct that to herself, but whether she would do herself or not, I wouldn't do or say anything to him of myself...If he asked me.... I would press her to tell him herself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prospectmom Posted July 10, 2008 Report Share Posted July 10, 2008 You have to be honest with her that is a true friend..... Say it with love and concern... she may be mad but she will in the end understand.......... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AliciaB Posted July 10, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 10, 2008 Apply the golden rule. If you were cheating on your husband, got pregnant, and wanted an abortion, what do you wish your best friend would say to you?Figure that out, and go say it to her.LMI would hope she would tell me to have a bit more respect and ask me to be honest with myself and my husband no matter how hard it was. To tell the truth, get it all out. That even though he may not forgive me I should ask him to anyway. Then I would hope she would talk me into keeping the baby, that if I felt that I couldn't cope with a baby right now as well as 2 toddlers I have other options that are much better than abortion. The pregnancy may be tough, but I would gain more respect from her by not just "getting rid" of a mistake but dealing with it. That by having an abortion I am making another mistake. Then I would hope she would say that she will be here to listen to me and be a shoulder to cry on. Ask me that I will learn from this mistake and believe her when she tells me the law of chastity is there to protect me, that there is a good reason for living by this law.Could I say all that to her though without upsetting her more? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prospectmom Posted July 10, 2008 Report Share Posted July 10, 2008 Could I say all that to her though without upsetting her more?Probably not but sometimes it just has to be done Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AliciaB Posted July 10, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 10, 2008 Right, well thats what I will do then. I will tell her the things above and hope that she understands that sometimes as a friend we can't cover the truth in cotton wool. This is not a "does my bum look big in this" situation. It's much worse and she needs some honest guidence. Thankyou all very much for the advice I don't think I can thank you enough. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prospectmom Posted July 10, 2008 Report Share Posted July 10, 2008 Remember all our prayers and support are with you .... hugging you ...... holding you up to strengthen you to do the right thing... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PapilioMemnon Posted July 10, 2008 Report Share Posted July 10, 2008 (edited) Could I say all that to her though without upsetting her more?Probably not but sometimes it just has to be doneTo me, if she/he came to ask me for help, and is a friend, and she/he considers me a friend, I'd tell whether or not she/he liked to hear the truth.She's asking for your support... you said she's your best friend... she should consider you also the same way... Why couldn't you tell her that? She's upset because wickedness is never happiness... She's feeling the consequences of her choices; it's hard, really hard; however, cutting off the life of a child in its development won't make it better; it'll just add much more pain to her condition. Telling her is compassion; warning her that she'll suffer much more is compassion & pure love!I would tell him/her, and let them make up their mind aobut it; I would not be repeating it over and over (It's not of me to do that), I dislike nagging... Edited July 10, 2008 by PapilioMemnon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PapilioMemnon Posted July 10, 2008 Report Share Posted July 10, 2008 (edited) I just would like to quickly say something... When you hear advice and teachings... please check with your beliefs, ponder them, and make a decision, and take it to the Lord,... and let HIM confirm to you that the course of action you chose to follow iS right! Be well, and wish you the best! Edited July 10, 2008 by PapilioMemnon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prospectmom Posted July 10, 2008 Report Share Posted July 10, 2008 You are right Pap say it once............ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Username-Removed Posted July 10, 2008 Report Share Posted July 10, 2008 I just would like to quickly say something...When you hear advice and teachings... please check with your beliefs, ponder them, and make a decision, and take it to the Lord,... and let HIM confirm to you that the course of action you chose to follow it right!Be well, and wish you the best! True that. We dont see the whole picture. Just advice to factor into your own ideas, own thinking, then take it to the Lord. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MorningStar Posted July 10, 2008 Report Share Posted July 10, 2008 She has to deal with the consequences of her actions and that includes people being disappointed in her or angry. She shouldn't be selfishly asking you to participate in something that goes against your morals and if it makes her sad that you won't help, that's too bad. How will she learn from her mistakes if she doesn't have the consequences? There are parents who don't like to discipline but want to be their kid's best friend instead, but it doesn't do their child any favors and neither does helping a friend escape the consequences of their own actions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FayetteIA Posted July 10, 2008 Report Share Posted July 10, 2008 It seems to me you have received your answer when you say you pray about it and the uncomfortable feelings come along with the strong impression to tell her "No" I think you are on the right track. Anytime you feel so torn about a decision, it is always safest to go with the impressions received from prayer. many times we are torn because of our relationships. It is hard to tell the difference between emotional ties and the Holy Ghost telling us what is best for us. Sometimes when I am unsure, as with our grown children, I will pray about it and then report again to Heavenly Father, "This is what I felt impressed to do..in (whatever situation) If I am right please help me proceed, if I am wrong please tell me in an unmistakably clear way so I do not err. (Now, a bit of warning here, on my "Unmistakably Clear" phrase..BE CAREFUL..the Lord will do as you ask, for me. I need the clarity, for others it might be a bit of a culture shock? LOL The adversary is going to test you in big and small ways to bring you off the narrow path. Don't allow it to happen. You may want to go to the Church web site and read everything you can find where our leaders have talked about abortion BEFORE you make a commitment to your friend. Arm yourself with the counsel of our leaders..then you will feel stronger. My advice: Run like the wind was on your tail...Do not involve yourself..even a little in supporting your friends decision. Joni Joni Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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