Serious problem with in-laws........any advice?

[Angelkajm]

My in-laws are not LDS and have made it clear that they don't believe and that they are bitter towards most because they feel like they are better than them. I only write that to give you a little background. Here is the first of my story.............my sister inlaw moved into our basement 2 months ago with her son. The arrangement was for her to pay 250 month and that would include all utilities, food, etc. This would save her money and allow her to get back on her own with out putting us under financially. Well the first month we had to remind her to pay and this month was another story........... Last week I gently reminded her and she said that she needed some time because she had just changed jobs and hadn't received her deposit back yet so I told her that would be fine to take some time and she told me she would have it by Friday (this friday). Well Friday came and went, no word from her and then saturday she got up in the morning, she hurried out of the house and never came back. So today we sent her a text saying "rent is due". She FLIPPED out on us! Seriously she packed up all of her stuff, took her son and called my father inlaw to come bring her money because she didn't have it again. That is not what we wanted! We simply would have been fine is she called us on Friday and told us what was up instead of trying to avoid us like she admitted she was doing. I didn't want her to move here in the first place because I knew something like this would happen. Well today ended up being a bash on me day. Apparently this is all my fault, I say horrible things, I do horrible things and again it is all being put on my shoulders as if I was the only one in this whole fight. So I came home to my father inlaw in my kitchen with a wad of cash and I looked at him and told him that I would not take the money. He looked at me with the horrible look in his eyes and said to me "you got your money, keep it" he would not say another word to me and then walked out the door. I feel HORRIBLE because she came up the stairs two second later and said to her, "are you seriously going to storm off? You are acting rediculous and I am not doing this today. You need to grow up and deal with your responsibilities." Then my daughter went to talk to her and told her to not talk to her because she was being rediculous. I FEEL HORRIBLE!!! I said these horrible things out of anger and never should have. I did send her a message on her phone because she would not answer. I simply told her I was sorry for saying the horrible things I said and I am sorry if I ever made her feel unwelcome and I told her I talked to my daughter about the horrible things I said so she doesn't feel like I hate her also. I just don't know what to do. No one in my family is talking to me as if this is entirely my fault and I am so upset and sad about it that I had to get into forum to vent because my husband is not supporting me on this either. I feel all alone! How do I fix this?

[Misshalfway]

There are always so many feelings with these family things and they run awfully deep! And then you add money and personal responsibility to the mix! Well, it sounds simply awful and I am so sorry. I don't know what I would do. Not sure why your H isn't supporting you. Didn't he want the rent paid on time too?

I wonder if everybody just needs a little time to let the dust settle. I think you did the right thing. You kept your expectations clear, and you apologized for the part you felt you playing in the conflict. But, you know, just because you lost your head for a minute doesn't change the fact that you had a business agreement with this girl and she failed to meet her side of it. I don't know. At this point, she is not living with you, right? So maybe at least that part of the problem with take care of itself. Seems to me your H needs to step up here and help negotiate some calmer solutions.

[MorningStar]

She needs to be an adult and at least admit when she doesn't have the money and should've been honest in the first place that she probably wouldn't be paying you for a while. My cousin was resentful when she wanted to stay with my parents and they asked for payment - not a lot, but enough to cover the extra utilities being used, long distance, food, etc. She was still able to save a lot of money that way.

I think when dealing with in-laws, it's best for the spouse to handle them because they're more likely to forgive if something goes wrong. What does your husband say about the whole thing?

[Kirajo]

She needed to pay rent. Straight up. I don't care if you were mean about it, that was the agreement. She's just mad cause she's wrong. Don't back down. You were right for apologizing in losing your temper but seriously just stick to the fact that you were right in asking for the money. If she doesn't like that, good luck to her finding somewhere that will reason with her better than you did.

[BenRaines]

Where is the man in this situation who is supposed to wear the pants in the family, be the priesthood leader and who is the enabler to his sister?

Freeloaders need to learn, pay or move on.

How old is everyone in this situation?

Ben Raines

[breeb]

First of all, my heart goes out to you. My brother is exactly the same way. We took him in and he broke all the rules (having girls over and drinking alcohol) and wouldnt pay the $200 in rent. I had to kick him out. I'm not saying you should kick her out, but she needs to learn to take responsibility. Otherwise what is she teaching her son? She can't just coast threw life. It'll only get her so far. Your in-laws will have to come to grips with that some day. Otherwise they will never be able to help her. My mom struggles with that daily. He always needs money, but she can't keep giving it to him. We are all scared he'll end up on the streets. You can't even imagine how scared I am for my brother, and he doesnt have any kids. I cant even begin to tell you how worried I'd be if he were responsible for taking care of a child knowing he can't take care of himself.

[WANDERER]

Perhaps what they really need is to help you. Can you approach the mum over a cup of coffee and talk about the mess of things you've made and ask her what to do? I don't think they quite view their children as 'adults'and this is creating all sorts of friction.

You can either embrace the positives of the situation or struggle with the negatives. The positives are that your in-laws may be good support (even if via your hubby and daughter) when things are not so good; the negatives are they are going to bristle like porcupines whenever they feel their self-esteem is under threat.

[miztrniceguy]

what Ben said.

[Angelkajm]

So she had my father in law pay the rent for the month. I almost feel like I can not take the money? How should I handle that and be fair?

[Angelkajm]

Also, she is 26 years old and everyone in the situation is over 25! My husband is broken over this as well. I struggle with the way he handles hard situations, he just shuts down so really he is no help in this situation. I thought everything was going to be okay................................

[Misshalfway]

So she had my father in law pay the rent for the month. I almost feel like I can not take the money? How should I handle that and be fair?

Well, my take on this is that it isn't your business where she gets the money to pay you. Maybe that sounds rough but she is making sure you get paid. If I do business with someone and they pay me, I don't ask them where they got the money or demand that they only pay me with money they earned themselves. You only have grounds to ask for the honoring of your contract with the girl and beyond that you should stay out of it. What your FIL chooses to do with his daughter is up to him whether you agree with it or not. You can't make her responsible and you can make this father stop enabling.

So, if it were me. I would take the money graciously and extract myself from the rest of the drama. And then take steps not to do business with this young lady again.

[StrawberryFields]

The bigger question here is why your in laws don't just take them in.

Take the money like Misshalfway said. If this girl can't afford the rent maybe you can change the contract to cover just the roof over her head and let her deal with the food etc. Maybe she would be up to earning the roof over her head in other ways like housekeeping or yard work. :)

Another thing that occurred to me is the way they were brought up... If she gets away with a free ride by manipulation and your hubby backs down quickly maybe you can see why they behave this way by looking back into their childhoods.

We did have my brother in law live with us for a time but he paid rent and was responsible for his own 'supplies'. He always paid the rent.

[NeuroTypical]

How do I fix this?

First and foremost - be very careful what you mean by "this". You can't stop your sister in law from flying into fits of melodrama. You can't fix that. You can't make her financially mature. You probably can't get her to pay on time. None of that is within your control.

By having her in your house, you are basically saying "I accept the fact that a bunch of flipping out melodrama will be a part of my life whenever I push for rent."

As for your relationship with your inlaws in general, well, that's up to your husband and you to figure out. At the end of the day, they have exactly, precicely the amount of contact and influence in your lives as you allow them. Sounds like your husband is having a hard time figuring out that he needs to be a husband first and a brother second. You're kind of stuck there too - you can't fix that either.

You are responsible for your own reactions - be they outbursts or crying or screaming or yelling at your husband to do something, or whatever they are. If you are acting in ways you don't like, that's a valid thing to fix.

I suppose you could stop pushing for rent, and take a back seat whenever your interests conflict with your in-laws. I wouldn't advise it, but I guess it's one way to have less melodrama.

LM

Edited July 14, 2008 by Loudmouth_Mormon

[Angelkajm]

Thanks! This is why I ask. It is nice to sit back and let someone else who doesn't have so many emotions in the situation give advice! I think I have just decided that obviously she will not be changing, I can't make her do that and I need to accept the fact that we are all people and things happen, we make mistakes. I don't think it is healthy for us to be under the same roof because not only does it cause tension with me and her, but also my husband and I and I want to avoid tension with him at all costs. We have a great relationship and I want to continue that. I think the best thing to do is let her finish out the month and kindly ask her to move on. Obviously it will be done in the best way I can to avoid the drama. I know I have something to learn from this so I will continue to have a better outlook on the situation and move on. Only thing I can do at this point right? I prayed about it and I realized that by having her there we have changed some of our family things. We don't pray together as a family so that we might not hurt her feelings, we don't pray at meals and we stopped having family home evening. I know that we all have seen how it is changing us and I would like to get back on track! No more being worried about her and her feelings and just make sure I am taking care of my family the best way possible! Thanks again to EVERYONE!!!

[Misshalfway]

As you move forward doing the best things for you and yours, it may just turn into something that is good for her. It might just be the best gift to NOT to be available to save her. Hopefully she will quit looking to everyone else to carry her, and grow up a little bit.

:) Sounds like more peace is headed your way!