Am I A Jerk

[helgaboy]

okay I need some advice and need to know if I am a jerk or not. here is the situation. there is a girl who is actively pursueing me for marriage . To top it my family all think I should marry her but they don't see a side of her that I do. I do not say anything her to make her sound like a bad person just kind of my reasoning for not wanting to get involved with her. She is a VERY controlling person, if you do not do what she wants you to do she makes you feel like you have wronged her and then you pay!!!!! Her mother is very much the same way she likes to stick her nose in where it does not belong and is very bossy towards her son in law and daughter in law and in fact told them before they got married to her son/daughter that they better not cross her or they would have her wrath!!!!! Now I am almost a polar opposite I do not boss anyone around and HATE being bossed if someone trys to control or boss me I do the opposite just to spite them (yes its bad I know). Now what I see if the two of us were to get together is lots of fighting and not getting along and I would have rifts with her family so I belive it is best for us just to be friends and I have told her this several times and each time I know it hurts her which I do not want to do. I would rather just hurt her slightly now than fight with her while married. so am I a jerk or would we be best as just friends???????

[Franken]

You jerk, how could you say that to her??

lol, jk, I totally agree with you, I hate bossy people, in fact, the last person that I went out with was a VERY VERY controlling person, I couldn't take it. It just aint worth it, and I mean heck, I tried just bein friends with her a long time ago, but she couldn't even respect me as just a friend, so now I just don't talk to her anymore, I mean what else do you do?

[iamalighthouse]

I don't think you're a jerk.

Your parents don't understand your feelings even though they may want to help their decision may not always be the best.

I don't think you would hurt their feelings very much if you told them why you don't want to marry her.

[kroboz]

Let's face it- if you marry this person in the Temple, you're stuck forever. I know I'm being lighthearted about this, but at the same time, it's something to consider. Pray about it, fast about it, this is something big. Bigger than what kind of car you should buy. Talk to your Bishop, too. They seem to have good advice.

[Lindy]

If she thinks you are a jerk for not wanting to get married....then be a jerk! :)

I think you would rather be a "jerk" for a couple of weeks, while she gets it out of her system, then you would be "miserable" for the rest of your life. If you see your lives together as nothing but fighting and bickering......let it go FAST!

If you don't love the girl dispite her controlling personality, then don't get in so deep that you find it hard to get out.

This is from a mother's and a female point of view.

Nothing worse than to see your son (or daughter) pair up with someone who makes them miserable. You need to have an honest talk with your parents, don't try to spare their feelings....this is YOUR life you are talking about here. They will understand more than you think (I hope) and if they don't understand... Tough....somewhere down the line, they will understand when they see the side of her (that you told them about) as it applys to some other poor sap she ropes in. That's when you hear...."I am so glad that you knew when to get out of that relationship......I still feel sorry for the poor guy she married"

Hold yourself in reserve until you find someone you are comfortable with, who you adore, and want to spend the rest of your life with.....don't settle for someone just because your parents like her. Not a good life for you.

They have a problem with it? Send em to this board! :)

[Guest estump]

Agreed w/ the points posted. Don't marry who you don't want to marry. It's as simple as that. It's far better to get divorced before you get married!!! Being in an unhappy marriage is one of the worst things you could do to yourself. Hold out for the girl who makes you smile inside and out.

[Nina]

Amen !!! Your not being a jerk but if you still think you are then I say, "keep it up!" ... better a jerk today then miserable in eternity !!!

[Guest curvette]

You may be a jerk, but she's a control freak jerk and you're a smart jerk for recognizing that. Gone are the days when parents arrange marriages for their children. I'd advise you to just break it off completely. Don't even continue the friendship because she'll try to manipulate you back into romance and then you may give in.

[Matt]

Here is my advice, for what it's worth: ahem! "RUN! RUN AWAY FROM HER! SAVE YOURSELF FROM 30 OR MORE YEARS OF MISSERY!!!!

It's safer, believe me... :)

[Lindy]

Well, there you go helgaboy...some real good advice from level minded posters (if I might add that :) )

[nickleboyblue]

I had a similar experience. A girl wanted to seriously date me. Before my mission, I always got the same answer from God when I prayed, and that was always a big fat NO. When I prayed about this girl, I got a different answer. God said, "Sure, go for it, if that's what you like..." So I was forced to look at myself and see if I liked this girl. It took all of about two seconds to find out that I honestly couldn't say that I did, so I cut it off right there. She came back to me asking me to reconsider, but I told her straight up, God gave me the choice, and I choose to wait for a girl who I could share a deep and abiding mutual love with. I have now met another girl who I will marry one day if everything works out in the end. I feel no real fear for this because God told me straight up to go for it as soon as I found a girl I could honestly say I liked. Seriously, this is eternity, and you're going to have to step on some feet to get the one you want. Don't worry about hurting feelings so much, because there's really no other way for it to happen.

[Seanette]

I'd say if you don't see yourself being happily married to this woman, DO NOT marry her just to please other people who aren't going to be living with the results of that decision.

[Guest Alana]

The question isn't if you're a jerk, it's if you're an idiot:)

Let me be a little harsh and rehash the story for you.

There is this girl that I kind of like, but she kind of annoys me and I can't stand her mother. If we're married we'll probably be miserable and really aren't a good match at all. Should we get married because I'm too much of a wuss to say 'no thank you' or should I just stop the insanity so we can both move on with my lives even if it makes for an awkward 5 minute conversation?

[NeuroTypical]

She is a VERY controlling person, if you do not do what she wants you to do she makes you feel like you have wronged her and then you pay!!!!! Her mother is very much the same way she likes to stick her nose in where it does not belong and is very bossy towards her son in law and daughter in law and in fact told them before they got married to her son/daughter that they better not cross her or they would have her wrath!!!!!

I suppose very controlling people can get along fine in an eternal marriage with someone who doesn't mind being eternally controlled. Doesn't sound like you, though.

Something to think about - if you marry this girl, her mother will be forcing you to raise your kids her way. You will not agree quite often. Do you really want to bring little people into this world just so they can be used as pawns in a vicious tug-of war between you and your mother-in-law? Keep in mind - it doesn't matter how much your wife gets upset with her own mother - unless she's willing to cut ties and move away, your mother-in-law will be very much an authoritative presence in your lives.

Choose wisely. Wise is brain - not love, not feelings.

LM

[beefche]

The OP is from 5 years ago--I'm guessing the dude made his decision by now.

[Dr T]

I saw that too Beefche and thought the same things. :)

[pam]

Closed