Please give me your thoughts on what I should do.

[deadinside]

Where to start? I have been married over 10 years and have 4 children under 10 years of age. We've had a good marriage. We are good with money and live well within our means. My wife is a stay at home mom and hasn't worked since we had our first child. We were sealed in the temple a year after we got married. We both have been raised in the church. I semi served a mission, but not honorably. I struggled for a few years, but came back and have been a good husband and loyal. Obviously never cheated. I live close to church and usually only go to sacrament meeting, but everyone else stays the whole time. Sometimes I do, but only if I'm with my wife in sunday school or in nursery with my kid. I get nothing from church and have not said anything. I don't really have a testimony anymore, but I'm not saying it's not true. Just no desire to go or believe. Almost enough back ground. More later.

My wife is great. She has a strong testimony and lives the gospel. She is a great mom and wife. She has done nothing wrong. Just so that's clear. She deserves to be loved like she thinks she is. I'm an emotional amoeba. I love my wife, but I'm not in love with my wife. I was engaged before and broke it off. Then just a month or so later met my wife. I was in love with that girl and have been heart broken ever since even though I broke it off. I thought it was for the best as I was trying to get back into good standings with the church and she was not. Rarely do I dream about girls, but it's ALWAYS her. It's been 11 years and I still can't seem to get over her. I think I want what I thought I had with her, but didn't. I have only cried once since I met my wife and it was when I thought something had happened with one of our children. That was over 6 years ago so you can tell I'm not very emotionally there.

What should I do? She deserves better than this. Should I continue to just live the lie and protect her from the truth? Should I try and tell her and hope it doesn't ruin our marriage? I was caught in a lie recently over something silly and my wife found out and was obviously hurt that I would lie to her for no apparent reason and asked me to never lie to her again. Will the truth do anyone any good? And yes this would be one of those totally blind sided conversations that they don't see coming and rips her world apart I think. I'm torn. Suggestions? What if it were you?

[jimuk]

Hi and i am so sorry to hear of your obvious turmoil and it is a turmoil. If you tell the truth this will help with your salvation, (not meant to be selfish action) deceit is not a good thing, and if you do tell the truth, your wife is going to be devastated. If you live the lie it would not be fare to either of you, you both need to be able to move on with your lives. Then there are the children, they are the most innocent in all this and who will suffer in the end no matter what you choose to do.

I do not have the answers but i can tell that you are desperately seeking advise, and you are truly concerned about your wife and children whom you DO love dearly, we all sin and your sin is affecting your family.

You will never feel better in my honest opinion until you can relieve your spirit of this Heavy burden, it will eat away at you which will affect you as the patriarch of the family unit.

Your wife loves you (from your description of her) so i am sure that she will forgive you if given the chance, and then you need to work at showing her all the love possible so she can herself feel free of the thoughts of where hers and the childrens life could have ended up, she could have ended up in conflict with heavenly father and blamed him for deserting her, (it does happen) and they fall away from the church and friends they have held so near to their hearts.

This is more about the effects on the family unit than how bad you feel, so please please come clean or you " will " indeed witness your family unit falling apart before your very eyes.

Hope anything i have said doesent seem to harsh, it is not meant to be, but it needs addressing and sooner rather than later.

If your efforts fail then the last thing open to you would be to seek advise and counsel of your bishop.

I do wish you all the best for you and your family.

[FunkyTown]

Jim is completely and totally wrong on this. You met a girl and -you- broke it off with -her-? And you want to tell your wife that the last decade of marriage has been a lie?

It hasn't been a lie. You're just looking for an excuse to justify the boredom you're feeling. You've had -four kids- with your wife. That says a few things to me:

1) You've hit ten years and you long for a time when you had no responsibility and were free to do what you wished.

2) You broke up with this girl you claim you loved, which means there were issues that couldn't be resolved.

3) You admit you have no complaints beyond that.

The most likely thing is that you're feeling bored, overwhelmed with bills and stressed about life in general. This often causes a man to retreat in to their 'mancave' emotionally(Thanks to people on here for that). This is okay, but it's not an excuse to throw away what you said.

The other option is that you broke up with someone you felt passionate about because you were afraid of the emotion, married someone you felt safe with, lived a lie for ten years and allowed four children to be brought about because of it and now are feeling the consequences of 'Time and all eternity' and want to go back to life as a bachelor. So either you're experiencing what every person feels at some point in their marriage or you're the most selfish, self-centered individual who ever lived. And I don't say that lightly.

Either way, I say 'Man up', do what has to be done to make your marriage work and to let your wife know every day how lucky you are to have her and you -work- at love.

[jimuk]

Hi FunKytown its the guilt feeling i am talking about.

Maybe i am wrong Hmm, but the guy has a very real feeling of guilt, i have had this guilt feeling and it will not disappear until it is off ones chest so to speak, no matter what you do to try and put it right, it is always eating at you until you let it out.

So ok pretend it hasent happened and maybe, just maybe the feeling of guilt will subside on its own. Of course if a guy loves his wife and vise versa, then the partners should always (in my opinion) be doing all that they can to keep each other reassured as to their feelings.

[puf_the_majic_dragon]

I say start with counseling. A meeting between you, your wife, and your bishop would probably be a good start. Tell them both everything you're feeling and move on from there. You will probably be told to get professional marriage counseling, and I suggest that you do it - and that you also see the same counselor individually.

I like to say that everyone has issues. What matters is not what issues a person has, but how that person deals with those issues. How are you dealing with your issues?

Above all, you made a very real promise to stay with your wife for this life and the next. Honor that, no matter how you think you feel.

[deadinside]

You met a girl and -you- broke it off with -her-? And you want to tell your wife that the last decade of marriage has been a lie?

Did you read my post at all? The relationship is only part of the problem. The religion is the biggest part in my mind. I broke it off with the other girl as I stated because I was trying to get back into church as I have been brought up to live and believe. She wasn't strong at all and made it very hard for me to try. If you are in a relationship that is leading you away from what you think you should do, then why would you stay?

It hasn't been a lie. You're just looking for an excuse to justify the boredom you're feeling. You've had -four kids- with your wife. That says a few things to me:

Again, have you read anything? Are you internalizing everything to your situation without reading mine? The problem is not my wife. She definitely takes care of me om every way. I'm not bored with life although I am very boring.

1) You've hit ten years and you long for a time when you had no responsibility and were free to do what you wished.

How does me not believing in the church have anything to do with longing for no responsibilities? I'm not looking to start another relationship when I'm so obviously broken.

3)You admit you have no complaints beyond that.

Other than the religious aspect of it which should be the bigger issue here.

, overwhelmed with bills and stressed about life in general. This often causes a man to retreat in to their 'mancave' emotionally(Thanks to people on here for that). This is okay, but it's not an excuse to throw away what you said.

Again, did you read anything? 10 years+ of being in a "man cave" isn't exactly being bored with my perfect life. I also mentioned that bills are not at all a problem. No debt other than 1/2 a house left to pay off. No car payment, no credit card debt and I make over $100k a year with a house payment under $1000. Money is not an issue. Hope this clears up that thought.

The other option is that you broke up with someone you felt passionate about because you were afraid of the emotion, married someone you felt safe with, lived a lie for ten years and allowed four children to be brought about because of it and now are feeling the consequences of 'Time and all eternity' and want to go back to life as a bachelor. So either you're experiencing what every person feels at some point in their marriage or you're the most selfish, self-centered individual who ever lived. And I don't say that lightly.

I explained why I left. I wanted to get married. She wanted to play. I do feel safe with my wife. She was a very good choice for a wife and I wish I could love her the way she loves me. I wish I had her testimony. The "time and all eternity" is part of it, but not for what you are thinking. If it is true and we know each others thoughts in the afterlife and she finds out that I have not truly loved her the way she has loved me and stayed more for loyalty than love how will she feel? If it isn't true then she will never know anyways and it would be better to live the lie and die not knowing. I'm trying to be unselfish here, not completely selfish which I probably have been this whole time. If it is true and I have just been going, but not believing and baptize our children, goto the temple, do all the things that should be done by someone who truly is worthy of performing such acts, then I've done all that in sin as well since believing is part of being temple worthy, what will that mean? Will this just be forgiven? Even if it is true, then I wouldn't be her equal and would not be with my family. She deserves someone that believes as she does and could love her completely and won't drag her down, but push her up even more. So yes, maybe up until now I have been the most selfish person in the world. And I am trying to not take it lightly now. You would say I should man up and live the lie? How is that any help?. Are you saying after 10 years and still not loving my wife as much as I did my ex that more time will change this? What if I still feel the same in 20 years? Then is it the right time to tell her? I can continue to live this way forever, but I'd just be selfish in doing so.

[deadinside]

I say start with counseling. A meeting between you, your wife, and your bishop would probably be a good start. Tell them both everything you're feeling and move on from there. You will probably be told to get professional marriage counseling, and I suggest that you do it - and that you also see the same counselor individually.

I like to say that everyone has issues. What matters is not what issues a person has, but how that person deals with those issues. How are you dealing with your issues?

I definitely don't think blind siding my wife with this in front of anyone is the way to go. If anything, I'd tell her and then seek help. Help is what I'm seeking now, but how and when is kind of what I don't know.

Part of why I have not done anything is because I don't want our relationship to change for the worse for very selfish reasons. Mostly what would come from having 4 kids if you know what I mean. She's not going to feel like getting intimate knowing she's not loved like she thought she was. I haven't cheated on her, but I'm sure it will feel the same as if I had. I have always thought and hoped my feelings would change.

Above all, you made a very real promise to stay with your wife for this life and the next. Honor that, no matter how you think you feel.

And what to do when I do not believe in the next? I can lie and live like this forever, but how is that right if the church is true? See my confusion? Man up and lie forever? How is that going to help the next life if there is one? Confess now and at least my wife can have a chance at a good after life.

[deadinside]

One of my questions if you were my wife in this situation. If your spouse felt like this would you prefer they pretend their whole life on something that is potentially this important?

How often do you hear about people getting caught completely off guard with stuff like this? Catching them in the act of doing something like cheating or finding out from a friend that their spouse is not at all what they thought they were. I don't want it to ever get so bad that something like this happens.

And no, I'm not going for divorce here. I hope she will be fine with it, but that's a possibility.

Edited August 26, 2008 by deadinside

[Truegrits]

Hi... I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of your struggles...but here is my thinking...

Since the original struggle you were having, was with your faith/belief ...your testimony of the Gospel, which does not appear to have changed/improved during the last ten years, why not go to your Bishop with that issue.

Talk with him; let him know you feel like you are getting nothing from church; your lack of a testimony. That it is a struggle for you even to attend. Let him share your burden. See what happens. Maybe the handling of the one issue will allow you to see the way to approach/resolve the other?

[richlittell]

Dear deadinside,

I was honest with my wife once, and soon, we divorced.

Please do not go to your wife first. Not every woman, even a seemingly strong LDS woman is ready for the truth. Once you speak these things they can never be retrieved, though there is always the possiblity that you and her both could emerge stronger, you could also end in divorce..

I suggest you go to your bishop even though you don't seem to believe anymore. Why? because you need two perspectives on this, another man's, and someone inside the church.

If you are afraid he will give you religious counselling, tell him you are coming to him in his capacity as a man who, hopefully, has had a lot of experience in dealing with people and people's very serious problems, or at least might know others who have that he can refer you to. See where that takes you.

Some extra advice though, I lost a marriage of ten years and four kids just like you might be about to do. I felt maybe the same as you do now, that maybe I didn't really love my wife and etc.. or at least, not the kind of love I imagined or whatever. Maybe I could have had more, or she deserves more, or I could even have more still, if I had pursued "true love" and romance. I don't know exactly your perspective is but I can tell you nothing will ever come so close to destroying you as losing the love of your family--even people outside the church say that experiencing death of a loved one is easier than divorce--Especially when kids are involved.

What is love anyway, deadinside? Do you know? It's usually a lot simpler than we imagine and not so passionate as we suppose. I didn't know, but I thought I did. Now that I lost it all, I can tell you I do know what it is and I had it in the five precious people in my life. Don't go to the darkside my man. Whatever you do, work through it and get a grip on things in whatever way you have to. I say this because I never ever want another human being to experience the pain I did for some six or more years that I did AFTER I lost it all. OH yes, and it all began with me being "honest" about my feelings to my wife, who was a sweet, strong, and perfect LDS woman, but it pushed her over the edge, and now I am active and she has left the church. Man, please, be careful, or you'll have some real eternal weight hanging on your head.

love

rich

Edited August 26, 2008 by richlittell

[FunkyTown]

You know? Mybe I -was- being harsh. Let's examine what you're saying:

Did you read my post at all? The relationship is only part of the problem. The religion is the biggest part in my mind. I broke it off with the other girl as I stated because I was trying to get back into church as I have been brought up to live and believe. She wasn't strong at all and made it very hard for me to try. If you are in a relationship that is leading you away from what you think you should do, then why would you stay?

Again, have you read anything? Are you internalizing everything to your situation without reading mine? The problem is not my wife. She definitely takes care of me om every way. I'm not bored with life although I am very boring.

So you left a girl a decade ago and can't stop thinking of her. This happens. Many people get in to marriages and think of the one who got away. You aren't alone. And no, I am not internalizing this as many people on here can tell you.

How does me not believing in the church have anything to do with longing for no responsibilities? I'm not looking to start another relationship when I'm so obviously broken.

What you're doing right now is called 'Wounded Dove'. You're feeling sorry for yourself and looking to be justified in how you're feeling. This is not an adult way of acting. It is juvenile. I genuinely love people and will not tell someone they are completely and totally wrong unless they are. In this case, you are. You don't believe in the church? That has nothing to do with your wife. Tell her you're struggling with it and explain why. Do it with love and contrition in mind, knowing that what you've done for ten years is wrong. This is NOT loving a girl from a decade ago that you broke up with to marry your current wife.

Other than the religious aspect of it which should be the bigger issue here.

Again, did you read anything? 10 years+ of being in a "man cave" isn't exactly being bored with my perfect life. I also mentioned that bills are not at all a problem. No debt other than 1/2 a house left to pay off. No car payment, no credit card debt and I make over $100k a year with a house payment under $1000. Money is not an issue. Hope this clears up that thought.

Fine, so you're rich. That doesn't take away from the drudgery of bills or justify what you're saying.

I explained why I left. I wanted to get married. She wanted to play. I do feel safe with my wife. She was a very good choice for a wife and I wish I could love her the way she loves me. I wish I had her testimony. The "time and all eternity" is part of it, but not for what you are thinking. If it is true and we know each others thoughts in the afterlife and she finds out that I have not truly loved her the way she has loved me and stayed more for loyalty than love how will she feel? If it isn't true then she will never know anyways and it would be better to live the lie and die not knowing. I'm trying to be unselfish here, not completely selfish which I probably have been this whole time. If it is true and I have just been going, but not believing and baptize our children, goto the temple, do all the things that should be done by someone who truly is worthy of performing such acts, then I've done all that in sin as well since believing is part of being temple worthy, what will that mean? Will this just be forgiven? Even if it is true, then I wouldn't be her equal and would not be with my family. She deserves someone that believes as she does and could love her completely and won't drag her down, but push her up even more. So yes, maybe up until now I have been the most selfish person in the world. And I am trying to not take it lightly now. You would say I should man up and live the lie? How is that any help?. Are you saying after 10 years and still not loving my wife as much as I did my ex that more time will change this? What if I still feel the same in 20 years? Then is it the right time to tell her? I can continue to live this way forever, but I'd just be selfish in doing so.

All right, let's address this:

1) The Church - If you don't believe, that's your prerogative. Don't dress it up by saying you love someone else that -you- broke up with. If it was a mistake, man up and recognize that's the case. If, as you say, you have no interest in pursuing other relationships outside of your wife and four kids, great. Look up monasteries. There's one right where I live. They have very fulfilling lives and you'll be able to avoid all relationships and hurting someone -else- since you're so obviously broken(According to your words). You will not do this, though, because even though you can lie to me and you can lie to yourself, your actions prove the truth of who you are.

2) Your ex - Remember what I said about 'You can lie to me and you can lie to yourself, your actions prove the truth of who you are"? Apply that to this. You left a girl and broke off with her. It wasn't just about the church. It never is. If you're honest, you were emotionally unavailable to her as well. If you loved her -and- the church, you would have done everything in your power to help her through -her- trials. You didn't. Time softens all memories, but if you were to be honest you'd realize what that relationship was -really- like.

Marriage, despite what the world says, is not something to enter in to lightly. Don't feel sorry for yourself. Talk to a therapist. Don't run around acting melodramatic about love lost. You made your bed. If you tell her that her whole marriage has been a lie, you are doing that for -you- and not for her. THAT is the selfish act. If you honestly believed everything you wrote, you would realize how lucky you are that she is in your life and even deigns to speak to you in the morning.

Finally, and as harsh as this has sounded, this may seem even harsher: From what you've told me, you've ran away from things your whole life. You ran away from the girl you loved. You've ran away from the church. You've ran away emotionally from your wife and now you're clearly talking about running away physically. Believe it or not, I'm not saying these things to be harsh or cruel: If you continue on your present course, in ten years you will be exactly where you are now, only completely alone. In your current state, you may think "Well that's what I deserve" but it's not what you want and it's -not- what you deserve -or- she deserves.

Before it's too late, man up and work on being a better person yourself. IF not for your wife and children's sake, for your own; You will not be happy with the consequences of where you are now.

[BenRaines]

All this talk about the wife, what about the four kids under 10. There is the potential for them to be emotionally destroyed over this.

I have been married for over 32 years. There have been great times and there have been hard times. There have been financial struggles and now it is not an issue. There have been emotional troubles and now it is not an issue.

We had four children under 6 at one time. Wife has always been an at home mom and finished her undergraduate degree while caring for four children and a husband and fulfilling her callings at church.

Marriage is between you, your wife and The Lord. If you are trying to do it with just the two of you then it will always be a struggle. If you include The Lord in all you do things will be different.

I am reading in the posts that maybe there is more doubt in your testimony than there is in your marriage and you feel that you are not worthy of her.

Ben Raines

[deadinside]

My post has the 2 issues. Not really related. Just saying that there's more than just the religious aspect of it to look at. I'm not telling my wife that I'm still in love with my ex. I may tell her I don't love her the way she loves me. So you are saying though that the girlfriend part that got away is normal and not something that my wife should even hear about, right? Would some women like to speak up? Better unsaid?

I still don't get why you are thinking any of this has to do with money. It doesn't.

I wasn't emotionally unavailable to my ex. I'm not lying to myself. I use to be a very loving and emotional guy. That relationship isn't the issue here IMO. It's not a relationship that will be rekindled. Just stating where I'm coming from. I'm sure I'm just in love with what I thought our relationship was before seeing the truth of it being more of a one sided love on my part and a fling on hers.

I realize how lucky I am to have her, but how lucky is she? She wants more from me. I can tell. She does everything she can. It just doesn't change anything. She read some stupid book that is the bane of my existance...The Twilight Series and she wants me to love her like Edward loves Belle. Not the same, but that much and she can obviously tell I don't. Is it fair to her to be with someone like me or am I just being selfish in staying and hiding my true feelings?

I am here for help. Not continuing to hide. If I don't tell it how it is, how can I expect to get any help. I'm not here to justify anything, but figure out what to do.

So back to the bigger problem of religion. From what Richlittle said, would you have been happier never saying anything? Would it have been the right thing to do? To not say anything? Not sure what it was you said, but should you have just kept it in? Sounds like it was not dealing with the church as much as personal issues, but not sure.

If I talk to a bishop about my issues then I'll loose my recommend and my wife will have to find out anyways so what's the point of talking to him first? Is it not best to talk to my wife first?

[deadinside]

I am reading in the posts that maybe there is more doubt in your testimony than there is in your marriage and you feel that you are not worthy of her.

You are correct. Definitely more doubt in the testimony than the marriage. I can deal with not loving my wife as much as a memory of the one that got away as it may be, but will she be able to deal with my lack of a testimony? That is definitely where I'd start. I personally could handle a marriage without the church, but can she handle a marriage without a priesthood holder? I don't want a divorce and I don't want to screw up my kids. I have a good life, but it's a joke having me go to church. It's an insult and it's wrong.

I guess I could talk to the bishop and tell him my concerns. Loose my recommend and then tell my wife I'm working through some personal issues and hope she can just drop it for a while.

[BenRaines]

If you tell your bishop you are struggling in your relationship you will not lose your recommend.

Many couples struggle. I hear you that it is not about money it is about your feelings.

I would ask "what about your wife's feelings and your children's? Do they deserve someone to provide for them, to set an example for them, to be there and love them, no matter how you feel about that love I bet they feel it.

Romance books are an evil. So are movies that display romance as a Hollywood thing. It is not like that and takes a lot of work on both sides.

Ben Raines

[deadinside]

I'm more concerned about talking to the bishop about my testimony. I can deal with staying with my family. That would be ideal. If I can't baptize my kids or take the sacrament or do anything at church that's probably OK. I want my kids and wife to be happy.

Sounds like I just need to talk to the bishop and figure things out from there.

[Truegrits]

I really think the Bishop is where you need to start. (I stated that earlier.)

And from a womans point of view, I will give two...

(Mine) I would not want to know that my husband did not love me "the way you should." But I would for sure want to know, and I would help with his struggle of Faith; even if it was just listening to the doubts.

The fact that she does not realize that, I do not understand. You often leave after Sacrament, do not really want to be there. She has not picked up on that?

(2nd womans view) I have a very close relative. Their marriage had a rocky period. But they worked it out. He has a good job; beautiful children; he has a very strong Testimony of the Gospel. But every so often, he goes through a 'phase' where he feels the need to "share" with her, that he doesn't love her the way he should. Now, they both know that they are together for the long haul and that he does love her. After his "episodes" he will say he does not understand what comes over him, why he will have those feelings. She will tell him to just not SAY it to her when he is going through it...to keep it to himself, because it always passes. He says it makes him feel better, he is being "honest"...(actually selfish, IMO).

Do not know if this helps at all, but it is a womans perspective. (2 women).

[NeuroTypical]

I'm an emotional amoeba. I love my wife, but I'm not in love with my wife.

...

I was in love with [someone else] and have been heart broken ever since even though I broke it off.

...

What should I do?

Picture yourself at 95 years old, having successfully NOT given in to your marriage-destroying passions. You kept your misplaced feelings to yourself, not burdening your wife with your weakness. You figured out that love is a verb, and you loved your wife with all your strength for more than half a century. You were able to do all this, despite the fact that this past love would have given you more jollies than you got from being married.

Here's a little something I figured out about myself a few years ago. It's become sort of a mission statement:

* I am a covenantally married husband and father, someone that does the best he can to find satisfaction, fulfillment, and excitement in the sacred bounds of his marriage and sealing.

* The fact that there are "extracurricular activities", other lifestyles, or other relationships that may provide greater amounts or different varieties of fulfillment or sensation is:

a ) not surprising, because I am part "natural man", just like everyone else, and

b ) not important, because I value the covenants I've made before God, the quality of my marriage, and my family's happiness more than I value my own happiness.

* I will always stand clean before God, through the complete and total avoidance of any situation, temptation, action, thought, desire, tendency, urge, predilection, pre-programmed response, or temptation that would take away any amount of sacredness or honor from my marriage.

Go forth, deadinside. You gave your word - will you keep it, or not?

LM

[raulrosalez22]

ok... I am not a kid and I have never been married.

But one thing I will tell you. I am the only member of the church in my family and it hurts me when I see other boys, close to my age (21), that sit together with their families.

One time at sacrament a speaker was talking about Families and the temples. I decided to sit at the very back of sacrament because I felt left alone. While sitting back there I had my eyes on this particular family. A boy, 20 yrs old, was sitting next to his dad(about my dad's age). While the talk was going on I would see these two individuals talking and agreeing on what the speaker was saying. That brought a memory of me and my dad talking about the gospel. No we were not agreeing, we were arguing and debating. It wasnt a good memory at all. I decided to not pay attention to them for a moment and listen to the talk. I heard something about eternal families and how it is possible to maintain your family together for all eternity. That kept me thinking for a while on how my family would never be together. I will tell you something it is a hearthbraker and it is really painful. I would have loved to see that it was my dad that baptized me and not some other man. I am thankful to my friend who baptized me but I have always thought how wonderful would it be if instead of my friend my dad was there to receive me right after my baptism. It didnt happen and nothing will change that. Dont let your kids go through that. If you know you dont deserve your temple recommend as of right now, then start working to deserve it in the near future. Start working on being a worthy priesthood holder.

If you can prevent your family from dissolving then work on it dang it!

mine is dissolving. but that is my parents problem. I have done what I can, they dont want to work things out.

About your marriage I can only tell you want thing. and now I am not married. but I had a similar situation. After me and my girlfriend (who I also loved so much) broke it up when I left to college, I started talking to this other girl. A girl that has liked me ever since my junior year in high school. I decided to give it a try with this girl, well why not she totally loved me. so we dated and then soon went into a relationship. We were "the cutest couple" around. I recall thinking about my ex while I was going out with my new gf. I would think how could I have loved someone so much and then she would leave all of the sudden. I thought it was not fair enough for me doing most of the effort for the relationship and she doing nothing at all. And I promised to myself that I wouldnt allow that to happen to me ever again. So I did I kind of hardened my heart just to "not fall in love" with anybody else. But that really blinded me.

I became really boring to the point where not even I would want to hang out with my self. lol

but even though I was like that my gf would still hang out with me. She would love me like no one else did. I was confused as of why she was still with me. She knew me pretty much and always wanted to help me cheer up. It was so much love she was giving me that I couldnt take it anymore. I was doing to her what my ex did to me.

I felt I didnt deserve such a lovely girl and started thinking that she would do better with someone worthy of her. but not me.

I decided to brake up with her. I used such lame excuses when she asked me why.

I told her it was not her it was me - Classic, she didnt believe it.

I was looking at other girls - She knows I am not that kind of guy.

I wanted some time - She would give it to me but did not want to break up.

She annoyed me and I felt I was wasting my time - Bingo that did the trick.

after that I listened to her cry for about tow hours on the phone or until her cellphone died. she wanted to work out something. something where she could change to work things out. she was willing to adjust to me. I still said no. I wanted her to be free from me... to forget me.

when her cellphone died I realized that I had done the biggest mistake of my life. We didnt talk after that.

I dont know how many months later I was talking to a friend on the phone. I was walking out on the street when all of the sudden the call just drops. so I wait for her to call again. and there it goes, I receive a call but I didnt bother to check the caller ID. So I answer and resume where my friend and I left off. She asks me what I was doing I was a little puzzled because I had told my friend I was walking down the street to get something from the store. And then asks me how have I been all this time. I responded "I have been good, how about you?" and she tells me that she has been thinking about that night. So I was so confused about what she was talking about that I checked the caller ID. I still had my her, who now is my ex, on my contact list. So I say that it was good to know she was doing good too. She told me "Raul, I know what you told me last time was a lie. I just want to know the real reason for you to brake up with me." I was shocked but I decided to tell her the truth then. which was the first thing I told her when we were braking up. "it was not you... it was me" I explained to her what my situation was, how I was feeling towards her, how I didnt love her as much as she loved me or she wished me to love her. that I decided to take the quickest exit. She got upset and then told me "So then why didnt you tell me... I have always been willing to work something out. We are a young and still learning. I thought you might have had an Idea of how much I loved you, BUt now I see you dont know how much I really loved you." Even after months had passed she was still there. thinking about me and what she could have done to prevent that from happening. I had the same opportunity as her to prevent it from happening and to make our relationship better. But I decided to remain with my arms crossed and do nothing about it and take the quick and safe exit. She is now gone from my life but the memories of her remain in my heart.

That was 3 years ago and to date I remain without a gf not because of fear of getting hurt. but because I am afraid I can hurt someone else and not being able to fix things.

If you can work it out then do it without wasting anymore time.

[Misshalfway]

To the OP...

Hi. Just finding this thread and am impressed with your honesty and willingness to examine your concerns. I don't think we get anywhere in life by pushing such concerns down deep within us and pasting a smile on our faces. That isn't good for anyone!

I just wanted to address your feelings for this other woman. Feelings are like clouds....they come and go. It is easy to fantasize about someone else when our current circumstances are less than ideal. It seems both you are your wife are fantasizing. You about a former love and she about a ideal in a book. I wouldn't trust those feelings....either one of you. What if you both got what you wanted.....would you be happy? I don't know if marriage for anyone has the ability to meet such ideals. I mean we get married and take our romantic blinders off and then life and reality happens. It seems to me that both of you need to get in the same room together and negotiate how you can meet the others needs. Maybe your wife feels you pull away....and wants your attentions back. Maybe you need something from your wife that if made aware, she could help provide for you. It is this kind of work and the disciplining of ones mind that help us to really build love and connection with another person. Listen to what you wife is really saying when she using the book as an example of what she wants. A little goes a long way......in terms of really hearing her and then taking steps to show her that she is your #1. Who wouldn't want to be loved that way?

You know....I am a little like your wife. I can see a movie or read a book and wish with the best of them! But as I get older, I am learning that the deepest kinds of love don't happen like the movies.....they happen over time....day after day....loving and cultivating that love together by working thru issues, NOT around them, and trusting each other that you are committed to going thru it together.

Your issues with the church are another matter entirely. I am disturbed to hear you say that the church does nothing for you. Well, what did you want it to do? The church is nothing but a tool......It is the doctrine of the Savior that changes us and makes us into loving and caring and spiritually mature individuals. What do you want in terms of the Christlike nature? What do you want in terms of fulfillling God's will for your life? Are you appealing to the God of Heaven to help you with your concerns? Because he can and will. It sounds to me like you are waiting for the church to do your work for you. This church is about agency at its most fundamental level. If you can get your mind into the right frame, I think you will find that your problems look very different.

Well, that is best I can do today. I hope some of that helps.

I will check in later.

[Misshalfway]

Just as a PS......

I think it may be common for some men to struggle with feel emotional connection. Most women are kinda hotwired to understand intimacy and achieve it as well.

Have you thought about some therapy....just for you alone? I am just getting the feeling that what you are experiencing is perhaps a signal flag of something deeper.

And then maybe you could see a therapist for the both of you and really start to get to the heart of the matter.

I am a real fan of therapy. It has made such a difference for my personal self and for my marriage.

[rena_goldmoon]

I agree with the therapy thing. They will be able to help you to learn to love your wife. Although I think you love your wife and dont know it. I was watching the BYU channal several years ago and a General Authority stated (I forget who) that you will know it is true love and not just infatuation or lust when they make you want to be a better person and you truly care for their well being both physicaly and emotionally. You abviously care about your wife and she abviously makes you want to be a better person. Love and faith are both cultivated. You have to want both of them. If you have a desire to love your wife more then that is the start. Start treating her the way you think she should be treated and see if that sparks anything. The other question is do you have a desire to have faith? I dont beleive you should ever lie to your spouse or keep anything from them but I do beleive you should work it out within and see if you can find what you truly want first. Unless you can come to terms with it yourself and are able to work through it by yourself first you are going to have to tell her. And yes its going to blind side her and hurt her very much if you believe her to be the faithful loving person she is. Its going to hurt that you didnt tell her and hurt that you are struggling and most definatly hurt that you dont think you love her. She knows the church brings her joy and would want that for her husband and family. Ive grown up with a father just like you and he is finally relizing that all along he loved my mother and yes its been hard without the preisthood. He didnt come to my sealing and that hurt a bit but I know he loves me and it would all be sorted out later. I dont know if I am being of any help but just felt that I needed say something.

[Hemidakota]

When we entertain a thought and allow it fester over time, it will become ingrained as a desire. Then this desire will eventually become an action and consume our emotional or physical state of being. Food for thought!

[deadinside]

Thank you all for your comments. I really have no desire to gain more faith, but maybe I will someday.

When we entertain a thought and allow it fester over time, it will become ingrained as a desire. Then this desire will eventually become an action and consume our emotional or physical state of being. Food for thought!

I agree with this, but I believe it is human nature. Any thought whether it's the thought that the church is true or something else. Does that make the thought true? Millions of people are out there trying to do the right thing going through the same steps, yet if there was one true church, why wouldn't all those truly searching and praying be able to find it? Why do they all come up with a different answer and know completely that it is the right one? It's a thought they put in their head and nurtured it until feels like a truth. Why would anyone not want to search everything that is out there to come up with the truth? This seems the logical path, but all or most religions tell you to stay away from material that goes against it's teachings. Why if you are searching for the truth? The why is obvious to me. Why would they want you searching other places to put new thoughts into your head that might be lingered on and become your new truth. Possibly find something that makes you think what you have is not true. Here lies my problem.

[MorningStar]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. First of all, I think it's normal to think of past loves when things aren't ideal - kind of like an escape thinking, "If I were with them, this wouldn't be happening right now", but reality is, you would have a whole other set of problems. The grass is always greener on the other side.

Is it possible that you have distanced yourself from your wife emotionally because you feel you would be rejected if she knew your true feelings about the church? I believe in being honest with your spouse, but I wouldn't mention a word about not being in love with her until you sort this out with a counselor or your bishop. My uncle told my aunt years ago that he didn't think he loved her anymore and it absolutely crushed her. You can't take those words back once you let them out. She devoted her whole life to him, put him through medical school, raised 5 children, and she didn't go to school until they all moved out. Then once again he said he thought they had grown apart. When he suggested she go to college, I said to my mom, "Oh my gosh. He's getting ready to leave her, isn't he?" That's what ended up happening, sadly. She remained the same person, but he changed drastically. He married her in the temple and became an Atheist, but he pretended for years to be a believing member of the church. She knew that wasn't true, but members in their ward didn't. It had a pretty negative impact on his kids, especially when he stood in for his son's setting apart for his mission. He lost respect for him to participate in a priesthood ordinance that he didn't believe in.

I do think you should discuss your testimony issues with your wife. She's not clueless. My mom went through this with my dad. I was 4 years old and even I could tell he didn't want to be at church. I remember sitting on his lap and he had this emotionless, blank stare on his face. We were more relaxed at church when he stopped going because we weren't worried about the tension he brought there. Some families in this situation do fine with the husband coming along to support the spouse by helping with the kids, but that just didn't work with our family.

I remember reading somewhere that it's common to fall in and out of love with your spouse. What is the difference between loving your spouse and being in love with them anyway? New relationships are exciting, but I think that is the lust stage. Making a family with someone is a much deeper experience. What are some special things you do for your wife? Have you planned anything for her lately? Surprised her in some way? When you serve people, it makes you love them more.

A friend of mine just lost his wife to cancer and he said the first 10 years of their marriage, they were on the verge of divorce and they went to counseling for 5 years. They made their marriage wonderful and now he says he lost his best friend. Imagine losing your wife. How does that make you feel? I think if that happened to you, you would realize you love her a lot more than you knew. Don't let that be the way you find out you would be miserable without her. You married her for a reason and I doubt if you were just settling.

Ok, I'm done blabbing. I really hope you work this out somehow.