In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

I happened to see this on someone's profile while working on the birthday calendar and thought it hilarious.

Teacher:A whale can't swallow a human

Girl: The Bible says Jonah was swallowed by a whale

Teacher: It's physically impossible

Girl: When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah

Teacher: What if Jonah went to hell?

Girl: You ask him then

[pam]

Okay this isn't a joke and I didn't really want to get pictures started on this but I can't resist.

A Redneck Seafood Dinner:

[skippy740]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney..

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead..'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye..'

Now the auditor can tell Grand pa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'

[skippy740]

A young guy from Minnesota moved to Florida and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota." So the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow, I'll come after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says "$101,237.65"

The boss says "$101,237.65 What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then a new fishing rod."

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT AND A TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing........."

[skippy740]

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have! Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, I can hardly stand it!'

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

[pam]

Alabama

When a visitor to a town in Alabama spotted a dog attacking a boy, he grabbed the animal and throttled it with his bare hands. An impressed reporter saw the incident and told him the next days's headline would scream "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

"I'm not from this town, " said the hero.

"Then," the reporter said, "it will say "Alabama Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."

"Actually," said the man, "I'm from New Hampshire."

"In that case," the reporter grumbled, "The headline will be "Yankee Kills Family Pet."

[pam]

Alaska

An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, "Where were you on the night of October to April?"

[pam]

Georgia

How do you know you live in Georgia? When all the directions start with "Go down Peachtree..." and include the phrase "When you see the Waffle House..."

[pam]

Louisiana

What differentiates a zoo in Louisiana from other zoos?

The Louisiana zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

[pam]

Maryland

An admiral is standing by a candy machine at the Naval Academy in Annapolis when he stops a plebe walking by.

"Sailor, do you have change for a dollar?"

"Sure buddy," sayd the plebe, rooting around his pocket.

"That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?"

The plebe snaps to attention and barks, "No, sir!"

[pam]

Michigan

What do you call 40 guys watching the Super Bowl on television?

The Detroit Lions

[pam]

Missouri

A man from Kansas City walks into a bar and asks, "Wanna hear a joke about people from St. Louis?"

The bartender says, "Listen, pal. I'm from St. Louis, and I won't appreciate it. The man sitting next to you is 265 pounds, and he's from St. Louis too. And the bouncer, that huge guy over there, is also from St. Louis. So do you still want to tell that joke?"

"No," says the guy from Kansas City. "Not if I have to explain it three times."

[pam]

New Hampshire

The state motto is "Live Free or Die." which appears on license plates made by prisoners.

[pam]

North Carolina

On his first trip to Boston, The North CArolinian met a girl at a bar and asked her, "Do you go to Harvard?"

The girl responded, "Yale."

"okay. DO YOU GO TO HARVARD!!"

[pam]

South Dakota

A tough old Badlands rancher once told his grandson that the secret to long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morming. The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to be 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren .. and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

[pam]

Washington

In Seattle you haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing maching while it's running.

[pam]

Utah

An elderly Mormon visits his doctor and asks if he'll live to be a hundred.

"Do you smoke or drink?" asked the doctor.

"These things have never and will never touch my lips," says the man.

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?"

"Nope, don't believe in doing any of that, either,"

"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

Edited December 21, 2008 by pam

[Truegrits]

A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and said, "You’re really doing great, aren’t you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor: ’Get a hot mamma and be cheerful’."

The Doctor said, "I didn’t say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented, "The choir was awful this morning."

The father commented, "The sermon was too long."

Their 7-year-old daughter added, "You’ve got to admit it was a pretty good show for a dollar."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An older woman took a package to the post office to mail and was told it would cost $3.95 for fast delivery or $2.30 for slower service.

"There is no hurry," she told the clerk, "just so the package is delivered in my lifetime."

He glanced at her and said, "That will be $3.95, please."

[pam]

Driving home, we saw a vulture get run over while feeding on roadkill.

I was horrified, but my son was philosophical.

"Well," he reasoned, "you are what you eat."

[Palerider]

In case you did not know this.....the occupation of the 3 wise men....they were Fireman.....it says they came from afar....

[Truegrits]

Palerider:

In case you did not know this.....the occupation of the 3 wise men....they were Fireman.....it says they came from afar....

Where, oh where, is that "GROAN" button!!!

[Palerider]

Palerider:

Where, oh where, is that "GROAN" button!!!

groan button......:eek::lol:

[Truegrits]

My husband and I had been happily married (most of the time) for five years, but hadn't been blessed with a baby.

I decided to do some serious praying, and promised God

that if he would give us a child, I would be a perfect mother,

love it with all my heart and raise it with His word as my guide.

God answered my prayers and blessed us with a son.

The next year God blessed us with another son.

The following year, He blessed us with yet another son.

The year after that we were blessed with a daughter.

My husband thought we'd been blessed right into poverty.

We now had four children, and the oldest was only four years old.

I learned never to ask God for anything unless I meant it.

As a minister once told me,

"If you pray for rain, make sure you carry an umbrella."

I began reading a few verses of the Bible to the children each day as they lay in their cribs.

I was off to a good start.

God had entrusted me with four children and I didn't want to disappoint Him.

I tried to be patient the day the children smashed two dozen eggs on the kitchen floor searching for baby chicks.

I tried to be understanding....when they started a hotel for homeless frogs in the spare bedroom, although it took me nearly two hours to catch all twenty-three frogs.

When my daughter poured ketchup all over herself and rolled up in a blanket to see how it felt to be a hot dog, I tried to see the humor rather than the mess.

In spite of changing over twenty-five thousand diapers, never eating a hot meal and never sleeping for more than thirty minutes at a time, I still thank God daily for my children.

While I couldn't keep my promise to be a perfect mother -

I didn't even come close...I did keep my promise to raise them in the Word of God.

I knew I was missing the mark just a little when I told my daughter we were going to church to worship God, and she wanted to bring a bar of soap along to "wash up" Jesus, too.

Something was lost in the translation when I explained that God gave us everlasting life, and my son thought it was generous of God to give us his "last wife."

My proudest moment came during the children's Christmas pageant.

My daughter was playing Mary, two of my sons were shepherds and my youngest son was a wise man. This was their moment to shine.

My five-year-old shepherd had practiced his line, "We found the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes."

But he was nervous and said, "The baby was wrapped in wrinkled clothes."

My four year old "Mary" said, "That's not 'wrinkled clothes,' silly. That's dirty, rotten clothes."

A wrestling match broke out between Mary and the shepherd

and was stopped by an angel, who bent her halo and lost her left wing.

I slouched a little lower in my seat when Mary dropped the doll representing Baby Jesus, and it bounced down the aisle crying, "Mama-mama."

Mary grabbed the doll, wrapped it back up and held it tightly as the wise men arrived.

My other son stepped forward wearing a bathrobe and a paper crown, knelt at the manger and announced, "We are the three wise men, and we are bringing gifts of gold, common sense and fur."

The congregation dissolved into laughter, and the pageant got a standing ovation.

"I've never enjoyed a Christmas program as much as this one,"

laughed the pastor, wiping tears from his eyes.

"For the rest of my life, I'll never hear the Christmas story without thinking of gold, common senseand fur."

"My children are my pride and my joy and my greatest blessing," I said as I dug through my purse for an aspirin.

Jesus had no servants, yet they called Him Master.

Had no degree, yet they called Him Teacher.

Had no medicines, yet they called Him Healer.

Had no army, yet kings feared Him.

He won no military battles, yet He conquered the world.

He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him.

He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today.

Blessings and a Merry Christmas to all !!!

[daenvgiell]

ahaha I've heard that one before

[pam]

A boy comes home from school early one afternoon, and his mother asks why.

"It's because I was the only one who could answer a question," the boy says.

"Darling, that's wonderful," his mother says with obvious pride. "What was the question?"

Says her son, "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"