Dr T Posted February 7, 2009 Report Share Posted February 7, 2009 What did the girl say when the Statue of Liberty sneezed? God bless America. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted February 7, 2009 Report Share Posted February 7, 2009 Moses replys "He IS Jesus Christ, but He THINKS he's Tiger Woods." Who? (just kidding I know who Tiger is-I've played with him) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilered Posted February 7, 2009 Share Posted February 7, 2009 · Hidden Hidden The Black Bra The other day I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over just our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went: My engaged friend: The other night my boyfriend came over and found me wearing a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long. The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night. Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said. "What's for dinner, Batman Link to comment
lilered Posted February 7, 2009 Report Share Posted February 7, 2009 Retirement Dinner A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: 'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'... Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: 'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.' Moral :Never, Never, Never Be Late Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orrinjelo Posted February 7, 2009 Report Share Posted February 7, 2009 Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted February 7, 2009 Report Share Posted February 7, 2009 When is a school paper not a school paper? When it's turned into the teacher. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orrinjelo Posted February 7, 2009 Report Share Posted February 7, 2009 What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Robin, get in the car. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orrinjelo Posted February 7, 2009 Report Share Posted February 7, 2009 What's long, yellow and fruity? An apple in disguise. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted February 7, 2009 Report Share Posted February 7, 2009 Ok, I LIKED that joke Orrin. Thank u for that one :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted February 7, 2009 Report Share Posted February 7, 2009 Hahaha, and apple in disguise! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted February 7, 2009 Report Share Posted February 7, 2009 Why did the baker rob the bank? He needed the dough. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prospectmom Posted February 7, 2009 Report Share Posted February 7, 2009 What is a snakes favorite subject???? sssscience Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prospectmom Posted February 7, 2009 Report Share Posted February 7, 2009 and of course Hissstory Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted February 7, 2009 Report Share Posted February 7, 2009 The portrait fell down from the wall,And struck the young man's head."A striking likeness!" was just about all,The rueful punster said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prospectmom Posted February 7, 2009 Report Share Posted February 7, 2009 Why don't you take a shower with a pokemon??? He might peekatchoo ok I know I spelt pikacho??? wrong but you get it hopefully Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orrinjelo Posted February 7, 2009 Report Share Posted February 7, 2009 How do you start a book about ducks?With an introduc(k)tion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orrinjelo Posted February 7, 2009 Report Share Posted February 7, 2009 What is brown and sticky? A stick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orrinjelo Posted February 7, 2009 Report Share Posted February 7, 2009 Okay, okay, enough for lame jokes right now. You might know that I am a student of physics. You might not know that I am training to become a quantum mechanic.I'm gonna have steak when I graduate! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted February 8, 2009 Report Share Posted February 8, 2009 Two Little Boys After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran to the yard in a panic. 'Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she asked as she shook the older boy in anger. 'We were just playing 'church' mommy,' he said. 'I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted February 8, 2009 Report Share Posted February 8, 2009 What did the tie say to the neck? I think I'll just hang around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orrinjelo Posted February 8, 2009 Report Share Posted February 8, 2009 Hee hee, Dr T. Reminds me of a poem by Shel Silverstein: What did the carrot say to the wheat?Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet.What did the paper say to the pen?I'm feeling quite all write my friend.What did the teapot say to the chalk?Nothing you silly! Teapots can't talk!(Highlight after the line for the answer.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilered Posted February 8, 2009 Report Share Posted February 8, 2009 Never Argue with a Woman One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap... Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, And begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent. Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?') 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her. 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.' 'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman. 'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden. 'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.' 'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted February 8, 2009 Report Share Posted February 8, 2009 Hee hee, Dr T. Reminds me of a poem by Shel Silverstein: What did the carrot say to the wheat?Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet.What did the paper say to the pen?I'm feeling quite all write my friend.What did the teapot say to the chalk?Nothing you silly! Teapots can't talk!(Highlight after the line for the answer.) hahhaha growing up I LOVED Shel Silverstein! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted February 8, 2009 Report Share Posted February 8, 2009 My kids love it now when I read "Where the Sidewalk Ends" to them too!===When is an outlaw neither left-handed nor right-handed? When he's caught red-handed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted February 9, 2009 Report Share Posted February 9, 2009 A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it." He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She answers, "Your horse called." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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