In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

"Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me walking down the hallway at work.

"Hear what" I asked, my curiosity peaked.

"The regional vice president died this morning!"

"What?!" I asked, totally stunned. "What happened?"

"He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack" Jim began explaining.

"Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the one."

"Boy do I. She's that young blonde babe."

"Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too smart, though."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"He kept yelling at her to 'call 9-1-1'. She just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number."

[pam]

Snow White takes photos of the dwarfs and their surroundings, then takes the film to be developed.

After a week or so she goes to get the finished photos. The clerk says the photos are not back from the processor.

Needless to say, Snow White is disappointed and starts to cry. The clerk tries to console her.

"Don't worry, Snow White. Someday your prints will come."

[pam]

Consider the mystery surrounding a lady who stumbles into a police station with a black eye. She claims she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knows, she tells the desk sergeant, she is hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

The sergeant dispatches an officer to her house to investigate, and he returns an hour and a half later -- with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" the sergeant asks.

"No," says the patrolman. "I stepped on the same rake."

[pam]

An older couple are relaxing after dinner one evening, she knitting, he reading.

Suddenly, the wife blurts out, "For heaven's sake, why can't you just talk to me once in a while?"

"Huh?" the husband responds.

"Look around you," she yells as she points around the room. "All these books. Your head is always buried in books. You don't even know I'm alive."

"Oh. I'm sorry," he says.

"You know, sometimes I wish I were a book. Then you'd at least look at me."

"Hmmm," her husband muses. "That's not a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting."

[pam]

A man took his rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"

"Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him." He picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.

"Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

[pam]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff that will make them scream, cry, and howl in pain and anger!"

His dream came true -- he now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

[Moksha]

I wonder if anyone can relate to this:

[pam]

Consider the co-ed whose roommate asks, "How was your blind date last night?"

"Terrible." the roommate answers. "He showed up in a 1950 Rolls-Royce."

"Wow. That's a very expensive car," says the roommate. "What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

[pam]

A creature rose up out of the surf and came ashore. Its garments were made of green sea lettuce. "I am the friendly Witch of the Sand," she said, "I am only going to sunbathe."

The sun was terribly hot. Her skin began to bake and it turned as red as a ripe tomato! Have you ever seen ... a baking lettuce and tomato Sand Witch?

[Moksha]

A young couple moves into a new ward.

The next morning while they are eating breakfast,

The young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

"That laundry is not very clean", she said.

"She doesn't know how to wash correctly.

Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry,

The young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a

Nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:

"Look, she has learned how to wash correctly.

I wonder who taught her this."

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and

Cleaned our windows."

[Moksha]

Too much leg showing and bare shoulders

for this Chick.

[nbblood]

Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver's window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick.

"Ow!" says the driver. "Why'd you do that?"

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer; I'm not from around here."

The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car's passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick.

"Ow!" says the passenger. "What'd you do that for?"

The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."

"What does that mean?" asks the guy.

"Two miles down the road, you were gonna say, "I wish that bozo officer would've tried to do that to me! I would've....."

Edited July 12, 2010 by nbblood

[pam]

Two long-time friends, a doctor and a lawyer, are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

At one point, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"When they ask, I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills.

As he's finishing, his secretary brings in the day's mail. There on top -- a bill from the lawyer.

[pam]

There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician.

"All you have to do," she told her class, "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step side-step and turn around

[nbblood]

Here is the scene: The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Church elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and put it on the apple tray...

'Take only ONE. God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

[nbblood]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"

[nbblood]

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face..

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"

[pam]

A New York family moves out west and buys a ranch where they intend to raise cattle.

After they've settled in, friends drop by to visit and ask if their ranch has a name.

"Well," says the would-be cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favores the Suzy-Q. One son likes the Flying-W, and the other son wants the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

"But where are all your cattle?" asks the friend.

"So far, none has survived the branding."

[Moksha]

There were 3 good Arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother

2. He liked Gospel

3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business

2. He lived at home until he was 33

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands

2. He had wine with His meals

3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair

2. He walked around barefoot all the time

3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature

2. He ate a lot of fish

3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married..

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.

:)

[pam]

Consider the man who finds a seaweed-covered bottle on a beach one afternoon, and as he cleans it off, a genie suddenly appears before him.

"For releasing me from my imprisonment in that bottle," he says, "you may have three wishes."

"Great!" the fellow replies. "First, I want $1 billion."

Poof! There's a flash, and a paper with Swiss bank account numbers appears in the man's hand.

"Next, I want a nice ocean-side house in Hawaii."

Poof! There's another flash, and he is holding the deeds to a beach property in Hawaii.

"Finally," he says, "I want to be irresistible to women."

Poof! There's another blinding flash, and he turns into a box of chocolates.

[pam]

A woman is reading the newspaper when she suddenly bursts out laughing.

"Listen to this," she says to her husband. "There's a classified ad here that says a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

She looks at her husband with teasing eyes.

"Would you swap me for a season ticket?" she asks.

"Absolutely not," he says.

"How sweet," she says. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over," he says.

[pam]

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

[UrbanFool]

Pew sheet blooper: 'Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor's sermons.'

[nbblood]

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.

The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."

"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs."

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

[nbblood]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax---OH MY...!"

Then silence.

Soon, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee and she spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"