Dr T Posted January 31, 2009 Report Posted January 31, 2009 What does a cat say when he likes something? It's purrrfect. Quote
pam Posted January 31, 2009 Report Posted January 31, 2009 What does a cat say when he likes something? It's purrrfect. *faints* Two cat jokes from the great Dr T. Quote
Dr T Posted January 31, 2009 Report Posted January 31, 2009 I KNOW! Pammy I thought the SAME thing! Quote
Dr T Posted January 31, 2009 Report Posted January 31, 2009 What do outlaws eat with their milk? Crookies. Quote
pam Posted January 31, 2009 Report Posted January 31, 2009 A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls. When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?" The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service". Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?" Quote
pam Posted January 31, 2009 Report Posted January 31, 2009 El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm. It sank 65 times. Quote
pam Posted January 31, 2009 Report Posted January 31, 2009 These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Quote
pam Posted January 31, 2009 Report Posted January 31, 2009 Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!" The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Ed has been missing since Friday. Quote
Dr T Posted February 1, 2009 Report Posted February 1, 2009 Why won't a bike stand up by itself? It's two tired. Quote
Dr T Posted February 2, 2009 Report Posted February 2, 2009 Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture? Quote
pam Posted February 2, 2009 Report Posted February 2, 2009 An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Harper, are you an 'honest' lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money." Quote
pam Posted February 2, 2009 Report Posted February 2, 2009 A blonde walks into a casino where she sees a coke vending machine. She puts in some money and a coke falls out. She smiles and keeps putting in more and more money, and getting heaps of cokes. She does this for about an hour or so until a guy comes up to her and says "Havent you had enough?" She answers, "No! Cant you see I'm winning!" Quote
pam Posted February 2, 2009 Report Posted February 2, 2009 A man walks into his neighborhood bar, orders a cold beer, looks at the glass pensively, then takes a long sip. "What's with you tonight?" asks the man on the next stool. "Just got off the phone with the insane asylum," the first man says. "I wanted to check to see if anyone escaped recently." "Oh? Why were you wondering about that?" "Well," the man says, "I just found out somebody married my ex-wife last week." Quote
Dr T Posted February 2, 2009 Report Posted February 2, 2009 What did Tom get when he locked Jerry and his friends in the freezer? Mice cubes! Quote
Dr T Posted February 2, 2009 Report Posted February 2, 2009 What's gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves? Stalagmice! Quote
Guest Ceeboos_Boss Posted February 3, 2009 Report Posted February 3, 2009 My husband was picking up our 7 year son from church and his class let out late and my husband asked him why he was so late getting out and my son said we were praying. so my husband said well honey that was nice,did you pray for us? and my said NO because nothing bad happened in our family!!! lol.... it was so funny. so we told him that he should pray for us even when nothing bad happens! 2 funny! Quote
Dr T Posted February 3, 2009 Report Posted February 3, 2009 What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser! Quote
orrinjelo Posted February 3, 2009 Report Posted February 3, 2009 What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!(Take that, Dr T!) Quote
Dr T Posted February 3, 2009 Report Posted February 3, 2009 hahaha O, too late! I already used that one but edited it. :) Good try. Quote
Dr T Posted February 3, 2009 Report Posted February 3, 2009 Who is king of all the mice? Mouse Tse Tung! Quote
orrinjelo Posted February 3, 2009 Report Posted February 3, 2009 Hickory Dickory Dock, 3 mice ran up the clock, The clock struck one, The other 2 got away with minor injuries. Quote
orrinjelo Posted February 3, 2009 Report Posted February 3, 2009 How do you save a drowning mouse? Give it mouse to mouse resuscitation. Quote
pam Posted February 4, 2009 Report Posted February 4, 2009 After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school. "Well," he said, "its three weeks long." "What else," I asked. "The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said. "The second week, they separate the men from the fools." "And the third week?" I asked. "The third week, the fools jump." Quote
Guest Godless Posted February 4, 2009 Report Posted February 4, 2009 After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school. "Well," he said, "its three weeks long." "What else," I asked. "The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said. "The second week, they separate the men from the fools." "And the third week?" I asked. "The third week, the fools jump."I'm surprised I've never heard that one. Why does the Iraqi navy have glass-bottomed boats?So they can see the Iraqi Air Force. Quote
Art_in_Heaven Posted February 4, 2009 Report Posted February 4, 2009 ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ Quote
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