Need some advice, hope you can help!

[unsteadyrock21]

Hi there, I don't know if you can help, but any advice would be wonderful. I feel a little weird because i've never done this before, but I don't really have anyone else I can talk to about the situation. I have been married for almost four years, and i am deeply in love with my husband. Unfortunately, I have some trust issues that come from bad childhood experiences. I don't know what I should do. I married my husband knowing he wasn't strong in the church, but he has come a long way. He is serving in the Elders Quorum, and we are going to be sealed when we can get all the arrangements worked out. Now for the situation.....I had my daughter with me and we were cleaning out our car. I noticed a piece of paper that was cumbled up. I opened it and found a receit for alcohol. I noticed that it wasn't used by our bank account debit card, but that doesn't mean anything right. I asked him about it and he said that a guy he car pools to work with bought it. Unfortunately that night that it was bought my husband came home late from work, and I don't know it doesn't seem like things are adding up and I dont' know what to do. I don't know if I should press it further, because I highly doubt he will say anything different, or if I should not worry about it. I feel like my trust issues are always getting in the way, but I know that I can't keep letting things go. I really have no idea what I should do or think. It is two in the morning, my stomach is upset and I can't sleep becasue the issue has me all worked up. I don't want to risk my family but I don't want to keep making excuses if there is a problem. What would you do? Please anyone with any advice please feel free.

[Gwen]

has he ever had a drinking problem before? is that something you would logically be looking for with him?

meet him at the door and give him a big 'ol kiss before he can do anything else. i can't imagine much my hubby could do that i wouldn't be able to taste the alcohol if he had just consumed it. and if he's innocent he might enjoy the new form of reception rather than being upset about your personal insecurities.

on a more serious note. i suggest you pray about it. ask the lord to put you at peace if it's nothing.....to help lead you to the pieces you need to make since of it all if it's not.

[unsteadyrock21]

actually yes there has been a problem before, in which I told him that it stopped or we broke up. And as soon as I said that he stopped and had been clean for a year, but went with a friend and drank one other time but it's been a year since then. I don't know what to do, he would know how to cover up alcohol on his breath that's one thing I know for sure, he had to hide it from his mom when he was drinking before he met me.

[Gwen]

personally i can taste a lot more than i can smell. but fair enough.

he went and drank one time? is he an alcoholic or just likes to drink on occasion? what was the trigger a yr ago that he went out for a drink? maybe the issue isn't the drinking but what is triggering it.

[Misshalfway]

Hi Unsteady Rock.

I can relate a little to the struggle to trust others AND have struggled with learning to trust myself. That, I think, is the primary thing I would like to talk about is your trust of yourself. It is as if you observe your past trust issues and then somehow discount or second guess your instincts. If you have had people in your life who have failed you and perhaps failed you in predictable patterns, why wouldn't you know better than others the warning signs??? What I am saying is trust your instincts and those warning feelings within you. And also trust yourself to handle the situation with grace before and after you get more information. Banish the fear! Trust God to help you understand and see the truth about the situation and stand firm in that trust.

Now....to your H. I am with Gwen on this one. I really would like to know more about his history. Is he an alcoholic? Has he been in recovery? Are you worried that this is a relapse? Or are you simply worried about his testimony and commitment to covenants?

If he is indeed an addict, then it wouldn't surprise me at all that you feel the way you do. Why should you trust something that has been out of control in the past and may show its ugly head at any time?

It seems to me that any marriage that has had addiction issues in the past should establish safe,open and honest lines of communication so that if and when the temptations or triggers come....and they do.....that there is a safety net in place to deal with it. There is no sense in living in denial and fear. Facing it head on and dealing with it in kindness out in the open is more effective.

[Hemidakota]

actually yes there has been a problem before, in which I told him that it stopped or we broke up. And as soon as I said that he stopped and had been clean for a year, but went with a friend and drank one other time but it's been a year since then. I don't know what to do, he would know how to cover up alcohol on his breath that's one thing I know for sure, he had to hide it from his mom when he was drinking before he met me.

Yes! It could be his bottle or case but again, without proof, I would not even speculate in these matters without the Holy Ghost for a confirmation. Go to the Lord for help in providing a solution. Depend upon the Holy Ghost for guidance and truths. Speculation causes to much negative emotional energies being wasted and turns away the Spirit.

[countrygirl66]

hi unsteady,

I am the all time winner of trust issues. Something that is very slow to change so here is my advice for what it is worth. Talk to him about your goal to go to the temple and your and his tesitmonys. Try reading scriptures together if he is open to that. See if he is open to talking about his feeling for the gospel. I find this helps me to be in a place to know where to go next. You will have to trust him eventually, and boy is that hard. Marriage is the hardest job you will ever have but so worth it. My h and I are so different where i struggle he shines and where he struggles it seems easy for me.

[RainofGold]

My husband is not active in the church and he drinks once in a while. For a long time a resented him for not going to church with me and for drinking. But I knew that I couldn't force him to do the things that I wanted and at the same time I couldn't stay with him with all this bad feelings because I wasn't happy. So I had to make a decision and I prayed to my HF . I talked to my husband and I told him that I loved him and that even though I want him to go to church and not to drink I wasn't going to give him an ultimatum. I have being married to him for almost 19 years and even though there has being hard times in our marriage he is a loving father and a good husband. I don't regret making the decision to stay with him.

All I can say to you is to pray and to let your husband know that you love him and that he can trust you and come to you with anything

Rain:p

Edited September 23, 2008 by RainofGold

[momof5]

I was in that same situation. You really need to go to him on a good day, let him know that you need to talk and that you have questions that may be hard, but that you aren't judging or looking down in anyway, and that you would like to let him know your feelings, and you'd like to know his. It is VERY important that you have this conversation when you are alone and ONLY if you are not fighting n anyway. Also, remember that you should be prepared for the worst possible case. That way when you hear what you've been dreading (if that's the case) it won't be a shock to you. Keep in mind also that no one is perfect and you are there to love him, support him, and help him. If he is having a drinking problem (Mine was) the one thing he needs from you is love. My husband and I have been married for 10 years. It was in years 2-5 that he was an alcholic. I know from experience that it is a long and hard road. Yelling and screaming, and trying to change him will only push him away. When I gave all of that up and just supported him and loved him UNCONDITIONALLY, that's when everything fell into place. We were sealed in August. It is possible to have a happy ending. Don't give up!

[Maya]

You have got a lot of good advice here. I have met too much problems so I have decided that what ever an otehr person does is that persons problem not mine. I ahve told where I stand, that I love my family and I want them all with me all eternity ... and they know it and if they choose to cheat or what ever, it is their problem. I will help them if they need help but I wont go around worrying if... and if.... cause I know at the end IF.... so they will be so sorry!

Kynic? maybe but I have learned that I can not change an other person ... only God can do that all I can do is to be a good example, love them and tolerate them. Only way they can really change is to understand their "sinn" thoroughly, understand the pain it gives to the person that dont watn that to hapen and will to change! And above all understand eternity..... heh not even I do that... so lets say understand eternity a bit better!

And at the end there is Jesus Christ who suffered for us who tok our sins on his shoulders so we could enherit the eternal life with Him and Father.

Once I was very worried of my oldest daughter... she even resighned the Church... one morning as I woke up a very calm voice told me that I do not need to worry about her, she is her husbands worry.... she is not actually married, but her man is jewish....

Pray for him and your family!

[angela]

Okay, your post hit VERY close to home. Although our situations are not exactly alike, there are some similiar issues that I had to deal with (mostly trust). I am going to tell you part of MY story. I am no way, shape or form suggesting that this is the answer for you. My answer for you is to TRUST your Heavenly Father. I understand the trust issues with your H, I REALLY do - but with your current situation more trust needs to lie where it is appropriate, meaning with God and Christ and the Holy Ghost.

I wish that I had the time to go into my situation, but I don't at the moment and I am not sure I want it entirely out on this board just yet. (You can always send me a message, and I would be more than willing to go into more detail with you.) I will just say that my husband was a non-member. He wasn't only a nonmember, he had several problems that he was dealing with, and the major ones included pornography and fidelity. I know now without a doubt in my mind that the Spirit directed me to stay with my husband and try to help him with his problems. No doubt in my mind. To the world it seems absolutely STUPID. Even to most LDS people, it seems ridiculous to stay with a nonmember that had such problems. (My H and I eventually separated - HE chose to leave me... But that's another long story.) Anyway, I started to question over and over again if I had really felt the Spirit and if that is what kept me with him, or if my promptings were my own imagination. One night after he left me I was getting ready for bed. I usually leave BYU TV on in the background. I was having a bad night and I started to watch a talk, but decided by the title that it didn't apply to me. (It was about recovering from abuse.) Anyway, my baby woke up a few hours later to nurse and I turned the TV back on. That same talk was on and I reluctantly listened to it. It came to a part that I will never forget:

There’s a beautiful verse that many of you are familiar with in the book of Obadiah. You probably haven’t read that recently, but in Obadiah chapter one, verse 21, we read the following: “And saviors shall come up on mount Zion, and the kingdom shall be the Lord’s.” So you’ve heard that phrase, “saviors on mount Zion.” It has much more than simply temple work and family history, as important as that is, because each of us in various ways are called upon, are asked to be, saviors on mount Zion.

A dear friend named Carlfred Broderick, a wonderful marriage and family therapist, a professor at USC, a former bishop, stake president, patriarch, most importantly father, husband, and even a guest on Johnny Carson from time to time, shared the following story: “The term ‘savior on mount Zion’ is ordinarily reserved for those engaged in vicarious work for the dead. But I believe that term might also be applied to another group of saints. These have been called to sacrifice for the sake of saving the living, often of their own household. I first began to think in these terms as a result of counseling to women who had hard life assignments. The first had convinced her boyfriend to join the Church and one year later to marry her in the temple. Unhappily, the conversion didn’t take and soon thereafter he returned to his worldly ways, which included all the minor vices and several of the major ones. They had children who seemed to elect their father’s lifestyle rather than their mother’s. I watched this good sister struggle with her rebellious family over the years, and I’m ashamed to admit that I had sometimes judged her harshly. For example, if she had asked my opinion, I could have told her before she married him that her husband-to-be was more committed to her than to the gospel. Also I felt that she had been overly permissive with her children; in short, I self-righteously judged that if she had made better choices--as I had, for example--her life would have turned out better, as mine had, for example. It eventually became necessary to excommunicate her husband, and in agony of spirit, she asked me, her stake president, for a blessing to guide her as to what her duty was under the circumstances. In that blessing I learned a few things that even now make me burn with shame for my earlier spiritual arrogance toward this sister. The Lord told her that she was a valiant spirit in the premortal existence who had volunteered for hazardous duty on earth. Not for her was the safety of a secure marriage to an equally valiant partner. Not for her was a relative ease of rearing naturally obedient children. In the blessing she was told that the Lord loved her husband and children despite their rebellious spirits, and if they were to have any chance at all, it would be because of her Christ-like patience and long-suffering with them. True to her promise, she is succeeding against all odds in her mission. To everyone’s surprise, her rowdy eldest son straightened out his life and went on a mission. He came back on fire with the Spirit and committed to the gospel. Her second son, who had often stated his intention of playing football instead of going on a mission, was helped by his older brother and has also completed a successful mission and is headed for the temple. Her daughters are slow to come around, but I began to see some softening there as well. Even her husband, the toughest of all, is beginning to mellow at the edges and to talk about putting his life in order. No action yet, but I am prepared to believe in miracles in this family.” So again a part of our call is to be saviors on mount Zion. That in no way denotes that we should endure abuse that comes to us. There are appropriate ways to handle these challenges that occur, but indeed to remember that the Lord in his infinite and perfect knowledge knows the answers to our questions and can guide as we face the various challenges that we do.

"That He May Succor His People": Healing from Abuse through the Power of the Atonement

My advice is to pray to your Heavenly Father. You need to do this with an open heart and mind. I don't know what your answer will be. You need to be prepared to accept to go whichever way you are led. If all you can pray for at first is for help to have a pure heart and an open spirit, then so be it. It will not work if you go in biased one way or the other. Without the advice of your HF, you may be led to go the way of the world. You may cause undue contention between you and your husband. Take it up with the Lord, and TRUST that he knows best. I was prompted at times to confront my H about certain issues, but I was ALWAYS guided to do so in a LOVING nonjudgemental way.

Heavenly Father knows what lies ahead of you on your journey. He knows what YOU need to develop your spirit and gain experience (even if those things cause pain and sorrow for a relatively short time when compared to eternity).

I hope that I got my message across like I intended to. It's late and I still have a 2 year old up distracting me. As I said before, I am not trying to sway you either way... Just giving you one side of a story. :)