Going on mission...girlfriend

[ElderJAR]

Hey, this is kind of a loaded issue...if I can even call it an issue. I have a dear girlfriend whom I love, and I am leaving on my mission in less than 2 months. I know that she will wait for me...we have been dating for about 1 and a half years. We love eachother...but I dont really think that we have much in common and neither does she...and she gets upset with me a lot over so many little things.

She has gone through a lot emotionally, and I want to always be there for her. Her family moved away to Kentucky, but she wanted to stay here to finish high school and keep her scholarship, and her parents asked if she could stay with my family, so she's also been living under the same roof as me for a couple of months...which proabably wouldn't be recommendable, but she is paying rent and we have rules that we have to follow when were both in the house. I know what relationships need to work right...you need proper communication, and when she's upset she doesn't communicate...its always the silent treatment which gets us nowhere. No communication leads to no understanding. My patience has been tried very much, and I hoped that perhaps I would grow from this...but I always have President Hinckley's voice in my head saying that in the over 60 years that he was married to his wife, he does not recall ever quarreling with her. We're very happy a lot of the time, we like to joke around and have fun and we just enjoy being in eachother's company, I'm just afraid if there's no substance, and there's already quarrelling...how far will it go...or are we just leading ourselves on?

We have the church in common, and we love being together, have shared a LOT of nice experiences together, both love eachother...that's pretty much what we have in common...

I know that she loves me so much...in her mind there is no one else in the world for her but me...I'm just afraid I guess...because I know that I love her, but I want our relationship to have more substance. I dont think that if you love someone that you get upset with them over every little thing. I look for reasons to NOT get upset with her, and for her it seems to be the other way around. She just confuses me because she's very fragile and very emotional...I know what's inside of her but a lot of times she doesn't show it.

When I get married, I want to be happy for eternity...I dont want quarreling...if there's no substance, the relationship will be very unstable. So yeah any suggestions????

I pretty much just vomitted my thoughts out onto the computer, sorry for rambling.

Edited October 21, 2008 by ElderJAR

[skippy740]

Letter writing on a mission will bring out more substance... or a "Dear John" letter in return.

It's amazing what a mission will do to a relationship when the only way you can communicate is through written correspondence.

[mightynancy]

Here's the deal. Over the next two years you are going to grow and change. Serving a mission will center your life on Christ, and help you grow into a man.

I think that waiting for a missionary (or a missionary expecting someone to wait for him/her) is a mistake. You're both young, and one of you will be doing a lot of changing (for the better!).

It sounds like you both love the idea of love, but your feelings aren't based on virtues/attributes you value in the other. NEVER quarrelling is a bit saintly, LOL, but picking fights just for the drama isn't okay. My sage advice (*wink*) is to part ways for now, and if things work out after your mission, great...but I'd work toward having no expectation of that...you want to be free to pursue whatever opportunities come your way post-mission and not be obligated to someone from your past.

Best wishes.

[Starfish]

I dated my boyfriend for 2 years before his mission. We definately were in love and it nearly killed me to say goodbye. We got married after he got home--yes some couples do make it! His mission brought many blessings to our marriage--which is a huge understatement. It was worth every homesick and lonely minute. I also was blessed while he was gone because I had two great years at Ricks (now BYUI).

It's none of my business, but it worries me that your girlfriend is living at your house. This is dangerous--yes I remember the hormones. Satan will do all he can to keep you from going and one slip up could end the mission plans. The arguments you're having also are worrisome, not all relationships deal with this problem. So for the health of your relationship, two years apart would be extremely good for you. It gives you both time to grow up.

Btw, where are you going?

[Misshalfway]

I think you both have some growing up to do, which isn't a criticism, it is just a fact for most of us as we pass thru and beyond childhood. I think marriage is hard enough when you are older and have grown in readiness.

The cool part is that you don't have to decide now if she is the right one for you. I think what is important is that you are starting to learn what you DO want in your future relationship. Perhaps the time apart will be good for both of you. It sounds like she may hold on to you for dear life. It may be the kindest thing for her to learn to stand on her own without the security of you.

Go on your mission. Hand your girlfriend to God. Focus on your missionary task and don't allow the emotional forces from home distract you from your singleness of focus. God will take care of things. He generally works things out better than we do, so trust that when you come home and are available to make such decisions, that God will help you view the new landscape of your returned missionary life, and lead you to the right person whoever that may be.

[StallionMcBeastly]

If waiting for each other is what you want, then do it.

Hopefully, your gf will grow and mature during those two years. Young women getting mad and picking pointless little fights is often times a result of insecurity which stems from immaturity.

If your gf grows and matures by the time you you return, then great. Get married if it's what you want.

But if she's the same "I'm going to fight with you and pout" all the time... then I'd say look elsewhere.

Good luck and congrats on the mission.

[maria1981]

ur both realy young and it sounds to me like she is ur first love and u are hers

its always hard to let go and move on

i dont see why u cant just be close friends forever u seem close and u can love ur friends cant u be thier for eachother as friends

if u find that u both are truly in love stay together be happy

right now ur both so young and need to grow more before u can be the strong partner to eachother

[Elgama]

I don't think quarelling is the sign of a bad relationship - my husband and I have had some rows, but I would say we have a pretty good, solid happy marriage that has withstood an awful lot in the past 6 years.

I do think you need to decide what you want from marriage there used to be an Institute course called Achieving a Celestial Marriage （I lived in a ward with over 20 YSAs and noone was even dating, area authorities suggested the course for us) - if you can get hold of the manual I know its out of print now its worth reading... the current one I think is called Eternal Marriage - she should read it too.

Your not getting married right now and you will both discover what you want from life over the next 2 years.

-Charley

[MarginOfError]

• mightynancy said that one of you will be changing over the next two years. I want to correct that to say that both of you will be changing over the next two years. Two years of separate experiences is a very, very long time. You may both be radically different people upon your return.
• You've agreed that she is going to wait for you. That's fine. There are a couple of things that should be considered though.
  • She needs to be free to date other guys in your absence. This may only be group dates, and it doesn't necessarily mean exclusive dating. But social interaction with the opposite gender is an essential part of her emotional and social development. To deny her that is both unfair to and unhealthy for her.
  • You need to be prepared for her to not wait for you. It's a fact of life that more couples don't make it through the waiting period than do.
  • If she does wait for you, this should not automatically mean that you get married. Take a few months afterward to acclimate to non-mission life and reacquaint with her. If after several months you still feel good about being with each other, then more power to you.
• You mention her communication style, and that when she gets angry she gives the silent treatment. This isn't necessarily bad. You said that relationship need "proper communication" but that "when she's upset she doesn't communicate...its always the silent treatment..." This is in fact a form of communication. She's telling you "I don't want to talk to you right now." You only think this is bad because in your communication style, you (apparently) think that disagreements should be discussed immediately.

  It is perfectly acceptable to not resolve disputes immediately. Some people (my spouse and I) actually prefer not to talk about disagreements when we are angry. We say too many stupid and hurtful things while we're still upset. We either talk about something else, or we don't talk, until the emotions have calmed down enough for us to discuss it rationally and fairly. Sometimes, it takes us several days to get to that point.

  Instead of saying her communication skills are poor, you should be saying that your communications styles are different. That means that you'll either have to work together to establish how you'll resolve disagreements and upsetting situations, or you'll have to recognize the differences in styles and adapt yourselves to them.

Edited October 21, 2008 by MarginOfError

[rameumptom]

One of the most important things I learned on my mission was this:

If she doesn't wait for you, it wasn't meant to be. If she does wait for you, it means no one else wanted her.

Allow the 2 years during your mission to be a growing period for both of you. Encourage her to take a few classes on relationships and communication, or read some books on the topic, while you are apart. If she matures enough for you to have a better relationship afterwards, then consider marrying her at that time. But don't make decisions now. For all you know, she may find someone else while attending college. Or you two could grow apart.

Finally, remember that while Pres Hinckley never had an argument, that is a rare relationship. Most of us have disagreements and struggles. There's the story of the man and wife who reached 100 and were asked how they had lived together so long. The wife said that they agreed long ago if they had a disagreement to take some time away from each other to cool down. The husband attributed his age to frequent long walks in the park....

And I do the same thing. My wife, bless her, has hormonal issues that sometimes go out of control. During those times, I have to be on my toes to know when it is best just to quietly go to another room or for a walk, and give her a few hours to normalize.

[NeuroTypical]

I am leaving on my mission in less than 2 months.

...

When I get married, I want to be happy for eternity...I dont want quarreling...if there's no substance, the relationship will be very unstable. So yeah any suggestions????

Here's my suggestion: Make sure nothing stands in the way of you leaving in your mission in two months. Go prepared to serve the Lord. You'll be surprised to see how much things will have changed by the time you get back.

Master Oogway put it best:

Quit, don't quit. Noodles, don't noodles. You are too concerned with what was and what will be. There is a saying "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, that is why its called the present"

You just focus on getting your rear end into the MTC.

LM

[HiJolly]

Quarreling is normal, and 99% of all relationships include it. How you deal with it, is the thing.

I would not marry a person that is not willing to discuss differences. The silent treatment is a form of "shunning" and is not constructive, IMO. I guess it's better than physical blows...

HiJolly

Edited October 21, 2008 by HiJolly
spelling

[ElderJAR]

I am going to the California Oakland Mission!

[ruthiechan]

Hey, I wonder if you'll end up in my ward. I'm in the Branham Ward in San Jose.

Anyway, have you prayed about this issue?

Have you talked to your girlfriend about any of this? If you do though, pray about it first and be filled with the Spirit when speaking to her otherwise it could go badly.

When you go on your mission you two need to part on good terms. If you do not I can almost guarantee you that you'll end up getting a Dear John letter.

Whatever you do, be sure to consult with Heavenly Father in everything.

Faith & Hope,

Ruth

[Elgama]

just a thought have you and your girlfriend had a blessing?

-Charley

[Wingnut]

Quarelling is normal, and 99% of all relationships include it. How you deal with it, is the thing.

I would not marry a person that is not willing to discuss differences. The silent treatment is a form of "shunning" and is not constructive, IMO. I guess it's better than physical blows...

HiJolly

I agree that quarreling is normal. As long as disagreements get resolved, it's okay.

However, I strongly disagree that the silent treatment is a bad thing. If I have to confront an issue immediately and in the moment, there is never a good result. I say things without thinking them through, and it is not constructive. It's taken me many years to learn that I need to just walk away and cool down before I can appropriately deal with something I'm upset about. I am a much happier person now than I used to be, and (so far) I have a very happy and successful marriage.

[Starfish]

I dunno about the quarreling thing. My husband and I don't quarrel--hey, today is our 33 anniversary btw! We've had a few disagreements but we just talk them through. Or wait till the next morning when we're not tired and it no longer seems important. Quarreling isn't necessarily healthy, IMO, though many long-term marriages live with it, I suppose.

I have married friends who do quarrel frequently and are often not-speaking, etc. Not a happy household and some of their children grew up resentful of it. I wouldn't want to have lived in their home. If you quarrel before the wedding, it's a good bet you will quarrel after, and probably more.

When my son was young and would visit a friend's home where the parents argued and snapped at each other and at the kids, my son would come home upset by it and ask, "Why can't they just be nice?" A lot of wisdom in that little question.

Edited October 21, 2008 by Starfish

[Wingnut]

To argue with no one in particular (and basically everyone in general), I think that it's unrealistic to "never quarrel" with one's spouse (or to expect not to). This doesn't mean that everyone has huge big fights frequently, but I just don't think it's realistic that you will never disagree about and discuss something. To me, the word "quarrel" denotes a somewhat minor disagreement (but still of some significance...maybe what color to paint a room or something), not a huge life thing (where to move, whether or not to have another child). In the real world, it just happens.

[MarginOfError]

From Merriam-Webster:

quarrel: a square-headed bolt or arrow especially for a crossbow

Perhaps you should do some studying before you make such foolish posts, Wingnut.

[HiJolly]

From Merriam-Webster:

Perhaps you should do some studying before you make such foolish posts, Wingnut.

FWIW, I was thinking of "quarrel" in the same sense as Wingnut... a minor, infrequent thing.

HiJolly

[MarginOfError]

I know. If you look up quarrel as a verb you get

1 : to find fault

2 : to contend or dispute actively

But I found the humor of quarreling over quarrel to good to resist.

[ElderJAR]

Thank you everyone for the great advice. I will ponder and pray on all of that. I think I'll tell her that I will be leaving her in God's hands for those 2 years...I'll be sure to let her know that she needs to explore herself during that time, and that she might never get another chance to do that. Of course we'll write eachother...and 2 years is a long time...we'll see what transpires from this, but I'm sure that whatever happens, it will be for the best whether we stay together or have our lives going in different directions. Thanks again to everyone...I have pondered everyone's advice, and feel free to give me more! Thanks again!

[Wingnut]

I know. If you look up quarrel as a verb you get

1 : to find fault

2 : to contend or dispute actively

But I found the humor of quarreling over quarrel to good to resist.

These are the closest I can find to someone sticking out their tongue and going "Tttttttttthhhhhhhhhhhhhhppppppppppppppttttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[Wingnut]

Thank you everyone for the great advice. I will ponder and pray on all of that. I think I'll tell her that I will be leaving her in God's hands for those 2 years...I'll be sure to let her know that she needs to explore herself during that time, and that she might never get another chance to do that. Of course we'll write eachother...and 2 years is a long time...we'll see what transpires from this, but I'm sure that whatever happens, it will be for the best whether we stay together or have our lives going in different directions. Thanks again to everyone...I have pondered everyone's advice, and feel free to give me more! Thanks again!

If there's any way she can move out of your parents' home while you're gone, that would be good too. That way she doesn't feel obligated to stick around if she feels otherwise.

[Aloren]

I don't have any practical advice for you since I was not raised LDS and missions are a new concept to me.

One thing I have jokingly heard is girls who date guys that go on mission seem to married the next guy they date after that. Though I am sure if it is meant to be you two will figure it out. Just keep in mind what 2 years really is! I am thinking back to who I was 2 years ago and I barely know that girl who had just came back from 2 years in Ireland. Still immature compared to myself now but less so when I left home 3 years before that. In two years I have moved three times, gotten married, got pregnant, left my husband who was put in jail and then had a baby!

Your going to change so much in two years and probably more because of the mission. What if you change and she doesn't? She must find her own life and self while you are not there to hold her up. Perhaps if she is strong in her faith she could do a service mission? When you return you will be full of life and hope and have a million wonderful mission stories. If she does not have as much to show for her two years she will come to resent your growth and wish she had awesome and interesting things to tell to. Encourage her during your mission so she can return the favor. If all she does is pine for you then she might make the mistake of holding an image of you in her mind that is better than you can live up to as a normal mortal man and at the same time she will have done nothing to discover herself and what she is meant to do in her life.