How young is too young? -- Thoughts anyone?

[RandomEquine]

Alright.....this may sound childish/teenagerish/whatever -- but I'm always happy to get advice from people, and it never hurts to ask I suppose...

My boyfriend and I have been dating for the better part of three years (good friends for longer than that). We are planning on getting married this coming summer. He's been out on mission, is back, and I was baptized while he was gone. I am the only LDS member in my family.

Now, we've been discussing with my family (parents and siblings) that we want to get married. I'm 19, he's 21, and I'm a freshman in college. I'm in a pre-veterinary program, and coupled with vet school, I will be in college for a minimum of 8 years. He currently is working, but will be taking a few classes this spring towards his degree. The college he will be attending back home (we live about two hours apart) has a campus about 10 minutes from my university, so neither of us would be giving up an education. We've talked alot about marriage, what it means to be married, and how difficult it very well may be getting married at such a young age.

Here's the dilemma. My mother, when she was 18, became pregnant, married the father of her child, and gave up all of her educational dreams to start a family. That marriage ended in divorce. She is extremely concerned that I will give up my education for the same thing. She claims that we are simply "too young" to understand what marriage is, how it will be, etc. That people change and we'll probably end up divorcing. Basically, she would much rather he and I "shack up" for 8 years while I finish schooling than get married.

Mind you, both he and I refuse to live with each other before marriage (for obvious reasons).

I know most LDS marry young, but my question to you is, how young is too young?

Edited November 6, 2008 by RandomEquine
Hit "Enter" just a bit too soon...

[Kirajo]

Okay I got married to an RM 2 months after high school and I continue to support him in his schooling. We now have a beautiful 15 month old daughter and I still feel like no matter how much education I could have had, I would have never felt as accomplished and grateful as I do as a mother. Women spend so many years of their lives focusing on schooling and putting off marriage and family, and when they finally get to the point of having children they realize that THIS is what they've been waiting for. Good luck! If you have both prayed about it and feel good about it, it's no one elses business but yours, his and the Lords. :)

[pam]

At the same time too..While motherhood is extremely important...even President Hinckley advised young women to get an education. To learn a skill..so should they EVER have to..they would have something to fall back on.

[Kirajo]

Thanks Pam!! I agree with this one. I don't think that just becuase you get married young means you have to give up what you want to do. I still plan on going to school!! :)

[pam]

I totally agree with you Kira.

[RandomEquine]

Oh, there is NO WAY I'm giving up my schooling -- and with animal science/vet medicine I really can't start a family before I graduate (all of the chemicals and gasses and whatnot that I'm around cause miscarriage 80% or so of the time).

We're going to finish school.

Enough said :-)

[pam]

Then I wish you the best. Sounds like you have some wonderful goals in mind and have your head just where it needs to be.

[Rico]

If it would help you feel more sure of your decision and you are truly looking for more advice, your boyfriend and you should both visit your Bishop to discuss your plans to get married and seek his advice on the matter.

[StrawberryFields]

My daughter got engaged last night she is 19 and her fiancé is 23 and a return missionary. They are planning to get married in about six months. Do they seem young to me? Yeah she does, she will always be my baby.

[Kyra]

I got married at 19 to a man who had just returned from his mission. I don't think I got married too young because I prayed about it and that's what was right for me. That's what you have to do, pray about it. No one can tell you what's right for you except Heavenly Father. :)

[maria1981]

My daughter got engaged last night she is 19 and her fiancé is 23 and a return missionary. They are planning to get married in about six months. Do they seem young to me? Yeah she does, she will always be my baby.

aahhh bless CONGRATULATIONS wish them both loads of happiness :bouncingclap:

[MrsHart]

RandomEquine: I haven't read other people's responses yet, but to answer your "How young is too young?" question, I have this to say - If you are legally an adult, and you KNOW that you are ready, and have the maturity to handle married life, then you are not too young. After all, nobody says anything when a selfish and immature 40-year-old gets married (just look at any Hollywood marriage to see what I mean), yet people freak out when a 19-year-old gets married? How is one worse than the other, you know?

As for your mom's concern, I can understand, but she needs to realize that you are not her, and your fiance is not her ex-husband. Marriage at an early age doesn't cause someone to drop out of school. It has to do with circumstances, the person's drive and ambition, and how supportive that person's spouse and family are.

I'm 19, I just got married over this past Summer, and I don't claim to be old and mature, but you know what? My husband is the kindest and most supportive person that I have ever met. He's very encouraging and would never, ever think of telling me to quit school. It really boils down to how you are as a person, your life's circumstances, and the family that you have.

Edited November 6, 2008 by MrsHart

[DigitalShadow]

I would say to get married when there is not a doubt in your mind that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and grow old together with, whenever that may be.

As for kids, I would wait until you are at least out of college and are sure that you are ready to handle a responsibility that will take up most of your time and energy for years to come.

Disclaimer: I'm not LDS and this is just my opinion from personal experience.

[eternalpromise516]

congrats strawberry! i know it's super early kind of, but have they thought about a temple? i'm sure you'll be an awesome MIL (mom in law)

[ZionWoman]

If you love him and you have prayed about it why wait? If he is the one you want you should take him. I got married at 20 and my husband was 23 (we both felt so old!). We waited a bit while I finished my formal education and then couldn't get pregnant for a while and I ended getting trained in a trade too. You can certainly get an education and have a family!

[ruthiechan]

Pray about marrying him. If the answer is a go for it, then pray about when to marry him. My Mom married the right person but at the wrong time and it ended badly.

I would also take counsel with your Bishop.

[Dolly-Mama]

Oh, there is NO WAY I'm giving up my schooling -- and with animal science/vet medicine I really can't start a family before I graduate (all of the chemicals and gasses and whatnot that I'm around cause miscarriage 80% or so of the time).

We're going to finish school.

Enough said :-)

Just as a side note and maybe to calm a couple of your fears...

I work as a vet tech, therefore am around many of the same chemicals and gasses and things that you would be, I worked all through my pregnancy and they didn't even need to boot me to the receptionist area. Not that I am saying get pregnant while you are in school or anything, just that things can be arranged so it isn't as dangerous as it seems.

[RandomEquine]

Just as a side note and maybe to calm a couple of your fears...

I work as a vet tech, therefore am around many of the same chemicals and gasses and things that you would be, I worked all through my pregnancy and they didn't even need to boot me to the receptionist area. Not that I am saying get pregnant while you are in school or anything, just that things can be arranged so it isn't as dangerous as it seems.

Ah, yeah, I know that. But it vet school, everyone is learning. I attend a university that has a tech program running simultaneously, so it's a bit more dangerous. No one know what they're doing yet . I worked in a vet clinic where one of the women was pregnant, and now with you, I know it can be done. Obviously, I will have to be pregnant sometime in my career, it's just not a smart idea while in school.

Plus, there's that whole "kids are expensive" thing. I guess I'd much rather be making money than spending money when he and I decide to start a family :)

[declanr]

Just wait, statistically the younger you marry the more likely a divorce, also don't think becuase you are a conservative Christian you stand a better chance, statisitcally that demographic has a higher rate of divorce than atheists.

Also keep in mind the human mind has not fully matured until the age of 25, your judgment, personality, etc, are all still developing at rapid pace.

Just wait, get your education at least halfway done (since it takes 8 years to be a vet).

The Non-lds advice would be to live together and see how you fit, most older exp. people i have met think this is a good way to get to know another person and bring the reality of the relationship out. Of course if you are a strict LDS this is a no-no, I would also evaluate your want to have sexual relations (if you have not) as a bad motive for wanting to get married to soon...

Dec

[RandomEquine]

Just wait, statistically the younger you marry the more likely a divorce, also don't think becuase you are a conservative Christian you stand a better chance, statisitcally that demographic has a higher rate of divorce than atheists.

Also keep in mind the human mind has not fully matured until the age of 25, your judgment, personality, etc, are all still developing at rapid pace.

Just wait, get your education at least halfway done (since it takes 8 years to be a vet).

The Non-lds advice would be to live together and see how you fit, most older exp. people i have met think this is a good way to get to know another person and bring the reality of the relationship out. Of course if you are a strict LDS this is a no-no, I would also evaluate your want to have sexual relations (if you have not) as a bad motive for wanting to get married to soon...

Dec

Um, wow.

Well, first off, we're not conservative -- and we are mature, believe it or not. I know it's difficult for many adults (who aren't LDS anyway) to understand that we can be mature at our age, but it's true.

Also, we haven't had sex, aren't getting married for sex, and will not live with each other before marriage (of course, these were my thoughts before converting, so they didn't change).

Thank you for your response. I enjoy different viewpoints.

[declanr]

Um, wow.

Well, first off, we're not conservative -- and we are mature, believe it or not. I know it's difficult for many adults (who aren't LDS anyway) to understand that we can be mature at our age, but it's true.

Also, we haven't had sex, aren't getting married for sex, and will not live with each other before marriage (of course, these were my thoughts before converting, so they didn't change).

Thank you for your response. I enjoy different viewpoints.

Lol, LDS and not conservative Christian! I thought LDS was actually the best example of that! (this is a good thing)

Mature? Every 19 year old thinks they are mature, being LDS and believing in some faith is no exception to the rule, in fact I would call it a detriment to development.

I'm here to help, I mainly quoted stats. that should clue you in. I was married young, thought I knew it all, I was wrong, the older you get, the more you realize the less you actually know!

I wish you the best, whatever your decision!

Dec

[NateHowe]

Only you can decide whether it is too soon, but as far as being too young, you've both passed the legal age of consent, and you can make your own decision together. If you are 100% sure that you should get married to each other, I see little reason to wait. My wife and I have very much enjoyed our college/work/marriage/parenthood journey together, even though the money is tight. If you don't know that this is the right person for you, then it is definitely too soon.

[Dolly-Mama]

Plus, there's that whole "kids are expensive" thing. I guess I'd much rather be making money than spending money when he and I decide to start a family :)

That is noo joke!!

[nc31410]

I totally understand you and your mom's concern! I got preg. at 17, and got married at 17 (I thought 17 was TOO young), but i was totally determined to finish high school!! And I did. And I had the wonderful support of my husband. He took up a part time job so that he would be able to watch our daughter in the mornings while i was in school. Hence...his weekly payments of 120! It sucked! But I finished high school. Walked with my class. And i've never felt so accomplished. I think that when someone has education placed as a priority there is no stopping you! Everything will come into place for you! So re-assure your mom! lol, she should know better to trust you in to not making the same mistakes she did. (that she didn't persue her education)!

[rayhale]

There are four major things you need to do to decide on whether or not you should get married (not necessarily in order):

Fast; fast separately and together

Pray; pray separately, and together

Talk to your Bishop, and have your fiancée talk to his/her Bishop, and if possible talk to one of your Bishops together, have ‘pre-marriage’ counseling so you can avoid marriage counseling.

Talk to your fiancée. This step is one that no other post mentioned at all, but it is one of the most basic, and necessary steps you need to take. Ask him/her what do you want to do if we have a child? Stay in school, stay on the job, or quit? Find out where he/she stands on such issues.

Lack of commutation and immaturity are major reasons for divorce, not age.

Marriage counseling gets a bad rep since people only goes there when something is bad enough that divorce is very close to becoming a reality. However, that shouldn’t be the case. Why not talk out your feelings to each other in marriage counseling BEFORE it gets that bad?